Disclaimer: Harry Potter does not belong to me. For the love of God, if he did, I'd be able to summarize the whole story into one short sentence. "Snape is a black haired sex god." I have just now summed up the plot of the series in seven words, not books.

A/N: Ahem. Yeah, this story is really out there, but it was written for a variety of reasons, really. Mainly, it's because Harry Potter fans tend to take their love for a character to the extreme. Just so everyone knows, I love all of the characters in the story dearly, and the characters that I don't have in this fic are ones that aren't important enough for me to remember.

I ask that this story be read with an open mind, and I meant no offense. What's sad is that I know I'll get flames like "So and so isn't gay!" or "I can't believe you made what's his face do that! It's so OOC!" Well, you know what? It's AU. If you find something "wrong" with it, perhaps you should try reading the A/N's a little more thoroughly. I've read all of the books (including the sickeningly romantic HBP, which, in my opinion, was so bogged down with angsty teen love that to me, a teen myself, it was nearly borderline God awful) so I'm not ignorant of what's going on in the Potterverse, but I tend to…edit a few things to tend to my whims, in fan fiction anyway.

Also, I'd promised that I was going to include everything in a super long one-shot…but then the prologue itself took me forever, so I decided against it.

That said, have fun reading and remember "you only mock something that you really care about."

Warning: This story contains homosexuality, heterosexuality, drugs, murder, deviant life styles, demons, evil cookie monsters, character death, happiness, extreme angst, evilness, love, hate, ponies, armies of ass kicking vampires, and much, much more! Guaranteed or your money back! Not to be read if you're pregnant, nursing, or have read up to this point and know already you're going to flame me.

THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR ALL OF THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS!

STAY AFTER THE CREDITS FOR AN EXTRA SIDE STORY!


Prologue

Tea Deprivation

Lily Evans, now Potter, was a very happy woman. She had finished her education from Hogwarts with top honors, had a loving husband, a beautiful baby boy, no money problems, and great friends. Her life was defiantly a happy one. A happy one, that is until she came home that fateful night.

That evening seemed like every other one. She'd gotten home from a friend's house and had just opened the door when she heard giggling and moaning coming from the living room.

With an eye brow arched, she walked into the living room out of curiosity and felt her jaw drop at what she saw. Her husband, the very same one she was so proud of, James Potter, was on her couch in a very compromising with none other than the malicious Lucius Malfoy. What made the whole situation compromising was not the fact that they were both naked, or that there seemed to be obvious traced of various bodily fluids on the couch...and table…and floor, or the fact that even though Lily was standing right there, James and Malfoy were still going at it like bunnies in mating season. No, what made the situation compromising, and even a little awkward for Lily, was despite her attempts to get them to stop and James to notice her, going so far as to call out his name, James didn't register her presence at all.

Angry beyond all logic, Lily went to the couch and sat, defying logic twice in the same instance. After nearly half an hour and two cups of coffee, James and Malfoy were finished.

"Oh, Lucius! You're so much better at satisfying me than…oh Lily!" he said, finally seeing her where she sat, glaring at him. "You're home uh…on time, "he said, looking to the clock for help but being denied. "This isn't what it looks like, I can explain!" he added to his nonexistent defense and a long silence followed.

After nearly ten minutes, Lily spoke. "Well, aren't you going to explain?" She asked him, her glare deepening as he looked at her in horror. Lucius, on the other hand, was still on top of James, and found this whole quarrel amusing to no end.

"Lily, dear," Lucius said in his characteristically drawling voice, "I don't think James can explain right now, especially in his…state."

Lily looked at them both before she smiled, hoping up happily, laughing softly. "Oh you're absolutely right! After that performance, Jamesy-poo must be tired! Would you like some tea, dear?" she said, the perfect house wife.

James smiled at her as he nodded. "Yes, love, I would like some tea actually."

Lily smirked evilly, and to James' horror she spat, "well that's too damn bad! They'll be all incinerated before I can make tea," and rushed to the kitchen, the smelling of burning tea soon filled the air.

Rushing after her as fast as he could, he nearly passed out at the sight. His entire tea collection was burning away at Lily's feet. Hearing James come in, his wife turned to face James, his last collectors tea bag was dangling dangerously over her still warm wand. "Either you tell me what you mean by this…this…whole situation, or say good bye to the last 1632 mint condition tea bag left in the world!"

James screamed as he cried in defeat, crumpling to the ground. For James, watching his cherished tea burn was like watching his children burned. He loved his prized tea painstakingly collected from around the world, many of them hundreds of years old. James Potter preferred castration to being parted with his tea.

Lucius Malfoy came into the kitchen, leaning against the door frame, still naked, as he watched the scene unfold in amusement.

James was sobbing as Lily simple poked at the tea bag with her wand. "Fine! I'll talk! But please, don't hurt it! It's my favorite! I didn't mean to hurt you, Lily, but…I couldn't resist Lucius for the same reason I couldn't resist you!"

Lily blinked a little in confusion. "You mean that beneath all that he's sweet, caring, passionate and brave?" Lily asked, studying Lucius.

