A/N: A silly lil one-shot with very slight HBP spoilers. This idea came to me when I was re-reading OotP (the Ministry chapter specifically) when Harry and Mr Weasley bump into Bob (with the magic chicken.) in the elevator. I just felt like writing some humour, as HBP has caused a lot of good but depressing fics. Please review, let me know what you think :)
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and co belong to J K Rowling. Thecrude humour belongs to me :D
I had a feeling, as I signed into work at the Ministry this morning, that today would be a day unlike any other. Saying that, I think that most mornings…I guess that's just the optimist in me. I rode the elevator alone to the Fourth Level of the Ministry, and arrived to the Department for the Regulation of Magical Creatures, or as I call it DeRMaC…I'm the only one. It makes it sound cooler.
I was late, as usual but it went unnoticed, and immediately crossed the department to the door in the far corner. My office. Well, I call it my office…it's really the filing room, but I'm known as the Filing Guy, so technically it's my office, right?
I was worn out from my journey (being slightly long around the middle) so I slumped to the floor by the most recent files, which had been so inconsiderately dumped to one side of the room. I loosened my tie from around my neck. It was silky, brown with pale pink spots. My mum chose it.
Filing was hardly the world's most tasking job. The real challenge was in staying awake, in the small, stuffy, windowless room…uh, I mean office.
Who am I kidding? I would give anything to have a real office; a water cooler, windows (I hear those with authority get asked what weather they would prefer each day!), a chair even, and assistant called Les who would obediently fetch me my coffee every half hour. Instead, I have to wait on those around me like some skivvy. Not like the Level Two snobs, the Auror's mainly. Man I hate those jumped-up gits...Well, all except one.
I don't know her given name. Some say she doesn't have one. Others say it's forbidden to speak of it. I sometimes feel it's forbidden to even look at her in all her radiant glory. She's the only Auror who doesn't look down her nose at me in contempt. Granted, she doesn't look at me at all, but I put that from my mind and focus on the positive; she isn't repulsed by me.
So here I am, sat alone in my fusty filing room, once again daydreaming about Auror Tonks. If the Ministry knew they were paying me to fantasize about young women in the workplace, they'd have my ass. But I keep it cool. No one suspects a thing…well, except Shacklebolt. I hate that cocky git! He has everything I could possibly want, and he gets to use the cubicle next to Tonks herself. I bet he can smell her…
I bumped into her in the Staff Room the other lunchtime. Not literally of course, can you imagine that! She spoke in such a soft voice; I was entranced. She said she doesn't drink coffee, she just hangs for the chats. Merlin, she's adorable…and I mean that in a strong, manly way. Well in truth, I feel so giddy inside when I see her!
Tonks has started drinking hot honey and lemon. The smell lingers in the room after she's left or I can smell it as I enter, knowing she's been there recently, and secretly hoping that my chair is the one she was sat in.
These are the glossy-eyed moments when Shittlebolt makes snide comments, saying that there's no way in Hell a sexy young woman like her is going to take a second glance at me; a fat, balding, middle-aged man…his words not mine. I hear they're on first name basis. Bastard!
Apparently, she's hung up on this man she knows. Fallen for him bad, and he doesn't want her! What! Is this guy crazy! Gay, possibly. Blind, too. Then again, it's probably just Shacklebolt trying to get on my man-boobs.
Tonks has seemed a little down recently though. She's more subdued, and recoils from conversations in the Staff Room. I want to hold her and make it all better. I'd probably get a restraining order put on me…or be dismissed. I'll stick to safely watching her from a distance…and the fantasies are on the hush-hush too, know what I mean?
I wish I knew more about her; what really makes her tick. I casually asked Shackletwat once what her first name is. He smiled politely at me and said in his overly-cool voice,
"Wouldn't you like to know."
Uh, yeah that's why I'm asking! Geez that man thinks he's the best thing since…well, something good. I can't really think of anything right now. Except her.
I jumped as I heard a noise outside my 'office' door. No one ever comes to call unless they want something doing. My hopes weren't high. I quickly shuffled up the files that should have already been sorted this morning, when I heard the door open behind me.
