-Zoro and the Incident of the Mary Sue-
A Mary Sue parody by Digitaldreamer
Okay..so…um…yeah…this is a parody of all the original character fanfics that have been popping up. Many have very perfect original characters, and many tend to fall in love with Zoro. In these fics, Zoro suddenly acts OOC and finds them gorgeous at first sight. It's horribly annoying, these original characters are known as Mary Sues and they're popping up everywhere. So in response, I have crafted a parody. Um…hopefully it's okay…
Right, let's go. ---
Right, let's go.
It had started out so simply. Just a quick stop at an island to gather supplies, nothing more. Of course, to Zoro this was just a chance to locate the nearest pub and get drunk, and that was all it was supposed to be. So when he had stepped off the Going Merry moments after Luffy Gomu Gomu no Rocket-ed himself to God-knows-where, the swordsman hadn't really been expecting anything out of the ordinary.
He just wanted a drink. Was that really so much to ask?
Unfortunately for him, fate had other plans. Or rather, a thirteen year old fangirl who thought she could write had other plans.
Our favorite swordsman was just walking along the cobblestone streets, searching for the nearest pub so he could drink himself senseless. Maybe if he got drunk enough he'd have an excuse to hunt down Luffy and coax the boy into having sex with him. Then Zoro could blame the whole thing on his being drunk and not on the fact that he was gay. Because Roronoa Zoro was definitely not gay. Really.
As Zoro continued to try to convince himself of his sexuality, he happened to hear a soft, frail voice above the drone of the crowd. It was an angelic sort of voice, like bells chiming sweetly, and although it was a quiet voice, Zoro somehow managed to hear it over all the mindless chatter.
"And so she lay there, helpless, alone, and forgotten. No one cared for this little run away, they just ignored her beaten, helpless form on the streets. The occasional passer-by would even stop to- NO DON'T HELP ME! YOU'RE CONTRIDCTING MY STORY! IGNORE ME AND HELP MY ANGST-FACTOR!"
Zoro blinked in confusion as he took in the sight of a young woman curled up in the middle of the road. She seemed to be spinning off this narrative, and whenever anyone paused to ask if she was alright or try and help, she would scream at them and shove them away.
"Ahem, anyway. The occasional passer-by would even stop to kick her and laugh cruelly." The woman suddenly moved right in front of a tall, rather kindly man, causing the man to kick her in the gut by accident. Of course, the moment the man bent down to ask if she was alright she shooed him away, then proceeded to curl up into a ball and let out a whimper of agony.
"No one cared for her, this broken little angel. No one cared, and she despaired."
The swordsman stared at her for a moment, then shrugged and walked right past her. Crazy psychos.
The woman suddenly let out a shriek as he began to walk off into the distance and got up from her spot on the road. She rushed over to Zoro, jumping at the last second and tackling him around the waist.
By some miracle Zoro managed to stay on his feet even with the woman's insanely thin body slamming into him. After recovering from shock he stared blankly down at her for a few seconds before speaking.
"What the hell?"
The woman stayed there with her face pressed against Zoro's chest for a few moments, allowing him to get a good look at her hair. It was long and blonde, like waves of shimmering gold cascading over her shoulders and back and finally ending at her waist. There were also natural cerulean highlights in her hair, like azure ribbons dancing in the wind. She was rather thin, with curves in all the right places…the body of a Goddess.
Zoro scowled, trying to shake the woman off of him. "Oi! Lady, let go!"
The woman glanced up at him with tear-filled eyes, like shimmering pools of sapphire with the faintest flecks of silver, magenta, and violet mixed in. Her face was somehow both fair and tan, with a slight blush upon her face. It didn't make her look funny like blushes usually did; instead it somehow made her even more beautiful.
The swordsman flinched at the sight. Dear Lord, not another one!
"Lady, let go of me!" Zoro growled, still trying to shake the woman off.
The woman's brows furrowed in confusion for a moment. "W-why aren't you dumbstruck by my amazing beauty?"
Zoro just glared at her. "I think you've got the wrong guy. If you want that kind of reaction, you might want to try the Love Cook. Now let go of me," he repeated.
"And…you aren't concerned? Why do my tears not cause you to immediately ask for the cause of my anguish?" The blonde's frown faded to become a vulnerable, injured look. "Clearly you haven't seen that I am HORRIBLY WOUNDED!" After declaring this she stood up, releasing Zoro's waist, and then promptly made as if to collapse into his arms. Zoro side-stepped, and she fell to the ground in a heap.
