(Disclaimer: I don't own the Titans, the Fructis brand of hair products, tie-dye, or pretty much anything else. I do have a nice shiny nickel, though. So shiny!)
-Chapter One: On Mary Sues-
"Titans! GO!" Robin shouted, and the Titans surrounded Cinderblock, each waiting for an opening to strike. Suddenly, a shadow blocked out the sun for a moment and a city bus fell out of the sky, landing on top of Cinderblock and trapping him under several tons of twisted metal. The Titans looked up in shock to see where the bus had come from, and saw a mysterious girl hovering several hundred feet above their heads, her hands on her hips, a triumphant smile on her face.
How might I describe this mysterious girl? Begin by imagining a typical teenaged fan fiction author girl. Now extrapolate from that in the direction of prettier and, inevitably, skinnier. And no glasses, braces, acne, or whatever else said author girl might not like about her appearance. And she's also instantly, impossibly popular wherever she goes for no discernable reason whatsoever—maybe people can just immediately see how perfect she is or something. She certainly doesn't have any of those inconvenient little negative character traits, like, oh, say, fallibility. Oh, and her hair? It's just…just…wow. That's really all I can say. I don't know how or why her hair is so great, it just is. It's like she's right out of a shampoo commercial. It's all long, and shiny, and…and just so…so…words fail me. And colourful? Man, just think about your favourite colour—it doesn't matter which it is—her hair is that colour. Now, think of another colour, your second favourite—it's that colour, too. Like tie-dye. Or maybe she can control her hair colour or something, so it can be any colour she wants at any given moment. I don't know. Or maybe she's just a normal brunette or blonde, but even so she's still like, the perfect brunette or blonde. Either way, her hair is just awesome. So awesome, in fact, that mortal minds could never even dream of comprehending its awesomeness. It's like the Platonic form of hair, torn from the realm of ideas and manifested on her head. And strong, too—no nasty split ends for this girl, man, no way. You know that Fructis commercial, where that guy ties that girl's hair to a railing as a joke, and she just tears the railing right out with her hair? Yeah, it's like that strong. Stronger, even. She could, like, pull a train with her hair. Maybe a couple of trains. But it's still, like, totally soft and silky and just…oh, man. Shit, you gotta see this girl's hair, man.
Anyway, as I was saying, this mysterious girl and her incredible hair slowly descended towards the Titans. As she landed in their midst, she spoke.
"Greetings, Titans! I have come to join you out of the middle of nowhere!" she cried. "Now accept me immediately for no apparent reason!"
"Um…no?" Robin quavered uncertainly.
"Why, of course, I would love to come live with you in your tower!" the mysterious, amazing-haired girl exclaimed. "How nice of you to offer!"
"Um…I said no," Robin stated, much more firmly this time.
"Well, then lead the way to…wait, what?" the girl with the hair said, her train of thought apparently having been tragically broken by the unfortunate intrusion of reality.
"I said no," Robin repeated. The girl was utterly flabbergasted. So was her hair.
"What? B-but I'm…I'm…" she stuttered indignantly. "I'm…me! How could you refuse me? I mean, just look at my hair!"
Robin cocked an eyebrow at the hair remark, as did the rest of the Titans (in eerie unison, by the way), but chose to ignore it for now.
"Well, see, ever since that whole Terra…err…issue, we've been kind of wary about bringing new members onto the team full-time," Robin explained. "Especially ones who we've never met before and whose names we don't even know."
"Oh, is that all?" the mysterious behaired girl cried. "Easily remedied! My name is…Amaranillia Starchild-Lightbringer!"
The Titans just stared, their mouths hanging open.
"It's hyphenated!" Amaranillia proclaimed, as though she was letting them in on some big secret. The Titans just continued to stare.
"Please just call me Amara!" the girl added, grinning widely. The Titans, once again, merely continued to stare. After several seconds of uncomfortable silence, Amara cleared her throat nervously.