"What?" I mumbled to the pile of parchment on the floor, my round ass stuck in the air without any grace whatsoever.
I turned around to greet my intruder, when my jaw dropped. There she was, the Goddess of the Ministry…in all her Aurory glory. Her hair fell down her back in waves of fiery red. She's hot!
"Hello, Bob." She purred my name so softly, I'm sure I let out a groan. She took no heed as I babbled incoherently. My lady wore a skirt, very unlike her but you don't hear me complaining! Her smooth legs seemed to go on for miles, and she wore heels, making her tower over me. I'm a little intimidated to be honest. Her white shirt was a little too tight, and she was cold…I could see that much. I, on the other hand, had just felt the room hit boiling point. I loosened my tie a bit more, taking a hard gulp.
Tonks crossed the small space with her petite hips swaying gracefully. I've heard she's a bit of a klutz…Shackleboob again, damn him! There was nothing remotely clumsy about the way she moved past me, and I resisted the urge to stroke her thigh as she passed.
"I'm here for the Greyback file…Bob," she uttered my name softly and I gawped at her. Realising that I haven't moved, I grabbed at the nearest file and shoved it in her direction, lowering my eyes to the floor. She flicked through it with her slender fingers, each displaying a long blood-red nail.
"This isn't it," she told me sweetly and I felt my face burn. Of course it wasn't. Come on Bob, now is your chance to shine. Filing, the only thing you're good at, and you're screwing it up in front of her.
"Uh…well, I…" I went to move, when she took hold of my wrist. Surely she could feel my pulse pounding under her soft fingertips.
"It's here," she exclaimed and leant forward. Her skirt rose up…and I could see ass! This is the best and worst day of my life!
"Oh, sorry," she giggled and I melted. My trousers became uncomfortably tight. I hoped she hadn't noticed. Where hadthe air gone? Before I could regain any self-composure, the witch dropped the file, sending parchment all over the floor.
"Oops," she giggled again, and we crouched simultaneously to retrieve it.
Her face was so close to mine. I could feel her breath against my lips; honey and lemon…I was in heaven.
Within a blink of her violet eyes, her lips brushed against mine. I shuddered uncontrollably, wondering what on Earth I had done to deserve this pleasure. She grabbed my collar viciously and pulled me closer. I could feel her chest heaving against mine as she deepened the kiss. Her lips are so soft…I wonder if she uses balm. Nowwas not the time for caring, Bob!
Her tongue found mine and I felt rather than heard her groan. We were on the floor now, spread amongst the fallen parchment, old coffee cups and chewed quills. She pinned me forcefully to the ground. It kinda hurt. I'll worry about it later, I told myself.
She straddled me, and once again I blessed the beauty of short skirts. Shackleshit is right; I really am an old pervert.
Her hands caressed my hair gently, and I decided to be brave and do a little exploring of my own.
My trembling hands stroked her outer thighs slowly, gradually getting higher and higher until they cupped…Merlin, is it go-commando day? Must have missed the memo. I'm glad she didn't.
Tonks managed to hook my tie from over my head, and her quick fingers fiddled with my shirt buttons.
"I've thought about you a lot, Bob," she murmured in between kisses. "Do you think about me?" All I could think of to do is nod, and grin like an idiot. She pushed my open shirt apart and I suddenly wished I'd put on a clean vest this morning. Tonks pouted as she saw it, realising that it was a constriction. She shrugged it off, moving to my trouser catch instead. I gave a little gasp as the back of her hand grazed my abdomen. I wished I weren't so fat!
Tonks pulled at my trousers and pushed them down with a forceful grunt.
Suddenly, she was hovering over me, and I could see her powerful, toned thighs on each side of my body, out of the corner of my eyes. Oh Merlin this is it!
"Do you want me Bob?" Her voice was hoarse. My throat felt dry and I swallowed.
"Yup," I managed to mumble. Apparently this is what she wanted to hear, as she gave a low chuckle of pleasure and began to lower herself onto me. I braced myself…I'd waited so long for this. I didn't understand why it was happening, but I was sure as hell gonna enjoy it…and then find Shacklebolt straight away and piss on his bonfire of authority.
