The Author said "Let there be disclaimers,", and there were, and they were good.
The Basic Disclaimer® -This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. But you already knew that.
The Be Nice Disclaimer – It's a parody. Don't get angry.
The Whatsupwiththeexclamationpoints!Disclaimer – I'm not sure where it originated, but it seems to be an online!thing. If you've never seen it, you'll get the idea. Just please don't send me an essay on the proper use of exclamation points.
The Playing-Fast-And-Loose-With-The-Rules Disclaimer - I'm not sure if this skirts the line of what the website allows. I have been thwaped by the admins before. If it gets deleted and they thwap me again, so be it.
Welcome to one of the lesser-known, but most useful classes at Hogwarts! While there's no foolish wand-waving in this class, it will prepare you to recognize and avoid one of the big hazards associated with attending Hogwarts- the dangerous over-population of Mary Sues!
This class will cover all the basic Sues, teaching you how to recognize and correctly identify them. Students who achieve an "E" or higher on their O.W.L. will be allowed to continue to Advanced Sues.
Required Class Materials:
-The Complete Illustrated Guide to Mary Sues (Fourth Edition) by Citygirl
- an intact sense of humor
Let's get started! The first question we must ask ourselves- What is a Mary Sue? They are the plague of the fanfiction world! The Sues are varied, ever-changing, and eternal.
And how, you ask, will know if it is a Sue you are facing? There are a few sure-fire ways to recognize a Sue:
Hair- For some reason, the outstanding feature of many Mary Sues seems to be their hair. Though it may be any color, straight or curly, it is always long and "cascading." It may also be shining, shimmering, attractively tousled, wind-tossed, and have beautiful highlights that are always totally natural.1 A Sue's hair is never frizzy, even when it's humid. Mary Sues are required to toss their hair frequently, so as to draw attention to it and dazzle people with its beauty.
Body- a Sue will dazzle men and defy the laws of physics by being at once petite, but not too short, and slim, but not too skinny. Even if the Sue is only a child!Sue, she will have perfect breasts. This is probably the result of her being such a fantastic Quidditch Player and dancer.
Eyes- A Sue is not limited to normal eye colors, but may have eyes ranging from purple, to red, to fantastically multi-colored. If a Sue were to have normal one-color eyes, such as blue or brown, they will inevitable be described with bad metaphors such as "sky-colored" or "chocolate."
Special skills- Aside from being the smartest student at Hogwarts and the star of the Quidditch team in whatever house of her choosing, Sue may also be (including but not limited to) a Seer, an animagus, an expert in wandless magic, apparition (on the Hogwarts grounds), legilimency and occulmency, a fabulous singer and dancer, a speaker of multiple foreign languages. She may also be able to control the weather and/or talk to animals.
For your convenience, our Sue lessons will follow a handy reference-guide format:
Name: The type of Sue
Possible Aliases: Other names the Sue uses.
Parents: Where did the Sue come from?
Her Story: Why is she at Hogwarts, and what will happen to her in the course of the fanfic?
Love Interest(s): By far the most important feature of any Sue fanfic!
Other Defining Characteristics: What else makes this Sue a Sue?
Overview: These are the Sues that will be covered in the class-
-Foreign!Sue (Including the ever popular American!Sue)
-Daughter!Sue (Including VoldemortsDaughter!Sue, SnapesDaughter!Sue, SiriussDaughter!Sue, and RemussDaughter!Sue. Now updated to include DumbledoresGranddaughter!Sue)
-Adult!Sue (Including NewOrderMember!Sue and NewTeacher!Sue)
-Marauder!Sue (Including special section on Lily!Sue)
-Muggle!Sue (Including OopsIFellThroughAPortalInSpaceAndEndedUpAtHogwarts!Sue and WantedByVoldemort!Sue)
-Canon!Sue (Including Hermione!Sue, Ginny!Sue, and MinorCharacter!Sue)
-Rebel!Sue (Including Goth!Sue, Punk!Sue, Slut!Sue and Troublemaker!Sue)
That's all for today, in our next class, we'll begin an in-depth examination of LongLostTwin!Sue.
1 Possible exceptions are Goth!Sue and Punk!Sue