Yes I know i am supposed to be writing more chapters for my on-going story A New Azarath (Well more precisely the little voices are) But During one of my many sleepless nights (Damn voices) This fic was formed in my head and i had to write it down.

Disclaimer:I do not own the Teen Titans or Mariah Carey

This fic includes the song Close my eyes by Mariah Carey

The Poem called I'm sorry is mine, i wrote it for the fic.

If i have got the effects of the drug Liquid ecstasy wrong please let me know.

This fic does not condone nor condemn drugs, it merely shows the effects, feelings and the psychological reasoing behind it from the addict's (Raven's) point of view and the feelings of an onlooker(Slade). What people choose to do is up to them and them alone.



I was wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

She sat huddled over the toilet bowl, retching the contents of her stomach,.As she stood up she swayed violently, her head lost in a sea of colours She managed to find a grip on the sink and slowly regained her balance.This was always the worst part, she reflected,Coming down from a high, then she laughed silently, no, the worst part was the craving, the need for the release from reality.The need to escape from the unrelenting torture of her miserable existence.The need to free herself of her memories and problems if only for a few minutes.

Yes, the worst part was needing.

Sometimes she didn't even know why she bothered, Why she continued to live,what the point of it all was, she was nothing, a nobody,She was alone.She always had been and always will be.

As she stared at her reflection, she wondered when her life had become so pointless and full of meaningless crap.She ached all over. Her hair was matted and greasy,her eyes were lifeless and where once cold indifference was ,there now was nothing.. Her ribs poked through her tank top and her body was abused beyond repair.Her mind broken and her heart and soul gone,she was an empty shell..She looked down at her arms they were covered with scars from the countless needles she had used.That was why she always kept her arms covered,not now though, not as she she traced the newest scar that was only 10 minutes old,the memory of the high she had hit still present.

She remembered the first time she had tried it,she was 14 and living on the streets.She was barely getting by, stripping and prostituting for money she so desperately needed.She was already anorexic when one of her clients introduced it to her,it had provided the freedom from life and it's cruelties.Something that she longed for.She became addicted,striving for temporary comfort in her lonely world.Sometimes she would go without food for days, all her money being spent on her addiction.She had started on Pot, then Cannabis, Cocaine and LSD came next and finally Liquid Ecstasy.She had been an addict for 4 years now and had become a full blown junkie,just like her mother.She had nothing, no-one ,she was unloved and it hurt.

She sank down onto the bathroom tiles,her head was still spinnig and her body was jerking uncontrrolably, her muscles numb and spasms running through her.She breathed slowly and calmly and gradually the after-effects of her high wore off.She stood up and made her way to her her bed and lay down,curling up in a ball.As she drifted into sleep, all the fears she kept at bay throogh her addictiction, began their nightly torment.

Somewhere at around one she woke up sweaating and panting.Several of her books flew off her shelves as she desperately tried to caalm her emotions.She had had another nightmare.They were getting worse,she thought, getting up and heading over to the bathroom.She spent the whole night clearing up the mess.She was to scared to go to sleep,afraid of what she would find.

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the monn
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

As the sunlight streamed through her window, she sat hugging her knees,the needle filled with release and freedom was before her, but she was trying to fight it.Last night she had decided to take control of her life and so she sat there,trying to ignore the cravings,trying to believe that she was loved,that she was cared for, that she could change.With great strength of will she managed to stand up and walk to the door.she knew that she couldn't resist it forever,she was too far gone, but she could get help.

As she reached Robin's door she became nervous.What would he think,what would he say, but she pushed the thoughts away and knocked on his door.

He opened his door and Raven was surprised to see him in full uniform.She realisd he must've been working on Slade again.

"What is it Raven?" Robin asked groggily with a touch of anger in his voice..

But before she could answer he interrupted her

"Look i'm sure this can wait till later" He said before shutting the door on her.She sighed dejectedly and decided to try Beastboy, who was sleeping in the living room with Cyborg, they had been up all night having their usual movie marathon, but when she finally woke them up they began yelling about not enough sleep and asking her to leave before falling into a deep slumber again..She was close to crying now but decided to try Starfire as she knocked on the door, she prayed the foreign alien would at least take the time to listen to her.but her hopes were dashed when a cheery Starfire answered and said that they would talk later since she was feeding silkie at which point she shut the door.

Raven had tears running down her face, lamps began flickering, as furniture crashed into the walls. She teleported to her room and saw the Liquid Ecstasy on the floor, she walked towards it trying desperately to hold on to the the last remnants of her fragmented mind. She didn't use it but ashamedly put it in her pocket, her tears still falling and her chest heaving with sobs.And she flew, not caring where because in her broken mind some twisted logic told her that if she kept going she could run from her problem, her addiction.And so it was in this state she landed in Jump City whereshe ran her uncontrollable powers ripping up everything in sight.

She was running through the alleyways and backstreets in the roughest part of the city, she didn't know where she was, what she was doing,the last parts of her sanity had left her and she collapsed on the street her vision blurring. She reached in her pocket and pulled out the needle. In her other pocket was a note which she had written weeks before, she had been walking the fine line between the living and the dead foe 4 years and the nights events had pushed her over the edge.With her entire being broken she shoved the needle into her arm and fell into sweet nothingness, the darkness enveloping her as her eyes glazed over, her hand still clutching the note.

