Chapter 5: Onwards to Nerima!
4:00 PM JST
Belldandy sat beside Ranma in his room while he slept off his brand new concussion courtesy of Akane. She just sat there and smiled while looking at him thinking about what he may be dreaming of.
"Don't you worry Ranma-kun, I will protect you and your gift."
Nabiki walked in after hearing this.
"So, the old pervert says that things are really serious when the Norn's get involved. Is this true or is he lying through his teeth like always? Cause I can not find anything through my sources on who or what you are."
Bell-chan just smiled at Nabiki. "We don't normally just appear when things are about to get serious. Most of the time it's to help the less fortunate out with their problems they're facing. Ranma-kun here has been one of the special cases. We haven't been able to do much with him because Yggdrasil said not to get involved. Only recently did it say to help him out with him acquiring the Great Will."
"Ah... So I see." Nabiki smirked. "Oh and by the way, what happened to the real Kasumi? We're kinda wondering cause even though Akane has now been given excellent cooking skills courtesy of Ranma, none of us are good at cleaning up the dojo and well... Lets just say she's needed right about now."
"Hehehe. She's still sleeping in her room. You can go wake her up at anytime."
"Okay, thanks." Nabiki rushed to Kasumi's room. "Sis, wake up! The entire fiancee brigade has just ripped through the living room and are tearing the dojo to pieces looking for Saotome's dead-beat father!"
"Oh dear." Kasumi awoke.
Bell-chan looked down at Ranma grinning while his arm was glowing a soft blue and giggled.
11:00 PM JST
Excel and Hyatt's Apt. Complex
Nights in the city of F were calm and peaceful as opposed to it's crazy and insane days. Most of everyone are sleeping peacefully in their comfy beds or futons, dreaming dreams. Dreams of wishes. Dreams of happiness. Dreams of pleasure. You name it. For Excel and Hyatt though, their dreams are a little skewed if you say. Hyatt doesn't dream. She has near-death experiences. As for Excel...
"Oh Ilpalazzo-sama! Please! Please! Please!"
You really don't want to know.
"Please let your most humble servant Excel wash your most holy porcelain throne so that it sparkles like the light of day while you are doing your private matters!"
Great... Why do I have to be tortured with this insane dreaming? Nice going okaa-san...
Lina stood by the entrance of the ACROSS-HQ bathroom watching as Excel happily scrubbed down the fuhrer's toilet. As if it wasn't bad enough... Excel was singing way off-key about her love and praise for Ilpalazzo a la the first episode.
"Okay... This girl has some serious issues... She's nuttier than Martina was over Gourry!" Lina said under her breath.
Just then, Ilpalazzo popped in out of nowhere holding hands with Key, the rocker/messenger from ACROSS's main branch. It would not have been disturbing if they didn't have huge grins on their faces. Excel turned from her scrubbing duties to drool at the scene.
"Oh no... I don't like where this is going ONE BIT!" Lina squeaked out.
"My life has been lifted up since I met my dear Ilpala-kun." Key said in a sugary sweet voice.
"And I too, Key-chan." Ilpalazzo replied back as he leaned in for a kiss.
Excel was starting to get ready to pounce the two bishounen.
"AAAAGHH! Oh for the love of L-sama! Would you please quit it!" Lina cried out in agony. "Dil... BRAND!" The ground beneath Excel's feet bubbled up and exploded with the force of 10 sticks of dynamite. The force from the blast blew Lina's hair and mantle behind her. Excel on the other hand, was kissing the sky.
"Much better." Lina explained as she dusted herself off from the explosion.
Excel fell facefirst into the crater left by the shamanistic spell with her feet sticking straight up in the air. The entire scene with Ilpalazzo and the ACROSS-HQ bathroom dissolved away into nothingness leaving only Lina and Excel.
"Now get up. We need to have a little discussion."
Excel sprang back up from the floor like a jack-in-the-box. "That was nothing compared to what Ilpalazzo-sama puts me through on a daily basis! For him I'll climb to the highest mountain without proper clothing and through fires hotter than the flames of Hell and..."
"And I get the point." Lina interrupted. "Since we're going to be sharing the same body together, I think we need to sit down and get certain facts straight."
"Nani? Aren't you that girl named Lina Inverse who's spirit is inhabiting my body after I fell into the spring you drowned in over 1,000 years ago?"
"Yep! That's me. The beautiful, talented, genius sorceress Lina Inverse at your service." Lina replied.
