AN: Hey guys! Due to the many favorites and comments and alerts how many years later? I have decided to remake this story. There's many reasons behind it. I think I've grown as a writer and besides, Youkai Dreams. She used to comment this story a lot and we became close friends, but she passed a few years ago. To her memory, I would like to recreate this story. Youkai loved Touma being spelled 'Tohma', if you're wondering why I changed it. Thank you all for your support throughout the years. Truly! I hope you like it… I will be remaking every chapter.
Secretly flowing, the white…
dried clouds are passing by.
I, who is ashen…
merely and motionlessly vanished…as I watched.
Chapter One: Kagami, Kagami
There was a hole in my chest. It doesn't want and it doesn't crave.
My heart was beating loudly, as if trying to find its way out of my chest. Nothing could keep this heart from exploding, not after everything that had happened. The things that mattered most to me were becoming transparent and leaving me. Flashes of my determined, happier self were lost now, and left to be undone. Yuki was a jerk. That part was the truth. There was nothing trivial about the romance novelist. He had a unique talent of letting me down. An hour of running around the wintry hell that was the late night streets of Tokyo, and I was still at square one. Every single time I opened this heart up it was closed amid the rejection of my lover.
Yuki doesn't love or laugh, he's too impetuous to do such things.
One day I'll be gone and all Yuki will have are his adoring female fans and a lonely empty apartment. I would only then have to wish that he would realize that the vacant part of his heart was where I belong, in order for Yuki to feel alive again. I wished that for once that he would see me from the same perspective and that our love was a mutual want and feeling. Was it possible to love someone so cruel and demanding, so vicious and cold? How could I ever feel so unwanted by the person who showed me love for the first time in my reckless life? I loved Yuki more than Bad Luck. Hiro's face flashed before me and it felt like a bucket of ice water was poured onto me. That wasn't true. I simply didn't mean it.
It's true that I was a completely selfish person. I had a habit of being needy and impossibly overbearing, but I loved him. He doesn't have to look at me as if I'm nothing. Dark golden eyes didn't have to accuse me of being an idiot. As much as I loved eating the floor when attempting to become closer to Yuki, I couldn't stand the tension whenever I'd try to get near him. The metaphorical begging puppy was me. I knew that I was just a joke, as I continued to find ways to decode the complexity of Yuki's heart. I couldn't be with him anymore and it needed to stop. The child in me had to die somehow, even if it meant drowning myself in these feelings, even if it meant getting rid of the old Shuichi and replacing him with the new and bitter one.
When in a relationship, you find yourself staying no matter what hurdle or obstacle. That's what you do for the person you love and care about, right? You try to make it work, come hell or high water. That wasn't Yuki and me, and that wasn't a relationship. My heart clenched, as I grasped my chest there, waiting for the throbbing sensation to go away. How could Yuki still inflict pain when he's not even around? The faith inside of me was smaller now and soon, I wouldn't have the ability to love like this anymore. I couldn't trust love. I couldn't trust Yuki or any of my feelings. My feelings have brought me to this point, where breathing is just a hard task. Granted, I was running, but being with Yuki was also at times suffocating.
What first intrigued me about Yuki, I thought at first that it was his criticism, now I was certain that it was just his mystery. I thought that there could be no one else as cool as Yuki, no one as lax and calm. I didn't mind his lack of enthusiasm, so long as he was giving me some of his attention. Just give me a moment, Yuki. I admired your walls, before I knew that they were made of steel. You were so strong and collected, those walls impenetrable. Yuki's words were intentional and were deliberately meant to hurt me and push me away. How could I have been so ignorant this entire time? How could he see everything in the dark? Why was he so ignorant to those who wanted to help him? Why did Yuki want to face that burden alone…
This wasn't the point obviously and the original point was that he pushed me and my belongings out the door again. He told me that he couldn't stand the sound of my voice and that he couldn't refrain from getting sick of looking at me. Now in these cases, I'd usually run to Hiro, because he's the only home that I've known for a long while, but he and Ayaka had long since moved in together. Then there's Ryuichi Sakuma, but I tried once before and ended up bunked with his Kumagoro Plush.
Lost again, kid.
