Author's note: Um, this just kind of appeared in my head one day. I think someone must have put it there telepathically, because I never would have written anything this dirty otherwise. Thanks to my dad for the word 'earthy'. He knows not for what nefarious purpose it was used. Dedicated to Demus, who is awesome. The characters and P.G. Tips are not mine. P.G. Tips being a brand of tea, for anyone who didn't know. This story may disturb you. Scares the willies out of me.
Is There Any Tea on This Spaceship?
This was an entirely unfamiliar experience for Arthur Dent. His life up to now had consisted primarily of going to work, going to the pub in the evening to do crossword puzzles, watching television, and drinking tea. All of this had left him rather unprepared for the situation in which he currently found himself: on board the spaceship Heart of Gold, hurtling through outer space at some mind-bogglingly fast speed, giving his friend Ford Prefect a blowjob.
Arthur had never done this to anyone before, let alone an alcoholic alien. However, Ford had just performed the same favour for him, and if the redhead's moans and gasps of encouragement were anything to go by, then he must be doing something right. Suddenly Ford's hands tightened in Arthur's hair, and the Earthman heard his name wrenched from Ford's lips as the alien came into Arthur's mouth. Arthur was stunned. After the first second of shock, he hurriedly gulped down the hot liquid filling his mouth. Sweet, earthy, slightly bitter, sending a pleasurable jolt to Arthur's brain and warming him from the inside out as it burned down his throat. After licking away every trace of it, he looked up at Ford in amazement.
"Ford," he said, "your… your come tastes exactly like tea!" He sounded understandably puzzled, but most of all delighted with this discovery.
"Really?" Ford was interested. He dragged Arthur towards him for a kiss, flicking his tongue into the recesses of the Earthman's mouth.
"You're right," he reported, grinning, when he pulled away.
"P.G. Tips with milk and one sugar."
Ford was familiar enough with Arthur's habits to know that this was exactly what Arthur liked to drink every morning. Now that was an idea he could get used to. Arthur lay down next to him a little awkwardly, and Ford put his arm around him and smiled so lovingly that Arthur only flinched the tiniest bit, and didn't even move to cover his neck. It had tuned out that he actually rather liked having it bitten.
"Well, Arthur," Ford said after a moment, "next time you want a cup of tea you know where to come... so to speak." He smirked and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, making Arthur blush and stammer.
"Er, well, um, thank you."
Drowsy, Arthur settled down in Ford's embrace.
"My little teapot," he murmured, then fell asleep, snoring gently.
"My little caffeine addict ape-descendent," Ford replied, before brushing a kiss against Arthur's nose and joining him in contented slumber.
The End! If you can never drink a cup of tea again without thinking of this, I will be very well satisfied. I will be even more satisfied if you review it.