Holy Mother of all things Evil and Wicked and Evil (so what if I used that word twice? It fits both times!), how could she?? To do such a thing, to even think of such a thing should be enough to have anyone put into St. Mungo's for years and years until all of the hair on their head has fallen out and landed on the floor and made a little pile for mice to live in forevermore! She's nuts! Crazy! INSAAAAANE!
I bet you're wondering what I'm spazzing out about this time. And I bet you're thinking that I'm overreacting.
But you'd be completely wrong.
Because for anyone to agree to go out on a date with James Potter must be insane.
And granted, yes, it's probably more insane to invite Sirius Black to live in your house for the Christmas Holidays, but we're ignoring that fact because he's right across the hall and, really, there's only so much insanity I can take before my head explodes and makes pretty little designs on my bedroom wall.
OK, that was a little gross.
And by a little, I actually mean a lot.
I'm sure you're thinking, 'Suck it up, Pippa! It's really not that bad! There are dogs that are running around in the street and homeless people living without clothes, and that's much worse than what's going on here.'
Well let me tell you, SHUT UP.
'Cause this really IS horrible!
It's going to completely change everything. I can feel it in my admittedly big bones.
Lily Evans has agreed to go out on a date with James Potter.
THE GRYFFINDOR EVIL OVERLORD!
THE ONE THAT APPARENTLY SPELLO-TAPED A THIRD YEAR'S BUTT CHEEKS TOGETHER!
HOW COULD ANYONE DATE THAT?!
HOW COULD LILY DATE THAT!?
I THOUGHT SHE HATED HIM!!
Life is over as I knew it.
And all because of a stupid letter.
I think I need to put a little disclaimer out there before you read this, and say, "Really, sugartits, it's not that bad. It was bound to happen, and she seems pretty happy about it. So, really, there's no need to freak out! Yay!! Dance!! Whoo!! WHOOO!!"
Now, to tell you what the hell you're supposed to be figuratively dancing about.
Weeeeell, my little sugarplum (apparently everything starts with sugar today. I'm very innovative, yes?), our dearest and most redheaded of friends has decided to go out on a date with a tall, attractive man of the same age, who hear it told has an amazing way with his tongue.
See? Yay!! Whoo!! Party!! EVERYONE GET UP AND CHEER!! THAT'S GOOOOOOD NEWS!
Apparently, this boy has liked our lovely Lily for years and had attempted to ask her out for just as many years, but Lily always turned him down for one reason or another. Probably because she's sexually repressed and is as oblivious to sexual tension like you are.
But really, that's neither here nor there.
Anyway, Lily has a date with a hot guy, you're out on a love fest with Sirius Black, and I'm me and know how to satisfy my own urges. So all of us girls are good!
So, again: See? This is good news! WHOOO!! YAAAAAY!! SPAAAAZ!!
So, have a loverly time out with Sirius Black and make sure he gives you lots and lots of hickeys, as apparently he's a master at this. (I've never had him try it out on me, sadly, but a rumor's a rumor, and generally they're based on fact. But YOU have, as I remember that one day in the Great Hall when you spilled milk all over yourself and you had ha-UGE hickeys and everyone was jealous 'cause Sirius is the mastaaaaah.
Also, I just think you need to get laid so you'll calm down a little.
Really. It's fun.)
Anyway! Have a GREAT time with your family, and I'll see you in two weeks! I suppose I'll come back with hilarious stories to tell you about how my mother is trying to arrange a marriage between me and one of my uni-browed cousins, and all will be back to normal.
So! I love you mucho and x's and o's and the like.
P.S. The guy Lily is going on a date with is James Potter. Just thought I'd let you know.
P.S.S. I was serious about you releasing all the negative feelings you have right now with Sirius. You have my blessing. Go forth and prosper!
DO YOU SEE WHAT I WAS FREAKING OUT ABOUT?!
LILY IS DATING JAMES! SHE HATES HIM! BUT APPARENTLY LIKES HIM TOO!
THIS IS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A REALLY STUPID ROMANCE NOVEL!
"Oh, Bartholomew! I have loved thee for fourteen thousand years! I knew it in my heart! Even when I was beating you with a stick and making bees cover your beautifully hairy body, I knew you were the one for me! Only you can make my inner heart song sing and fly and soar! And sing! I want you! I need you!! COME TO ME!!"
"Ismene! I love your bodacious body! Your self makes my mouth water! You are glorious, beautiful, sexy as all hell! Even when I was setting your hair on fire and using the Wingardrium Leviosa spell on your skirt to make it levitate so I could see your underwear and amazing tush, I knew we were meant to be! LET US MERGE OUR INNER HEART SONGS AND BE ONE WITH EACH OTHER!"
