TITLE: Footsoldiers Part 3: "Aliens got my gun, sir."
AUTHOR: Redbyrd and dietcokechic
EMAIL: redbyrd (at) mindspring (dot) com , dietcokechic (at) hotmail (dot) com
RATING: PG-13 (language)
CATEGORY: humor, missing scene
WARNINGS: minor language
SUMMARY: Another day, another unscheduled offworld activation. Stan, Mario and their squad are ready for anything. Or are they?
SPOILERS: Enigma
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"Morning, Stan," Mario said as he opened his locker and began taking out the uniform he would be wearing for the next twelve hours.

"Morning, Mario," Stan replied conversationally, looking up from his boots. "You ready?"

"I still can't get over this assignment," Stan remarked, shaking his head. "Working at Stargate Command has to be the damnedest posting I've ever had. I mean, usually when you're doing sentry duty, you're freezing your ass off in a guard shack somewhere."

Mario snorted. "Yeah, and the most excitement you ever have is some jerk forgetting his badge and threatening to have your job if you don't let him in anyway." They both grinned at the comment. There wasn't an enlisted man in the world that didn't have to go through shit like that. "Here, we get all the excitement of never knowing what the hell is coming in next."

"And the coffee," his friend reminded him.

"Oh yeah," Mario confirmed nodding his head vigorously up and down. "An endless supply of government issue coffee."

"I hear they're testing it as a new secret weapon for dissolving the hulls of alien spaceships."

"I still think this is a fucking dream, man." Mario said shaking his head as he unbuttoned his shirt.

"That big metal donut out there says otherwise." Stan answered, not sounding all the sure himself. He finished tying his laces and stood up.

"You better hurry up, if you want breakfast before reporting on duty." Stan said frowning slightly as he observed his friend still dressed in skivvies.

"You worry too much Jones."

"You don't worry enough, Ramirez."

Breakfast was still the same steam table mush as always, but Mario was happy to see that at least they had waffles. "I don't know why they have these so often," Stan said, taking a double serving. "My last posting it was once a week, and man, I never missed 'em."

"Dr. Jackson likes them," Mario explained.

Stan squinted at him. "Since when do you notice what people eat?"

"Since never. I said something about it to Tessa, and she says the kitchen staff has a soft spot for him. He likes waffles, so they're a regular on the menu. I betcha it has something to do with his deciphering the Stargate and all that."

Stan nodded thoughtfully. Yeah, it was probably something like that. However, Stan was more interested in the first part of Mario's comments. "Oho. Tessa says, does she?" Stan grinned. Mario'd been screwing up his nerve to ask Senior Airman Teresa Ripley out for oh, three weeks at least. "Progress, my man. So does she have a crush on him? Or the colonel? Half the women on the base seem to."

The colonel of course was Colonel Jack O'Neill. Other colonels were referred to by name, but if you said 'the colonel' at the SGC, it was O'Neill you were talking about. "I don't think so," Mario said. "But I notice she does look twice when Teal'c is in the gym."

Stan blinked. "And who doesn't?" He poured more syrup over the desirable waffles. "So is Tessa going out with you?"

Mario grinned. "Dinner and a movie tonight. Assuming there's no alien invasion of course."

"And how far do you think you're gonna get?"

"A gentleman never tells, Stan my man. A gentleman never tells."

A pause. "So, how far do you think you're going to get?"

Mario threw a half a bagel at him (fortunately for Stan, the one without cream cheese) and grinned. It was going to be a fine day.

You got used to the noise, the run to the gateroom knowing combat could be seconds away. But no matter how many times it happened, that first half-second of howling adrenaline that hit when the alarm went off made the hair stand up on the back of his neck every time.

"Attention, all personnel. Off world activation. Unknown source," a voice called loudly from the multiple speakers in the Ready Room. Whereas the rest of the SGC could get away with just one speaker per corridor, the Ready Room seemed to need three.

"Man," Stan muttered under his breath as he threw down his cards and picked up his MP-5. "I had a damn full house too!" Effortlessly, he fell into formation with the other five men and women of his unit.

"Repeat, unscheduled off-world activation!"

"I heard you the first time, Walt." Mario murmured behind his friend. Together, the Ready Team burst into the gate room.

The Stargate was turning, chevrons lighting up and clunking. They were startled to see Dr. Jackson and the big alien Teal'c already there, standing calmly in front of the gate, with the aliens SG-1'd rescued a few days ago standing in a cluster with them. Stan could hear the sergeant muttering under his breath. "Ohshitohshitohshit, this is going to be one of the weird ones, I can feel it."

Without warning, the blast doors started to roll up. "That's weird," Mario muttered, "why were they down?" Before anyone could comment, a voice was heard over the loudspeaker.

"Doctor Jackson, this is Colonel Maybourne. What you're doing is a court-martialable offence, " a voice bellowed loudly from the control room.

Stan's brow wrinkled in thought. "They can't court-martial civilians, can they?" He was pretty certain they couldn't. Oh, they could still be arrested, fired, hell, even fired through wormholes at the speed of light...but not court-martialed.

Mario let out a smothered chuckle as the collective brain trust in the control room appeared to figure that out as well. Jackson however, was completely ignoring Maybourne's threats, his gaze fixed on the gate. The unfamiliar colonel's voice resumed, "I'll have you removed from this program forever if you do this. " Do what? Mario wondered. The gate was being activated from offworld. If he understood this right, Jackson couldn't be doing anything.

Suddenly, the gate opened with a kawhoosh. "Hey, aren't we supposed to have a protective iris?" Stan muttered, taking a firmer grip on his gun. The military spent millions building a supposedly impenetrable shield, and now the damn thing doesn't work!