I shrugged in response to my own subconscious thinking. "I don't know what to do anymore."
"Shindou-san," The voice was gentle and so positively kind, that it could have only belonged to one person in particular. Tohma Seguchi, the infamous President of NG studio, and the keyboardist of my favorite band, Nittle Grasper. The man I owed my life, career, and success to was standing just in front of me now, with his hands tucked casually into his pockets. As you could imagine, I halted dead in my tracks.
"S-Seguchi-san," I breathed out wearily, the long run did nothing for my social abilities or health condition at the moment. It was a good thing that Tohma was never filled with the urge to shake one's hand, otherwise I'd probably break off his delicate talented fingers from all of this current frustration. I take his long moments of silence to breathe in the air that my lungs were rudely neglected of, we could also blame that on Yuki. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't think properly anymore. It couldn't be my fault.
"What are you doing roaming the streets at this late hour?" The usual calm and friendly tone that Tohma was always known and identified for was now low, deep and dare I say concerned. My boss and part-time rival wasn't always worried about me, seeing as I was closest to his precious Eiri, though at the present moment, his blue eyes were practically smoldering. I was stuck in them, drowning in their depths to find an escape. This man, as friendly as he may appear, wasn't all that nice. Tohma had the absolute power to make or break me. It was a little unsettling at times to stand mere inches away from this man.
Tohma overwhelmed me just by one glance, a glance that possibly meant something along the lines of, 'Get bent'. I avoided his question, which only caused his thin blond brows to furrow thoughtfully. "I understand if you don't want to tell me."
Please, lace on the guilt…
"I was kicked out again, which isn't so surprising, is it?" I hadn't meant to just blurt it out. I didn't mean for it to be blunt and out there, but Tohma wasn't a stranger to the obvious flaws in mine and Yuki's relationship. It was very old news at this point. The sarcasm was burning at the back of my throat, begging me to go on further with such unappreciated banter. Tohma had my future in his hands and here I was, acting like an immature brat (Thanks Yuki). I decided to cancel out my last question due to his lack of response, with another question, "Seguchi-san, why are you here this late at night?"
He was as smooth and graceful as a lion, walking closer to me with his hands tucked beneath the jacket of his black and peach suit, into his pants pockets. Bold choice. There was a pureness to such eyes, soft cobalt stared into me. Tohma's eyes matched the milky paleness of his skin. This only made my ridiculous observation feed on it more. I decided to look past the deceiving mask, because I knew all too well that Tohma was determined when it came to me. He just wanted to pick me apart and find the pieces that he himself was missing. Why did Yuki so willingly let me inside after a few months, while Tohma has tried for years to have what I've so desirably wanted. Yuki's not a prize. I refrained from saying so, as I bit at my bottom lip.
After the second year of mine and Yuki's relationship, Tohma had given up. Was Tohma's curiosity with me still flaring, or was I too given up on? Either way, I couldn't care any less. I just wanted to find the proper way to move on, or else I'll continue wasting my life on an obstinate jerk off. I'm done with impressing everyone. I'm just a joke at this point, with my back facing the world, ever trembling – ever breaking.
I snapped out of the trance I had unwillingly fallen victim to, watching now as Tohma reached down and grabbed one of my bags from the ground. After noticing that I wasn't moving, he tilted his head to the side, regarding me with an annoyingly calm expression. He must've been waiting for me to join him with the whole lifting and walking thing. Just when I was enjoying a good rest, I picked up the remaining bags from the ground. This was the man who tried to manipulate me and my lover. Why the hell would he carry my bags? This must've been something that mature adults do, once they've pretended to not care about the past.
"You do desire to sleep tonight, don't you…" He looked over at me through his choppy pale bangs, taking a poke at my sore and tired pace. After my sarcastic glare 'har-har', I rolled my eyes and followed closely behind him. Tohma was going to take me in now? A weird tension settled over us, the music of Tokyo's streets was easy enough to focus on, the cars passing and the leaves scraping across the concrete sidewalk. At least I could cross out the possibility of fending for my life against twelve year old girls finding me on the streets.
