The Vows Begin
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Now, for many, these simple words illicit fear and confusion. They symbolize to some the surrendering of one life for another.
Of course, to Shinji Ikari, pilot of Unit 01, these words came with a strong sense of foreboding.
One hour ago...
"Okay, class. We will start a new project today. You each will be paired up with a student of opposite gender, and work out as a couple."
"WHAT?" screamed out Asuka.
"Ms. Langley, you will be quiet or I will leave you for last in the selection process." He watched as she sat down, but heard her grumbling about perverted teachers. "Now, you will be defining the relationship, planning budgets, and so forth. The goal is for you to understand such things so to be better prepared for when you really do get married."
He lifted two hats from behind his desk: one blue and one pink. "Now, the names of the boys are in the pink hat, and the names of the girls are in the blue hat."
Asuka decided to yell out again. "That is the stupidest idea yet. Everyone knows the boys' names goes into the blue hat and—"
"Ms. Langley, one more interruption from you, and I will assign you a thirty page paper on the differences between Gundam series from Pre-Second Impact as compared to Post Second Impact."
Kensuke adjusted his glasses. "Those were the best two weeks I ever spent in this class."
"Anyway, I will draw your names out of this hat, and that will be how you match up with your marriage partner. Any questions?"
Touji raised his hand. "Don't we get some say in who our partner is? I really don't want to end up with the red devil."
"Asuka, I want that paper in three days."
Said redhead groaned and gave Touji a look that promised untold pain.
"Now, if everyone can keep quiet, we can begin."
So, the names began to dwindle as couples were made. The three stooges each began to grow fearful as Asuka's name had yet to be called, which increased their chances.
Shinji was praying to whatever deity was listening that they would take extreme and infinite pity on him for his life and having Gendo as his father, even bind him to forever pilot Unit 01, anything...just don't stick him with Asuka.
"Horaki and Suzuhara."
"THANK YOU, GOD!" screamed Touji. He jumped from his desk, grabbing Hikari, spinning her around. "THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"
Hikari Horaki, the class representative and secret crush on Touji, passed out from hearing those words, choosing to believe he was happy about her, and not that he had avoided Asuka.
"Langley and Aida."
"That's it, I'm jumping!" screamed Kensuke, leaping for the open window, only to be tackled by Shinji and Touji.
Touji held him by his shirt collar. "How dare you try and make your new wife a widow!"
"Let him jump," mumbled Asuka. "See if I care."
"Ms. Langley, death of your spouse will result in a failed grade."
"WHY MUST I BE PUNISHED BECAUSE THE STOOGE CAN'T ACCEPT HE'S A FAILURE?"
"Shinji, for the love of all that is holy in all religions, please save me: switch partners with me!"
The class was surprised with Shinji's remark. "FUCK THAT!"
Kensuke began to cry at the hopelessness of the situation. He had just been stuck, married...to evil incarnate.
Shinji was smiling and considering doing a small dance of joy. After years of suffering, or humiliations, of the pain of being him, something was going right for him...
"Ayanami and Ikari."
Things were going right for him...right down the toilet.
Somewhere, Gendo Ikari felt the sudden need to make his son miserable both grow and diminish, resigning to take the confusion out on the nameless tech who was about to fall into the EVA's LCL bath.
"HE CAN'T BE PARTNERED WITH THE DOLL! I FORBID IT! I WILL BE HIS PARTNER!"
"I agree with her," stated Kensuke meekly.
"Tough, the decision is final. And Ms. Langley, I want another ten page paper on the differences between American cartoons along the same vein as the Gundam paper, thanks to your outburst."
The class immediately became quiet as Rei stood up from her desk, walking over to Shinji, who was currently contemplating racing Kensuke out the window. As she stood before him, Shinji almost wanted to start praying again, but dismissed it, as whatever God did this to him would most likely still be listening.
"Um, yes...Rei?" He was unused to hearing her call him by his first name, or anyone by such. This will be bad.
