Disclaimers: I don't own anything pertaining to Digimon.
My life didn't change in an instant. The change wasn't slow and gradual, either. It happened over the course of a few days, really. It began when Wormmon, my best friend EVER, died for me. That opened my eyes to the true nature of digimon and the darkness in myself. I returned home, having no where else to go. I just knew I had to get away from the Digital World, from the things I had done and from where I lost Wormmon. Then the process of finding myself- my heart- began. At first I thought it was hopeless. But again, my faithful digimon saved me.
Thus, my life changed; from the Digimon Emperor to plain old Ken.
Sometimes, I'm not sure about the change. Please, don't think that I would rather be my former self, because that's the last thing I want. But sometimes I'm so overwhelmed. I feel things now. My range of emotions had been numbness through hate. Now I feel all emotions and it scares me so much. Would I have been better off numb?
I cry. I tremble. I become embarrassed. I smile. I laugh. I blush. I feel sorrow, guilt. Anger is the only thing that is comfortable to feel and that just leads to fear. Am I becoming the person I was again?
The only thing I can do is hide within myself. Which my friends see as an invitation to try to 'help' me become more expressive. My friends. I wouldn't give them up for anything, but don't they see how scared I am? Or do they just not care as much as I think they do? Am I just a fix it up job to them? Now I'm confusing myself.
I never used to get confused.
I'm vulnerable now.
Was I always vulnerable? Is that what went wrong? Is that where the darkness came from?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I don't know.
I hate that phrase.
And hate leads to fear. And a whole other range of emotions.
A whole range of emotions; that's what I've got now.
I'm overwhelmed. Some of the emotions I experience now seem to take precedence over anything else, and it's by their own accord! I can't suppress the way I feel sometimes. But I can't express it, either. Would these emotions be accepted by my peers, or rejected? Or would they take it as an invitation for the mind-games they play with each other? I certainly don't want to become involved in the sort of thing Davis and TK participate in.
So what happens when you can't suppress or express an emotion?
Purely hypothetical situation: suppose the focal point of said emotion spends a significant quantity of time in one's presence. At this point, the emotion entirely takes over, going as far as dominating one's thoughts. Examples of such an occurrence may consist of after letting down two persons down, only that particular one is acknowledged and apologized to accordingly, or perhaps that time I may have abandoned, oh say about, four persons to save one. Make note of the fact that the four were in much graver danger than the one; Arachnemon, Mummymon and BlackWarGreymon pose a greater threat than one Apemon. Also, the four were kind of waiting for Stingmon and I in order to DNA digi-vovle. But I held one life in greater esteem than eight --four humans and four digimon-- lives combined. Because of this unsuppressable emotion.
And those two times aren't the half of it, either.
The worst time was when she was really close to me, I mean really close. I felt like I couldn't breathe and my stomach was doing flips. I don't remember what she said, only that she was talking, in that bright and energetic way that she does. Everything was fuzzy on my end and then in a burst of clarity hit me.
She kissed me.
I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, but I tried to kiss back. Eventually, we pulled apart from one another. She blushed and smiled, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. I felt my own cheeks heat up as well. Reluctantly our eyes locked on those of the other.
We leaned in once more, eyes slowly sliding shut, and let our lips touch again in another sweet kiss.
So, maybe, just maybe, I'm allowed to express this emotion after all.
Author Notes: Yeah, Kenyako, because I can't write a Ken fic that excludes Miyako.