The Private Journal Strikes Back

AN- Rated M for saftey. Contains adult themes, alcohol use, and mild sexual situations. No course language or violence.

Please R & R!

Chapter One- Fall


Wotcher, Journal. It's been a month, so here we are again. You do need to be updated, don't you? Fudge has been sacked, and after everything that's happened, even Trelawney could have seen that one coming. We've got a new minister now, you'll never guess who.

Scrimgeour. That's right, the bloke who sacked me last year. Obscene, isn't it? Yes, I got a full pardon and everything, but even so, can't help but to hold on to a tiny little grudge.

There's other news, but it's not good. Actually, it's worse, much worse. You know how well Remus and me have been getting along, quite well as a matter of fact. At least, we were until...

We had been seeing so much of each other, we were communicating, cuddling, flirting, it was excellent. He was finally starting to open to me. I had the feeling he was about to make it official any day, which is what I've wanted desperately for ages. And then...and then Dumbledore gave him that damn order.

Dumbledore asked Remus to live with the werewolves. He sent him to walk amongst them and be our spy. I found out when he asked me to meet him at the Leaky Cauldron one Saturday.

You can imagine my excitement, for some reason, I thought it was going to be good news. I found him there, and we grabbed a table. We sat down and he reached over to take my hand. He was looking into my eyes. I could feel my heart beating faster. He said my name. I said yes and I closed my eyes, waiting anxiously for the best, and I got the worst. He told me he was going away on a mission and that he could not see me anymore.

I was devastated. I was torn apart... though part of me knows that there is war going on, and I know Remus must do what he can for the cause. And part of me wanted to sod the war, and hold on to him and not let go. But I couldn't, and he couldn't either. I feel rather numb.

He left the day Emmeline was murdered to go live amongst 'his kind'. Yes, Emmeline is dead. She was killed by a Death Eater. We don't even really know why, or how they found her.

I've only seen Remus once since then. There was a scuffle between the werewolves and the wizards. A pack had broken into the Ministry, meaning to destroy all their files in the Department of Part-Human relations. If they had got to that information, it would have leveled our ability to keep tabs on them.

It was in the middle of the night. Dumbledore sent Kingsley and me to stop them. A poor choice, the man knows almost everything, but he doesn't know how I feel about Remus. I didn't want to go, but I had to, it being my duty and all. I thought about telling him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. They arrived shortly after we did and the idiots ignored the intruder charms, so we knew they were there immediately, and were able to head them off.

I wasn't that worried because it wasn't the full moon, and the hard-core werewolves generally consider themselves above wand use. I can handle killers.

Unfortunately, Remus was there, just as I feared. He was on his side, and I was on mine, and there was nothing I could do about it. Here I was facing the man I love in battle. I could not even reveal that I knew him, or I would compromise his cover.

I drew my wand and stunned the werewolf next to him, while Kingsley cursed a few more. I couldn't help it, I paused for just a second after stunning another prowler, to chance a look at Remus. A werewolf took that opening and slugged me right in the face. I heard him growling with satisfaction as I wiped blood away.

Kingsley drew in and stunned him. It was just the three of us then, left standing in the room. Checking that no werewolves were watching, Remus strode over to me, concern flashing in his eyes. He asked if I was ok, and out of a deep, hidden pocket, he withdrew his wand and placed it at my nose. "Episkey," he whispered, and it healed my broken nose. I must try to remember that one.

Kingsley was looking wearily at him and said, "You know what I've got to do, mate?" Remus nodded and I watched him fall to the floor under a shower of red sparks.

And that was the last time I saw him. I think Kingsley must have said something to Dumbledore, because I've been banned from all future werewolf conflicts. Also, Kingsley must have stunned Remus only temporarily, because he was among those who got away. Off to continue his work, away from me.

I've been so depressed. I woke up this morning to find I'd shifted back to my normal state in my sleep. I tried to morph, but I couldn't. I'm stuck like this now. Oddly enough, I find that I don't care. I can't be with Remus, and nothing else matters.


Hey, Journal. Still can't morph, still don't care. I've got a new post. Dumbledore sent me to live in Hogsmeade to watch over the school. I've moved out of number four, and into a flat above the Hogs Head. It's nice and cheap, and boasts a plentiful supply of alcohol just downstairs, so it's not that bad.

