A/N: Well, I finally came up with something devious enough for the ending. This was so much fun to write! And now this story's been nominated for a Stargate Fan Award! I'm so honored, and I owe it all to you guys. Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews (and nominates!), YOU GUYS ALL MAKE MY DAY! Perhaps more Kavanaugh bashing is in order in the future…
The chapter title quote is by Sir Thomas Browne.
Phase 3: "Women do most delight in revenge."
He'd finally had it. The last straw. He couldn't take another minute of it.
Kavanaugh stormed into Weir's office, making a great show of impatience by crossing his arms and tapping his foot. However, she paid this little heed, looking up from her laptop with clear disinterest.
She opened her mouth to acknowledge his presence, but he cut her off. "I'm taking you up on your offer."
"I'm sorry, Dr. Kavanaugh?" she asked innocently, pretending she didn't know what he was talking about.
"I'm taking you up on you offer," he repeated sullenly. "A year ago you told me you would send me to, quote, 'a very lonely planet where I can be as self-important as I want to be,' unquote. I don't care where I go, as long as it's anywhere but here."
"That wasn't an offer so much as a threat," she reminded him harshly.
Kavanaugh's glare clearly read, Too bad. "Well you said you were being serious. I'm sick of all that I have to put up with here, I'm sick of constantly being painted as the scapegoat for all our problems, and most of all, I'm sick of people who treat me like some sort of village idiot!"
Weir blinked, surprised that, "and I'm sick of you," hadn't been added to that list. After an emphatic pause, she skeptically drawled, "Okaaaay…you're going to have to give me some reasons why you want to leave Atlantis. I'm not about to authorize your leaving without sufficient--"
He didn't even let her finish, just plowed right in. "For one think, I can't stand Dr. McKay. He…"
Kavanaugh droned on…and on… and on… Elizabeth's eyes glazed over as she thought, It's a pity we can't just throw him on some planet and leave him there for good instead of letting him come back.
"…so is that reason enough for you?" he finished several minutes later.
Elizabeth shook herself out of her trance. "Hmm? Oh, yes."
Kavanaugh blinked a few times. "Really?" he asked hopefully. He didn't actually think Weir would agree to it. What luck!
She heaved a great, theatrical sigh. "Well, if you seriously feel that way…"
"Which I do!"
"…then I'd rather have you..."
He didn't even stay to hear her complete the statement or find out where his was going, very nearly skipping out of the room (a thoroughly disturbing sight…). She very nearly burst out laughing then and there. The sucker suspected nothing.
Word about Kavanaugh's departure spread through the city like wildfire, generally accepted as the best thing to ever happen to any of them. It wasn't long before the news reached the ears of Colonel Stephen Caldwell, just arriving on the Daedelus.
Shortly after finding out, he strode into Weir's office and stood in front of her desk. "Dr. Weir, am I hearing right that you are allowing an expedition member, a Dr. Nigel Kavanaugh to leave the city and live on a planet on his own?" he asked with an air of accusation.
"Yes, that's correct," she replied, almost brightly.
"Normally I wouldn't authorize this," he said stiffly, frowning.
"Trust me," Elizabeth assured, "This will solve a lot of problems."
The colonel arched an eyebrow. "Dr. Kavanaugh has done nothing but complain, as far as I can see. I do not want to have to deal with more of his griping about your command decisions and irresponsibility. Frankly, what you're doing doesn't do much to dispel his claims."
She smiled thinly. "Colonel, I'm sure you won't have to deal with Kavanaugh complaining for a while after this," she said dryly, handing him a report.
Caldwell scanned it quickly. As he read, the barest hints of a smile reached his face. He gave the report back, said, "Good day, doctor," and left.
Two hours later, Kavanaugh stepped through the stargate without looking back once.
As soon as the wormhole deactivated, everyone in Atlantis let out a simultaneous cheer.
Standing in the control room, Weir watched him leave, a small, triumphant smirk on her face. When she turned around, she saw all three of her co-conspirators staring at her slack jawed.
"Wow," was all McKay managed to spit out. The others nodded in agreement.
"What?" she asked, acting like she had no idea what they were so amazed about.
"What a plan," John complimented.
Elizabeth beamed. "Thank you, John. I've been working on it for quite some time; I just never thought I'd get the chance to use it."
"I never thought that he'd actually fall for it. He didn't suspect a thing!" Rodney gaped, finally managing to find his voice.
"Why didn't my plans for getting rid of him ever work that well?" Zelenka mused darkly.
"We're never going to have to deal with him again!" McKay cheered.
"Well, Rodney, I hate to burst your bubble, but I think we'll bee seeing Kavanaugh back here very soon…"
The three men looked crestfallen.
"We are?" Radek asked, sounding as if his birthday had been cancelled.
Weir motioned for men to come over to the dialing computer. They leaned in and looked at the set of symbols for the planet where they had sent Kavanaugh.
Sheppard recognized the address first. "Is that…?"
"That's the one."
Zelenka stared at it a little longer, and then realization dawned. "Oh!" He looked between the dialing computer and Elizabeth, an expression somewhere between awe and hilarity on his face. "Zatracený!" he swore, clearly impressed.
"What? Where is that? What am I missing here?" Rodney asked, the only one left out of the loop.
Elizabeth told him.
The thought on the men's minds at that moment was, Damn, she's good.
For almost eight hours, the stargate remained inactive. Those eight hours were generally credited as the best (and quietest) time the Atlantis expedition had ever seen.
Eventually, the techie called over the intercom, "Incoming wormhole." A few seconds later, he reported, "Receiving Dr. Kavanaugh's IDC."