"Ah! But, I'd say more cute than beautiful since you look like you have yet to mature. Especially your height and breasts." Excel stated the obvious "
"Thank you very much, Miss Obvious." Lina twitched. "The reason I'm here is that we need to talk. Girl to girl."
"Okay! Shoot!" The scenery changes from Ilpalazzo's bathroom to the main hall of ACROSS HQ.
"Alright, I'm guessing that you have been getting pretty sick and tired of transforming into me when splashed with cold water. Correct?"
"Undoubtedly so! It is very annoying when Excel transforms into your physique and all the problems that comes with it, especially ravaging hunger."
"That's one of the pitfalls of being a powerful sorceress. Now, you've already tried to..."
"Wait a minute, you're a powerful sorceress! Using powerful magic spells and incantations that can level cities and allow the user to do what ever they feel like they want! Can you please teach Excel so she can impress Ilpalazzo-sama and help him takeover the city of F?"
"Grrr... NOT NOW! Ahem, as I was saying. You've tried to call on Daiuchuu no Ooinaru Ishi to come and remove said curse but she never came."
"She was probably busy with Pedro. She has a tendency not to answer her calls when she's busy raping the poor guy."
Lina cringed. Tooooooo much information! "Okay, well that's not the case. She's been kidnapped and you and me need to retrieve her!"
"Who would want to kidnap I'z-chan?"
Lina made a projection of That Man in front of Excel. "Him. And this is not the first time he's tried something like this. This time he may succeed in his goal if we do not retrieve I'z-chan."
"Uh huh...! If Excel retrieves I'z-chan and brings her back to Ilpalazzo-sama... ILPALAZZO-SAMA WILL LOVE HER FOR BRINGING BACK THE ONLY OPTION FOR US TO CONTINUE IN OUR ENDLESS PURSUIT OF CITY DOMINATION!"
Lina just stood there and sweatdropped.
"Alright, so, are we going to be working together on this mission to help the efforts of the great organization known as ACROSS!"
"Yeah... But, there's a price for my services."
"How can you have a price for your work if you are dead and deceased? You don't have any use for material possessions in the afterlife? Oh, and by the way, have you encountered Hy-chan any whenever she tries to crossover a little to prematurely?"
"Uh.. No. And I didn't say that I needed money! I just need you to remember to eat one extremely large meal at LEAST once a day. If not... I get cranky."
"Hai! Excel will make sure she eats one extra large meal once a day so as to keep up our energy! If needed, we will resort to our emergency food supply Porkchop!"
"Great! Now, get some rest... We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. Night!" Lina appeared in her pajamas and fell asleep.
"Good Night Lina-chan! Excel will see you in the morning." Excel turned around to see another dream beginning and ran at Mach 1 towards the dream.
"Hopefully this is still the same dream I was in where I almost had both Ilpalazzo-sama and Key finally!" She screamed in joy. When she appeared in the dream... She and Hyatt were being hung over a pole by their hands a feet over a roaring fire being turned on a spit. A tribe of indigenous Menchis were smearing BBQ sauce over their bodies and seasoning them to taste.
"KYAAA! THIS ISN'T THE DREAM I WAS WANTING!"
Saturday, July 18, 200X
11:00 AM JST
Somewhere Between Minatou-ku and Nerima wards, Tokyo, Japan
Excel and Hyatt got off to a great start. Ilpalazzo was generous enough to give them 10,000 yen for the entire trip. He made it another intelligence gathering mission for them to spy on the people of Nerima. Find out what secrets they hold behind the will-napping of I'z-chan and return her safe and sound to the City of F so as ACROSS can continue their goal of City Domination. It all went downhill from there.
They began their journey towards Nerima. Hyatt was walking along side her senpai and stared at her as Excel talked to herself. However, this is unlike her normal ramblings to herself. It actually seemed as if she was really talking to someone beside her.
"So... To use the magic requires a lot of concentration and patience and magical energy... Excel has more than enough energy to go around! Even when my body is being racked by the depletion of nutrients from not getting a decent meal in over four days! The metabolic processes in Excel's body goes into hyperdrive in stealing nutrients from her already deprived tissues to supply her with the energy needed to get through till the next binge after payday!" Excel rambled on as Lina explained how to use magic.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE POINT! Sorceresses need to consume massive amounts of food (or alcohol in Naga's case...) to keep their energy reserves up! Not to mention physical well-being is a BIG must! Lina derided.
"Eh? But Excel is in top physical shape to overcome any harm that may come her way! Excessive training via Ilpalazzo-sama's patented technique of animal torture has given Excel the abilities to take on any foe that may come in the way of ACROSS's ideals!" She replied while flexing a muscle on her arm.
