A/N: A three-part short. I know this chapter's kinda boring, but I promise it'll get much better! It's been in the works since "Letters from Pegasus." I wanted it to take place after "The Siege," so I waited until the new season, and then it required a total rewriting because Ford was a major character. But I'm sure you don't care, so without further ado, here's the Kavanaugh-bashing fic you've all been waiting for:
Phase 1: Gathering the Troops
"I say we just throw him off a balcony."
Elizabeth Weir stopped dead in her tracks outside McKay's lab. Half-horrified, half-curious, she crouched down and silently crept up to the doorway, listening intently to the conversation going on inside.
"But that's not nearly humiliating enough," Sheppard countered.
"Screw humiliating him, let's just do him in and be done with it. Besides, no one will ever find a body that way," Rodney continued.
Weir heard the scrape of a chair, indicating the colonel uneasily shuffling away from the astrophysicist. "You really scare me sometimes, McKay."
"You are lucky," Zelenka piped up. "You do not have to take orders from him."
"Well, I still don't think we should stoop as low as murder. After all, we'd become felons and likely be shipped back to Earth to serve life in prison," John reasoned.
Elizabeth couldn't hear what Rodney said next, but she could have sworn he'd muttered, "It'd still be worth it."
"Why not just shove him into a suspended animation pod for a few thousand years?" Radek suggested.
"Or expose him to the nanite virus!"
"What did I tell you about murder, Rodney? And Zelenka, remember, we're aiming for humiliation here," Sheppard reminded the other two.
"I notice you're not coming up with any brilliant suggestions," McKay snapped.
"Hey, I was all for stringing him up by his ankles from the stargate, but you were the one who had to get all homicidal on me and add the incoming wormhole!"
"I liked the idea with the puddlejumper 'accidentally' running out of power while in orbit," Zelenka said in a wistful voice.
"But he doesn't have the gene and we wouldn't want to trap some poor pilot in the jumper alone with the bastard," the colonel said in a bored voice.
In spite of herself, Weir couldn't help but smile at the three's plotting. Amateurs, all of them. She decided to show them how you really planned a payback. Standing up, she cleared her throat loudly in the doorway and cheerily greeted, "Gentlemen."
McKay, Zelenka, and Sheppard all turned around, an identical looks on each of their faces of terrified deer being caught in the headlights of a particularly large, speeding Mack truck. She flashed them a sunny smile and their eyes grew even wider, if that was possible. Radek and Rodney began to edge out of their seats to get better footing on the floor in case a mad dash for their lives was necessary.
John recovered first. "Elizabeth," he acknowledged, clearing his throat.
"Rodney, John, I've been looking for you everywhere. Your radios are turned off. Didn't you two remember the mission briefing we were supposed to have an hour ago?" she asked pointedly.
Taking this as an excellent exit cue, McKay scrambled out of his chair. "Oh, we must've lost track of time. We should be getting going. Colonel, why don't we--"
"Yes, excellent idea," Sheppard fervently agreed, jumping up from his seat. Zelenka looked up at the other two desperately, not wanting to face the wrath of Weir alone.
Fortunately for Radek, Elizabeth cut short their escape. "What were you doing that was so important you forgot about your mission?" God these were the moments when she loved her job.
"We were—we just--" stammered Rodney.
Radek came to his rescue. "We were discussing strategies in hand-to-hand combat with the Wraith!"
"Is that so?" she asked skeptically. The men put on unconvincing smiles and nodded. "Then why, pray tell, would you want to humiliate a Wraith rather than kill it?"
It was John who spoke up this time. "Well, if we wanted to capture a Wraith for, uh, scientific purposes, then it'd be of no use to us dead."
"I see…" she said, arching an eyebrow.
After a short pause, McKay turned to the colonel. "We should..." he began, pointing to the exit.
"Yes, let's," John agreed. The two made for the door.
"I'll come!" Zelenka called frantically, starting to stand up.
"Stay where you are, all of you!" Weir commanded harshly. The others cringed and returned to where they'd been sitting before. "So who were you really talking about?" she darkly asked, even though she already knew. Come on…who didn't feel that way about him?
"Kavanaugh," the all answered in unison, spitting the name like it was something foul-tasting.
"I am appalled at you three!" Weir scolded. They looked down in shame, their faces growing ever redder. "I'd expect you to have more maturity than resorting to trapping Dr. Kavanaugh in a stasis pod, or-or-or hanging him upside down from the stargate!" McKay and Sheppard were slouching over further with every word, and Radek had slid almost all the way out of the chair, trying to make himself as small as possible.
"He deserves something much more sinister than that," Elizabeth continued. This caught the men's attention. They all snapped up, staring at her with a mixture of confusion and relief.
"So that means you--" McKay started in amazement.
"Oh yes. That bastard's been a pain in my ass as much as he has been in yours." The three looked quite impressed. None of them had ever heard Dr. Weir use that much profanity when talking about a person. Hell, none of them had ever heard her use that much profanity period!
Elizabeth smiled thinly. She didn't use revenge very often, frankly it wasn't her style, but damn it felt good! Oh, did she have a plan. It had been in the works since shortly after the puddlejumper-stuck-in-the-gate business. It made her giggle just thinking about it.
"So here's my idea…"