Title: How to Recognize an Uchiha

Author: WolfPilot06

Pairings: SasuNaru, ItaNaru

Warnings: Shonen ai, silliness, OOCness

Notes: Naruto's guide on how to recognize an Uchiha. This is really just a bit of crack, because I suddenly began wondering why the Uchiha all wear high collars. Hee.


There are several ways, Naruto has learned, to recognize an Uchiha.

These are observations he has made over the years – things he's happened to notice from being on the same team as one of the two remaining Uchiha and things he's been forced to notice from being chased by the other remaining Uchiha. Now, to most, these observations really don't matter, seeing as the Uchiha clan is well and dead, but Naruto finds that these simple rules are essential for any Konoha shinobi to know – if only so they can give him a forewarning if either of these two errant Uchiha ever enter Konoha in search of him again.

First and foremost – the Uchiha are obsessed with symbols. Whether it's their own clan symbol – the red and white fan – or white-lined, abstract scarlet clouds, every single article of their clothing seems to be adorned with it. Also, they like wearing black and dark blue, which is, Naruto thinks, a very depressing color choice. So, if one sees a man wearing black or blue clothing with red and white symbols on it, it is a sign to start looking for the other characteristics that mark the Uchiha.

Secondly, the Uchiha all (both) have the distinctive Sharingan bloodline limit, a scary apparition involving both eyes turning red and sprouting extra comma-shaped pupils. Naruto has been the unlucky target of this creepy-looking bloodline limit several times before, and has come out of each experience wishing that the Hyuuga clan had thought to end their mutant byline long before the side clan could have reared its homicidal and psychotic children. Sure, it grants its user neato powers and allows them to develop an almost psychic awareness of the opponent's movements, and at its ultimate level – the Mangekyou – grants its user access to a really powerful and kick-ass genjutsu technique, but still – it creeps Naruto out.

Thirdly, the Uchiha all seem to have an obsession with wearing high-necked collars. Naruto is secretly convinced that this is because they are all incredibly self-conscious about their chins, but after observing the Aburame clan – which shares this strange trait and adds a pair of small, round sunglasses on top of that – he thinks it also might be due to the Uchiha's natural flair for melodrama. They really like flashy entrances, Naruto thinks sourly, which usually involve huge explosions and property damage, followed by lots of Meaningful Silences and Significant Looks, usually all directed towards Naruto.

Fourthly, Naruto is beginning to think that all the Uchiha are gay. Really, it has nothing to do with the fact that they all seem unhealthily obsessed with him in one way or another, but has more to do with little things – like their girly hair styles and that little hand flop they do when beckoning someone closer. Naruto will never, ever forget the way Sasuke gave him the picture autographed by Yuki, all petulant and floppy as if Sasuke was put out by Naruto's focusing his attentions on the movie star instead of him.

And lastly, though not the least important characteristic by far, each and every Uchiha – all two of them – has a perverted interest in Naruto's ass. Yes, that's right, Naruto's ass. Naruto has long ago learned to look past their blustering claims of interest in the Kyuubi or suchlike, because really, he may be stupid, but he's not blind, deaf or dumb. He knows that there's no way that pinching his butt will release the Kyuubi, no matter how many times Itachi does it – and he never sees him do it, but he can always see that little smirk not-quite hidden by the collar of Itachi's black, red-and-white cloud adorned cloak after he feels a definitive pain in his backside. And for all that Sasuke was Naruto's teammate and was supposed to watch his back for him, Naruto's quite sure that that didn't mean literally watching his back and lower, because how was Sasuke supposed to see enemy shinobi that way? Ever since Sasuke left Konoha, Naruto has had a paranoid feeling that someone is watching him bathe and shower, and has since taken to installing curtains over his bathroom window. Still, he can feel eyes on his adorable and lovable butt, and he's contemplating asking Neji if maybe the Sharingan can't see through walls, too.

So – so Naruto has told his friends what he's observed, and he's asked them to look out for dark-haired, creepy-eyed, high-collar-wearing, gay-looking, Naruto-ass-watching people, because for all that they know what Sasuke looks like, he might have changed in some way or another, and not all of them have had the unfortunate pleasure of making Itachi's acquaintance.

Because really, Naruto's beginning to be a little jumpy and schizophrenic about the entire affair, and he keeps seeing Uchihas popping out of the bushes and following him, and he's absolutely certain he's not just seeing things.

So please, he tells his friends, remember how to recognize an Uchiha – because it may just save his virtue one day.


End the crack!


coughs guiltily and slinks away