"So, now that you know who I am, feel free to invite me to stay with you forever!" she cried, and then grinned triumphantly again. Robin just sighed.
"No, no, that's not really the issue here," he said. "Just knowing your name is not nearly enough for us to trust you. We need to get to know you better first."
"Especially when your name is so damn silly," Raven muttered.
"Oh? Well, then, ask me any questions you like!" Amara exclaimed, ignoring Raven and continuing to grin.
"No, no, you still don't get it," Robin said, attempting to remain as calm as possible. "If trust is still an issue, then for all we know any answers you give us could just be lies. We could put you on the honoraries roster and call you in every once in a while over the next few months to feel out how…"
"Questions! Ask! Now!" Amara screamed, her grin widening well beyond the point of sanity. Robin sighed again, and looked at the other Titans, who shrugged.
"We don't have anything else to do today," Cyborg admitted.
"Okay, whatever," Robin muttered, and turned back to Amara, who was still grinning like a maniac. "Well, to start, what superpowers do you have? You obviously have them, since you dropped that bus on Cinderblock, so what are they?"
"Oh, all of them," Amara replied.
"Yes, of course I want to know all of them," Robin spat, becoming increasingly exasperated with every passing second. "Knowing just some of your superpowers wouldn't do me much good, would it?"
"Oh, no, you misunderstand," Amara explained. "My superpowers are all of them."
"What?" Robin asked, his exasperation suddenly being overtaken by incredulousness.
"I have all the superpowers," Amara stated.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Robin groaned. Exasperation retook the lead, but incredulousness was still a very close second, and a violent outburst was coming up fast on the inside.
"No, no, really!" Amara cried. "Try me!"
"Fine," Robin growled, gritting his teeth. "Can you fly?"
"Of course," Amara replied.
"Heat vision? X-ray vision?"
"Yes and yes."
"How about energy blasts from your hands?"
"Can you turn into animals?" Beast Boy piped up.
"Absolutely," Amara replied.
"Telepathy? Empathy?" Raven asked.
"Yes to both."
"Okay, what about teleportation, telekinesis, and pyrokinesis?" Raven continued.
"Yes, yes, and yes."
"How about an enhanced intellect and a sonic cannon?" Cyborg asked.
"Well, I don't have a sonic cannon," Amara admitted. "But I can project sonic energy from my vocal chords, so I don't really need a sonic cannon. And my I.Q. is, like, three hundred or something like that."
"Okay, how about mastery of the martial arts?" Robin threw out, rejoining the fray.
"Again, all of them," Amara shot back. "You name a martial art, I've mastered it."
"How about the ability to change your skin into some kind of organic steel armour?" Robin asked.
"Oh, yeah," Amara replied. "I haven't used that one lately, being invulnerable and all, but I can do it."
"What about retractable metal claws?"
"A healing factor? Enhanced senses?"
"Magnetic powers? General shapeshifting, not just to animals?"
"Elemental powers, like control over wind, stone, water, fire, and electricity?"
"I have all of those, too."
"Control over the weather?"
"Can you spin straw into gold?" Starfire inquired loftily. The others turned to stare at her.
"Dude, Rumplestiltskin was a superhero?" Beast Boy asked.
"More like a supervillain, man," Cyborg said. "I mean, first-born son as payment for services rendered? That's just mean."
"Bah, that dumb bitch knew what she was getting into," Raven interjected, waving her hand dismissively.
"Quiet!" shouted Starfire, and the other Titans could have sworn they heard a whip crack as she pointed dramatically at Amara. "Answer the question, potential new friend!"
"Um, yeah, yeah, I can do that," Amara answered. "Although, with the market being what it is now, it's usually more profitable to spin it into uranium instead."
"Let me get this straight," Cyborg said slowly. "You can spin straw into uranium?"
"Yeah, I can turn anything into any element I want," Amara explained. "I'd turn some concrete into Einsteinium or something right here, but you'd probably all die of radiation poisoning."
"But you, of course, would not," Robin deadpanned.
