I had a crazy urge to write this at one in the morning. Another dialogue fic. Hope you like it.
Warning: This contains SLASH (boy/boy situations).
Disclaimer: All HP characters © J.K. Rowling.
"Hey, Moony?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Padfoot."
"Are you a virgin?"
"…"
"Remus?"
"Isn't that a little personal?"
"Er…you think so?"
"Yes."
"Oh…so are you?"
"Sirius!"
"What? I just want to know. I'm supposed to be your best friend."
"James is."
"Yeah, but so are you. I'd tell you if you asked."
"Okay…Sirius, are you a virgin?"
"…Sort of."
"Sort of? You either are or you aren't. There's no 'sort of.'"
"Well…I've never had sex. So I guess that means I'm still a virgin, huh?"
"So why did you say, 'sort of?'"
"…"
"Padfoot?"
"This bloke jerked me off once."
"Oh. Wait—bloke? Did I hear right? A bloke jerked you off? As in—a male?"
"Yeah."
"You're a—a—"
"Shirtlifter? Yeah…I guess I am. I mean—"
"I think 'homosexual' is the right term. Or 'gay.' 'Shirtlifter' is derogatory."
"Oh, Moony. Only you'd be so politically correct at a time when I'm confessing my sexuality."
"Sorry. Go ahead."
"Where was I?"
"At 'Shirtlifter? Yeah…I guess I am.'"
"Right. Shirtlifter? Yeah…I guess I am. I mean, we kind of snogged and stuff. And I liked it."
"Who was it?"
"This guy I met two summers ago on the trip to Spain."
"Oh. You never told me about him."
"I never told anyone."
"Not even Prongs?"
"Not even Prongs."
"So why are you telling me?"
"I don't know. I want you to know."
"Okay."
"Um…Moony?"
"Yes?"
"Are you mad?"
"No. Why?"
"You look sort of mad. I just thought—well, never mind."
"'Kay."
"Remus?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you a virgin?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever—you know—fooled around with anyone?"
"Not fooled around, really. Just snogged."
"Who?"
"Miranda Kingsley, Tonia Rose, Asha Patil."
"I didn't know about Asha. When was that?"
"A few weeks ago."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't like it."
"But—but Asha's got to be one of the prettiest girls at Hogwarts!"
"How would you know? You're a poof!"
"Doesn't mean I can't appreciate beauty."
"…"
"So why didn't you like it?"
"I don't know. My heart wasn't in it."
"Where was your heart?"
"Nowhere."
"You're lying to me."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are. I can tell."
"How can you tell?"
"You're playing with your hair. You always play with your hair when you lie. And you're blushing."
"I'm not blushing."
"Why did you kiss her then if your heart wasn't in it?"
"I don't know…wanted to forget, I guess."
"Forget what?"
"Things."
"What things?"
"Can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"I just can't. Drop it, will you?"
"Okay."
"…"
"Moony?"
"Yeah?"
"Would you want to die a virgin?"
"…"
"Remus?"
"That's an odd question."
"Just answer it."
"No, I wouldn't. Who would want to die a virgin?"
"A monk, maybe?"
"Maybe."
"What if the world were ending tomorrow? What would you do?"
"Mmm…die?"
"You just said you didn't want to die a virgin."
"Right. Then I guess I'd shag someone…if I could find someone to shag."
"Would you shag anyone?"
"Well…almost anyone, I guess. Though I'd prefer it if I liked that someone."
"Who do you like?"
"I don't like anyone—not like that. But I wouldn't shag Moaning Myrtle or anything."
"Not that you can. She's a ghost."
"Right. That, too."
"So who would you shag?"
"I don't know."
"Lily Evans?"
"Never."
"Why not?"
"I'd never do that to James, even if I do have to die a virgin."
"Miranda Kingsley?"
"No."
"Tonia Rose?"
"No."
"For someone who just claimed that he'd shag anyone, you're quite picky."
"Bite me."
"I'd rather not…right now. We'll save it for later, okay?"
"Sure."
"Asha Patil?"
"No."
"Peter?"
"Peter?"
"What? I'm just asking."
"No!"
"James?"
"No…well, maybe."
"Maybe?"
"You don't have to look so put out."
"I'm not put out. Just—why James?"
"You're the one who asked."
"But you said no to everyone else."
"So? I mean, if I had to shag someone, then I'd rather it be a friend."
"Peter's a friend."
"That's just creepy."
"You're right. So James is a maybe?"
"Yep."
"Even though he's a bloke?"
"I don't mind."
"Oh. Okay. Er…what about Gary Goldstein, then?"
"No."
"Frank Longbottom?"
"No."
"Justin Zabini?"
"No."
"Me?"
"…"
"Moony?"
"…"
"Moony?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah what?"
"Yeah, I'd shag you."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"…"
"So who would you shag if the world were ending tomorrow?"
"James…maybe."
"Oh."
"And you…preferably."
"What do you mean 'preferably?'"
"I mean…you'd be my first choice."
"Oh. Well, you'd me mine, too."
"…"
"…"
"Remus?"
"Huh?"
"What if the world weren't coming to an end tomorrow?"
"Well, the last time I checked, it wasn't. So that's not really much of a 'what-if' scenario."
"Would you still shag me?"
"…"
"Would you?"
"Would you?"
"…Yes."
"Me, too."
"…"
"…"
"So you want to snog or something?—What? Why are you grinning?"
"You have the least tact of anyone I know."
"Hey! I resent that."
"It's true, isn't it?"
"No. For your information, I took three weeks planning out this conversation."
"You planned this conversation?"
"Oops."
"Well?"
"Yes."
"And what, may I ask, was your intended purpose?"
"To snog you. Well—no, that's not what I meant. I wanted to tell you I like you…and see if you like me back."
"You like me?"
"Duh! That's been the entire point of the conversation! Thanks for paying attention, Moony."
"…"
"Sorry."
"It's okay. So…you said something about snogging?"
"Yes. Me. You. Broom closet. Right now."
"Bite me."
"Actually, I think that can be arranged."
"Mmm…I'd like that."
"…"
"…"
"…Ungh…Moony?"
"…Mmm…yeah?"
"Your hand's on my butt."
"I know."
"Okay. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't feeling things."
"Do you feel that?"
"Oh! Mmm…oooooo…yeah…"
"Good."
"I love—"
"Shhh."
"But—"
"Later."
"Okay."
"…"
"…"
"I love you, too."