James cried as he screamed, "Hell no! He's a sodding bastard inside and out, but he's got eyebrows to die for!"

Lily's eyes widened as she stared at her husband. "Please…don't tell me that you only married me because of my eyebrows!"

James sobbed as he looked at her. "Well it certainly wasn't for your two dimensional personality and constant bravery, spunk and humor. If I wanted all that I would have married Sirius! I loved your eyebrows! When I kissed you, all I thought about your eyebrows, arched like roads that led to heaven!"

Lily sighed angrily, gruffly throwing the tea bag down to the crying man. "Well, why couldn't I be enough for you then? Well, even if it was just my eyebrows!"

James' eyes widened as he snatched the tea bag before it even hit the ground. "But...Lily! The Malfoy eyebrows! They move like Gregory Peck's, and you know how much I just love watching those old movies on that muggle moving picture whatchya-ma-callit!"

Lily glared angrily at the ground. Gregory Peck. This was the fifth time in her life that she lost a romantic love interest to that man and his accursed, emotion filled eyebrows and deep, soothing voice. It was at this point that Lily swore to herself that she would have revenge on Gregory Peck, even if it was the last thing she did.

"Enough!" Lily roared, "I can't stand this anymore!" Shoving her wand back into her coat, she ran out of the house, fighting back tears.

Once she got to her destination, the local park's swing set, Lily collapsed into one of the seats and began to rock as she sobbed bitterly. A whole hour passed before Lily slowly began to calm, a hand tapping her shoulder and offering her a handkerchief. Taking it, she blew her nose into it, sniffling. "Why, thank y- Lord Voldemort!"

Indeed, the person sitting next to Lily Potter in the park on the swing set was none other than the Dark Lord himself. "Does it really defy logic for me to be here, lending you my Hanky of Hatred? No…it makes perfect sense for two tragic souls to mourn together," Lord Voldemort said in his hissing voice, telling Lily all that had happened to him throughout his life.

By the end of Voldemort's ramblings, Lily thoroughly pitied the poor man. "And that confounded Peter Pettigrew won't tell me where Potter lives! I need that information!"

Lily suddenly had a most malicious idea. "Lord Voldemort, if I may, I believe that I may be of some assistance in your Potter problem, but, in return, I have just one small favor to ask of you," Lily said with a most ferocious smirk.

To Be Continued


A/N: And now, what you've all been waiting for…THE OTHER PART! (Thank YOU, Record of Lodoss War)

Heart Breaks and Heart Attacks

It was in his seventeenth year of life that Harry Potter truly became a man with nothing to loose. He's lost everyone to the hands of the Dark Lord Voldemort. Ron, Hermione, Neville, Luna, Fred, George, Mr. and Mrs. Weasly, and Ginny, the one girl in the world that he loved with all his heart, they were all amongst the thousands dead and Harry alone, fighting the final battle with Lord Voldemort.

Harry felt himself thrown backward at a curse the Dark Lord cast wordlessly, hitting the large tree hard. His body crumpling to the ground, he heard Lord Voldemort step closer and closer to him. Their last fight took place, ironically, in the forest right outside of Godric's Hollow, where their tale of misery all began.

Before he even had a chance to stand up, Harry was hit once more with a very powerful curse and felt himself going blank, the Dark Lord maniacal laughter would be the last thing he would ever hear.

But, for some reason, Harry didn't die. As soon as he realized this fact, he began to get up. As soon as he was on his own two feet, the forest exploded with voices screaming "Surprise!" From the tree tops flew down balloons and confetti, streamers with "Happy Seventeenth Birthday Harry" written on them. From behind the large trees, everyone whom he though died were standing right there, strange of all, there were chatting happily with people who were supposed to be their enemies, all of them coming up to Harry, patting him on the back. His mother and father were back as well, and they were talking happily with the Dark Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters, who were drinking punch.

Harry looked around in shock, everyone who had died in his life time were coming up to him, patting him on the back, saying things like "That was certainly a funny game, hm, old chap?"

Suddenly, Harry understood his life. All seventeen years of his life were all leading up to this strange punch line in the magic community's, and maybe even, God's, cruel joke.

As soon as this idea that his entire life was one big joke washed over him, Harry grabbed at his chest in pain and crumpled to the ground, though this time he didn't rise. Draco Malfoy, the boy who was supposed to be Harry's loathed enemy called out Harry's name as he saw him fall. "Harry! Harry, wake up! "Draco said, check his vital signs. "Oh dear. Uh, is there a Medi-witch in the audience?"


A/N: Ah, the ultimate stupid joke line. Kinda a funny end to the Harry Potter series and, after reading HBP, and seeing how he and Ginny got together, I'm praying Harry dies in the seventh one. It's the only way for me to like him again. I'm more of a Snape-Malfoy-Riddle fan myself. Evil characters are the coolest characters.

If you liked it, review, but e-mail flames if you must. They make you seem less silly. Thanks a lot for reading. I'll, uh, update eventually.