A/N: I apologize this took so long but I was busy graduating college. As you may imagine, I was rather…psychotic and detained with final paperwork. Never mind the fact that life likes to throw out little nasties like resumes and jobs. I shall soon turn my attention to concluding TWTCHF and other such business. As for now, thank you for sticking with this story that I had such fun writing. Hopefully it's been a trippy road to travel. Again, reviews are love, people. Now allow me to present the riveting conclusion of Rinderella (oooooh).
Finale: Feeling the Love In Ever After
"Mmm…five more minutes mom…"
"Get UP you fool!" Kagura's shrieking was not the sort of wake-up call that Rin had been anticipating. Consequently, neither was the fact that she was still outside, her back and her bum in dire agony from having slept on the hard dirt.
"Gah! Mmm…?" Still groggy from dreams of weird green fairies and fangirls burning things at the stake, Rin got up close to Kagura's face and peered into her beady red eyes. Kagura looked tired and…mal-content.
"You're not Jaken…" she mumbled, still off in another realm. If the author didn't know better she'd say that Rin were high… But, indeed, we all know better, do we not?
"No, I certainly am not, now GET UP I SAID!" Kagura yanked Rin up from her arm, noticing something attached to the sleep-frazzled girl. "What on earth are you clutching?"
Rin looked into her clenched fists and realized that she was still holding the Tenseiga. Suddenly, recollection of the entire night and its rather sketchy events flooded to her mind like shizzit hitting the fan and Rin's eyes bugged out like…well kinda like Jaken's actually. I'm tryin' ta paint a picture here folks, so work with me here.
"Never mind, where the Hell's your mother? She in jail yet, or what? And where's the ghost? And what the Hell happened to you! You look like you got mauled by fangirls with flamethrowers. Hehehe." Kagura's growing discomfort was doing wonders to Rin's disposition. Life was looking good, for once in a damn decade. And who here reading this can't relate...
"Not that it's any of your business you filthy little worm but indeed, our illustrious mother is…indisposed… at the moment. I came back to retrieve some money for her bail." Kagura looked around warily, "Kanna is missing…good riddance."
Not that Rin had been very attached to Kanna in the first place but she felt a slight prick of anger at Kagura's utter indifference to the girl. "That's some sisterly love you've got there. Anyway, if I were you, I'd leave Naraku where she is. No less than what she deserves. I don't know what her problem is. The mere sight of that damn Shikon no Tama makes her even more psychotic than she usually is. She gets all weird and…spidery…which isn't a word but you know what I mean. You've –seen- what I've seen. And lemme tell ya, there ain't no one normal who can spawn insects like that. And speaking of spawning-"
"Quit talking about my mother you baboon!" Kagura yelled, and cringed, as memories of her 'birth' flooded back. Let me implant in your minds, my illustrious audience, the disturbing thought that is the aforementioned. Remembering one's own birth is just plain wrong; I don't care what culture you're from. The evening spent battling fangirls also crept back into Kagura's mind. She had just returned from the battlefront and was in no mood for Rin's lip. "As mother is unable to be here at the moment, I am head of the household. You will do as I say."
"Like Hell you are!" Rin knew where this was going and as things were going to get ugly she would just have to make use of Sesshoumaru's sword and…heal Kagura to death…or something like that. "It's my house...or was my dad's…but never mind the technicalities. It's not yours and I'd just like to see you boss me around without your backup!"
"Silence! Rinderella, you shall relinquish any money you may have to me so that I may bail mother out."
"WHA-WHA-WHAAT? You want money from me! Woman have you tossed your feathers?" Sorry. I had to interject a feather pun. It was –necessary-.
"Rinderella," Kagura said as she pulled out her fan from goodness knows where, "Don't make me hurt you."
"Well…well don't make me stab you!" But Rin knew that if Kagura started throwing her attacks around, she'd be almost defenseless.
So, she did the only thing she could do: she took a deep breath and
Drove a solid right hook into Kagura's face and began to bust a groove (that means run, for those of us who are a few slices short of a loaf;)
Notice a pattern in the author's problem-solving techniques.
