It's kind of funny. In a humorless way. You have no idea. You think we're just friends. You're so smart and yet you can't see what's so goddamned obvious. I would never tell you though. I can't. Even though I want more than anything for you to know. Well, almost more than anything. I can't tell you or anyone, because my friends are your friends. I can't write your name and little hearts all over my notebook because we have all the same classes. I can't even write it in my journal because I sometimes let you read it. After everything we've been through, and all that you know, you're still utterly clueless.
Part of me wants it that way. Part of me understands that if you knew, we'd never be the same. We'd never be this close. You're all I have and all I need, and I'll take whatever you can give me. You're an angel fallen from the stars. I'm pretty, but you're beautiful. Pure as the driven snow, despite what others may think. I'm thankful for every dimpled smile, every laugh you send my way. You don't know that that's all you need to do to make me feel better. All you need to do is look at me and my world is okay.
You don't notice how jealous I am when you talk about him. You don't notice how hard I try to ignore you when you go on and on about your boyfriends. You don't know how my heart actually skips a beat when you hug me. Or how it breaks when you hug him. You don't see how much I hurt when I see you crying. And you don't see the tears in my eyes when you tell me you love me and all I can think is, not enough.
It worries me sometimes, how completely devoted to you I am. If you asked me to go to the moon I'd ask what time to meet you there. If you told me the sun would rise in the west tomorrow or that the grass is red on Sundays, I'd believe you because you said it. I'd move heaven and earth to keep you from harm. I may be smart, I may be cool in that broody sort of way, I may be many things but I am nothing without you. Because you are beautiful and kind and genuine and innocent, even if it's buried deep down, and I will use all my intelligence, all my ability, all my strength, and both my fists to make sure you always stay that way. I'd risk my life for yours without a second thought. I'd die for you.
I just want you to be happy. Even if it's not with me. My happiness is second to yours. My anything is second to yours. I know that all this pining isn't healthy. I suppose eventually I'll have to give up on this and move on. I am painfully aware that you can never love me the way I love you. But a girl can dream. I can still pretend that you save those smiles just for me. I can act like the lingering hugs and innocent hand-holding means more than it does. I can think that you stopped finding excuses to touch me because you just wanted to touch me. I can let myself believe there's actually something there and I'm not just some emotional masochist. But these are just dreams, meager hopes. Idle fantasies of a little girl who doesn't know who she is without you. I'm just lost and lonely and hopelessly infatuated. But I'm okay with that. It works for me. So long as I can keep dreaming.