I vill suck your bloooood

A/N- I'm just finishing up Shadow Hearts with Shadow Hearts: Covenant lined up next, and I just had to write a fanfic for this section. I know that most of the fanfic for SH is Yuri-Alice, but I'm kind of partial to another coupling, too. One that my friends think I'm crazy for liking. IT'S…. a Margarete-Keith fic! Didn't expect that, didja? Like all of my other fics, it'll be kind of weird, pretty amusing, and eventually romantic, so be prepared for strangeness and hopefully entertainment!

Chapter One: Isn't that what friends are for?

In a dimly lit private train car a young, rather dark-looking man was glaring sulkily at an old man in Asian combat robes sitting beside him.

"The seat beside me is reserved for Alice. I don't want a drooly old geezer dozing off on my shoulder when I could have her. Move it." Yuri snarled, cracking his knuckles menacingly.

The other man merely reached for a tall staff propped on the nearest wall. With reflexes defying his appearance and age, he landed a blow on his companion's skull.

"You wouldn't make a poor, frail grandpa like me move from his seat, would you?" Zhuzhen snickered as Yuri rubbed the growing lump on his forehead gingerly.

"Like hell I wouldn't." Yuri snorted, "Besides, I know that you're just sitting there because you're hoping that Alice will sit next to you. Pervert."

When the monk flashed him a lewd grin, Yuri began to dig through the cluttered knapsack that was lying beneath the seat. He finally emerged triumphantly with a set of brass knuckles that sported a pair of wicked-looking blades affixed. It was at that moment that the aisle door slid open and a stern-faced Alice entered. Both men immediately dropped their weapons with the overly-innocent air of the truly guilty.

"I'm gone for five minutes to freshen up and you two already start with each other?" She frowned, giving both of them meaningful glances, "Can't you try to be civil for once? I know you're bored and there hasn't been much in the way of work lately, but is that really any excuse—"

Zhuzhen closed his eyes and let his mouth hang slightly ajar. Next to him, Yuri heaved a sigh and stared fixedly at a brown stain on the wall next to Alice's head. Taking the hint, she harrumphed loudly and strode over to the bench on the side of the cabin opposite the two. Both let out disappointed sighs, but didn't complain. After all, in front of them she made for considerably better scenery than the plains that were zooming past outside. After a few moments of silence, Alice bit her lip and spoke up.

"You don't think we're meddling, do you?" she said nervously.

"Sure we are. That's what friends are for, isn't it?" Zhuzhen shrugged.

"I mean, sure, we went along with Mina's little plan, but that was only because things definitely needed a little lightening up." Alice murmured barely acknowledging that Zhuzhen had spoken.

"Women…" he grunted, barely audible.

"Besides, I couldn't think of any other way or person that could get Maragarete back. That doesn't really mean we were trying any match-making, does it?"

"Actually, I think it kind of does." Yuri muttered.

Alice favored him with a glare, then retrieved a slightly grotesque-looking bible from her pack and smacked him with it.

"Wrong answer." Zhuzhen observed sagely, doing a poor job of concealing his amusement as the bump on Yuri's head swelled and turned even redder.

"I didn't know she'd ask the question if she didn't really want me to answer." Yuri glares, subtlely kicking the gloating old goat next to him.

"Besides," he said, pouting now, "isn't it blasphemy to use the bible as a weapon, especially against your boyfriend?"

"You wish." Alice grinned.

Compared to when he first met her, he couldn't help but think that she'd gotten slightly meaner.

'One of the side effects of traveling around with a couple of us jerks…' he thought to himself, smiling.

Besides, it wasn't as though he minded the change.

Meanwhile back in reality, Yuri stared into space blankly as he thought. Zhuzhen poked him a little harder than necessary and frowned.

"Hmm. I think you gave him a concussion or something."

Alice flushed deeply and penitently bit her lip.

"I-I did not! It was you bashing him over the head with that staff! I just tapped him a little bit…"

She got up with her bible and touched Yuri's arm while speaking a few words in a unrecognizable language and a faint white light surrounded him.

"Does that feel any better?" She said, leaning over to look her patient in the eye.

"Yeah, much." Yuri grinned roguishly, "Especially since I can see your bra from this angle. Pink lace. Nice."

Alice's eyes flashed, but she decided against using the bible of doom against him again.

"Fine, you got your free show, but don't expect any more of that if you keep running that big mouth of yours."