Kagura was ready for her. Well, after she regained her composure, that is. An unholy battle ensued for a further 45 minutes in which Kagura used the wind to cut and maim Rin, while Rin proceeded to heal herself after every wound. We're talkin' about lightsabers and shit, people. But though Rin had been able to get a few good hits here and there…
"There, right were you should be, you little ingrate."
As Rin hung from a tree branch, tied with a lengthy rope and dangling upside-down helplessly, she could feel the blood rushing to her head. She felt fuzzy. She felt angry. She felt like her boobs were going to fall out of her kimono. But look at all the pretty colors…
"YOU MOTHERFU- "
"Now now Rinderella. The time for pleasantries is at an end. I shall return shortly, with mother at my side and I doubt you will find her in a good mood. If you haven't been eaten by wolves by then, do take care to behave yourself in her presence, yes? Ta-ta!"
Kagura disappeared with a WOOOSH. This was, amongst many other things, not a happy time. "S-she said it. She used…the 'W' word...W-wolves?...Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp! Help, goddammit!"
Just then, Rin shut her yap as a rustling came from within the conveniently located trees.
'This is it, my girl,' she thought. 'I've been beaten in battle, robbed of my money by my evil stepsister and strung up like meat. How embarrassing…'
"SILENCE." came the lovely bass-tone from a very-annoyed figure.
'Why is everyone telling me to shut up?' Rin thought. 'Great. I'm gonna be a late-night snack for a talking wolf.'
"Rin. Why are you hanging upside down from a tree?" And here this Sesshoumaru thought life could not get stranger. This girl was meant for this Sesshoumaru. Why oh why…
"Sire, I told you that the girl was a lunatic! She probably did that to herself. And earlier I received word that her stepmother was put into county lock-up-"
"And also my lord, her step-sister the Lady Kagura was one of the primary factors that contributed to the spread of the fire in the palace-"
"And also milord-"
"Shut up you sorry excuse for a fairy-god Imp! Whose side are you on anyway! Woah that made me dizzy…"
Sesshoumaru looked up at the girl whose eyes had turned to swirls, like so: . She was quite adorable when she was having an episode.
"Well said, Rin."
"Uuuugh…getting sick now…" she groaned.
Sesshoumaru jumped up and took a neat slice out of the rope. Before Rin had a chance to scream she was like a little worm in the Prince's arms, floating back down to mother Earth. This was all done in approximately 3.2 seconds for those technical fans out there. Ah, amore…
Uuughh…I'm gonna puke, Rin thought.
"Rin. Do not dare relieve yourself on this Sesshoumaru." I just had this dry-cleaned, he added in his mind.
"I..I wouldn't dream of it Sesshoumaru-sama. Wait- why are you here! You have to help me! I have to stop Kagura from putting up my evil stepmother's bail! I've gotta hire a lawyer…I've gotta...I've gotta…"
And Rin's stomach began doing those wonderful flips and swirls..
"Rinderella, I realize this may come as a shock but this Sesshoumaru requests your cooperation in a vital matter. After considering our respective situations heavily I have come to the conclusion that there is no other alternative for you and I. This Sesshoumaru has come to ask for your hand in marriage. Will you do me the honor of accepting?"
"MILORD WHAT ARE YOU SAYING! I BEG YOU TO RECON-"
"Shut up Jaken or you will be Ah-Uhn's next meal."
Somewhere in the background... 'Say wha? Umm, excuse us, no. We wouldn't touch that. Yeah, thanks.'
Rin's stomach heaved, hoed and did other things that verbs shouldn't be maladjusted into doing. He had proposed to her. They had only met tonight. But who the Hell cared. He was right- this would solve all problems. Never mind the fact she was already ga-ga for the man. And, after all, this is supposed to be a fairytale, right? Oooh all the fuzzy feelings of lovey-dovey cuteness crap flooded into her brain and consequently rushed to her stomache. There the 'oooh' became the 'eeeewww.' Sesshoumaru's eyes got slightly larger as he started cringing and moving backwards.
