Tinks was having a wonderfully subservient day so far. Her bulging eyes were practically glowing with the joy of knowing she was at the beck and call of someone as imperious as she was eager to please. Why did Master Severus not order her so sharply, or with such distain in his voice! Master Malfoy was exactly what she had always wanted in a house-master! He had demanded she cook, then clean, then show him to his room, and then bake an elaborately decorated cake. Bake a cake! Master Severus didn't even allow her into some parts of the kitchen! He tried to bake his own things in nasty, dirty big saucepans, and they were always bubbling horrible colours. She wished he'd let her handle them. She wouldn't have made anything go green and slimy, and she certainly wouldn't have put anything's eyes in it. She was a proper house elf.
"Where the hell is your bloody house elf?" came the sweet call from the living room.
She ran in. "Master is wanting Tinks?"
Master Malfoy gave her a cold glare. "Bring some water. Make sure it's cold."
Tinks was almost hyperventilating with pleasure. So rude! So direct! He was everything she had sought in a master all these long years!
"I is...loving ...to bring you water, sir!" she squeaked, tripping over her foot in her eagerness. Master Malfoy looked amused.
"She is well trained, sir." he said to Master Severus. Tinks flushed with joy. "Ours at the Manor never did that. They were always so surly."
Master Severus scowled. "I have more important things to discuss than my useless house elf. It's hardly as though I solicited her in the first place. She was a gift."
Tinks ran to get water. She polished the glass extra hard, and performed what magic she had on the water to make it ice cold. There weren't many trays in her house, but she picked the best one she could anyway and adorned it with a flourish of mint leaf. It still looked bare. She put a doyley underneath the jug and glass. Beautiful! She knew Master Malfoy would love her service. If only every day could be like this one.
"Lovely," Master Malfoy said when she bowingly handed over the tray to him. "Now leave. We have private business here."
"I is going! You is the best master!" she burst out, unable to contain herself. Master Severus glared at her, and Master Malfoy smiled widely. Evidently he thought the same thing. She felt ashamed of herself - her first priority should always be to the master of the house, not to guests, no matter how beautiful and rude and demanding they were. "But Master Severus is a wonderful man!"
"Hmm," master Malfoy said. "They're all so weird."
Tinks went out and shut herself in the linen closet to take deep breaths. She decided to cook Master Malfoy a feast. She would not stop at the cake. That would be very dull, indeed. She could bake cheese straws, lemon puffs, toad in the hole, chocolate éclairs, mouth-wateringly delicious raisin pastries, melt-in-the-mouth biscuits, coffee rosettes, oh maybe she could even bake a fruit cake with marzipan! She was already running through the ingredients she needed. From the moment the master and master Malfoy had apparated into the front room, looking very dirty, and Master Malfoy looking as if he'd been crying, she knew it would be a wonderful day. And he was so handsome! Master Severus was not handsome at all, she thought, before hitting her head against the wall for being disloyal. He had, she thought with a little giggle, a hook nose. Master Malfoy's nose was very central and pretty! She would make sure she cooked a chicken as well for him, and the vegetables, and Yorkshire puddings, and delicious gravy because he had such a lovely nose!
"Tinks!" she heard several hours later. It was master Malfoy, shouting her from the landing. "Tinks!"
She ran towards him, still covered in flour and raisins, arms outstretched. He wrinkled his nose and looked sour. "Why is my cake not ready?"
"But it is ready, master!" she shouted. "Tinks is leaving it to cool, but it is ready. I is baking lots of wonderful things for master Malfoy!"
"Ye-es" he said, and his smile seemed to slightly waver. "I really think one would do. It's not actually for me. Don't sway from my orders again."
"Tinks is proud to cook for you!" she continued wildly, losing her head slightly in the face of such terribly ungrateful behaviour. "Master Severus never asks Tinks to cook for him! Never cakes. Tinks is adoring cooking cakes."
"You're completely mad," master Malfoy said. "Look, just send the cake to this address, would you?" He handed her a much creased square of paper with an address in London written on it.
"There is no message?" Tinks said mournfully. "Tinks is maybe writing Happy Birthday?"
"If you want. As long as you can spell. I don't want him thinking I'm illiterate." master Malfoy said with a shrug. He appeared to deliberate for a moment. "Oh and put this on top." There was a little dragon on his outstretched palm. When Tinks moved to take it, it hissed. Master Malfoy gave a little laugh.
"I is - I is writing NOW!" she screeched, holding the dragon by it's miniscule foot and disappearing to the kitchen with a bang.
All the cooking she had done did not, in the end, go to waste.
About half an hour after she'd sent the cake to 12 Grimmauld Place, wherever that was, and to H. Potter, whomever they were, there was the sound of a loud, threatening row.
from the lounge. Master Malfoy was really screaming his head off, by the sounds of it, (although in a very charming, lovely way, she thought) and another voice was shouting even louder. She heard a few words that sounded like 'BLOODY CAKE MALFOY!'
"Master Malfoy!" she said, bursting in. "Master Severus! There is a meal waiting, sirs. Tinks is cooking a big chicken and is putting lots of nice things on it."
"Oh for God's sake!" she turned to look at the intruder who had spoken. It was mangey looking boy with glasses and black scruffy hair. She didn't like him at all. He was shouting at Master Malfoy and he was so angry his cheeks had gone red and his glasses were askew.
"Why don't you come and eat, Draco?" Master Severus said smoothly from the corner. "Potter, I suppose you are hell-bent on usurping my hospitality further?"