Forget about it. It seems that you don't really want to learn magic. Plus, you're more scatterbrained than that Jellyfish for brains Gourry! I doubt you'd ever...
Lina was cut short as a nice summer rain began to fall. Anyone from the Nerima Wrecking Crew can tell you that rain is your worst enemy when cursed.
"AGGHH!" X/Lina grabbed her stomach in agony.
"Senpai? What's wrong?"
"Hunger... Too... Strong... Energy... Levels... Plummetting... Fast..." X/Lina replied gasping for breath in between each to try and stop the cramping.
See... Told ya!
"Oh. Well we need to find someplace to eat then." Hyatt said as she looked around. "Oh! I've found a ramen stand senpai." She pointed towards the little wooden stand. "Let's go there to..."
X/Lina was already gone and sitting at the booth.
"I'll take two of everything you've got!" X/Lina cheerfully shouted.
1:00 PM JST
Everything was starting to return to normal back at the dojo. Okay, so maybe it's not quite normal with Akane cooking, the fiancee's chasing Genma-panda throughout the wooden household, presence of Belldandy... Maybe just a return to Nerima-style sanity.
"I SWEAR NEVER TO GROPE ANOTHER GIRL AS LONG AS I LIVE!" A thoroughly bruised and battered Happosai exclaimed while flying through the air with some girl's panties clutched in his hands and landed right onto Ranma's head.
... Oh shut up already! Alright, it was Nerima-brand chaos as we know and love. Not even Ranma having control over I'z-chan could prevent this type of chaos. If anything, potentiate it.
"AGGHH! It's just the same bad, horrible, awful luck as always!" Ranma screamed as he dropped the Master of Anything-Goes and dodged one of Kodachi's bombs intended for Genma.
"Not so. I mean Akane is cooking good, edible food now and enjoying it." Nabiki chimed in. "And Happosai has sworn off terrorizing any girl he sees."
"Not quite my dear Nabiki." Happosai interrupted. "I never said anything about not stealing their panties!" He grinned a sick grin as he held up a pair of standard white panties. "HA HA HA! She didn't even notice me swipe them off of her before she sent me flying back here!"
"You were saying Nabiki." Ranma said with sarcasm. "Hey, do you feel that?"
All of the sudden, every bird in the city stopped chirping. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks of chasing Genma-panda and turned to look at the horizon. Kasumi stopped cleaning and looked up to see the sky darken with a dust cloud and a single shadow was visible in the center of it. Given how large the dust cloud was, it was moving at a fairly fast pace.
Happosai looked up with fear in his eyes as if the Grim Reaper himself were coming after him. "I... IT... IT'S HER!"
Everyone at the dojo ran back inside including Ranma to leave the reformed pervert outside to his fate. Given the way the laws of chaos runs in Nerima, any onlooker will be pulled into the upcoming battle.
After everyone had made it to the safety of the dojo, the person running at breakneck speed became more visible. The girl looked no more than around 17 years of age. She had knee-length silver hair with two hair-antennae on the top of her head. She had deep-bluish turquoise eyes that currently were fixated on Happosai's diminutive figure.The rest of her body resembled that of a supermodel with slender arms and legs and large breasts. She was clothed in a child-sized floral print kimono that only covered half of her upper body. She wore a violet miniskirt with a red cloth belt tied across it. In her hands was a bokken that had an aura around it the same as her own.
Bell-chan looked out and noticed who was running towards the dojo. "Looks like Maya-chan is here."
Nabiki turned whiter than a bedsheet. "You can't mean... Her?"
"Hai." Bell-chan replied back.
She immediately turned towards Ranma. "Where... Where did you send Happosai!"
"To some other school I heard about where martial arts is the main focus. You told me to send him to someplace where he'd learn a lesson and I thought, 'Well, if he likes high school girls, why not to a high school where if he was perverted towards a girl he'd get his butt whipped.' I think the place is called Judou... Bodou... Academy... Something or another."
"Yeah! That's the place!"
"SAOTOME YOU IDIOT!" Nabiki yelled. "That's where the Natsume sisters go! The strongest female fighters in Japan!"
"Eh? Really?" He replied with a blank face.
"DIE PERVERT!" A slightly ticked off grown up Maya Natsume screamed as she threw her bokken with dead on accuracy at the pervert's head.
"AAAHH!" Happosai ducked letting the wooden sword hit the ground behind him only to look up and see the eldest daughter of the Natsume-ryo style of martial arts sending a swift ki-filled kick to his face.
"Nice try sweeto! But you have to get up pretty early to catch me with an attack like that!"
