A/N: here it is, my first story! Just for the records, all these are written after the events in the movie/musical/book. Here, I will mostly be going off the movie, as I have not finished the book and have never had a chance to see the musical.

To whom it may concern:

I have recently become aware of a genre known as "phanphiction." After learning that the majority of the stories concern, and sometimes dramatically alter, my romantic life and personality. I have found the need to set several things straight.

Common Misconception #1: I won Christine in the end. Kindly stop rubbing in the fact that I did not. She made her choice, and it was not I. I may not be happy with her choice, but I respect it.

Common Misconception #2: My adversary, the Vicomte de Changy, is a "fop," "pansy," "wimp," "crybaby," "weakling," "coward," and a plethora of other derogatory names. I doubt you realize that you are cheapening my battle. The Vicomte is a brave and honorable man, who deserves Christine's love as much as I do. Were he actually the fop of your fevered little minds, I could have defeated him with both eyes closed, and both hands tied behind my back. However, I obviously did not. As I did not end up with Christine (no matter what you may say to the contrary), you are saying that I am weaker and stupider than my adversary. If I didn't know better, I would take that as a personal insult.

Common Misconception #3: I am "hot," which I understand to mean "appealing" or "handsome." Perhaps you ladies did not get the picture. I IN NO WAY RESEMBLE THE MAN KNOWN AS GERALD BUTLER (who, by the way, is a second-rate singer at best)! I am a living corpse with no visible eyes, no nose, no hair, and hands that smell of death. Unless times have seriously changed, that is not considered handsome in the least. Quite the opposite, in fact. There. I said it. Are you happy now?

Common Misconception #4: I am mentally stable. I can freely admit that I am considered mad, even deranged. Even love-blinded, misguided people such as you should be able to see that the majority of my actions were not the actions of a sane man. What sane man spends a good portion of his life pretending to be a ghost and an angel, alternately?

Common Misconception #5: Christine was in love with me, and only me. Once again, kindly stop rubbing in that fact that she is not. Several of your stories have her only go with Raoul because of circumstances beyond her control (mostly having to do with the fact that the Vicomte is usually portrayed as a cruel, possessive bully), such as fear for my life. I accepted the outcome of Christine's decision, and I trust (well, almost) that my adversary would have as well, had he received the short end of the arrangement.

Common Misconception#6: I am currently in love with, or will come to love, someone other than Christine. For those of you who had your eyes shut and fingers in your ears the entire time, I am (as you people would probably say) "a one-girl guy." I am literally incapable of loving anyone else as much as I loved her. You try to attempt to make these Marie-Suzettes more appealing to me by giving them either any sort of musical talent or a deformity or imperfection similar to mine, or both. The Opera Populaire ballet corps/stagehands/orchestra members/singers are meant to entertain people, not frighten them. Therefore, why would one of the people listed above be horribly deformed? Mostly the same goes for blind, deaf, mute, disabled, etc.

Common Misconception #7: I am romantically interested in males. This confusing and disgusting idea is the least common, so I will put it last. I have actually come across two or three traverses that pair me with my good friend the Persian, or even worse, Raoul. If you didn't notice the second or third times I tried to kill him, I do not like him in any sense in the world. My disgust on this subject is too deep to mention. The next person who writes one of these will be subject to a disaster beyond their imagination.

There are many other, less common, distortions of my life that I will not go into. Suffice to say that most of you choose to portray me as either a deranged, psychotic serial killer (which I am not, and never have been. A murderer yes, but not the mass killer you perceive me as.) or a weepy "crybaby," to put it in your own vernacular (I'm going to have to ask you to stop that. Immediately.). A few of you have shown me as the "avenging angel" type. I'm afraid to say that is just wishful thinking.

Well, this letter has gone on much longer than I expected. I can only hope that, after reading this, you come to your senses and slander someone else.