Summary:One-Shot. A little story of silliness. Harry is having a hard time in his dreams, and people just want to make it worse. I guess an AU Story. Does not follow HBP
DC: I don't own Harry Potter
Harry Potter woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It was three thirty in the morning, and everything was going wrong. He fell asleep right after classes, the day before, and couldn't believe what time it was. It just started off a bad mood.
So he decided to take a quick shower away from the boys' dormitory. It was just in case he woke someone up. He really didn't want to hear it from anyone this morning.
He was Quidditch Captain, so he could go to the Prefects Bathroom. No one would be up this morning taking a bath.
So he grabbed his invincibility cloak, and traveled down to the Prefects Bathroom. He said the password, and slipped inside. It was steamy, like it always was, and it was getting hot underneath the cloak, so he slipped it off.
He took off his nightclothes and socks, and grabbed a towel. He set the towel near where he was sitting in the bathtub. He slipped into the water, and felt it's warmness.
He was so relaxed that he didn't realize someone else was, in fact, in the bathtub. He was just sitting there, when he felt the water ripple beside him. He saw a very faint outline of someone, and became scared.
"What…?" The voice said.
Then there was a scream. Harry leaped out of the bath and grabbed his towel. He got twisted after securing it on him, and fell flat on his face. He was knocked out.
Harry was woken up to the music of a violin. He didn't know Neville could play so well. He didn't even know anyone could play the violin in the boys' dormitory. So that's where he was. He was in the boys' dormitory, and people were hovering over him. It was Ron, Hermione, and Neville, with his violin, he recognized first. But then there was Professor McGonagall, Dean, and…Buckbeak?
"Boy if Ron didn't find you in the prefects bathroom…I don't think you would have made it Carry." Hermione said. She looked worried, yet happy? What was up with these emotions?
Ron helped Harry out of bed. Harry didn't need help, but he was happy for it anyway. "Yeah, I don't know what happened, but you got up, and fell. Broke your glasses, but Mione fixed them."
Harry nodded. He still felt a little dizzy, but questions started forming in his mind. Why wasn't he in the Hospital Wing? And when did Ron start calling Hermione 'Mione'? Why was Buckbeak chewing on Dean's head? Wait…Did Hermione call him Carry?
"Lotter classes start in three seconds. I want you to limp your way over as fast as you can." And with that Professor McGonagall left. Hermione left the boys dormitory, and so did Dean and Buckbeak. Harry was still in a daze, but…
"Did she just call me Lotter?"
"Yeah. That's your name isn't it?" Ron asked. "Larry Lotter? The Boy Who Died?"
Harry watched as Ron left the room. There was a bell ringing, which had never rang in Hogwarts before, and Harry realized he was late.
He threw on someone's clothes, and sprinted down and out of the Gryffindor Common Room. He reached Transfiguration with a second left to go. He didn't understand why though, Professor McGonagall said there were only three seconds.
"Today we are all going to kill Larry Lotter, and the Prisoner of Azkawhat." Professor McGonagall announced, holding up a book.
Everyone was pulling out his or her books, and Harry was lost. He thought he was Larry, and what was Azkawhat?
"Lotter, and your shirt that says 'I love candy dewdrops which is actually Acid Rain', I want you to come to the front of the classroom and kill the book first. Remember to do some sort of Transfiguration thing, since this is Transfiguration class, and you have to do that to actually be doing work in this class." McGonagall explained.
Harry pulled out his book and went to the front of the classroom. He was in fact wearing a pink shirt, with the said label, and blue sweatpants. No one was actually wearing the school uniforms. In fact they were all stark naked. The weird thing was they were all blurred out in their 'private' areas. (Like in TV shows. The censorship)
"Ahh…yeah…" Harry started, holding up the book. It had a picture of a lamb on it. The lamb was red. "So…I'm supposed to turn it into something, and then kill it?"
"Yes Lotter. I mean you can't be that deaf."
"I'm not deaf…" Harry mumbled. He pulled out his wand, and turned it into a beaver. He didn't know how he was going to kill the beaver, so he just threw it.
It hit Draco Malfoy in the head, and killed him. Everyone clapped, Pansy Parkinson clapping the most enthusiastically.
"You go, Lotter!"
"It's been great knowing you Rapre!" (Rap-ree it somehow rhymes with Harry)
"Ron, he's not going to die!"
"But Mione! He's the Boy Who Died!"
Harry sat down next to the blurred out Ron. Ron gave him a wink, and licked his lips. Harry had the sudden thought of leaving to go to the bathroom. What was up with everyone?
"Class dismissed. Go frolic somewhere."
Harry left Transfiguration a little confused. Now everyone was in his or her regular school outfits, including Harry himself. Ron was holding hands with Hermione as they walked down the corridors.
"Perry you have to come to our wedding!"
"What wedding? You didn't tell me about any kind of wedding!" Harry said to Ron.
"Oh don't be silly Gary! Of course we did! It is Tubular the 45th."
First of all Tubular wasn't a month, second the number 45 couldn't be on a calendar. The days only went up to 31st.
"And my names Harry." Harry added.
"Oh sure Yrrah. Iz zat ze daily prophet?"
When did Hermione sound like Fleur? And he didn't even know how they ended up in the Great Hall. He sat looking at his food of blue rocks, and candied blue jays. This was disturbing, so he looked away.