The intruder scowled. "I'm here to talk to Malfoy about the sodding cake."
Tinks was hurt. That was her sodding cake. "I is excusing myself," she said timidly, "but I is making that sodding cake and it is a very nice cake, I is thinking, and you is not happy with my service?" She looked downcast. "I is a bad elf. My cake is not good. I punish myself?"
"Oh," the intruder said awkwardly, "no, look, the cake itself was lovely. Really nice and moist, and...the cream was lovely, but it's more the principle of it that's the problem."
Master Severus's lips quirked. Tinks thought he was going to laugh, which was funny because Master Severus never laughed unless Tinks made him a lot of firewhisky and coffee first.
"I sent you a cake on your birthday, Potter," master Malfoy said scowling. "What's wrong with that?"
"You hate me!" the intruder shouted. "You - I don't think we're quite at the cake-exchanging level yet, Malfoy!"
"Whatever Potter, you're upsetting my house elf," master Malfoy said in the dismissive voice that gave Tinks funny little chills down her spine. His house elf! She felt deliriously proud to belong to such a man. "I'm going to eat now. Are you coming?"
"No!" the scruffy boy shouted. "No I'm bloody well not Malfoy! Have you lost your mind?"
"Is is making a lot of chicken!" Tinks said dolefully.
"See?" Master Malfoy said happily. "The elf has made enough for you anyway. Don't be a bore. Come and eat Potter."
The intruder shrugged and moved to the dining room, eyeing Tinks with suspicion.
"I shall take mine in the work room, Tinks, if you please," Master Severus said. "The company doesn't agree with me."
He moved away down the hall, his long black robes swishing ominously. Tinks thought that it was perfectly lovely when her master told her things like that.
"You've made rather a lot," master Draco said as he stared down at the table, piled high with vegetables, chicken and everything else that Tinks could think of. She had even cooked some rice, just in case that would be wanted. She had debated couscous, but decided that it wasn't likely it would be needed. She regretted it now; what if the intruder fantastically loved couscous and she had let master Draco's guest down? Tinks began to pile a plate high for Master Severus.
The intruder bit into a Yorkshire pudding he had doused in gravy. "This is nice," he said politely. "Malfoy, I'm still pissed about the cake. Why did you send it?"
"To wish you happy birthday."
"I have decided to end the animosity between us," master Malfoy said grandly. She didn't like to look at master Malfoy too closely; he was much too grand and wonderful and she was just a humble house elf. Her mother had taught her to fade into the background at dinners, and so as she discreetly picked up what the master of the house would want to eat, her magic wove around her a cloak of obscurity. She was barely distinguishable from the background now.
"But -" the intruder said. "But. Wh - err - we're... what?"
"Look," Master Malfoy said. "Potter. Don't you want some of this mint sauce?"
"No. I want answers."
"You could have them," Master Malfoy said, waving a serving spoon grandly, "on a bed of risotto. Or with a light cheese sauce to the side? Perhaps some Charlotte potatoes..."
"Quit changing the subject. Malfoy, I almost killed you a few weeks back. Do you really think that that sort of thing just goes away with a lemon cake?"
"I've almost killed you hundreds of times." Master Malfoy bit into a grape delicately. "Hmm. They're so good for clearing the palate."
Just before Tinks transferred herself to the workroom, she saw the intruder stand up and move as if he might strangle Master Malfoy. He was certainly making a very unhealthy sort of growling noise.
In the workroom, Master Severus was making something again. Tinks hated to see her master cooking, because he was very bad at it. There was billowing red smoke adn nasty fumes that made her eyes water. She hoped he wasn't going to eat whatever was in that dirty saucepan.
"I is bringing food," she said cheerfully, pointing towards the amply stuffed circle of food. "I is sure it is right."
"Good," master Severus said. He turned his eyes on her. "What is taking place in my dining room?"
"They is arguing about cake," Tinks said. Master Severus sighed mightily.
"A pointless exercise," he muttered, turning back to his black saucepan. "Go attend to them please Tinks. Tell them not to disturb me for several hours."
"I is glad to do it," she said matter-of-factly, travelling back to the dining room with a cracking sound. Once there, she was confronted with a very unwholesome sight. Master Malfoy was lying with his back on the sheepskin rug, making funny moaning sounds. The intruder was lying half on top of Master Malfoy, rubbing his lips against him, and whimpering, and his hands were pushing Master Malfoy right flat to the floor. Master Malfoy's hands were running through the mess of black hair, gripping it sharply, making the intruder give a screaming noise. Tinks thought she heard a noise like something unzipping and a very loud gasp. It looked very much as if they were fighting to her.
"Oh God," she heard Master Malfoy moan, and he pushed the intruder off him, gasping. "Get rid of the bloody elf! She's completely psychotic, Potter. Look! She's watching this! Voyeur elves. It's completely disgusting ...God what are you doing... oh, fuck yes...You! Leave!"
The intruder started to laugh into Master Malfoy's neck, and the noise was muffled and strange. Master Malfoy rolled him over so he was on top, and Tinks could see that the intruder was doing something underneath Master Malfoy's body, and whatever it was was a very successful way to make Master Malfoy happy, because he was jolting with pleasure, almost writhing off the ground.
She wondered if maybe she could find a way to do it too.
A/N: I wrote about house-elf voyeurs. Methinks I need to find a different hobby. R&R.