(insert sucking noises here.)
(and possibly a moan.)
(and a groan, because that's more a masculine noise for Bartholomew.)
That's almost as ridiculous as the whole Lily/James thing. Only less so, because it's fake, and the Lily/James thing is real.
Only Lily and James would be like:
"Lily, your name is that of a flower. To me, that is most glorious, most majestic, most- OK, you know what? It's hard to use proper English all day. Mostly I'm just trying to get into your pants and make sweet out with you. Ya dig?"
"… Whatever, James. I'm not acting at all like myself. Sure, lets make out. Only, your hands have to stay above the clothes."
"You sure I can't change your mind?"
"Just shut up and follow my rules, otherwise you're getting nothing at all."
"Pfft, fine. Though I'm gonna touch you a lot to make up for it."
And what the heck was Sofia talking about when she said I need to get laid?
I do NOT need to get laid.
I am perfectly relaxed and calm just the way I am, THANKYOUVERYMUCH. I do not need anymore of Sirius's hickeys on my neck to make me relax, because, really, that didn't relax me in any way, and instead just made my heart beat really hard and fast and do other not-relaxed things to my body.
ADF;JIHADJFKHASDJLKFAH9IEA;LDFHAKJDFHADFADF ALKDSFJ HAWUI!!
Honestly, I don't know why I'm freaking out about this so much.
I mean, James is hot in an evil overlord sort of way. And he probably just wore Lily down when she was at her most vulnerable, and once she comes to, she'll just laugh and laugh and laugh, and then beat the hell out of James, because he's a prat and deserves it most of the time, except for that one time when he beat up all those Slytherins who were throwing things at me, even though I'm pretty sure he only did it 'cause Sirius was going to kill all of them by himself, and James wants to kill Slytherins too.
That was a very long and rambling paragraph thing that meant/solved basically nothing, but STILL. I think you understood.
OK, maybe you didn't.
I'm not actually sure why I'm freaking out about this so much.
Mostly boys are just stupid and complicate things.
And I totally said that first line, like, a minute ago.
I'm stupid and cannot even come up with new and exciting things to say.
It's a wonder you haven't come over here and blown my brains out of my head for being un-unique.
And that's a lot of u's for one word.
SEE, I AM STUPID.
I JUST MADE UP A WORD WITH A HYPHEN AND THINK IT'S A REAL WORD, AND THEN I SAID IT HAD TOO MANY U'S.
WHAT THE HELL!?
I need toast.
I'm going to eat and entire loaf of bread in toast form and get all fatter and squishier and it will be all boys' fault 'cause they're the ones that made me want to eat an entire loaf of bread in the first place. And then they're going to avoid me even MORE THAN THEY ALREADY DO -which, I'm not gonna lie to you, is a lot. Like…seriously. A lot. The only person who doesn't avoid me, really, is my father, and I'm gone half the time, so it's not like he can avoid me when I'm with him. Even though I know he wants to. Only he'd probably feel guilty because his daughter, whom he doesn't see for practically YEARS AT A TIME, is home, FINALLY, only he can't avoid her BECAUSE SHE'S FINALLY HOME. AND WHAT KIND OF A MAN WOULD THAT MAKE HIM!? … NOT A GOOD ONE! And certainly not one that would make a good Minister of Magic, which I'm pretty sure is his final aspiration in life. … …. Yea, I'm going to stop now.- because I'm a big fat fatty, AND IT WILL BE ALL THEIR FAULT.
DAMN THEM TO THE BOWELS OF THE THIRD FLOOR GIRL'S BATHROOM!
I just got that double meaning.
OK, so maybe boys aren't as stupid and I give them credit for.
Mostly that last sentence just sounded weird to me. But no matter. I think I rather got across that I'm apologizing to men in general, as I now realize that they aren't as stupid as I thought they were.
Though they kind of suck individually.
What? I'm just saying.
ANYWAY. I suppose you're wondering what has happened to make me not want to castrate all men and feed their appendages to hungry, rabid dogs.
Besides that being, you know, creepy.
And extremely messy sounding.
Right. Well, as I was about to say, after I did my freaking of the out, I walked down to breakfast, hoping that for once there wouldn't be something strange on the table, like pickled dragon eyes -not that that's a breakfast food, per say, but you never know with my family. Especially since my Aunt Ester lived in America that one summer, and everyone knows they eat the strangest things over there- and that I'd actually be able to eat something.
So when I actually got to the dining room, I'm not gonna lie, I was a little afraid of what I would see. Dead animals on the table, maybe a tribal dance or two, but I definitely wasn't expecting to see no one in the room except for Sirius.