The swordsman stared down at her crumpled form a few seconds. He then shrugged, turned, and began to walk away again.
"WAIT!" the woman shrieked, getting onto her knees and flinging herself just far enough to grab onto Zoro's ankle.
"Would you let go?" Zoro growled, trying to kick her off.
"But you're supposed to realize I'm horribly wounded and ask if I'm alright!" she cried.
Zoro's brow furrowed. "But you're not horribly wounded," he pointed out.
The blonde stared up at him with wide eyes before flinging herself back again, revealing a large spot of crimson across her stomach. "Yes I am! Look, I have a horrible, gaping wound in my side, there's blood gushing from it and everything!"
"…Lady, that's ketchup. And it's on your stomach, not your side."
"SILENCE! Not only that, but my arm is…um…damaged…SEE!" She made her arm flop uselessly on the ground.
Zoro was starting to think the only thing about this woman that was "damaged" was her brain.
"Uh huh. Okay, that's nice. I'm going to go get a drink now. Maybe if I drink enough, I can forget this entire thing," he said before beginning to walk away.
"NO, DON'T LEAVE ME ZORO-KUN!" The woman shrieked.
Zoro paused. ZORO-KUN?
People were starting to stare at this odd spectacle. Finally, someone spoke up.
"Hey, asshole! She obviously wants you to help her, just take her to a bench or something! Just get her out of the goddamn street so she'll stop bugging everyone!" a man in the crowd shouted. The rest of the crowd soon followed suit.
Zoro's eye twitched. "FINE!" he snapped, walking back and roughly picking the woman up.
What, did she really expect special treatment?
He stalked over to a bench and roughly set her down. "There," the swordsman growled.
"Oh, thank you Zoro-kun!" the woman cooed, immediately trying to give him a hug, life-threatening wounds apparently forgotten. She puckered her lips as if to kiss him.
Zoro immediately shoved her away. "What the hell, woman?"
Her eyes immediately became teary. "W-why are you rejecting me?"
"Because you're trying to kiss me when I was just forced to meet you five minutes ago," the swordsman growled, beginning to walk away.
"B-but….y-you're supposed to LOVE ME, Zoro-kun!"
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Zoro snapped.
Orbs of sapphire shimmered and she clasped her hands together beneath her chin. "Y-you mean you don't remember me?"
"Um…no. I've never seen you before in my life." And I'm really, really glad for that, he mentally added.
"Oh no! They must have erased your memories! That's why you don't remember me! Oh, curse that Demon God of the Underworld!" she shrieked, glaring hatefully at the ground.
Zoro carefully tried to inch away while the lady was occupied with her little staring contest with the ground.
The woman reached out a grabbed his arm to keep him from running. "You see, my name is Sakura Tenshi."
Zoro stared blankly at her.
Sakura scowled. "Sakura Tenshi! You know, as in Japanese for Cherry Blossom Angel?"
Zoro made a face.
"They call me that because I'm as soft and delicate as a cherry blossom, and beautiful like an angel!" Her long, golden hair blew in the wind as she spoke, eyes shimmering in the afternoon sun as a few cherry blossoms blew by dramatically in the background.
"But…I hate my name…because it reminds that I'm beautiful…which reminds me of my horrible, tragic past," she whispered softly, reaching up to clutch at the shimmering crystal necklace hanging from her neck.
Zoro stared at her for awhile before finally speaking. "Why are you telling me this? I don't care."
Sakura stared at him with wide eyes before suddenly yelling and gripping her head. "Oh no! That triggers one of my angsty memories!" she gasped, collapsing onto the ground and writhing.
The swordsman watched her for a few moments. "…Okay then. Look, I'm going to the nearest pub to get smashed. You have fun writhing in the middle of the street." With that, he began to walk away.
"STOP RIGHT THERE, RORONOA ZORO!" a voice suddenly cried from the heavens.
Zoro paused, glancing around. "What the?"
A young girl around the age of thirteen suddenly materialized before him. She was anorexic-ly thin, with short, greasy blonde hair. She was extremely pale and she had a few zits on her face. She also had rather large glasses, which kept slipping down her nose. She was clad in a tight t-shirt with the words "Anime iz GOD" on the front, and a pair of dirty jeans.
"Zoro! You're supposed to be falling in love with Sakura!" she yelled, shaking her tiny fist at Zoro.
Zoro glanced down at her. "Um…who are you?"