"You never told me why you were out here," I reminded him gently, as if he'd suddenly decline his generous promise of sleep. I wouldn't push him for conversation, it didn't feel right when talking to Tohma. A part of me respected him much more than I did Yuki. Granted, this was Yuki's brother-in-law. Who knows what the real Tohma was like, he could be just like Yuki, constantly hiding his real feelings, and putting up a defensive wall.
"I'd rather not discuss the matter. For now, I'm going to refer to his night as a fortunate happening." I was alarmed by his sudden chuckle. How could this be fortunate? We hated each other. Maybe Tohma was more lost than I was, since he was practically rolling in his own secrecy and the amusement of it. I wondered about what Mika thought about this, or maybe that was the problem. His wife could very well be the reason why Tohma was here right now, sharing conversation with me.
I looked up at the very large, wide building. It was the Sunshine hotel.
"Seguchi-san..ah...S-Shuichi Shindo!" We were probably going to need help from another service manager. This woman was a gasp away from fainting. I could just do all the work for her, that would be nice of me. I was capable of doing one nice thing today, maybe. I scribbled my name onto the piece of paper she handed to me, with shaking fingers might I add, and signed away. A soft, curious expression loomed over the once concerned features of Tohma's face. He wasn't very good with fans an inhale away from passing out.
"My friend and I would like a hotel room." This is where Tohma's manipulation came into play. I sort of drowned my ears out to the obvious low toned conversation. No one must know that we're staying here, and this woman would have to sign a paper that Tohma would soon provide, as would all of the staff. NG policy clearly states that such and such shouldn't reveal that so and so are staying at blank place. I felt a pair of eyes on me, as I crooked my head to the side to see Tohma staring at me. "Shuichi, how long do you think you'll be staying?"
How long would it take for everyone to forget about me? He answered for me just as my lips parted, "A few day-."
"A month." A month. Why thank you, Tohma. You always knew what was best for me, sadly though, I didn't stay away from Yuki when you warned me. Next time you should use crosses and some holy water to get your message across. I hoped that Tohma planned on paying for this month's long stay, since I had little money, and Kei would have my ass kicked all over Japan. Or just plain shot. Either or could go down with Kei.
"One room would be fine." If it were possible, my jaw had slacked to the floor. I didn't have enough enthusiasm to object, so I continued to let the president do all of the talking. I would be sharing a room and a bed with Tohma? The butterflies in my stomach fluttered like they were in hell, and attempting to get out in order to avoid getting hit by torched knives. It's not like I was afraid, because I wasn't. I just needed my own room to vent and die in.
"You might want to get in touch with Kei in the morning," He informed me, while walking up each step towards the rooms. I lugged every bag up the extended staircase, not particularly pleased with how winded I became, while Tohma maintained perfectly fine. This man was older than me and where the hell was the damned bellhop anyway? I bet that woman would have taken care of it all. I snickered to myself the entire way to the room. Oh, that's right. I had more important things to worry about. A shared bed with Tohma? No. I'd take the couch. Was there a couch?
Tohma found himself a place in the corner, a very comfortable looking chair, but his face told me otherwise. I smiled wryly at the situation, not fully convinced that this was really happening. It was foreign to me, here in a hotel room with Tohma Seguchi of all people. I was tempted to ask him why he's being so kind, but the words were sour on my tongue, and even bitter the more I played with the idea. Tohma always had a reason behind the things he did, especially favors, so what would it be?
Still, I really shouldn't occupy the bed-
"You work hard and you'll need your rest." He said, clearly unfazed by the concentrated look I had fixed on him. He seemed to relax when he turned off the lamp beside him, making my company seemingly nothing, and no big deal. Meanwhile, I remained tensed, watching him place his damnable hat on the table, with that ridiculous smile worn thin into a frown once I was sure that he was somewhat asleep.
Maybe there was a way to play off my sorrows to Kei tomorrow. Two revolvers fluttered in my mind, as Kei comes out of the mist. He had a very 'lock and load' way about him. The thought of not performing due to heartbreak symptoms were sounding less and less appealing the more I thought about being shot. Yeah, no… I took one last glance over at Tohma, before turning off my light, letting the darkness and quiet music somehow relieve the depressed atmosphere. I could erase Eiri Yuki. I could somehow bleed him out of my bloodstream.