My eyes closed in expectation. My lip began to tremble…I was ready…
"HELLO! Filing Guy, have you been listening to a word I've been saying?"
My eyes snapped open. There she was…Tonks…stood at my door, fully clothed in her Auror robes and a look of bemusement on her face. Her hair was a rather dull brown and her eyes were shadowed. There was no sexy smile on her face.
"Are you ok, Filing Guy?"
"Bob," I mumbled, taking a few breaths to calm myself.
"Right, Bob. Uh…I'm here for the Greyback files."
There was silence. I'm sure she could hear my heart.
"What?" It came out sharper than I intended
"Fenrir Greyback," she prompted. I blinked at her.
She was still beautiful, even if she did look like shit. Had she been crying? He's a bastard whoever he is. I have a good mind to go round and sort him out. On second thoughts, I'll send my brother. He's bigger than me.
"Oh right," I blurted out and scrambled with difficulty from off my ass. I searched hurriedly around the room. Maybe I should get on with my job; this place is a fucking mess!
"You wanna help me look?" I grinned to myself. I couldn't help it. She didn't look impressed and it quickly faded.
"So…you guys up on Level Two finally chasing up those werewolf leads?" I asked her casually. She stared at me as if I'd grown a third eye. I discreetly checked by wiping my forehead with the back of my hand.
"Something like that...I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention me taking these to anyone…especially Kingsley."
Kingsley? Oh right, her big black lover.
"Sure," I said chirpily. Oh come on, one smile…please? Nope? Ok then.
"You know…I'm in a bit of a rush so if you could hurry up." She placed both hands on her hips and I cringed. She hates me. My life is ruined.
"I sent you a memo yesterday saying that I'd be coming to collect them. You could have had the file ready." I didn't care for her harsh tone one bit…Oh, I think I'm in love.
"Memo…I see no memo." I looked around gormlessly, like an oaf trying to find his own backside.
"It's here." Tonks pointed out to me a scrappy piece of parchment, which I had unfortunately been using as a coaster. Eeep!
Please have ready the files on Fenrir Greyback for my use by tomorrow morning,
Why not just wipe crap on my face? It's Mr Filing Guy! Well…she can call me Bob, but that's beside the point. This is a formal memo.
I gave a sigh of relief as I found the ruddy files on Greyback.
"Give him hell. Fucking werewolves. They should be shot, the lot of 'em!" I looked to her for a sign of agreement. There was none. Her dark eyes widened slightly. Was she mad at me? Perhaps I should have kept quiet. Conversations aren't my strong point.
Tonks snatched at the file. It gave me a paper cut. Bloody werewolves. Bloody women.
"Thanks," she said thickly and turned to the door.
I blinked at her back for a brief moment.
"Hey wait," I resisted the urge to call her 'Auror Lady' to piss her off. "Tonks!"
My secret sweetheart, my lover, my mistress, my…wife? Nah, I just wanted to bang her.
"What?" she asked through clench teeth. I took a deep breathfor courage.
"What does the N stand for?" I asked casually, waving her memo at her. (That is going on my bedside table when I get home!)
I saw something in her eyes. A twinkle? For a brief moment I swore there was a hint of mischievousness in her dark eyes. A small smile crept onto her lips. My heart gave a leap.
"Wouldn't you like to know," she teased slightly. Yes…yes I would. "Sorry, Bob. I can't tell you. There's only one man who gets the privilege of using that name."
Something told me it wasn't Shacklebobbins. Something also told me that this guy is a wanker, too. I wanted to tell her how foolish she is for wanting to be with him and not me, but instead I smiled politely.
"Lucky him," I managed to croak with my heart in my throat.
"Yeah," she sighed with a sad smile. "Lucky him."
She closed the door once more, and I didn't even get the opportunity to perve on her ass as she walked away.
I was alone in my office again. It's a lonely job, being the Filing Guy…but someone has to do it. And besides, some days are better than others. Like today…when I almost banged N. Tonks on my 'office' floor. Today was a good day. Not great, but pretty darn good.
A/N: Review please :)