"No. Rin, control yourself. This Sesshoumaru orders- "
For those of us who have yet to realize that the author is sound-effect-challenged, that was the sound of Rin 'relieving herself' onto the Prince.
Well…this is awkward. Rin felt better, Jaken fainted (or keeled over from the smell- whatever works for you) and Sesshoumaru… Sesshoumaru's eyebrow twitched a little, his forehead perspired a little, his life-span shortened a little but his hatred of life was renewed. Over and over again.
"You win, Rinderella," were the last words Sesshoumaru softly spoke before he admitted to himself that this tiny specimen of a girl had broken him in one night.
"Uuuugh…" Rin tried to apologize but, in her mind she could only think, Of course I win...hihihi…Rin-chan kicks ass. Oh how I love the look of a broken spirit.
"This Sesshoumaru will take that as a 'yes.'"
Meanwhile, somewhere in prison…
"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MEANING OF THIS KAGURA!" Naraku had a vein the size of Nevada on her forehead as she watched her daughter be hauled, kicking and screaming, into her cell.
Kagura looked like she had seen better days...and better cells…but anyway…
"Before I kill you, tell me why you are staring at me in my, yes MY, prison cell, instead of bailing me out."
Kagura sat down in a dark corner and pouted. "I don't know what happened mother…One minute I was coming to bail you out, the next I saw them transporting the Shikon no Tama back into the safe and I… I just snapped! I HAD to have it…for no damn reason. –YOU- DID THIS TO ME!"
"Get a hold of yourself you irresponsible little worm! Damn your foolishness."
"You're damning me for the same stunt you pulled to get yourself in here in the first place!"
"Silence. Where is Rinderella? Young man! GUARD! I demand my phone call!"
The guard on duty was just about done with the whining that he had been putting up with from this woman. Muttering curses under his breath, he opened the cell and was about to escort Naraku to the phone.
"Mom," Kagura interjected, "I wouldn't waste the call on Rinderella if I were you. She's… I fed her to the wolves."
Silence…. A faint chirping in the background, reminiscent of another place in another time… Curious…
"WHY YOU- AAAAAAH!" Naraku flung herself, robes and kimono and all onto Kagura (think whooping crane meets …I dunno…something mean and ready to bitch-slap Kagura…think of yourself if it pleases you).
"KYAAAAA GET OFF ME YOU WITCH!" Kagura yelled as she got the begeezus smacked outta her. The guard called for backup immediately and they busted into the cell making futile attempts to pry the psychotic women apart. No one noticed the cell's door slowly closing and being locked shut, or the quiet little figure in white who had had just about enough of everything. Amidst the hullabaloo, people began falling all over each other and one, just one unlucky guard landed on the floor with his hand over something…strange and hard… And as the guard looked at his hand perched unhappily upon Naraku's crotch, his mind casually reminded him that women just don't have rather large lumps between their legs.
If there's any justice in the world, he thought to himself, this'll be a really large and misplaced hemorrhoid.
As it turns out, there really is no justice in this world after all.
After Rin had settled the still unconscious Jaken and herself on top of Ah-Uhn, the party was successfully on their way back to the Palace. Rin and Sesshoumaru had had a little exchange; a glass sandal in return for the Tenseiga seemed a more than worthy trade. But no matter how much Sesshoumaru cursed and swung it around, the sword adamantly refused to 'heal' the vomit off of his armor and silk attire.
During their travel, to be fair, or after several minutes of grueling interrogation, Sesshoumaru revealed to Rin the reasons behind his speedy proposal. The questioning had went something like this:
"So it's not like we've known each other for years and you haven't told me you love me… Why did you propose to me?"
"You know, a healthy relationship demands communication."
"We're going to need to work on that I see."
"It was meant to be."
"Oh…really. Is that so… Now tell me the real reason."
"That's how we're going to play it, eh?... Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Are we- "
"ENOUGH. Do you mean to drive this Sesshoumaru to self-mutilation you merciless woman!"
"Oh Sesshoumaru-sama… You're right…we're perfect for each other. Now talk to me please."