He stared at the face of, what seemed to be, Draco Malfoy. He looked like him at least, but he was dead. Wasn't he? But when Harry spoke to him, he had a deep voice. Such a deep voice, that Harry thought he'd cry because it sounded so deep and tough.
"SO WAZZUIT YAM AND GRAVY? I IS WATCHING OVER YOUR GRAVE SON! BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!" The boy, who looked like Draco Malfoy, yelled.
"NAMES BEEF. BEEFY MELLOW GUNK…AH MALFOY. I IS WATCHING."
Beefy poked Harry in the stomach then walked away. Harry just shook his head, and lightly rubbed his sore stomach, and looked at his plate. He had totally forgotten about the blue jay, but instead of its dead little body on his plate, it was, what looked like, a big chicken wing.
Harry took a bite, which was actually nothing, because this is a dream, and loved it. He ate it all, and looked around. Dean was smiling. He was sporting a butcher outfit, and blood was all over it.
"Er…Dean? What did…you kill?"
"That be Buckbeak yew be eating, yew." Dean said, making not much sense.
Harry jumped away from the table. Everyone watched him with confused expressions.
Ron screamed when he saw Dean's clothes. It was like the scream Harry heard in the bathroom before he woke up. It was really high pitched, and he expected it to be different. Maybe lower.
"When did you scream like a girl, Ron?"
"Are you crazy? You never say that word…" Ron whispered. Harry had to lean in to hear the last of it.
"That word…" Hermione said. "It's so horrid…"
"Scream…" Ron whispered, making sure no one heard him. "Lord Voldemort can't even say it…"
"When were you allowed to say Voldemort? You could never say it before!" Harry asked Ron. "Besides, Voldemort is the most feared person. I'm sure he could say 'scream'."
People hissed, as if they detested that word. Harry felt like he was going crazy. What was up with these people?
"Ah Young Jerry Lotts, the Potion Master. How do you do?"
Harry turned around to find Voldemort standing there. His green like skin and red eyes looking quite calm. It almost made Harry feel calm, but he pulled out his wand. "It's Harry, and what are you doing here?"
"Why I am selling this flower!" Voldemort said, holding up a rose. "It's been growing on my back for 80 years, and I find it quite lovely! Only fifty galleons! But I think I'll need more then one…" Voldemort looked up to the teachers' table. "I do believe Severus and Dumbledore have some on their backs too. So Albus! Let us be entrepreneurs together! Forget our differences!"
Dumbledore blew him a kiss. Snape looked disgusted. Harry looked up at Voldemort. "Scream."
Voldemort glared down at him, and hissed. "Never say that word again, Lotter. Now," He added on a chipper note. "I'll reduce the price for all males! Twenty galleons per rose… But we have a limited amount!"
Every boy student started to run for the rose. The girls rolled their eyes, and continued on talking like nothing was happening. Harry wanted to grab Hermione by the hair, and just pull it while saying, "IT'S HIM IT'S HIM! GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTT!"
But he just sighed in defeat. He sat down, and looked at his empty plate. What time was it anyway?
"It's four eighty-five, Harry."
What? Now Ginny could read minds? Ginny walked away with this glazed look in her eyes, and started answering everyone's questions that they hadn't even asked yet. And that can't be the time. He looked angrily over at Neville, who was playing his violin.
"What's wrong with everyone? And when did you start playing the violin?"
Neville stopped. A look of confusion on his face. "This is how every day goes, Mary Lotter. Everyday. Don't you remember? And I started when I was three months old."
Harry had it. He got up and screamed at the top of his lungs, "IT'S HARRY WITH AN H! AN H! I'M NOT A GIRL!"
He saw Dumbledore get up. He looked very angry, because he had to stop selling his back flowers for this nonsense. "Yes and My names Albus with a Q! You now have two expulsions and a detention for that outburst Harry Potter!"
Harry felt everything around him shatter, and turn dark. He closed his eyes and was finally going to sleep.
"Harry? Oh my—Harry? Are you alive?"
Harry slowly opened his eyes. He was still in the Prefects bathroom, and Hermione was hanging over him. She had a towel wrapped around her, and looked relieved he was okay.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scream like that. But what are you doing here?"
"I came to relax…" Harry said. He made sure he was covered before sitting up. "I didn't know anyone was in here either."
"This is terribly awkward. Let me go get dressed…"
Harry turned around and found his own clothes. He hurriedly got dressed, and searched around for his glasses. They were broken from the fall. Hermione came back and fixed them.
"Do you need to go see Madame Pomfrey?" She asked.
"No… I think I'll be fine…" Harry said. "So what were you doing in the bathroom?"
"I always come down here when I can't sleep. I usually read or something till I get tired. But, why don't we keep this event to ourselves." Hermione said, slightly flustered.
"That would be best…"
Both Harry and Hermione dipped under the invincibility cloak, and left the bathroom. They would take that whole thing to their graves.
And maybe Harry would forget the strange dream he had. One day he'd look back at it, and laugh.
Or maybe he'll just forget about it, and never think of Ron naked and licking his lips toward him ever again.
Hello Lala Rue here!
I should say something exotic so...
Okie so I like this fic, hope other ppl do too!