The Trouble With Tok'ra
A silly (but very fun to write) sidefic to the Author's Notes of Shadow Stargate (Redone), by Quatre Winner. This story co-written by Quatre Winner and JK Fie'r.
Duo was sleeping quite soundly when a quiet thud echoed throughout his room in one of Quatre's many mansions. Despite this, he was up and had a gun pointed at the visitor in the middle of his room. Wide silver eyes stared back at him.
"She did it!" the young boy spluttered. "She actually sent me- Hey!" He grinned. "You must be Duo. How nice to meet you."
Duo blinked. "Do I know you?"
The young boy shrugged, and Duo abruptly noticed the tricolored spikes. Black, red, and… silver? Duo looked twice, just to be sure.
"Quit staring at my hair. It's not my fault, anyway. Blame Quatre. She's the one who stuck me in Yugi, and JK, who gave her the idea to give me silver hair."
Duo kept his gun pointed. No sense in taking any chances.
"Quatre's a guy," the braided pilot stated evenly.
"I know that quite well. I'm talking about my Quatre." The boy completely ignored the gun in Duo's hand and turned around to take in the entire room.
"There can't be two of them," Duo muttered. "And who the hell are you?"
Silver eyes snapped back to him. "Oh! Silly me. I'm Ame. If you ever find out my real name, I'll feed you to my namesake in little bits."
"And about there being two Quatres, they're not related. Hells, they don't even look alike." Ame tilted his head thoughtfully. "Actually, TL looks more like you."
Duo rubbed his forehead. He was starting to get a headache. "And who is TL?"
"Quatre," Ame stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Your Quatre," Duo clarified.
"Yup!" Ame beamed. "I always knew you were the smart one."
"So we can call him, her, it, whatever, TL?" Duo sighed. "That sounds a lot better than trying to explain to Quatre who Quatre is." He blinked, then flopped backwards onto his bed with a groan. His gun was pointed harmlessly at the floor now.
"Yami tells me I'm contagious," Ame grinned, padding over to pat Duo reassuringly on the arm. "It's not just you. Hells, the entire SGC is going to need a psychiatric evaluation when I'm done with them."
"I'm not asking," Duo moaned, turning over to bury his face in the pillows.
Ame frowned down at him, then peered at the alarm clock. "It's 10 in the morning. Aren't you going to get up?"
Duo looked at the clock himself. "I usually wake up at lunch."
Ame hauled him to his feet, strong despite his diminutive stature. "Rise and shine, cause I want pizza!" he chirped.
Duo stared at the kid in amazement. "How old are you?"
Ame paused to think. "Oh… about ten thousand years old."
At Duo's disbelieving blink, he pouted. "No one ever believes me."
"Why should they?" Duo queried, stepping around Ame to get to his dresser. "Now get under my blankets and don't peak until I tell you. I'll shoot you if you do."
Ame sniggered but complied.
"Have you and Heero slept together yet?" came the innocent question from under the black quilt.
Duo spluttered indignantly and raised his gun to the mound on the bed. "How the fuck did you know I like Heero?"
"Oh, a little birdy told me. Actually, it's a wonderful thing called the Internet. You know how many pictures there are of you and Heero together? I haven't seen any worth looking at, myself, 'cause both of you were clothed, but-"
A single shot echoed through the Winner mansion, and Ame was left staring at a nice hole in the quilt.
"You shot me!" he noted indignantly.
Running footsteps alerted them both to the fact that the other pilots had heard the gunshot and would be coming in shortly. Duo hastily pulled on his pants as Ame peered hungrily out of the bullet hole.
Duo turned around and caught him staring. "Does TL know you like guys?"
Ame shrugged. "Haven't asked her if I'm supposed to or not. Yami and Yugi are together, which leaves me out of the loop unless TL decides on a threesome."
"Dark and Game?" Duo asked, confused.
Ame shrugged. "She's not the one who came up with the names. Actually, I'm not sure who came up with Yami before the dub decided to use that as his name."
The door burst open just then, revealing a fully armed pilot 01. Ame eeped and held up his hands in surrender.
"Don't shoot me, Heero! Go ahead and screw your boyfriend! That would be a much more useful activity!"
Heero's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.
"What the fuck!"
Quatre stepped calmly into the room and between Heero and the Tok'ra. "Heero, don't kill the kid, he's harmless. Well, mostly."
"And how would you know that?" Wufei demanded.
"I can feel it. He's got a mean streak to rival Duo's when he's in Shinigami mode, but other than that, I don't sense anything else."
Ame glomped Quatre, sending the blonde tumbling to the floor. "Thanks, Q-ball!" He got up and grinned at Heero, who still had the gun trained firmly on him. "Now, that's not nice, Heero. Yugi's been teaching me how to use the puzzle, and I don't want to pull Mirror Force on you."