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the monn
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Many people passed the alley, none caring to send a glance to the fallen girl. To them she was just another one of the poor unfortunates living in the dilapidated ruins of the poor part of the city.But then a man in his late twenties spotted her, he had Natural white hair an crystal blue eyes(this is what he looks like in the comics.) Raven he thought worriedly as he bent to pick her up and phoned an ambulance.

In the hospital the man was sitting by her side and was re-reading the note again: and again it tore his heart.

My soul cries silently, in a broken body,

Behind my blank expression,

A tortured mind yearns for the comfort

Of a needle.

No-one hears my pleas for help,

But no-one ever has or will

The love i seek so desperately

I will never have or know

My entire being strives for release

From the prison that is my life,

And only through death can I

Truly be free

No-one hears my pleas for help

No-one ever has or will

The love i seek so desperately ,

I will never have or know.

This is the end.I tried

I'm sorry

He had no idea this was what she was going through, he had put her through hell over and over again, not caring. But that was a lie he reflected bitterly, he had cared he just denied it, the feeling had slowly been growing, that was why he'd helped her defeat her father, he could have had it all and he'd thrown it away because he loved her,he had begun living a decent honest life just because he loved her. Him, Slade, Ben Wilson loved the girl sitting before him.

Ben crumpled the note and threw it in the bin by Raven's bed, he looked at her small, petite body, to him she had always been so strong, no matter what happened she never seemed to let it get to her. He remembered the things Trigon said he did to her when she was a child, things that made Ben sick to his stomach and yet Raven pulled theough and managed to carry on as if her childhood never happened,But looking at her now so vulnerable and weak he knew that even though she never showed it, she was hurting inside and that hurt him more than anything else ever had.

He looked at the scars that covered her arms, the doctors had said that the oldest one dated back to four years ago, before the titans even existed. She had other scars on her stomach and back which the doctors informed him were the result of someone burning her and stabbing her repeatedly.Ben knew where those had come from, but it wasn't the physical scars Ben was worried about it was the emotional ones,it had been 3 hours now and she hadn't woken up, the doctors were worried that her near-fatal overdose could cause brain damge.Ben hung his head in his hands not noticing Ravens eyes fluttering open.

Nearing the edge
Obvious I almost
Fell right over
A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable
That woman-child falling inside
Was on the verge of fading
Thankfully I
Woke up in time

Guardian angel I
Sail away on an ocean
With you by my side
Orange clouds roll by
They burn into your image
And you're still alive
(You're always alive)

Raven waited for her eyes to adjust to the light before sitting up and shaking the man next to her.Ben looked up to see Raven sitting up in bed looking at him confusedly, before she asked

"Where am I?"

"In the hospital ?"Ben replied, smiling slightly, but Raven just looked more confused than before.

"Umm why?" She asked her brows furrowed in concentration.

"You don't remember ?" Ben asked his voice filled with concern and wory, how could she not remember.At that moment the doctor treating her walked in to check up on Raven. He frowned as Ben explained that she didn't appear to remember anything.he walked over to her and began asking her a series of questions, such as her name and age to which she replied with an i don't know.After he finished the doctor turned to Ben and said in a kind whisper so Raven wouldn't hear

"She has permanent amnesia, i suggest you explain to her who she is and what not since you seem to know her remarkably well, then i would advise you to move to a different city and send her to a drug rehabilitation centre."

Before Ben could aske why the doctor held up his hand and spoke again

"Many people contract amnesia after a traumatic event ., it is the minds natural defense against things which it does not want to know or remember. For her to start on drugs in the first place coupled with the scars on her stomach and back indicate a troubled life.What i am trying to say is that she must have a lot of bad memories associated with this city as the only things she remembers is lonliness, pain, emptiness and darkness, moving away would give her the chance to recover and get her life back on track, She will never regain her memories but in this case i think that would be a blessing."

Ben nodded and waited for the doctor to go out before resuming hi seat an saying gently.

"Your name is Raven Roth you are 18 and i brought you here after you overdosed on drugs,but we're going to get you help okay"

Raven nodded before saying

"okay,but can i change my name i don't like it very much"she thought a minute before smiling " i am going to change it to Hilary Rothschild"

Ben looked at her before smiling widely

"Sure thing" he said.He then noticed she was smiling as well and nothing was blowing up "hey Hilary say Azarath Metrion Zinthos " He asked

Hilary looked at him funny before saying the words but nothing happened. He realised that her mind must have blocked her powers as well he was more than a little glad at that she could now express emotions freely.

"Hey who are you by the way" Hilary asked expectantly

"My alias is Slade but my real name is Ben Wilson" he replied.

Hilary nodded and got out of bed, "Can we go now Ben ?" she asked walking towards the door.He nodded and with the doctors consent Hilary was discharged from the hospital.

" So where are we going now?"Hilary asked

"We ?" Ben asked surprised

"Yeah, unless you don't want" Hilary said a little disappointed.Ben grinned of course he wanted to

"L'A sound alright i know a guy over there who owes me a favor" he said hailing a cab.Hilary griinned and they set off towards the airport.

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raise my head to the sky
And though time's rolls by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the monn
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon


Please let me know what you think so review, review review review!