"Hey Michelle, Stephanie." Steve greeted the girls as he walked into their room.
Stephanie put down her American Girl™ catalog. "If you want food," She told him, "it's downstairs in the kitchen."
"Well, that's it." Steve said, quickly thinking. "I thought you girls might want to share some chocolate chip cookies with me. I brought over hundreds of them."
Michelle's mouth dropped open. "You did?"
Steve nodded with a big grin on his face. "You bet."
Stephanie jumped out of bed. "This is great. Come on, Michelle."
The girls hurried out of the room.
"I'll be there in a minute!" Steve called after them.
Steve tapped on Danny bedroom door.
"Come on in!" He heard from inside. Steve stuck his head in.
"Uh, Mr. Tanner, could I use your help in the kitchen?" Steve asked, sounding desperate, which he was.
"Sure." Danny said, going in the kitchen.
"I'll be there in a minute." Steve called after him.
Knock, knock! Joey walked over to the door of his bedroom, still holding the recorded laughter tape. He opened the door.
Steve was standing in the doorway, looking kind of nervous.
"Hey Steve," Joey greeted him. "Come on in."
Steve took a step backwards. "Oh, no, I can't. I just was hoping… never mind. Someone with your skills and talent wouldn't want to. Nope, never mind."
"Go on," Joey encouraged. "You're on the right track."
"Well, I was hoping that you'd come down to the kitchen and do a show for us."
"Who's 'us'?" Joey questioned.
"Well…" Steve said. "Everybody."
"Okay, I'll be there in a minute." Joey said. "After all, it is my birthday and everything. Hey, why not?" Joey sighed.
"Great." Steve said. "Uh, Joey, go down the kitchen stairs."
"Sure." Joey agreed.
Steve sighed with relief. Now he had to hurry into the kitchen.
Steve stuck his head in D.J.'s room.
"All set." He announced.
"Great!" D.J. exclaimed. "Now go into the kitchen and keep everyone there, under all circumstances, okay?"
Steve nodded. "No problem."
D.J. hurried down into the living room and hung a banner over the front doorway that read;
"Happy Birthday Joey! We love you!"
She took a huge amount of presents out of the closet and put them on the coffee table.
She went out to Steve's car and got out the Three Stooges birthday cake.
She hung streamers all over the house.
She stuck a tape in the player that had cheering, applauding, and laughing on it. She would turn it on when it was needed.
She cleaned up the living room real nice, and got all the dust bunnies out from under the couch (there weren't many).
She sprayed that goofy smelling air freshener all over the house. You know, usually the smell like artificial flowers and smells weird. But sometimes you can buy the kind that smells crazy and can make your nose do something weird.
"Now," D.J. said out loud. "I can signal Steve."
Meanwhile, Steve raced down the kitchen stairs. It was crowded full of the Tanner family, not mentioning Uncle Jesse, Joey, with Aunt Becky feeding the twins.
"Steve, where's the cookies?" Stephanie demanded.
"Yeah, you promised." Michelle pouted.
Uncle Jesse came over to Steve. "Yeah, it's about time to listen to those cassettes. Kid, there aren't any cassettes in here."
Joey held up a puppet. "Doesn't anyone want to see some comedy?"
Danny shook his head. "No wonder you said you needed my help."
Before Steve could speak, the back door opened. It was Kimmy Gibbler. She had the party bag in her hand.
"iHola Tanneritos!" She greeted everyone.
Steve gestured for her to go around front.
Kimmy nodded. "Adiós Tanneritos." She left before anyone could say anything.
Then, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it." Joey volunteered, going over to the kitchen door.
"No!" Steve shouted, jumping in front of Joey. "You can't go in there!"
"I can't?" Joey asked. "I didn't do anything wrong."
Steve was desperate. "Look, D.J. will answer, I'm sure, just don't…"
Joey pushed past him, with the rest of the family following.
"…go in there." Steve finished weakly.
D.J. was hanging up the streamers when Kimmy came in the front door.
"Oh, great." D.J. whispered. "You're here!"
Kimmy nodded. "Well, yeah, do you really think that I'd forget?"
D.J. rolled her eyes. "Not particularly. Come on, let's finish."
Just then, the doorbell rang. Kimmy and D.J. looked at each other.
"Who's that?" D.J. asked worriedly.
"I don't know," Kimmy answered back. "But whoever it is just rang the doorbell."
D.J. hurriedly tip toed over to the door and opened it.
It was Rosemund Cary, of all people.
"Oh, hello Donna Jo," She greeted D.J loudly. Then she noticed the decorations. "Your father has worse taste then I thought."
D.J. sighed angrily. "What do you want?"
Rosemund smiled a sickening sweet smile. "I want to see your father."
"He's not here." Kimmy broke in.
"He's not?" Rosemund questioned sharply.