Heero glared at him. "Omae o korosu."
"Not until I've had pizza, and you better be sure it's a head shot." Ame grinned at the as-yet silent Trowa. "Hello, you seem familiar. Have I threatened you before?" He paused, then frowned. "No, wait that doesn't quite fit. Never mind."
Trowa's eyebrow raised just a fraction of an inch.
"Do you think I can get pictures of you and Quatre in bed? Preferably naked and doing naughty things to each other? Duo and Heero won't let me."
Quarter sputtered and turned beet red. Trowa just stared openmouthed.
"You forgot to mention he can't stop talking," Duo said to the blonde. "I actually think I like him. Hey, can we get him and Une in the same room together?"
Ame shook his head. "I would rather be stuck in a hole in the ground for another ten thousand years if Une is as bad as Anise."
Wufei rubbed his temple in a frustrated manner. "Can we take this insanity elsewhere? I'm sure we can straighten this out over coffee, if one of us hasn't shot whoever-this-is yet."
"Hey!" the Tok'ra protested. "I'm not really that bad, am I?" He paused. "Don't answer that."
They were all in the kitchen ten minutes later, five out of the six of them drinking coffee, the odd one out munching on leftover pizza.
"So…" Ame said, finishing one slice and picking up the next. He didn't blink under the force of three glares and two cool stares.
"Who the hell are you, for starters, is a very good question," Duo said conversationally.
Ame nodded agreement. "My name is Ame. I'm a Tok'ra. I'm not even going to bother explaining that to you, as it's very complicated and I don't have enough patience. I annoyed a woman who goes by the name of Quatre Winner but whom Duo and I have agreed to call TL and she sent me to Duo to be tortured, though I daresay I've been torturing you guys more. I haven't got the faintest clue as to how to get home, well not home, but back to Yugi, so unless you guys plan to shoot me, I'm stuck."
Five pairs of eyes blinked at him.
"And strangely enough," Quatre put in helpfully, "he was telling the truth."
Heero exhaled slowly, glaring death at Ame. "So what do we do with him?"
"For one thing, I'm not letting him sleep in my room," Trowa stated calmly.
"Or mine," Quatre added absently.
Ame refrained from the obvious answer.
"You guys share a room," Duo pointed out.
Ame snickered. "I'll be glad to get a room of my own," he offered innocently.
"Is he going to be a security risk?" Heero demanded.
"Why don't we ask him?" Duo suggested.
Five pairs of eyes turned on the Tok'ra.
"Nothing short of my dear mother can get me to talk, and seeing as she's dead, the matter's moot," Ame said cheerfully. "I can shoot as straight as anybody, even when it comes to getting a date, so you don't have to worry about that. I'll probably annoy the enemy into letting me go, so I think all points are taken care of for now." Ame grinned and finished his pizza. "Now can I go take a shower? I was on my way before TL zapped me here."
"And who is TL?" Quatre asked innocently.
"I don't know what the Set you'd call her," Ame groused. "She's got powers to rival the gods, but she never uses them. She uses this weird staff instead that has all the same powers as her. She's got another personality, too, who wanders around as a separate person most of the time and a guy she nicked from an anime called Rurouni Kenshin." Ame paused. "Oh, yeah, and another guy, too, like me that they torment. Kurai. Gods, I wish he were here."
Quatre coughed into his hand. "So you're saying that this TL person is a god?"
Ame tilted his head in thought, then nodded.
"Allah help us," Quatre moaned.
"So made a goddess angry?" Duo asked. "Cool! Tell me how!"
"Don't go near her. There're millions of people like her who want to gobble you all up," Ame advised seriously.
"Would the Internet have something to do with it?" Duo asked. "You mentioned pictures."
"Aa," Ame muttered. "Billions of pictures of the five of you. The pairings differ, but that doesn't seem to matter to everyone else."
"Pairings?" Wufei asked.
Ame leaned back in his chair. "The standard yaoi pairings are one times two and three times four, with poor Wufei left out to dry. Er, wither."
A rather strained look crossed Wufei's features then, and both Duo and Quatre exchanged slightly lost looks. Trowa raised an eyebrow silently. Heero, as the only person in the room who knew what 'yaoi' really meant, was trying not to twitch.
Ame continued talking.
"Although JK has a bit of a soft spot for Wufei and Trei…z…e… 'Fei-'Fei, I suggest you watch where you point that gun of yours."
Wufei seemed to be checking to see if said gun was loaded.
"JK?" Heero asked, and if it weren't Heero talking, he would have said it weakly.
"Yep. JK. The piece of terror I live with part-time. She's a little on the short side, but makes up for that by bouncing around half the time, and wearing slightly platform shoes the other half of the time."
Duo looked pointedly at Ame.