"Um, good morning," I said from where I'd stopped in the doorway.
He'd looked up from his seat and sent a smile my way. "Good morning yourself."
Now, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but seeing Sirius Black in my dining room first thing in the morning made me feel extremely… strange. I mean, yea, I've seen him in the morning pretty much every morning for the past six years of my life, but by then he'd already been dressed for the day, perfectly turned out as the school heartthrob.
But I dunno if it was because he was on vacation or what, but he was still in his pajamas, his hair was raised in little tufts all over his head, and he was clearly still half asleep. And him grinning at me from over his toast and orange juice was enough to make my heart flip around a little in my chest and send a curious ball of heat to my stomach.
Which, while not being exactly normal, is not really something to think over to an alarming degree.
I mean, it was probably just gas.
So, I was still standing in the doorway, kind of dazed by there not being anyone in the room except for an oddly appealing Sirius Black, when the boy in question pats the seat next to him. "Come sit by me." I must have given him a funny look or something, because he just smiled again and said, "C'mon. I've got toast, and I know how much you happen to like bread."
Figuring that there was really no reason to stand in the doorway when there was perfectly good toast to be had, I moved over to where he was sitting. "You would use my love for bread against me, you heartless rogue."
And no, those words weren't in the least bit flirtatious.
Because I'm not too sure you can flirt about bread.
Also because I wouldn't know how to flirt if my life depended on it.
Which, as I'm not a whore living in the East End of London, it does not.
Not that I know about such things as whores, mind you. I'm perfectly innocent of all things.
Anyway, so I walk over to Sirius, and the entire time I'm thinking that it's weird that out of ALL THE PEOPLE at my house, Sirius and I have ended up alone. And in the one room where most of my relatives would be, considering how most all of them are hugely fat and like to eat all the time.
So I'm not really paying attention to the fact that by the time I get over to my seat, Sirius has already buttered and jellied a piece of toast for me. It was… well, weird and unexpected. And weird. And strangely sweet.
And so I'm just looking at the toast, really only thinking that just a few moments before all I wanted was a piece of toast, and here Sirius is with some just for me, when Sirius stops moving away the newspaper he was apparently reading and looks at me. "What, strawberry jam not your favorite or something?"
Still looking at the piece of toast -probably like a madwoman- I said to him, "Well, no, it is my favorite. It's just that you don't need to pretend to be my boyfriend when none of my family is around."
OK, so, yea, that wasn't really the nicest thing to say, given the fact that the man had just gone and buttered my toast and all, but really, I had just heard some distressing news from my good friend Sofia that made me kind of upset at men in general, and… um… yea.
I FEEL BAD ENOUGH ABOUT IT ALREADY. THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
And besides, the look Sirius gave me after I said that is enough to make me feel bad about myself for about half a century. And I felt even worse when he said, in just about the saddest voice imaginable, "You think I did that for your family? Do you really not think that I can be a nice person?"
Mostly I didn't know what to say to him after that, so I looked down at the toast again. We were quiet for so long that the silence became almost painful, him seemingly hurt and me confused. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and said the first thing that came to mind.
"No, I know you're capable of… niceness. It's just that… I dunno, I don't know why you're nice to me."
Yea, I know. Pathetic, right? Also, extremely embarrassing. I mean, who says things like that? That's like coming out and asking for someone to be all like, "Well, actually, I'm nice to you because I feel sorry for you. You have little to no social life, people skills, and you have a strange smell coming from your hair. Mostly, I think you're disgusting."
Hello! Definitely uncool.
However, Sirius didn't say anything like that. Instead, he laid his hand on top of mine and looked into my eyes and said, "I'm nice to you because you deserve it." He must have seen the confused look on my face -though, really, is that any different from my usual face?- because he continued with, "You're a kind, genuine sort of person and you should get some of that in return."
After this I didn't really know what to say, mostly because there really isn't anything to say. So I just looked down at my plate and muttered some kind of thanks. And then I ate my toast with jam while Sirius read the paper.
Then some of my family wandered in and said that there was going to be a scavenger hunt around the grounds in an hour and that we should get ready. So we both finished up and walked upstairs, saying we'd meet outside in the hallway so we could go down together. And then I came in here to write this.
I mean, it's nothing particularly interesting or new or even terribly exciting.
So then why do I feel like something has changed?
That was wildly unexpected.
Um… so… sorry about the year and half of silence on my part. I'd like to say that there's a reason for it, but, well, let's be honest. There isn't. Aside from writer's block and my real life getting in the way. So, um… sorry.
HOWEVER. I should be updating fairly regularly from now on, so… expect to see a grand return! Hurrah! Or something.