The girl grinned. "Me? I'm the author! You should feel honored; you get to be my super amazing original character's love interest! You get to be almost as great as her and get to be written in MY amazing story! Isn't my story amazing? I'm such a great writer!"
Zoro sighed, rubbing his temples. "Must you talk in bold text? You're giving me a headache."
"SILENCE!" the author roared.
The swordsman glared at her, folding his arms. "Look kid. To put it plainly, I don't want to be in your story. From the looks of things, your writing isn't very good."
"SILENCE!" the author shrieked, jumping up and down like a child throwing a temper tantrum. "YOU'RE IN MY STORY, SO YOU'LL DO AS I SAY AND LIKE IT!"
Zoro blinked, attempting to get his hair back to its short green spiky glory after the wind from the author's shrieking blew it back. "Uh huh. Yeah, whatever. You're both crazy." With that, he turned around and began to walk away again.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" the author yelled, a keyboard appearing out of nowhere. She began to type on it. "Zoro's eyes became a look of concern, and he turned back to Sakura, kneeling down next to her. 'She's so beautiful! Such a beautiful girl doesn't deserve to be in such pain!' he thought. He took her into his arms. 'Hey, are you alright?' he asked in that deep, rich voice of his."
Zoro made a face. "Like I would ever do tha-" He was cut off as his body suddenly turned around on it's own and began walking over to Sakura. It then kneeled, by itself, next to the girl.
No no no, this is not happ- She's so beautiful! Such a beautiful girl doesn't deserve to be in such pain! What the hell? I did not just think that! Zoro's thoughts swarmed in his head as his mouth opened on it's own. "Hey, are you alright?"
Sakura's eyes fluttered open. "Y-yes…I'm alright now, thanks to you Zoro-kun," she said softly, sitting up.
Zoro scowled. "Why the hell do you keep calling me Zoro-kun?" he demanded. He finally regained control of his body and dropped her on the ground, wiping his hands on his pants as if she carried some kind of disease.
"Oh Zoro-kun, do you not remember?" Sakura asked, her eyes fluttering.
Zoro looked a bit sick from the random eyelash fluttering, so he attempted to stand and run once more.
"Oh no you don't!" The author hisses, beginning to type again. "He gazed deeply into her crystalline eyes, getting lost in their sapphire depths as he spoke. 'No…I've never seen you before in my life…though I'm glad to have met you now.'"
Zoro shook his head, trying to get away, but once again his body acted on it's own and he found himself staring at her eyes as his mouth spoke on it's own. "No, I've never seen you before in my life…though I'm glad to have met you now." His face scrunched up the moment the words left his lips. He did NOT just say that.
"Oh Zoro-kun…even now you sense how our souls are entwined! You see…once, a thousand years ago, I was the Goddess of the Moon!" Sakura murmured, gazing up at the sky. "I had everything; I was more powerful than all of the other Gods combined, yet I kindly acted differently so as not to make them feel inferior. I was the daughter of the King of the Gods, the sun, and father loved me so. But my wonderful life came to an end the day I met you…one thousand years ago, you were a handsome peasant. I met you on a small trip to the mortal world, and I immediately fell in love, and you loved me at first sight as I was a Goddess!" She smiled, pressing her hand to her heart as she reminisced.
Zoro, meanwhile, was attempting to crawl away, but a glare from the author paralyzed him.
"But alas, the Gods were not so agreeable of our love! For you see, love between a Goddess and a mortal is forbidden! They banished me to Earth, but I didn't mind, for at long last I could be with you! We lived happily for many years, but then one day the Demon God of the Underworld came for me! He lusted for me, and wanted me all to himself! You bravely fought him off my dear, but in the end you were killed! I wept for many days, and on the last the God of the Underworld returned! He wished to marry me, for if he did he would be able to rule over the entire world! I denied him, and so as punishment he sent forth an ANGEL DEMON to possess me!"
Zoro made a face. "An….angel demon? What the hell?" he repeated, but went unheard.
"The demon possessed me and made me immortal, and so I was forced to travel from island to island for a thousand years, trying to keep the demon in control! Everyone hated me, because of the demon inside of me! Oh, it was horrible! And then…one day I heard of the Pirate Hunter, Roronoa Zoro, and I just knew it was you! I've been searched for you for the longest time, and at long last I finally found you, my love!" Sakura whispered, and she leaned over to kiss Zoro on the lips.
Zoro attempted to move back and avoid the kiss, but once again the author intervened.