"No, I wouldn't. Invulnerable, remember?" Amara said, and grinned. Robin sighed once again.
"Okay, okay, I think we get the picture now," he said. "But how the hell do you have every superpower imaginable?"
"Oh, it has to do with my very special heritage," Amara stated.
"Heh, heh. More like hair-itage," Beast Boy muttered, and dissolved into muffled snickering. Robin glared at him, but Amara seemed not to notice, being fully absorbed in what she was saying. She was talking about herself, after all.
"Yes, I'm half angel!" she exclaimed.
"Um…okay, then. That's not too difficult to believe, I suppose," Robin admitted. "I mean, Raven is half demon, so…"
"Oh, I'm half demon, too," Amara added. "I'm also a third vampire, half elf, half alien, three-quarters witch, a third gorgon, one quarter golden retriever, half dragon, a third fairy, half goddess, and half star."
"Half star? Oh, shit! She's an emo kid! Run for your lives!" Beast Boy shouted, and tried to escape, but Cyborg picked him up by the scruff of the neck. He still spent several seconds kicking his feet wildly as if he was running, though.
"Did you say you were one third vampire?" Cyborg asked. Amara nodded.
"Well, um, I'm really more of a tech-guy, so I could be wrong about this," Cyborg continued, "but from what I studied in high school biology class, the way sexual reproduction works is that each parent contributes half of the kid's genetic material. So, things would tend to go in factors of two, like a half, a quarter, an eighth, and so on. That is to say, not in thirds."
"Oh, I was genetically engineered," Amara explained. "I have no parents! See how much it adds to my angst!"
"Uh huh," Cyborg said, obviously unconvinced. "So you were genetically engineered, a highly scientific process, out of components that include mostly mythical creatures that science does not recognize as existing?"
"Yeah, that's right," Amara affirmed. "Why? Is that a problem?"
"Wait, did you say you were part golden retriever, too?" Raven asked.
"Uh…yeah. A quarter," Amara said, blushing slightly. "I'm not really sure how that got in there." Raven grinned nastily.
"Fetch!" she shouted, and threw a stick as hard as she could. At least, it looked like a stick—a red stick, with some kind of lit fuse stuck in one end. Amara didn't move, though.
"Aren't you overcome by the need to go fetch that?" Raven asked.
"Um…no," Amara replied. "Actually, any weaknesses that any parts of my heritage might bring along with them are conveniently cancelled out by the other parts of my heritage, so I have all their strengths but none of their weaknesses. That includes compulsively fetching things."
"Curses," Raven muttered, clenching her fists in anger, as an explosion sounded in the distance, accompanied by a pained scream. Several moments later, a smoking car tire bounced past the Titans. They ignored it. That kind of thing happened all the time when Raven was around.
Beast Boy, meanwhile, had stopped running in mid-air, still held several feet off the ground by Cyborg, and had been making feverish calculations in his head.
"Wait a minute!" he shouted. "If you really are all those things, you would have to be five and a half people!"
"It took you that long to figure that out?" Cyborg asked, raising his human eyebrow.
"Hey! Shut up!" Beast Boy cried. "You guys were talking, and it distracted me!"
"Sure," Raven said, rolling her eyes.
"Yes, Beast Boy, you are quite correct!" Amara exclaimed. "I am indeed five and a half people!"
"Oh, okay then," Beast Boy said, mollified, but then he thought about it for a moment. "Wait, what?"
"I have multiple personalities," Amara said.
"Multiple personalities?" Robin asked. Exasperation and incredulity had long since stopped vying for the top spot in his mind, and had instead melded into a single, uniquely irritated emotion.
"Oh, yes! Sometimes, when I'm in danger, my bad personality comes out to kick some ass and save me!" Amara cried. "But while she seems dark and even evil, she's really a good person at heart! And then there's my genius personality…"
"Who I guess we're not talking to right now," Raven muttered.
"…but she only comes out when I'm faced with a really difficult problem!" Amara continued, having not even heard Raven's snide comment. She was talking about herself again, after all, and nothing could be more important than that.