So Sesshoumaru had explained the situation as delicately as his rigid dignity would allow and after a couple hundred poxes on all of his relations and a few agonizing tearful cries, Rin was still very happy with the end result of their upcoming marriage and prepared to fight for her man. Love would come along. After all, she had the rest of her life to terrorize the man and that's just the kind of thought that can bring hope, warmth and fuzziness to a girl's heart.
I just gave myself chills.
"99,999… 10,000. There old man, now quit harassing the crippled."
Inuyasha, still heavily bruised from Kagome's domestic abuse, felt a pang of sadness sweep over him as he relinquished the money to his father and admitted defeat. This was the first bet he had lost to the Inu no Taisho in over 25 years. He was sure, he had been sure, dammit, that his brother was….of the homosexual orientation. In fact, "I'm not gay but my older brother is" T-shirts had been seen floating around the castle, of mysterious make but undoubted considerable profit. But as sure as shiznit there Sesshoumaru stood with his new fiancé at his side. Needless to say, the family interrogation would soon begin. It's not everyday the human-hating crown dog-demon prince shows up covered in human vomit, with a human fiancé, who's a girl no less.
"Hey…" Rin said curiously/threateningly, "did you two have a bet at my fiancé's expense?"
The Inu no Taisho and Inuyasha looked at each other and stuttered incoherently.
"I can't hear you!"
"Oh I like her," Kagome said to the Lady Izayoi as she nudged her mother-in-law in the arm.
"Indeed. Kagome why don't you show her around the palace for a bit."
"Hey Rin, were ya ever a man at any point in your life?" Inuyasha couldn't help but ask. And as he was plunged into the marble floor the Lady Izayoi kindly requested that he join Kagome and Rin on their mini tour. As they passed through the corridor the Lady Izayoi sighed hearing Kagome say, "…and this is the centerpiece of the collection. I call it the Curse of the Undead Miko…"
"But, Kagome, she looks alive from here. I think she's tying to say something…"
"Nonsense, Rin…-nervous chuckle- moving along…"
Back in the throne-room, the three remaining members of the family sat/stood in tense silence. Jaken had already been escorted away by Ah-Uhn, who were happy to have made it back home without getting lost. Again.
"Sesshoumaru, marriage is a very serious commitment," began the Lady Izayoi, taking rather long sips of her Scotch.
"Oh come now sweetheart, lets not ruin the mood! Doesn't Sesshoumaru look happy!" Obviously the Taisho was still very much caught up in his victory and the fact that he wouldn't have to explain a new son-in-law, for Sesshoumaru looked….exactly the bloody same as he always does…
"Honey...Perhaps you should make sure your son is ready to enter into a happy and equal marriage such as our own," she grated into her husband.
The Taisho took a long sip of his own Scotch and looked his son dead in the eyes. What the Hell do I say so she doesn't send me to the doghouse, he thought.
"Son… I realize I may have been a bit…harsh. You don't have to get married if you do not wish to. Although, any girl who can retain your attention for this long, or keep you hostage for that matter, may be well worth your affections indeed. However, I am willing to retract my.. arrangement with Inuyasha if you are the slightest bit unsure."
Sesshoumaru didn't know what to say. He took a minute to think, then… "Will you turn the kingdom over to Inuyasha if I don't get married?"
"No. The kingdom is still yours, as tradition promises."
"In that case… I still wish to get married. Rinderella is…" He wanted to say 'hostile and more than ready and willing to make this Sesshoumaru's life a living Hell if I don't marry her' but he settled for "…perfect."
The Lady and Taisho both gasped then the Lady turned to her husband.
"I win, hand it over."
"Very well, don't push me. I didn't even get to enjoy my winnings."
"Honestly I know your son better than you do. Didn't I tell you he couldn't be guilt-tripped out of his decision?"
"Yes yes, no need to rub it in. I thought he'd cave in. He's been getting soft."
"Yes but Im telling you it's a phase."
"……..I'm still in the room….." Sesshoumaru said.
