Just Another Love Song
Beat 1: For Good
This is so stupid.
I'm standing here outside my lover's apartment at seven at night having once again been thrown out. This time, however, I didn't do a damn thing. This time all I did was come home a little later than usual. That's all it took apparently. For months now Yuki's been like this. Kicking me out, ignoring me, and yelling at me over the slightest little things. I know a lot of it has to do with the latest book he's been working on. Writer's block seems to have slammed him upside the head pretty much everyday. And I guess I get to take the brunt of his aggravation and anger over it.
After three years of being together you'd think I'd be use to this kind of treatment. But every time it happens it still hurts. Well, it use to anyway. For the last six months or so it hasn't really affected me as it use to. I thought it was strange the first time I was thrown out and I didn't cry at all. As a matter of fact I was almost happy about it. Sometimes being around Yuki is like being around a PMSing woman who's craving chocolate - that no one will let her have. Not pretty. That was when I got the apartment. After six months I pretty much call it home. Hell, I almost live there more than I do here at Yuki's. I have everything I could ever possibly need there, including a whole other wardrobe and computer. It wasn't easy, at first, to keep the existence of my own place a secret from everyone. Especially Hiro. When I finally got it completely furnished and decorated all I wanted to do was invite a bunch of people over to celebrate.
But I realized I needed a sanctuary from it all, from everyone. Everyone needs there own place to go, right? And the only places I had before anyone could find me at. It was either the park where Yuki and I first met or Hiro's house. Of course I don't go to Hiro's anymore. Not since he and Ayaka got married. I figured it would be a little awkward to show up at your best friend's house in the middle of the night, possibly interrupting 'quality time' between the two just because your bastard boyfriend kicked you out again. I know it's not a coincidence that I got my apartment right after Hiro and Ayaka got married. It took a long time to realize I was using my best friend as a distraction. I'd go over, sobbing and practically hysterical, crying on his shoulder until I couldn't anymore. He'd tell me what a bastard Yuki was and eventually he'd do or say something to take my mind off everything and that would be it. The next day, I'd go back.
Nothing would get solved at all.
When I'm at my own place, with no one else around, I can sit back and actually think over the problem. See if I was at fault or if it was just Yuki being Yuki. Nine times out of ten, I discovered, it was both of us. I was way too clingy and he was…well, he was a cold-hearted bastard. I tried everything to make this work between us. I tried calming down - not screaming and talking all the time and actually acting like a 'normal' person. All that got me was a trip to the doctor's office because Yuki thought I was horribly sick. At least it showed he somewhat cared. I tried being less demanding and less talkative. That also resulted in a trip to the doctor's office. It seemed anything that involved me being quieter resulted in a trip to the doctor.
Finally I gave up on trying to change and instead took a good, long look at myself. I never realized until I tried to be a quiet 'normal' person, just how hyper and loud I actually was. So, during those nights at my own place, I started questioning why I was that way. Why I was so damn emotional over everything. The psychology books I bought on the subject seemed to suggest that I was 'seeking attention in order to validate my own existence.' Made sense in a way. Especially living with someone who completely ignores you all the time. This would, according to the books, only make the 'behavior problem' worse.
And I noticed while I was alone on those nights that I didn't feel like jumping around and acting idiotic like usual. I just felt like relaxing and reading, maybe watching some television or something. Maybe being on my own was helping to reveal my real self. After all, I'd always lived with someone else before. I always had an audience, so to speak. Perhaps my need to perform has always been in my blood. Maybe if I used that energy and feeling on stage and in my lyrics, Bad Luck would be even bigger.
That's what I decided and that's what I did. And good God the difference it made was incredible. I focused all that 'need' into my music and Bad Luck skyrocketed off the charts in a matter of weeks, pushing us far beyond anyone's expectations and accomplishing one of my personal goals: to be bigger than Nittle Grasper.
I shake my head slightly to clear away the thoughts. Standing here isn't getting me home any faster and Yuki's bound to come out soon to go on a cigarette and beer run. I pick up my shoes and slip them on, happy that he at least remembered to toss them out with me this time, even if they did hit me on the head.
As I start walking home I can't help but stray back to my earlier thought.
After three years of being together you'd think I'd be use to this kind of treatment.
I laugh softly aloud at my own stupidity. Use to this kind of treatment? Shouldn't things have changed by now? It's almost like I've been watching the whole world evolve around me while Yuki and I stand still: unmoving, unchanging, and uncaring. Well damn it all to hell I'm not going to sit still anymore! I may not be as hyper or idiotic as I once was, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be like Yuki and watch the world pass me by while I spew out the same recycled garbage to it.
It's a thirty-minute walk to my place and I stop to pick up a few groceries along the way. No body realizes just how much I've grown up in the last few years. I even learned to cook, though I did have to pay for the damages I did to my kitchen myself. That did kind of motivate me to be more careful and actually pay attention to what I'm doing. It's Friday night so I don't have to worry about getting to work until Monday. My apartment's actually closer to NG studios than Yuki's is. So I doubt I'll have any problems getting to work on time, even if I do wake up late. Lucky I had my cell phone in my pocket when Yuki kicked me out. Though I will need to change the number soon.
I slip the key in the lock and toe my shoes off after opening the door. I shut the door and lock it behind me, flip on the hall light, and make my way into the kitchen. It's not a big apartment or anything, but it's secure and clean. I've decorated the walls with a mix of Nittle Grasper and Bad Luck posters and few nice pieces of actual artwork that I like. It's a bit chaotic in a design sense, but that's me deep down. I find myself humming as I put everything away, having already decided to order a pizza instead of cooking tonight.
This is, after all, the first real night of staying in my apartment.