"Okay, okay, we get the idea," Robin said, massaging the bridge of his nose to try to halt the onset of what would probably be the mother of all headaches. Amara pouted.
"But I still have to tell you about three and a half of my personalities!" she exclaimed.
"Oh, that's quite alright," Robin told her. "Like I said, we get the idea."
"So can I join the Titans now and stay with them forever and ever, eventually becoming the team's leader and single-handedly saving the universe from evil?" Amara asked, her eyes shining.
"Um, well, like I said, we can put you on the list of honorary members for now and call on you every once in a while, but that's about it until we get to know you better," Robin replied.
"What? But I answered all your questions about me!" Amara cried.
"That's really not the issue here," Robin explained. "Like I mentioned earlier, we can ask you all the questions we want, but there's no real way for us to know for certain that you're telling us the truth. No amount of questions and answers can create trust—it's really more of an experience thing."
"But…but…this doesn't make sense! I'm perfect! And my hair, I…" Amara stuttered, but then paused, and a look of realization spread across her face. "Of course! I see the problem now! Experience!"
"Yes, good," Robin said, relieved that Amara was finally beginning to understand. "We have to have some more experience with you before we can decide if you should be…"
"Experience!" Amara repeated, interrupting Robin. "It's so obvious! You've seen my hair, but you haven't really experienced it yet!"
"Um…no, no, that's not quite what I mean…" Robin stammered, but Amara was on a tear now.
"Yes! Yes! You must experience my hair!" she cried. "Only then can you fully appreciate my perfection, and therefore see that you must make me a member of the Titans!"
"I don't really see how…" Robin tried again, but once again Amara interrupted him.
"Now then, touch my hair!" she exclaimed.
"What?" Robin asked, backing away a little. The cognitive dissonance created by the sudden absurd demand had thrown him off balance.
"Go on, touch my hair!" Amara urged him. "I know you want to!"
"Um…no, actually I don't," Robin said.
"Oh, don't be so shy. Touch it."
"Come on, it feels nice. You'll like it."
"I don't want to touch your hair."
"Just touch it!"
"Touch my hair!"
"Shut up about your goddamn hair!" Robin shouted, finally reaching his breaking point. "It isn't important!" Amara recoiled in horror.
"Not important? Not important?" she wailed. "How can you say that? Hair is totally important! It's the most important thing ever!"
"Not for determining whether or not we should let you join the team, it isn't," Robin snapped. Amara looked wounded.
"But you must see the importance of having good hair!" she exclaimed. "You seem to have taken great care to gel yours up like that!"
"What, really?" Robin asked. "No, no I kind of just gel it up, wash it, and then gel it back up again. It's a never-ending cycle, really—I don't think too much about it."
"Oh, surely one of you can see the importance of hair!" Amara cried, and turned to Starfire. "Starfire, with your long hair, at least you, out of all the Titans, must see that hair is important!"
"Ummm…well, while I agree that taking care of the hair is indeed of great importance, I do not see what it has to do with one's candidacy for joining a team of superheroes," Starfire responded. Amara gasped, disappointed, and turned to Raven.
"Raven, although your hair is short and perhaps not cut as stylishly as it might be, surely you agree that good hair is important!" Amara said, hope in her voice.
"No, actually I totally disagree with you," Raven replied. "And even if I did agree with you, I wouldn't say so, because I hate you." Amara frowned at this display of antisocial behaviour (although, really, what did she expect?), and turned to Beast Boy.
"Beast Boy, although it is much shorter than Robin's, you also seem to have taken great pains to spike up your hair," Amara observed. "Do you see that hair is important, indeed, the most important thing in the world?"
"Um, well, I might not be the best person to ask here," Beast Boy said with a nervous smile. "See, ever since Starfire got back from the future and told me I would go bald I've kind of been treasuring every remaining moment I have with my hair."
"Oh, that would explain all the sick little mutterings I've been hearing from your room late at night," Raven sniped.