"Zoro gazed down into her beautiful eyes, and then the memories of his previous life all came flooding back! He realized that he loved the girl before him, and he felt so horrible that she had suffered so. He reached down and caressed her cheek lovingly, leaning down so their faces were inches apart. 'I'm glad I've been found…my love.' He murmured, finally closing the distance between them and pressing his lips against hers." the author said aloud as she typed.
The swordsman's eyes widened. "NO!" he cried, but he found himself holding Sakura close anyway, slowly leaning down to kiss her. "I'm glad I've been found…my love," he murmured, closing the distance between them and kissing her.
He almost gagged upon contact, in spite of her gorgeous appearance her lips were horribly chapped and rough, and the moment their lips touched she started feeling him everywhere and forced her tongue into his mouth. SOMEONE was a bit eager…
They finally pulled away after a few minutes and Zoro immediately began to gag, clutching at his throat and gasping.
He knew it sounded kind of wrong for him to be feeling this way…but he felt quite violated.
"What the hell was that?" he finally managed, turning around to glare at Sakura.
Sakura blinked innocently back at him. "Our first kiss in a thousand years, my love."
The author sighed. "Wasn't it so romantic?" she cooed.
Zoro made a face and he stood. "No, it was disgusting. I'm leaving, now," he growled, beginning to stalk away.
The author's eyes narrowed. "Oh no you don't!" she hissed, beginning to type away. "He stared at her, eyes wide. 'I'm…not quite sure I believe you. I…think I may love you, but this whole thing is a bit farfetched.'"
The swordsman's teeth clenched as his body stopped walking on it's own, turning around to face Sakura again. "No…I won't…" he ground out, trying to fight off the author's control. However, no matter how he fought, the sentence came out anyway. "I'm…not quite sure I believe you. I…think I may love you, but this whole thing is a bit farfetched."
Sakura smiled. "I'm glad you said that, Zoro-kun! Here, perhaps your memory will come back if we spar!"
Zoro's brow furrowed. "Spar?" he repeated.
"Yes! You see, back when we were lovers, we often sparred as we were both amazing warriors." Sakura smiled.
Zoro frowned, hand going to his swords. "So…you want to spar with me?"
The author smirked. "You have to. It's an opportunity to show how amazing my character is at fighting."
Zoro thought about this for a moment, then grinned. "Okay. How about this? If I win, you stop controlling me and let me go."
The author rose a brow at this. "You sure you want to do that?"
The author grinned. "Fine. But if Sakura wins, you'll have to abide by my laws forever."
The swordsman smirked, pulling his bandanna from his arm and tying it onto his head. "Fair enough. I won't lose."
Sakura smiled, pulling a black bandanna similar to Zoro's from her right arm and tying it onto her head. "We'll see, Zoro-kun!" She said with a grin, pulling two katana out of their sheaths. She then took out a third one, placing it in her mouth.
Zoro stared blankly at her. "What the hell? That's my fighting style!"
"Not true! I taught it to you in your former life!" Sakura said, grinning around the hilt of the katana.
Zoro scowled, pulling out his own swords wordlessly. "Lair, you copied my fighting style. The original is always better."
Sakura just smirked.
They both charged at each other, Sakura swinging a sword at Zoro's chest. Zoro blocked easily with his left katana, then ducked under her second swing and slammed the back of other katana into her knees, knocking her down.
Sakura let out a cry of pain as she fell to the ground, dropping all three of her katana. "W-what? How? I'm supposed to be stronger than you!"
Zoro snorted. "Looks like you're just a poser, and I'm free to go," he declared, beginning to walk away.
The author was so angry that there were flames rising behind her. "NO FAIR!" She roared. She began to clack away on her keyboard once more. "However, once Zoro knocked Sakura down, she held out her hands and used her Devil Fruit power! He devil fruit is more powerful than all the other ones combined, and with it she is psychic and can control all the elements!"
Zoro blinked. "What the hell? That's not a devil fruit! And she didn't even have a devil fruit power before now!" he cried as he began to glow a soft blue and rose into the air.
Sakura waved her hand and Zoro crashed into the ground, his swords flying out his hands.
"See, I win Zoro-kun! Now do you remember?" she cooed, walking over to him.
Zoro scowled, getting up and grabbing his swords. "I don't remember you because I don't know you, and you don't win!" he snarled.
Sakura giggled. "Then try again, Zoro-kun!"
"Hey Zoro!" a voice suddenly called. Zoro, Sakura, and the author all stopped to look for the source of the voice.
