SNAPE'S DIARY (where things are not as they seem)
NOTE - People do have different ideas as to when the Harry Potter books take place. However, using the formula of Sir Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington's cake, we discover that the year Harry starts Hogwarts is in fact 1991.
DISCLAIMER - All characters and magical places/objects mentioned are courtesy of the brilliant master-mind, JK Rowling.
RATING - PGR/T, Contains Foul Language, Content that May Disturb and Sexy Scenes.
WARNING - Spoilers for all of the Harry Potter Books published thus far.
CHAPTER ONE - Year One, Regarding the events of the philosopher's (yes the philosopher's) stone.
AUGUST 35, 1991. Mood: Aggravated.
Writing in new Live-journal.
Accidentally dropped old diary in my cauldron of The Draught of Living Death and so bought a nifty new muggle "laptop" instead. Will try not to drop it in cauldron.
Still haven't gotten over the fact that I managed to simultaneously ruin old diary and plans of poisoning the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.
No asphodel left in supply cupboard to make another batch.
May have to take manly approach instead, ie, Avada Kedavra.
Potter-child starting Hogwarts this year. Fuck. That brings back bad memories.
SEPTEMBER 01, 1991. Mood: Bouncy.
First Day of Hogwarts this year begins.
Had a feast.
Not much available that my strict vegan diet allows. Need to watch my figure.
Saw the Potter-Child. Dislike intensely.
Met the new defense against dark arts teacher. Suspicious of motives. Have reasons to believe that he has a Dark Lord on his head.
Teacher's after-party alright. Performed lap-dance for Dumbledore.
SEPTEMBER 06, 1991. Mood: Abusive.
Got my first taste of Potter-child today. Little bastard. Dislike even more. Scolded for no reason, which was immensely enjoying, if only temporary.
Dumbledore warned me that killing my students will result in career dispatch. Damn.
Student Granger rather annoying. Draco a little angel.
SEPTEMBER 13, 1991. Mood: Nauseous.
Absolutely sickening. Potter child is to be only first-year seeker in a century.
Will go bury head in pile of dragon shit.
OCTOBER 31, 1991. Mood: Celabrative.
Hallowe'en. It was jolly-fun putting up the decorations, I must say. Rather a gay time.
Someone set mountain troll on students. How fun. Unfortunately it failed to dispatch Granger.
Tried to get Weasley, Potter and Granger expelled instead. failed. Determined not to let this hinder my party-mood.
NOVEMBER 8, 1991. Mood: Depressed.
Was walked in on by Potter-idiot when I was having a rather lovely moment with Filch in the staffroom. Covered it up with the bloody-leg trick.
Tried to go through the third corridor on the right-hand side. Was faced by a three headed dog. Must find out how to pass it before Quirrel does.
In other news, Lucius stole my Sisters of Mercy hoodie. Am going to sit in dungeon and cut myself.
NOVEMBER 9, 1991. Mood: Thoughtful.
Quidditch. Slytherin was beaten today by Gryffindor. First time in years. Will have a talk to my Quidditch team, am most bitterly disappointed by this loss.
Potter could not control his broom, of course everyone would think i jinxed it because i hate him. Not true, as much as I would like it to be. However, he managed to catch the snitch by almost swallowing it. Wish he choked.
Granger lit my knickers on fire during the match. Was rather turned on.
Am having more and more suspicions about Quirrel's motives. Not only does he wear a horrid turban in the most awful shade of purple, but I caught him picking his nose the other day with his wand.
Will confront him.
May order him to strip and make sure there are no Dark Lords on his person before I bump him off.
DECEMBER 25, 1991. Mood: Contemplative.
Decorated the christmas tree last night with Minerva. Am not particularly looking forward to christmas as i get hardly any presents. Sometimes Dumbledore will come down my chimney and try to make me feel better. This year he requested me to his office instead. Thought I was in trouble for going a bit over-board with taking points off Gryffindor, but he only wanted me to wear a party-hat and gave me a christmas present, a Hello Kitty pencil case and a bag of sherbet lemon sweets. Was rather touched.
Have run out of Prozac. Need to replenish supplies.
FEBRUARY the (wot the hell is it?)th, Mood: Angry.
Refereed Quidditch match today, Hufflepuff against Gryffindor. Dumbledore instructed me to make sure the Potter-Child's broom doesn't get all jerky again.
Despite my favouring Hufflepuff during refereeing the match, Gryffindor won.
Played hanky-panky with Quirrel in the forbidden forest in attempt to liven spirits. Was caught by Potter before I could remove Quirrel's turban.
That child deserves a good whack.
JUNE 1st, 1992. Mood: Suspicious/Depressed.
Excuse my lack of updates. Have been busy stalking certain people.
Harry is up to something. So is Quirrel.
Have a feeling that they are up to something together.
Am feeling left out. Nobody loves me. Not even Mrs Norris. Why don't I just kill myself.
JUNE 17, 1992. Mood: Depressed.
Well its all over and they did it without me. Harry killed Quirrel and thus Voldemort, before I could stop it.
Gryffindor won the house cup. Mcgonagall very smug.
Potter very egotistical.
Am determined to make sure next year is a better one for Slytherin.
If I don't drown myself first.
-The Half-blood Loser