Kagome, Rin and an even more crippled Inuyasha walked/crawled back into the room. Kagome looked as chipper as ever, Inuyasha was questioning whether or not he was still a man after what Kagome had done to him and Rin looked rather pale and teary-eyed.
"Rin?" Sesshoumaru asked with an elegantly raised eyebrow as he walked up to his fiancé.
"They…I… you're not really gay, are you?"
So began the interrogation. Sesshoumaru's eyes became angry little slits.
"Son, I did mean to ask you, why on earth are you covered in vomit?"
The slits began to redden.
"Sesshoumaru dear, just a thought but… I always assumed you hated humans…"
Fangs began to show as a snarl emerged.
"Keh. Sesshoumaru you suck."
That did it. Kagome sighed and went to get some aspirin from her bag, Sesshoumaru went into his dog form and battled Inuyasha in the courtyard and the Taisho tried to swindle some of his ex-winnings from his wife.
"5,000 says Sesshoumaru wipes the floor with Inuyasha!"
"Deal! But I assure you that my son, crippled as he is, will not yield."
"We shall see my dear."
It was a matter of saving face at this point. As Rin tried to comprehend her soon-to-be in-laws, she felt a slight chill behind her.
"Kanna! Where the Hell did you come from? Never mind...forget I asked that."
"…Mother and Kagura are in prison."
"WAH! Ya don't say! How'd Naraku Jr. end up in there?" I did't think this day could get any better, Rin thought, feeling something akin to pure contentment. It's that feeling of 'oooh, I just peed on myself and I don't give a damn.' Yeah. She was feeling that good.
"She tried to steal the Shikon jewel and was arrested. I… could not afford the bail. They have a court date pending. The presiding judge is Sir Ko….Sir Kouga. He insisted on having the case."
Rin thought for a minute. "Kouga…Kouga…why does that name seem familiar? Wait…isn't he the guy that Kagura OH MY GOD. Hahahaha… I don't think we'll be seeing them for a while. Kouga and his thug lawyers might have a bone or two to pick with the old bats."
"Wait- where the heck are you going?"
"To my room."
Kanna disappeared and Rin didn't even want to know. She'd be seeing Kanna around. Rin was genuinely happy. She looked at her fiancé in the courtyard. He looked so adorable in a murderous rage, dripping acid all over the beautiful flora and fauna. He was going to make a wonderful husband and pet pooch. Then came the screaming from the stables, which could only mean that Jaken had found out about the marriage. Ah those blissful screams and tears of agony. Music to my ears, she thought. Then there was the Lady Izayoi and the Taisho, now gambling furiously over a game of backgammon and drinking more Scotch, while Kagome finished polishing her bow, grabbed an arrow or two and curiously headed back to the room where the 'centerpiece of the collection' was hanging. An ominous scream of "hentai!" and a loud smack echoed through the halls, followed by pleas for mercy. She'd have to check that out later. In the courtyard Inuyasha was flung and slammed right onto a large crate, busting it open. Large quantities of T-shirts with 'My brother's the gay crown-prince and all I get is this lousy T-shirt' printed on them fell to the floor.
"You. I knew it."
Sesshoumaru was about to commit half-fraternicide and, I ask you, where are the parents? Life was good.
In one final moment of consideration, Rin found some writing utensils and began a letter, though she had a helluva time convincing the guard to deliver it to the prisoners. He was on his way there anyway so she didn't get what the big deal was. Strange.
That day, there was a delivery for Naraku and Kagura... Both parties knew that they hadn't seen the last of each other. Nevertheless, Rin had some words of wisdom for the duration of her evil step-family's incarceration:
"Thanks for nothing, you bastards. Yes, I survived. You seem to forget that evil doesn't die. I hear the judge was miraculously lenient so I'll be ready for ya when you get out. In the meantime I'm going to live happily ever after. With weapons.
It had taken Rin some time to find the most suitable words for this letter. However, after careful construction, it was complete, save that last bit of inspiration.
That's soon-to-be-Queen Rinderella to you but, what the Hell, you can call me Queen Rin, for short.
P.S.- Don't drop the soap.
A/N: Thank you all for your support during the creation process. Take care and see you in the next story!