Looking back at me I see

That I never really got it right

I never stopped to think of you

I'm always wrapped up in

Things I cannot win

You are the antidote that gets me by

Something strong

Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

To you I'm sorry about all the lies

Maybe in a different light

You could see me stand on my own again

Cause now I can see

You were the antidote that got me by

Something strong like a drug that got me high

What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see

The screwed up side of me that I keep

Locked inside of me so deep

It always seems to get to me

I never really wanted you to go

So many things you should have known

I guess for me there's just no hope

I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

- Crossfade; "Cold"

The dream state is a bitch, one that leaves me with memories of what did happen and what could have. They're clear, and the thing is, dreams fade, at least, mine always did.

But these don't. They stay, lodged in the front of my brain, pressing into my sight all day long.

When I clean tables, when I pour drinks, when I usher the drunks out of the bar, trying to ignore all the true things they say.

Nothing I do, nothing I say helps.


He's a sweet boy, but… he's a boy. And that, right there, is it, is the whole point.

I stopped being a girl when I saw Momma getting out an extra night in that hotel. A way that didn't involve money, but got the job done. I'll remember it until the day I die, until the day I finally get to stop walking around and lying to myself.

The noises are still clear, the grunts and the gasps and that totally believable "Oh, Bill!" at the end.

I learned something, learned that when you have nothing left, you have something.

Now, I sit behind the bar or at the place or in the mansion and I see what I did wrong. But you know what they say, foresight is 20/20. And mine certainly is.

I did it, you know, I'm the reason JR's the man he is.

That's what keeps me awake at night, after Jamie's blissfully asleep in his perfect world of good and bad, chivalrous knights and evil dragons. One day, it'll crack, that little dream world of his, a little world of heroes and villains, cowboys and Indians. It's that little world that Tad is trying to protect.

He couldn't protect JR's little world, so he's gonna protect Jamie's… at the price of JR.

I see him, watching me, sitting at the bar when the place is empty, nursing his tequila. Hell, JR owns it, but even though Jamie does know that, read the name Chandler on it…

JR watches me, and he drinks and it isn't about the alcohol, it's about the fact that this is where I am.

Other people would see it as cocky but I know him, because once upon a time, he let me. He sits and he watches because he's waiting.

Sometimes, I wonder what he's waiting for. But other times, after I finally take the whiskey he pours me, after my brain loosens up, I see it where other people see nothing. Those big blue eyes of his, fathomless, empty… unless you know where to look. Now, after my chance has passed, I finally get him, you know?


There, under all the hate and guilt and desperation and hunger and need, it's there. All of what he offered me. All of himself, there, for my taking. We don't really have to talk, but I want to try, maybe try to justify why I couldn't love him. Because that's what he's waiting for, you know.

He sits and he waits to understand why… why I couldn't love him enough to trust in him, to just be there and not want. Because he gets what I didn't until that night him and Amanda were together. He knows I was there, watching, not able to leave.

Even though I do love him, always will, until the day I die and go to Hell, it wasn't that love that kept me with him for all those months… it was my guilt.

And guilt isn't love; Hell, guilt doesn't know the meaning of love.

But love sure as Hell knows guilt, doesn't it?

One day, I'll walk down the aisle, and marry Jamie, and we'll have all kinds of little innocent boys and girls.

But I'll still want my real husband, the one who sits now, watching as I pour him another shot.

I want to get him drunk, just drunk enough not to look at me the way he does. The way he always will. Drunk enough to pull me to him, wrap his arms around me, hold me and let himself enjoy what we used to. But he knows what I want, and he's just smarter like that. And he leaves that one drink there, waltzing out, showing me that he sees it.

He wants to be done with me. For me to just let him go and just stop, but I can't just let it all go, can't just let it all stop. Even if I did want to, I can't. I'm in his blood, in his bone, in his muscles and tendons and all those other nice things that other rich boys don't have. He wants to hate me, but he can't. He still wants me, however he can have me, even if it's a surge of heat and movement against the bar.

Because he can't hate me, he hates himself. And I hate myself for making him like this.

That night, last week, we were close, and he had his hand on my leg, and it was warm through the cloth of my black slacks. And then there were hands up my back, lifting my top and he was kissing me and if I hadn't hesitated, had just gone with what I wanted…

But I'd hesitated and he'd realized what he was doing and I was left leaning against the bar, looking down and waiting to die. And he was gone.

Now, he sits and he watches and he waits for me to explain why… so that just maybe, we can do what we want and he can stop having to make himself wait. He wants me, I want him, we want what is right there, waiting for us.

But he wants an answer and I want to go back in time and stay home that night, both of those fucking nights and I'm too fucking cowardly to just say what he knows in his heart. And the thing we both want is moving away, fading like the dreams should.

And I never meant for this, I never meant to do this, I never meant to be so cold.