Mario shook his head and tightened the grip on his weapon, his eyes firmly fixed on the wide open Stargate. Just when he had determined that this must just be one gigantic drill, a woman materialized serenely though the gate and walked calmly down the ramp. She looked like a little like a woodland elf, or maybe his ex-wife having a bad hair day. Mario tamped down on the urge to smile. Although Mario knew he might be wrong, he felt pretty certain this lady wasn't one of those Goa'uld sorts he had been briefed about. Oh, he remembered Ms. Hathor just fine, thank you.

The woman smiled warmly at Dr. Jackson. Man! What was it with that scientific geek and alien chicks? Rumor had he was actually married to one. And that Hathor lady had been all over him. Damn. He really didn't want his thoughts to keep coming back to her.

Big hair chick said hello to Jackson as he ran up the ramp and gave her a shy smile. "I thought those only worked in chick flicks," Stan murmured. They watched in disbelief as the woman smiled back at him like she was Jackson's own 100-pound Christmas present.

"Hello, Lya." Well the good news was that apparently she wasn't a stranger. To Jackson anyhow. Mario's grip on his weapon slackened just an infinitesimal bit as he felt that everything was going to be all right.

He really should stop trusting those feelings..

"All personnel in the gate room," Colonel Moron ordered into the intercom. What the hell was that bozo still doing here anyhow? "This is Colonel Maybourne. I have a Presidential order to take the aliens with me. Do not let them pass. Use force if necessary. "

Shit! Now what were they supposed to do? The guy might be a douche bag, but he was Colonel Douche Bag and if Mario and Stan wanted to keep their jobs, they really needed to follow his orders. Virtually all the members of the Ready Team looked to their CO for direction. The sergeant reluctantly raised his weapon and pointed it at the strangely dressed woman.

Who promptly ignored them completely. This really didn't do a hell of a lot for Stan's confidence. Everyone knew that all these alien chicks had superpowers, and he wasn't really hoping to find out what nasty power she had. After the Hathor thing (dammit, would the memory of that snakehead ever leave him alone?), Stan had taken to keeping an extra pair of earplugs in his fatigue pockets. Not that he would ever really know if the base had been compromised until it was too late- still it made him feel better.

The alien woman had taken her eyes off of the soldiers surrounding her and was talking earnestly to Jackson. "Your race has learned nothing."

Jackson didn't even try to contradict her. 'Ah, come on man!' Mario thought. 'Show a little backbone for the home team!' After a brief pause, she continued. "But you have." She gave him a sweet smile. "The Tollans are most welcome to join the Nox. Please come."

Come? Hold on a second here! The aliens- the Tollans, apparently- started walking up the ramp leading up to the Stargate. Hold on a sec.. was that a cat in that guy's arms! Stan found all of this completely fascinating and really wished he could tell his wife about what he really did for a living. Mario on the other hand, wished they'd hurry things along. He really had to pee.

Colonel Cranky however, obviously wasn't quite ready to call it a day. "Stop! Take one more step and I'll be forced to have them open fire." Stan sighed. 'Way to use us as ground fodder man!' he thought.

The woman shook her head with a look of disappointment, and then raised her hands. Instantly, the gate sparkled a deep blue with a perfectly-formed event horizon. No chevrons, no Walter announcing the chevron, and definitely no kawhoosh. How can you have an event horizon without a kawhoosh? The sergeant was audibly gasping - no matter how many times they had the, 'weird shit happens in this place' lecture; it always amazed them. "Superpowers", Stan muttered, nodding sagely. Having understood the silent signal, the Gate squad reluctantly pointed their weapons in her direction.

"Come," Lya offered, gesturing at the mingling Tollan around her. Without a word, the Tollan started disappearing by twos and threes. No sound, no gestures, just vanishing soundlessly as if they had never been. Mario's mouth fell open in slack-jawed amazement.

Okay, that was weird, even for the SGC.

It was all the cranky colonel could do to keep from foaming at his mouth. "Fire! Fire!" he screamed over the microphone. Before Stan or Mario could even lift up their hands in defense (not that it was clear whether they would have actually fired), their weapons vanished. In fact, all of the gate squad's weapons vanished. They stood there, looking at their suddenly empty hands in stunned silence.

'Shit!' Stan thought, 'if I'm going to have to pay for that, I'm going to be pissed!' Automatic weapons were not cheap. He wondered how much trouble they were going to be in if the guns weren't eventually located. Although several front-line SG teams seemed to lose their weapons on nearly a weekly basis, his squad never lost theirs. They were responsible for checking them out at the start of the day and checking them back in before they left the base. How the hell were they supposed to check back in air guns? Stan was so wrapped up in the absence of his gun, that he almost missed the pixie-alien lady's disappearing act, as she too vanished through the gate shortly before it disengaged.

The sergeant in charge signaled them to leave the gate room (everyone looking a little naked without his gun), and they filed out just as Colonel O'Neill came down and walked up to his teammate.

"Well he doesn't seem too upset," Mario remarked. "Guess, it can't be all that bad."

"Well, yeah," Stan replied glumly. "He didn't just lose his automatic weapon now, did he? The same weapon that Sergeant Morgan is expecting to get back in three hours."

Mario snorted. "No problem, mano," he replied glibly, already knowing the perfect excuse. We just tell him, 'Aliens stole my gun, sir' and leave it at that."

Stan laughed so hard, he started choking. "We are so dead."

Mario just nodded sagely, "Aliens got my gun, sir," Mario repeated as they rounded the corner and turned into the Ready Room.


tbc. ;)

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