Okay. I'm really sorry about this one, particularly to any writer other than myself it may be based on. It's just a laugh and not meant to be offensive.

I was just reading a few fanfics when this one struck me. I couldn't help but write it, and so I thought I might as well share it with you.


Vimes slammed the door behind him in a thankfull manner. His shirt was buttoned up wrong, his hair was messed up and he'd lost his helmet. "Gods. It happened again."

"What is it?" asked Carrot, scratching his head a little before running some more flea tonic into his scalp.

"Vetinari. I don't know what's come over him all of a sudden, and I don't know why I fall for it every time, either. He summons me over, as usual, I tell him how the Watch is going, and just before I leave he pulls me close for a very passionate snog." He grimaced. "And I don't know if it's the heat of the moment or something, but I never seem to be able to pull away."

"Perhaps you love him?" asked Angua innocently.

"No!" he exclaimed, and then realized the impression which could be given by this quick and overly enthusiastic answer. "No, of course I don't," he answered in a slightly calmer manner. "I'm not into men. But for some reason, lately..." He stopped himself before he started thinking about it again. It was painfull to think about it.

"I know what you mean, sir," said Carrot. "I've turned into a werewolf about three times now, twice from Angua biting me and once from me choosing to do so out of my own free will." He shook his head. "I don't know why I did it that time. Suddenly I just had this strange urge. Like it wasn't me any more." He blushed a little at sharing this peculiar piece of information.

"Nobby's still in that house," said Angua. "And Dibbler's making a new thing at the moving pictures hall about shoving celebreties on an island and encouraging them to make love with each other."

"Oh yes. What was it called again?"

"Erm... 'Like Older Sibbling But More Sex', I think it was."

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "It doesn't make sense. For the earlier part of my career I spent time fighting dragons, recruiting clay men and being chased by werewolves, but suddenly I've just become a pair of walking lips to be used as any man feels suitable." Suddenly, without warning, his eyes glazed over. "...Carrot..." he whispered. "...Have I ever told you that I..."

Angua had seen this before, and acting under previously given instructions she stepped forward and gave him a sharp slap across the face. She continued doing so until he stopped looking at Carrot in that way.

"All better, sir?" she asked after a thorough beating.

"In a sense," he answered, rubbing his burning red cheek. "Thanks for that, Angua."

"Anytime." She rubbed her hand a little. "Look on the bright side, sir. You could have it worse. Last time I saw that wizard Rincewind he appeared to be dating his walking trunk."


After a moments thought, Vetinari steepled his fingers. "Drumknott?"

"Yes sir?"

"Summon Commander Vimes again. I'm in a rather odd mood."

The End

I'm never going to hear the end of this one.