Happosai jumped from the kick and made his ki-projection of himself that normally scares stupid fighters away.
"Hmph. The Battle Aura attack of the Anything-Goes school." Maya said calmly. "The fighter can't attack the user up close." She broke off a hefty-sized twig from the tree. "However..."
Everyone watched and began to take notes.
She kicked the branch at Happosai causing him to deflect it with the attack. When he looked, Maya was gone. She appeared behind him and smacked him straight into the air with her bokken.
"The user's not immune to indirect attacks."
Everyone took note of this flaw in the Master's supposedly unstoppable attack.
Maya stood there with her bokken over her shoulders as the Master of Anything-Goes crashed into a crater behind her.
"Oooh!" Ukyo winced.
"GASP!" Shampoo gasped.
"Eeeeoww.." Kodachi cringed.
"Umm... Maybe I did make a tiny mistake?" Ranma sweated.
"Serves the old lech right." Akane spoke up. "Looks like he bit off a little more than he could chew this time around."
"OOMPH! Watch it little girlie! Things are about to get explosive around here!" Happosai exclaimed.
Maya turned around ready to attack him again as he pulled out five of his Happo-daikrin bombs as a last ditch effort. "Take that!"
"Where did those come from?" She wondered as she ran to escape the explosion.
"Heh heh heh heh. Trade secret sweeto." He replied as he continued the throw the bombs.
Maya saw the concrete wall and smirked. She jumped behind the wall just as Happosai was about the throw more bombs. He grinned and danced still holding the bombs in one hand and her panties in the other.
"HA HA HA! I beat her! Now, I can put these panties in my special collection and resume my perverted duties!"
"Nice try lech..."Maya screamed as she elbowed the wall with all her force leaving only a small dent. The energy exerted from the body slam traveled through the wall and became concentrated on the bombs in Happosai's hand.
"! INCOMING!" Genma-panda wrote on his sign. Everyone in the dojo moved quickly as the door exploded. With it came a very sooty looking and energy depleted Happosai embedded in the wall of the next room.
"Master!" Soun cried out. "Are you okay!"
"Just... Peachy..." Happosai replied as he fell from the wall face first.
Chibi-Maya walked into the dojo to where Happosai laid and took her panties back. "Thank you, I shall be taking these back. So it is true that the Master of Anything-Goes is a very lecherous man. I hope that you learned your lesson from now on." She smacked him in the head with the bokken just for good measure.
"Uh..." Ranma stood there slackfaced at the sight of the little girl. "Are you...?"
"Mmhmm." chibi-Maya smirked as she replaced her panties. "Sorry for the intrusion. Ja, ne."
They watched as she ran back to whence she came.
"Okay... So little girl beat pervert up?" Shampoo inquired.
"Evidently." Ukyo replied.
Amidst the confusion, Genma-panda slipped quietly away. And then knocked over a big urn full of marbles.
"! Hey! Father panda try to escape! Shampoo no like!"
"Uh... Oh." Genma-panda held up a sign.
"GET HIM!" The fiancee brigade descended upon the helpless panda creating a huge debris cloud through the dojo out into the yard.
"Oh dear." Kasumi said. "I'll call Dr. Tofu right away."
"SAOTOME YOU FOUL SORCERER! What black magic has doth casted upon thou's fair family!" A voice cried out from the treetops.
"Ack! Not now Kuno!" Shouted Ranma.
Mousse walks in without his glasses and up to Akane. "Shampoo my love! I have finally found you!"
"Mousse! PUT ON YOUR GLASSES!"
"AAAGHH! I WISH THIS DAY WOULD END!" Ranma shouted for all of Nerima to hear.
AN: WOOHOO! Chapter 5 is finally complete! But now... I'm gonna have to think up a new omake ( Give me time, I'll think up something! And before vicious, bloodthirsty lawyers descend upon me yet again glances side to side Natsume Maya is from the series Tenjho Tenge, copyright Oh! Great/DC Comics/Geneon Entertainment USA.
Next time on Ookiina! Excel and Hyatt finally make it to Nerima! What awaits for them at the center of all chaos? Will they find Ranma? Will more people appear out of nowhere! Will That Man wear an off-white suit! What is Ilpalazzo-sama doing while Excel is away! Where in the world is Ryoga? Will Excel eat him if she finds him? Will these questions ever end! Will someone please give me a shot of Ritalin! Is there anyone out there! Am I just rambling on to myself! Who is that on the horizon! Is that Lina! Is that a slipper I see coming my way! SMACK!... Pidgeys flutter around his head