"She's still taller than me, even without the shoes," Ame muttered, looking slightly put out. "She also torments Kurai, but she's got a cat, so Kurai doesn't care so much, and I seem to get more pizza when she's doing the torturing."
"Wow! That's gotta be, what, about a full sentence out of Trowa!"
"…Hey, Ame, does JK know you like guys?" Duo asked innocently.
"She thinks I'm bi, and the Elf that lives with her thinks I'm straight. The last time I saw Lint-ball, she made some comment about me being 'her Tok'ra, and there is no way Anzu is getting near me.' I don't think she'd take it well. Lintorodien rants. She tends to rant about spelling, grammar, and languages, but she does it more than Wufei does Justice rants." Ame was in full babble-mode.
"Oh." Quatre said.
"Needless to say, she's currently bound and gagged in a small padded room, with a steady flow of tomato soup."
"Hey guys! I think Trowa's gonna say something!"
"…Quatre, could you please pass the butter?"
"Wow. A whole sentence out of Mr Talkative."
Duo snorted into his coffee.
"Is this JK person also like a Goddess?" Quatre asked, slightly worried that all his religious beliefs were about to be shaken.
"She's like one, sure, but I've never seen her do anything about it."
"And that is supposed to mean what, Ame?"
Duo's coffee had risen out of its cup, and was forming into a face.
"Heh-heh… Hiya JK! What's up with the sudden display of godlike powers?"
"This is not a display of godlike powers, this is a display of coffee-like powers. There is a distinct difference. Anyway, TL-sama says that you had better behave when you get back to my place, or she shall send you to Relena disguised as Heero… and you won't have any magic or other way to defend yourself from the pink menace."
"Hey! TL doesn't talk like that!"
"You're right. She doesn't. I'm doing the threatening, and I have the lightsaber. Play nice, little devourer."
The coffee sploshed back into Duo's cup, which was quickly set on the table once more.
"So… does that happen often around you, Ame? Only it could be kind of distracting in the middle of a mission, if my coffee suddenly spoke to me like that."
"No, neither of them do it that often. So, back to the pairings-"
Heero finally lost all control. He raised a gun out of seemingly nowhere, took aim at Ame, and fired.
There was a tricoloured blur, and Ame was standing behind Heero, hold the gun in the air and examining it critically. Blood poured from a deep wound in his arm, but Ame didn't seem to notice this as he looked critically at Heero's weapon.
"Not a bad design, but I would be careful about firing it in an enclosed space it I were you. It doesn't seem to have much in the way of silencers."
"You're… You're bleeding!" Quatre spluttered, already standing to get the first aid kit.
"Yes, Q-bean, I'm bleeding. Your point? Heero, there is a question that has bugged myself and many other people for quite some time now. Do you know what it is?"
Heero shook his head in a mild state of shock.
"Where do you keep your guns? I've seen one theory that says you have Spandex Space somewhere, but even the most hentai of JK's friends found that one strange."
Quatre, meanwhile, watched as the wound started to heal itself.
"Is that some sort of god-like gift, or something?" He asked, pointing at Ame's arm. Ame glanced down.
"I am a Tok'ra, watch me heal at speeds no normal human would manage, not even the Perfect Soldier. Watch my eyes flash gold-" Ame's eyes flashed gold "and my voice change." Ame said in a Goa'uld voice, before continuing as normal. "Heero, can you pretty please answer my question."
"Oh well, evidently not."
-Meanwhile, back at TL's house…-
"Hey, guys, have you seen Ame?"
Yami Kenshin didn't even look up from cleaning his sword.
"I think TL saw him last. Go ask her."
Kurai blinked, and scuttled off.
-Five minutes later…-
"You sent him WHERE!"
TL raised an eyebrow at the Egyptian.
"I sent him to Duo. Why, what's your problem?"
"I-uh… well, that is to say-"
"Ne, TL-sama, I think Kurai-chan's blushing," JK's voice commented casually.
TL turned back to her computer screen.
"Why, I do believe you're right, JK. Of course, this does mean that you owe me a manga."
"I don't believe you two! Ame could be lost between dimensions, seriously hurt, one of the pilots could have even killed him-"
"Oh do calm down, Kurai," TL said, forestalling any more rants.
"Yeah, I just checked on him. He's fine, the G-boys haven't shot him yet. Stop worrying about him. Ra, anybody would think you were his mother or something!"
"Or his boyfriend maybe…" TL swivelled in her chair to leer at the spirit.
Kurai blinked once, then drew himself up to his full height and sniffed haughtily.
"I am quite sure that I don't know what you're talking about. And I would advise you not to take a god's name in vain, JK. Good day."
"Bye, Kurai!" JK's voice sing-songed from the computer's speakers.
Both girls kept straight faces for all of three seconds after Kurai had left the room before they collapsed into helpless giggles.