I started today, they had me on guard at the Hogsmeade Station. Good thing, too. I noticed Harry hadn't gotten off the train, so I went on board to look for him. He must have got in a fight, I found him frozen and bleeding underneath an invisibility cloak. Poor kid. I got him up, and helped him off the train. I used the spell Remus had used on me to fix his nose.

I escorted him to the school, and sent a Patronus ahead to fetch Hagrid. It's changed, my Patronus. Remus is my only thought now, happy or sad.

I think Harry noticed, but he didn't say anything. Snape came instead of Hagrid, which disappointed us. Snape also observed it that it had changed, but was unkind enough to make a remark about it. The greasy git just had to comment on it! You know, someone really should inform him that we're all working on the same damn side, and it wouldn't kill him to be a bit nicer. Asshole.

Anyway, once Harry was safe at Hogwarts, I wandered back into town and back into my miserable little flat. Proudfoot, Savage, and Dawlish are all stationed here, too. They are all Aurors from my department. Savage said something about the lot of us getting together on Saturday for some drinks. I don't think I'll go. I haven't been much for company, lately.

The only person who seems to understand what I'm going through is Molly. She's really been there for me, been something like a cross between a mother and a best friend. I've been over at the burrow, a fair few times already.

I've told Molly every thing, every sordid detail. She's really a great listener. She's really quite keen to be privy to my love life, or rather, complete lack there of. It does a lot for me to know that she's on my side. She really thinks we're a smart match, and as the mother of seven, and in a happy marriage for decades, her confidence means so much, even if at the moment I'm getting no where.

I have not contacted Remus, nor has he contacted me. I would not do anything to endanger him or his mission, even if it means sacrificing my happiness. There are bigger things going on now.


Halloween is almost here, and it doesn't bring a shred of joy to me. It used to be my favorite holiday, and now it means nothing.

A girl from Hogwarts, Katie Bell, has fallen prey to a cursed necklace. Don't know how it happened, I'm ashamed to say, none of us stationed here has a clue. We had a meeting last night to discuss it. It's a shame, an embarrassment even, we're here to keep watch over the school and no one knows what the bloody hell is going on even in the spot we're situated. Dumbledore says she'll be all right, eventually. Time heals all wounds, right?

I saw Harry earlier that day. He'd caught old Dung with a load of stuff from Sirius's house. Didn't sit too right with him, no I wouldn't expect it to. I think...I think if I cared about anything anymore it would have bothered me too. But old Dung, he's just a thief, and he was just doing what thieves do best, look after themselves. In a world like this, it's hard to argue against it. If you care about other people, where does it get you? Where has it gotten me? Living alone in a cheap flat, with nothing to do but work. But it's not really that. It's this bloody war. It's him, he who must not be named. He's the source of all this, when you boil it right down. If it wasn't for him, I could have been rejected for any other of another of his reasons...he's too old, meaning I'm too young, he's too dangerous, meaning I'm not smart enough, he's too poor, meaning I'm not rich enough. God damn it. God damn him. God damn me.


Same business. No word from Remus. Molly says I should just focus on my work. I'm trying to, I know it's important, but none of us can figure out how it all happened to the Bell girl. No one knows how she got a hold of that damn necklace, or who gave it to her. It's funny how the world has gotten more harsh and complicated, and I haven been given the wits or wherewithal to adapt. It's only adding to my self-loathing, really. Maybe my folks were right. Maybe I shouldn't have become an auror. But it wouldn't have changed a thing, the war would still be here, only it would have had one less goodie on their side. I hope it makes a difference, these days, hope is all I have.

Christmas is approaching, another reason to be depressed. Molly's invited me over of course, but Remus is going to be there, and for some reason, I don't feel like forcing my company on him. If he wants to see me, let him seek me out. Knowing where he stands, it seems as likely as Ron getting drafted for the Chudley Cannons. Anyway, I have Christmas plans with this very lovely Muggle chap by the name of Jim Beam. I've come to prefer Muggle whiskey, it doesn't burn the same as ours. Cheers.

Yours eternally,