There sat Luffy on the bench, munching on a piece of meat. "Heh, you're fighting someone again? Can I watch?" he chirped, grinning.
Zoro felt relief tugging on his features, just to know there was someone here with him in this mess that wasn't completely insane (though with Luffy that fact was arguable).
The author's eyes narrowed. "You!" she scowled. She had absolutely no use for the childish, innocent, cute, good-natured, not constantly serious main character of the series! "You're not bishie enough, and you're ruining my story! Sakura is going to be the Captain of the Straw Hats now, not you! So be gone, you no longer exist!" she screamed, beginning to type. "And then Monkey D. Luffy disappeared, to be replaced by the beautiful, gorgeous Sakura Tenshi! He was never seen again, and no one cared because they loved Sakura more!" she cackled as she typed.
Luffy blinked in confusion as he slowly began to fade away, the bench becoming visible through him. He yelped in surprise, staring down at the ground through his transparent arm. "What the…I'm see-through!" he cried, eyes wide.
Zoro's eyes widened and he rushed over to the boy, grabbing him. "No! Stop it!" he cried, glaring at the author.
The author smirked. "It's my story. What I say goes."
Zoro ignored her, shaking Luffy. "Come on Luffy be strong…don't disappear!" he hissed.
Luffy stared up at Zoro, confused. "I'm not gonna disappear, silly! I'm gonna be Pirate King, remember? So I can't just disappear," he said with a grin, though his voice was getting fainter as he began to vanish away.
Sakura walked over to Zoro, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright Zoro-kun. You don't need him anymore. You have me now, and I'm far more perfect!"
Zoro turned to glare at her. "Well maybe I don't want perfect," he snapped, moving away from her touch and beginning to walk away, the slowly fading Luffy still in his arms.
"Get back here!" the author shrieked, preparing to type again.
Zoro stopped, a thought striking him. The author wanted him to fall in love with Sakura…so what if he fell in love with someone else?
He turned around, smirking at her. "I should have done this from the beginning," he said, holding Luffy close.
The author and Sakura both stared at him, then grinned. "So you're finally willing to admit your love?"
Zoro's smirk became a grin. "Sure," he said.
With that, he lowered his head and kissed Luffy on the lips.
Both the author and Sakura shrieked, writhing as if they were in pain as dark flames began to consume them. "NOOOO! STOP! THE SLASH, IT BURNS! NO-" Their shrieks were cut off as they both suddenly vanished, never to be seen again.
Zoro looked at the spot where they had been, then shrugged and set Luffy down on the ground as he began to become fully visible again. "I guess well-written slash always beats horrible Mary Sue fics every time," he said, then made a face.
What on earth had possessed him to say that? It was almost as if some fangirl in another universe had forced those words into his mouth and had been typing out what he had been doing this entire time…
Pffffffft, like that could happen.
He focused again on Luffy, whom was now fully visible again and looked a bit woozy. "Whoa…what the…" he mumbled, eyes fluttering shut as he collapsed.
This time, Zoro didn't move.
Remember, the Mary Sue is a horrible plague that seems to attack every fandom. You can help prevent it. If you or a friend starts a fanfic with an original character, and that original character has any of the following symptoms:
- Is related to a canon character
- Is related to a canon character
-Falls in love with a canon character
-Makes the canon character not act as they normally would (I.E. Making Zoro act like a lovesick fool)
-Has a horrible, tragic past
-HAS WINGS ((If this is the case, get rid of it now, it might be contagious.))
-IS A GODDESS OR SOME OTHER FORM OF MYTHICAL THING ((KILL IT NOW!))
-USES SANTOURYUU OR COPIES A DIFFERENT CANON CHARACTERS FIGHTING STYLE
-CAN DEFEAT A CANON CHARACTER IN COMBAT EASILY
-Has all the canon characters admiring her and/or crushing on her
-Has all the canon characters admiring her and/or crushing on her
-Angsts and has her love interest to help her
-Is wanted by some awful jerk, but resists
-Has an insanely powerful devil fruit power, I.E. she's psychic or can control ALL of the elements
-Is possessed by a demon or can do magic
-Her appearance I.E. her hair color, eyes, clothes, are described in mass detail and she's described as "Thin, and curvy in all the right places".
If your OC or a friends OC shows any of these symptoms, STOP WRITING and try to fix this immediately. If you see a fic with such symptoms, try and help the author see what's wrong.
Remember: FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WRITE MARY SUES
and: ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT MARY SUES!