Kimmy shook her head. "Nope, he's not. He went to NASA, which is located in Hollywood, to test fly the new space shuttle model. It crashed into Snoopy, you know, the coldest planet, right after it took off. So now he lives with the Snoopy-Eskimo people."
Rosemund looked at D.J. "And who's this?" She asked.
Suddenly, the rest of the household, including Jesse, Becky and the twins, burst through the kitchen door.
Rosemund put on a fake, sweet, face. "Oh, hello, Daniel." She greeted him sweetly… or too sweet. She looked at Michelle. "And how's your little Michelle Elizabeth?"
Michelle put her hands on her hips. "For goodness sake Rosemund, I'm in the 2nd grade."
She smiled at Danny, and then secretly gave Michelle a dirty look. Michelle stuck out her tongue.
Joey looked at D.J. "Deej, is this some sort of a surprise party or something?"
D.J. nodded. "Yeah, I wanted to surprise you, but… well... there'll be other birthdays."
Danny turned to Rosemund. "Uh, I have to go get cleaned up. Could you stay here and wait?"
"That will be absolutely divine." Rosemund said.
"Great, I'll only be a minute. Be back in a flash." Danny said, hurrying to his bedroom.
"Yeah," Uncle Jesse said, turning to Aunt Becky, "We'd better get the kids to Aunt Ida's house before she calls us."
"Jess," Aunt Becky began, "Why do we have to hurry? It'll be fine if she calls us."
"No it won't, because then we'll be forced into having an hour long conversation about haircutting. Now, let's get a move on."
D.J. was startled. "But Uncle Jesse," She asked, "Aunt Becky, where are you going?"
Aunt Becky turned to her. "We're going out on a date. We've been planning this for months." Then she turned to Uncle Jesse. "Let's go." And they left.
Joey gave D.J. a big hug. "I'm so sorry D.J., but we can't help other people's plans. Danny and Rosemund have a date tonight too; after all, it is Saturday. I mean, everyone has a date on Saturday."
Michelle looked at Joey. "Then how come you don't have a date tonight?" She asked innocently.
Stephanie looked at Michelle and then hugged Joey. "Because dad wants him to stay here with us." She replied. Joey winked at Stephanie and went upstairs to his bedroom, leaving D.J., Steve, Kimmy, Stephanie and Michelle to deal with Rosemund.
Michelle looked puzzled. "Why doesn't Joey have a girlfriend?" She asked harmlessly.
Rosemund applied lipstick to herself. "Why, isn't it obvious? He's such an idiot that anyone who would like him would be just ill."
Everyone stared at each other with their mouths open. Finally, Steve spoke up.
"Well, I guess Mr. Tanner is ill, because he's going out with you. But if he knew what you were really like…"
Rosemund just ignored him. "Well, anyone who likes The Three Stooges obviously is ignorant."
"You shouldn't be here." Michelle spoke up.
"Yeah," Stephanie broke in, "If you don't like us, then you should just leave and don't come back."
"You're right." Rosemund agreed. "Why should I hang around people with your kind of tomfoolery and dumbness?"
Everybody just stared at each other, except for Kimmy, that is.
"What's tomfoolery?" She asked.
Rosemund looked at the other kids. "I have proved my point."
Just then, Danny came back in, straightening his tie. "Ready to go?" He asked cheerfully.
"I sure am, good-looking."
Danny smiled. "Okay, I'll start up Walt- I mean, my nice red car."
Rosemund turned back to the kids. "Good-bye children." She said to them.
"See," Stephanie announced. "She does think dad is handsome."
Rosemund gave them a dirty look. "Actually, he needs a nose job."
Kimmy nodded. "I second that."
D.J. gave Kimmy a disgusted look. "If dad 'needs a nose job'," D.J. started, "Then why do you go out with him?"
Rosemund smiled a fake smile at D.J. "Donna Jo, children, I want you to listen to me and I want you to listen to me good. I'm rich, and your father makes a good deal of money. It would double my income."
Kimmy nodded then gave a confused look. "What's 'income'?"
Rosemund looked hard at her. "Look it up in the dictionary, you ignorant child."
Rosemund gave them a snotty look and left the house to go join Danny. The kids stared at each other.
"Daddy likes a woman like that?" Michelle exclaimed, shocked.
Stephanie looked at Michelle. "Michelle, I don't think Dad knows."
Michelle looked at them. "He'll find out."
"Joey, could we talk?" Stephanie asked, going into Joey bedroom, which used to be Jesse's room.
"Sure Steph," Joey said, putting down a remote control, "What's up?"
"Uh," Stephanie began, "You know Rosemund…?"
Joey nodded. "Well, not very well, but yes, I sort of do."
"Well, she's awful! She pretends to like dad, but she told us that he needed a nose job. And she said that we were trouble and dumb!"
Joey looked hard at Stephanie. "Steph, is that true?"
Joey stood up and stretched. "Well, you can tell him when he gets home."