"I will endeavor to be a good wife to you...Anata." She gave him a small smile, before the bell rang, dismissing the class for the day. She turned and left, the only one, as the rest of the class were too stunned at what had just occurred to move, fearful that the world had ended.
Shinji merely sunk to his knees, his face as if he had just seen all hope die. "I'm...a...dead...man."
"Well, if not by the devil, then by Misato." Touji just smiled. He had avoided Rei and Asuka. Wrapping his arm around Hikari, he escorted her outside. Only Shinji, Asuka, and Kensuke had clean-up duty today, and he'd be damned if he was around to witness them tear each other apart.
Hikari just smiled, enjoying her dream come to life.
Shinji was walking home with Asuka, listening to her still gripe about the unfairness of all three assignments she had to do. It was the main reason they had to spend an extra half hour cleaning the classroom. She had run the full gambit from how it was unfair for her to be stuck with someone below her status, to how he deserved to be married to "the doll", neglecting to mention that she had actually volunteered to be his wife. Well, at least Rei won't hit me, or force me to do all the housework while complaining I am not efficient enough.
The more Shinji thought of it, the more he realized he did have it pretty good. True, he would have preferred if he hadn't been paired up with an EVA pilot, but as far as his two choices, he did get the better of the two. It wasn't as if Rei was outright abusive. True, she was quiet and hard to read.
But she was not Asuka. Okay, God, I forgive you for the moment.
That moment was shorter than he thought.
He had just opened the door to the apartment, when he and Asuka saw...it.
Misato was standing there, arms crossed and with a scowl on her face. It was even more obvious how much trouble he was in when Penpen stood beside her, holding a lit cigarette and a blindfold.
Seeing that they weren't focused on her, she looked over at her hot spring penguin, and quickly grabbed the cigarette from his flipper. "I didn't tell you to light it!"
Shinji tried to back out of the apartment, but found his body being pushed forward by Asuka, no doubt enjoying the sight of the Third Child about to be reamed.
"Shinji," Misato said, "has anything...interesting...happened today that I should know about?"
"I...I-I-I don't know what you mean, Misato."
She was about to drop him a hint when the answer came out of the hallway. "Anata, you are home."
The two pilots turned to see Rei wearing a formal kimono. Shinji then began by taking back the forgiveness he gave God earlier on, and promised him payback for the pain he was about to partake.
Rei ignored the scowl from Asuka, as well as the angry look from Misato as she walked to Shinji, and linked his arm with hers. "I need to show you the bedroom, to ensure I have arranged it to fit our needs."
He walked on auto-pilot, knowing that if he looked back, Asuka would most likely be using a look that would kill him.
Omake by Shinji:
Kensuke: "Geronimooooo!..." thud
Teacher: "Asuka, you're going to have to nurse your newly disabled husband to health and take care of the children."
Asuka: "Hey! Why am I getting punished? HE'S the one who jumped!"
Teacher: "Because marriage is about sharing the good AND the bad."
Asuka: walks over to the teacher's desk and starts pushing it out the window. "Well, we'll just have to make sure it's a worth while endeavor, won't we?"
Kensuke: looks up huh? WHAM! hand trying to claw out from under the teacher desk
Omake by Burnout9908:
Gendo Ikari sneezed, he felt that something...interesting...was about to happen with his son.
Gendo: Well, what kind of mess have you gotten yourself
into this time third?
He then sighed and then walked over to his bookshelf on which he pressed a button.
He pulled out a small torn book. It read "Shake ya bom bom and let your mate enjoy it too."
Gendo: He may need this soon because... MY SON IS
does the grandchildren dance
Omake #2 by Shinji:
did anything... interesting happen at school today?"
Shinji: sweating "uhhhh... no?"
Misato: "Are you sure? Because Rei gave me a call, and told me to stay away from her husband, imagine my surprize when she said it was you. Have you been cheating on me young man!" grips his crotch squeezing hard
Shinji: high squeeky voice "No ma'am."
Asuka: Staring at the scene with jelousy "Is everyone but me fucking an Ikari!"