"Sick? Oh, come on!" Beast Boy cried indignantly. "It's not sick to want to keep your hair!"
"'Oh baby, you're so green and fuzzy, I never want you to leave'?" Raven recited from memory. "Look me in the eye and tell me that's not sick, Beast Boy."
"Um…that might not actually have been about my hair…" Beast Boy mumbled, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "I've kind of been having these dreams lately, and…"
"Grossness! Moving on!" screeched Amara, and she turned at last to Cyborg. "Cyborg, you must understand that hair is…oh, never mind."
"What?" Cyborg asked angrily. "Don't you want to know what I think about hair?"
"Oh, so you think that just because I don't have any I can't have an opinion?" Cyborg shouted accusingly. Amara looked down and shuffled her feet a little.
"Oh, I have an opinion," Cyborg snarled, crossing his arms and turning his back to Amara. "I'm just not going to tell you now, because I think you're a jerk."
"You don't really have an opinion, do you?" Raven asked. Cyborg sagged a little.
"No, no I don't," he said quietly.
"So none of you think that hair is the deciding factor in all matters of any significant importance?" Amara asked. The Titans all nodded.
"This just doesn't make sense! How can this be?" Amara cried. Robin sighed once more. He had been doing that a lot lately.
"Guys, playing team spokesperson is starting to wear on me, here," he said to the other Titans. "Could one of you maybe…?"
"Oh, I'm all over this one," Raven proclaimed, stepping forward. She looked Amara right in the eye and held her gaze for several seconds before finally speaking again.
"You're crazy. Screw off," Raven stated, then spun on her heel and marched away. The other Titans shrugged and followed her, leaving Amaranillia Starchild-Lightbringer standing alone behind them. She pouted for a few moments, but then seemed to come to a decision. She brightened, and struck a heroic pose.
"Well, then, I guess I'll just have to go join the X-men! To Bayville!" Amara shouted, and then disappeared in a puff of plot device.
Author's Note: This is my new humour…thing. It will be running at the same time as my new serious piece (Sulphur and Brimstone) to help keep me sane, because all angst and no funny make Sleeping Bag something something. Anyway, since it's mostly to help me vent my need for the humour that will most likely be absent from S&B, I'll probably only be updating occasionally, with no real regularity. Oh, well. This won't matter too much, though, since I don't plan for Spoofy! to really be a full story as such, but rather a series of separate pieces, much like my old (and now banned) series Silly Villainy, but not in script format so I don't make FanFiction mad at me.
My sense of humour tends to revolve around satire—combine that with the rather odd little patterns I've seen around in various other fan fictions (including, to some extent, my own), and you get this stuff. This first instalment is obviously aimed at Mary Sues. Needless to say, I dislike them, so much so that I turned the first draft of this author's note into an extended rant against them (qualified, of course, by my belief in what I suppose might be called the Shades of Grey principle, but that's really beside the point). Basically, I find the extreme Mary Sues to be incredibly absurd. Unfortunately, the sheer amount of times such extreme Mary Sues appear in fan fictions boggles my mind. While I have felt the urge to insert a pretty little omnipotent version of myself into stories at times as well, I firmly believe that that would make for a very poor story ("And now, for the match of the century! Slade versus someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a living god! Whoops, it's over already!"). Also, what the hell is up with this obsession with hair? I swear, every single Mary Sue I've seen has gone along with some significant focus on her hair (at least for the female ones). It's really quite bizarre.
Just to cover my ass here, I am in no way suggesting that those authors who use Mary Sues a lot should stop. If that's the stuff you want to write, that's fine. Just don't expect me to read it. Also to cover my ass, my "inevitably skinnier" crack at the beginning has more to do with the unrealistic images of beauty that the media forces upon teenaged girls than anything else, so don't bitch at me about that. I'm not calling anyone fat.
Finally, because I think it would be weird to end this author's note by saying that I'm not calling anyone fat, I will instead end it this way: apricots!