"Alice! Awww, don't be like that!"

He thought that he could make out quiet whip noises coming from beside him. He glared at Zhuzhen and barely restrained from beating him to a pulp. Alice, on the other hand, put on a satisfied smirk and sat back down.

"Geezer," Yuri whispered softly enough that Alice couldn't hear him, "you're pushing it."

"It wasn't me." Zhuzhen said motioning at the door with his thumb.

Halley was leaning against the frame with a lopsided smile. He turned to Yuri accusingly and snorted.

"Losing your balls alr—"

"LANGUAGE!" Alice shouted, turning slightly red.

Halley opened his mouth to make a retort, but a projectile bible caught him in the face before he could make any sound besides "Hey…ufgh"

"Really, though," Halley said, wiping a trickle of blood away, "Have any of you ever thought that maybe she doesn't want to be dragged back? From what I can tell she had a reputation for being the best at her work. Do you really think she'll want to give it up completely? Just because none of us losers really have anything better to go back to doesn't mean that she doesn't."

"Ya don't mince your words, do you?" Yuri said, eyebrows raised.

"Why should I have to? We're all friends. I should be able to be honest."

"Punk. Well, I know that she has some misgivings about the way these powerful nations, including hers, are conducting themselves. She's looking for an out. Margarete's not the pawn type, and they want obedient little foot soldiers with unquestioning patriotism." Yuri said.

"How do you know that?" Alice said suspiciously, "I don't remember her mentioning anything like that…"

"Welll… err… she, uhh, confessed it to me in Rouen."

"OH!" Zhuzhen said, "You mean that time that you came out of the confessional with that pearl ring? I thought that was a little strange, but it was in exchange for hearing her out, hm?"

"YOU MEAN MARGARETE GAVE YOU THIS?" Alice fumed, thrusting a finger at him that was adorned with a small pearl ring.

"…I hate you, Zhuzhen." Yuri winced.

"It was your own fault." Halley gaped, "I mean, how dumb can you get?"

"I—" Yuri began, getting a strong feeling that everyone was about to gang up on him.

"I can't believe you'd have the nerve to give me a ring another girl gave you! It's an insult to both of us women!"

"B-But it's not my fault that you never warned me that your birthday was coming up until the same day! I don't care what you said, you expected something good and I panicked!"

"Now you're gonna try to blame it on me?"

Halley and Zhuzhen both sat down and looked at each other with sickened expressions.

"Don't you hate young romances? They make me a little sick to my stomach. I'm too old to listen to this…" Zhuzhen sighed, "Though it does remind me of some good times… I wonder how Kyoko's doing. What a body, but that temper…"

"I really don't want to hear about your love life. Ever again." Halley said, miming vomiting.

"Come on, boy, you could learn a little from me. I wasn't bad around the ladies in my time. I can be like the creepy uncle you never had!"

Halley glared at him and smacked his forehead.

"You mean grandpa?"

"HEY! Fine then! I could give you advice on how to woo Chris, not that you need much help. That girl's smitten… but you obviously don't want my help."

With that, Halley blushed and shut down all forms of sensory perception, a feat in itself considering that Yuri and Alice were still arguing loudly and that Zhuzhen didn't seem to mind that Halley wasn't responding to anything he said.

One thing was for sure. It was going to be one long trip to Bistritz.

'All you have to do is keep from killing yourself until we get there. After that, you can shut yourself in your room and never talk to these crazy people again. The normal ones will be back soon.' He thought to himself, though he failed to convince himself that everything would work out so neatly. 'After all, if the others got their way, even the normal ones wouldn't stay that way for long.'

And it was all because of that annoying little emotional vulture: Love. He shuddered at the thought and hoped against hope that it wouldn't claim another set of victims.

A/N- Well? Whaddya think? I swear that Margarete and Keith will show up in the next chapter. And there will be a little explanation of all the obscure hintings. Until then, remember that I was writing this on my birthday, so give me pity reviews! PITY REVIEWS! Heehee… Well, anyone who's made it this far I automatically love anyway, so until next time, keep being crazy like me! Also, if you feel like dropping me a line, feel free! Now, go click on the Periwinkle Box!

Periwinkle Box: Please… just give her a review or-- -shudders- or else she'll club me as if I were a baby seal. AUGH! She's coming to get me now! QUICK! I don't want to be beaten again… -sobs-