Elizabeth heard the groan from everyone in the control room clearly from her office. She however, was not disappointed at the return. Oh, was this going to be good.
The barely-recognizable figure stomped (or rather, squished) straight from the gateroom amid stifled giggles into Weir's office. She continued to look down at her laptop, pretending not to notice the figure's wet entrance. Ah, the sweet smell of victory…or could it have been the smell of swamp water?
The figure sloshed its way up to her desk so she could no longer ignore its presence. Savoring the moment, she looked slowly upwards...
…and very nearly lost her calm composure in a fit of hysterical laughter.
Kavanaugh was covered from head to toe in a green slime that appeared to be some sort of pond scum. His glasses were askew and one of the lenses was cracked beyond repair. What used to be an Atlantis jacket was now barely held-together tatters of grey and blue fabric. Basically, he looked like hell. And he looked really, really furious.
Fortunately, Elizabeth was much better at controlling her laughter than a certain Canadian Chief Scientific Officer. She seamlessly changed her expression to one of surprise.
"Dr. Kavanaugh, you're back" she intoned obviously. "What hap--?"
"M1M-316," Kavanaugh spat, interrupting her question.
"Yes, that's where I sent you," she replied evenly. She pulled up a report on her laptop and pretended to scan it. "Sergeant Stackhouse scouted it out about three months ago. Uninhabited, lush surroundings, no sign of the Wraith..."
"What you failed to tell me was that we had scouted this planet as a potential Alpha Site. Do you know why we didn't use it?"
"Enlighten me," Elizabeth said, clasping her hands together on the desk in front of her.
"Because it just happens to be the habitat of a family of cranky Tyrannosaurus rex!"
Weir put on flabbergasted look, as if this had been news to her. "Really?" she asked.
Kavanaugh scowled loudly. "Yes, really!" When this drew no reaction, he continued. "Not even an hour after I arrived on the planet, as I was setting up camp, I stumbled onto a nest of eggs. Not suspecting that anything was amiss," at this he shot Weir an even nastier glower than the one he was already wearing, "I naturally went to examine them. When I was done, I walked into a forest, when I was suddenly dashing for my life from the insane mother dinosaur!" He did not notice Elizabeth's quiet cough to cover her laughter, and plowed onward. "I only barely escaped with my life, and then was completely lost, so I spent the ensuing five hours wandering around in a swamp trying to hide from the mother, and make my way back to the gate!"
He went on for a minute or so more, detailing how as he was dialing the gate he nearly became a meal again, this time for both the mother and the father, and only escaped because apparently the dinosaurs didn't like their meat flavored with swamp muck. When he finished his monologue, Elizabeth's eyes clearly showed little sympathy, her face a stony mask saying, And what do you expect me to do about this? The two had a stare-off for a second or two, before Kavanaugh began blinking furiously, swamp water having dripped into his eyes.
As he viciously rubbed at the irritation, she said neutrally, "Well, you did ask to be sent off world, and you wanted an uninhabited planet…"
He froze. "So now this is my fault?" he hissed icily. Suddenly, he was hit with the sense that the cranky female dinosaur wasn't the only woman attempting to do him in today.
She allowed herself a grin that was just barely condescending. "I seem to recall you running out of my office before I could give you any information on the planet you were sent to."
He blustered for a second, and then realized that she was completely correct. But he was not going to let this go down without a fight. "I'm not the one whose ignorance of the planet led to a bad remake of 'Jurassic Park', Doctor." He emphasized the title, as if her PhD was not as intelligent as his.
Now sufficiently angered, Weir swooped in for the kill. "Doctor Kavanaugh," she used the same emphasis to highlight his own ignorance, "I do believe that you have been unhappy with each new development since you arrived in Atlantis. Even when you get your way, it is not to your liking. Now, this leads me to believe that either you are purposely trying to land those you don't like into trouble, or you are simply complaining to ensure that no one will ever confuse you with someone with an IQ over 100! Obviously, this incident was unforeseen, but you brought it on yourself. You wanted to go off world, you didn't care where you went, you were the one who aggravated the dinosaur." She paused for a second, allowing this to sink in. Then, in a deceptively calm tone, she nearly whispered, "Now what do you expect me to do about it?"
Kavanaugh was utterly blown away by this harangue. He tried for a biting response, but none came out. He couldn't even manage a 'This still isn't over' sneer.
She smiled thinly. All of a sudden, she whipped out a stopwatch and pressed the button. She turned around in her chair, calling, "Seven hours, thirty six minutes, and twenty five seconds."
Kavanaugh frowned, blinking owlishly. What was that about?
Suddenly, a voice with a thick Czech accent cheered, "Yes!" Then, Sheppard, McKay, and Zelenka all burst out of Elizabeth's storage closet, quickly disentangling themselves. Zelenka, apparently victorious, began waving about a slip of paper with "5 hours, 45 minutes" written on it, grinning triumphantly.
McKay sulked and stared at his own piece of paper. "I could have sworn he'd just last an hour!"
Sheppard shrugged. "I only gave him thirty minutes."
"Looks like you won Radek," Weir said resignedly, but with a small smile. "I guessed three and a half hours."
"You—you—you knew what was on the planet! You were betting on how long I'd be gone! You did this all on purpose!"
She turned back around and faced the thoroughly flabbergasted and gaping Kavanaugh. "I have no idea what you're talking about, doctor," she said, perfectly straight-faced. "I expect a full report on my desk tomorrow morning."
Curiously enough, Kavanaugh didn't complain about Weir, McKay, Zelenka, or Colonel Sheppard for many weeks afterward, and soon applied for transfer to the Daedelus. No one could say they were surprised.