Stephanie was startled. "But why can't you?" She asked.
"Because you're the one who said she's awful."
"But," Stephanie began.
Joey shook his head. "No buts."
Danny came inside and shut the door. He pulled up his jacket sleeve and looked at his watch. It read 11:42. He plopped down on the couch.
"Ouch," He heard Stephanie exclaim, "Dad? Is that you?"
Danny quickly stood up. Stephanie was lying on the couch, dressed in her bright yellow PJ's.
"Steph, what are you doing up? It's almost midnight!"
He looked around. Michelle was lying on a recliner chair, with D.J. sitting on the floor.
Stephanie got into a sitting position. "Uh, dad, before you get happy again… I have to gently break your heart… or whatever Joey says."
Danny sat back down. "What is it?"
Stephanie and Michelle looked at D.J.
D.J. took a deep breath. "It's Rosemund. She's ac-."
Danny interrupted. "She wonderful, isn't she? You know, she speaks not only English, but she speaks Spanish, French, Italian, German… and some other stuff. She's a great singer. And she's a wonderful pianist, violinist, flutist, and can play the mandolin."
Stephanie couldn't hold it in anymore. "But she's mean to us kids!" She exclaimed.
Danny looked shocked. "What?"
"Well, first of all, she thinks Kimmy's ignorant," D.J. began.
Danny looked at D.J.
"Honey, who doesn't?" He questioned.
"But she's not finished!" Stephanie exclaimed. "She says we're all are dumb; her exact words were tomfoolery and dumbness. Tomfoolery means trouble. She said that the reason she goes out with you is because if you get married to her, her income would be doubled. And she said that you needed a nose job. She's really mean, dad.
"Well, yeah," Danny continued. "But,- did she really say I needed a nose job?"
"Oh my God!" Danny said. He stood up and looked at Michelle. "Honey, did she really do all this?"
"Everyone," Danny commanded, "get on the couch." The kids piled on the couch, with Michelle on Danny's lap.
"Are you three telling the truth?" He asked.
The girls nodded.
"O.K, I'll call Rosemund. You girls get upstairs. It's way past your bedtime."
Stephanie kissed Danny. "Thanks, dad," She said softly.
Danny patted her shoulder. "You're welcome, sweetheart."
Danny sighed and went into the kitchen.
Danny picked up the phone and dialed Rosemund's phone number; I-M-SWEET. Rosemund picked up on the third ring.
"Hello?" She answered like a Queen or something.
"Rosemund?" Danny said, "This is Danny Tanner. Uh, my daughter said some very disturbing things about you.
"Oh, hello sweetie." Rosemund ignored the subject. "Isn't it rather late to be calling?"
Danny tried again. "Rosemund, she said that you said that I needed a nose job."
Rosemund sounded shocked. "Now, why would I say that?"
"Rosemund, she also said that you said my children were dumb and had behavior problems. And the reason we were going out was because if we got married, income would be doubled."
Rosemund sounded confused. "But I didn't say such a thing. Listen Danny, your daughters don't like me. Maybe they don't really truly like the idea of you dating. Maybe-"
Danny interrupted. "Are you implying that my children lie?"
"Well, what they said is not true…"
Danny was starting to get frustrated. He knew what Stephanie said was true.
"Rosemund," he said firmly. "I'll see you tomorrow. Good evening."
Danny hung up. He realized that he had uncomfortable feelings about Rosemund, but hadn't noticed until that moment. He smiled as he went into his bedroom.
"Happy birthday to you," The family sang, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Joey. Happy birthday to you!"
Joey blew out the candles on his cake. Everyone clapped.
"You know," Joey said. "I'm really honored to be apart of this family… even if we do celebrate birthdays the day after."
Uncle Jesse leaned over to Joey. "Just remember, I'm only here because of the chocolate cake."
Joey started to cut the cake, while Jesse and Becky got Nicky and Alex in their high chairs. D.J., Kimmy, Steve, Danny, Stephanie and Michelle got into their chairs.
Joey sighed. "I'm glad there are no more surprises for this family right now."
"You wanna bet?" Michelle asked teasingly, pulling out a wrapped present from under her chair.
"What's this?" Joey asked.
"Open it." Michelle said excitedly.
Inside the wrapping paper was a T-shirt with different fabrics for the sleeves and collar. It was hand sewn and must have been a size XXXXXXXXXXX L.
Michelle smiled. "I've been working on this forever! Do you like it? It's for my sewing badge."
Joey smiled. "Michelle, I love it. Thanks so much."
Uncle Jesse smiled. "Joseph, why don't you try it on? Show everyone how it fits?"
Joey glared at Jesse and smiled, "Okay, okay. I'll be right back."
All characters belong to whoever owns "Full House"; except for Rosemund Cary, that is. She's mine and don't you forget it! (That was NOT meant in a bad way… have a sense of humor)