Kensuke: "uhhhh... i'm not... dear."
Asuka: Breaks down into sobbign and runs into her room crying
Kensuke: looks at the other ocupants of the apartment. "Pregnacy hormones."
Everyone but him and Asuka: thinks "Is THAT why she's always been bitchy?"
Omake by Innortal:
"HE CAN'T BE PARTNERED WITH THE DOLL! I FORBID IT! I WILL BE HIS PARTNER!"
"I agree with her," stated Kensuke meekly.
"The position of mistresses for Shinji-kun have been filled." Everyone turned to Rei as she pulled out a phone and dialed a number. "You may enter."
The doors to the classroom swung open. The student population was stunned as several Rei clones entered, flanking Shinji on every side, before lifting him up, and walking out with him.
The original Rei gathered his stuff and left as well, but said one last thing. "According to Captain Katsuragi, males prefer multiple partners, and have a twin fetish. I intend to make certain my husband does not cheat."
Omake #1 by Lord Raa
As the neames were being drawn out of the hats, Asuka cast a fwe glances around the classroom.
"Sohryu," the teacher called out, "you will be paired with Pen-pen."
Asuka breathed a sigh of relief. "That was a close one, I thought that I'd be stuck with one of the stooges."
Kensuke and Touji looked around at their classmates when they heard the groans of disappointment.
"Yo, Shinji!" Touji called out to his friend. "Why're they all sorry they didn't get paired with that penguin?"
"They must have heard about his "French Flipper Trick"," Shinji shrugged. "Why do think that Misato keeps him around, despite the fact that he drinks her beer and makes the apartment messy?"
Omake #2 by Lord Raa
The morning after the first night of the school project, Shinji gingerly sat down in his desk.
"Are you alright, Ikari-kun?" asked Hikari.
"I will be," Shinji said with a forced smile.
"Shinji-kun," Rei said as she silently walked up to the pair. "I do not wish to have to discipline you again this evening. Please refrain from flirting with other women."
"I wasn't flirting with Horaki-inchou!" Shinji protested.
"But you were with Dr. Akagi and Captain Katsuragi last night," Rei explained. "Or how else would you describe being caught in a semi undressed state in Captain Katsuragi's bedroom with two women?"
"That's not fair! You pimped me out to them last night for 20,000 yen!"
"I was only following the advice of the Tendo family," Rei said, waving her finger. "Now stop being such a baka-hentai!"
Omake #1 by Hawk:
"Are you sure that you know what you're doing and don't want any help, Ayanami?" Shinji asked nervously, swallowing several times and wiping sweat off his forehead as he observed her.
"Fear not, dear. I have had a tutor." Rei replied unconcernedly as she continued with what she was doing. "And no, I do not desire assistance. This is the duty of a wife."
"You have?" Shinji responded after a few moments of trying to imagine just who... Or what... Might have tutored Rei.
"Yes. Major Katsuragi was most helpful. I was also informed by The Second Child that the character Tendo Akane in the books on the table had a suitable cooking style for me to adopt." Rei answered, nodding at the pile of Ranma ½ mangas on the kitchen table.
"Ah. That would explain it." Shinji said as the fumes from the charcoal-colored... Creation... Set off the smoke alarm in the appartment.
Omake #2 by Hawk:
"Ack! Ayanami! What are you doing here!" Shinji screamed as his sleep-addled mind registered that he was actually awake and that this just wasn't a repetition of last Friday's wet dream. "And let go of that!" he added, slapping a pair of exploring pale hands from one of his more private bits. "Where's my underwear?" he finished suspiciously, putting one of his pillows in his lap.
"I have just returned from the library, where I have read up on the psychology of lasting relationships. One of the pre-second-impact publications I studied claimed that boring, or the complete lack of, sex was one of the most common causes for failed relationships and proceeded to offer up several most helpful pointers in how to remedy the problem. I was merely utilizing one of them." Rei calmly replied, seemingly uncaring about her own naked state. "Now, would you kindly remove the pillow so I can proceed?"
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