"LAME!" Another Very Stupid Fiction
A/N: Very, very few of these puns are actually mine. I just stole them and used 'em in ludicrous situations! Warning! This is really stupid! It picks up towards the end, sort of. ;)
"What's on?" Warren flopped down on the couch beside Will, who was completely engrossed in the TV program. He tore his eyes off of the screen for a moment to look over at his friend.
"It's a new program about Oragami."
Warren grinned. "Is it pa-per-view?" SMACK went the couch pillow.
"I'm giving that a three."
"Oh, come on – " Warren's argument was rudely interrupted by the telephone. The SPECIAL telephone, outfitted with stickers of prancing dogs. Will and Warren gasped simultaneously as Will dove for the SPECIAL receiver.
"Thanks for calling the Superfiends, er, Superfriends, this is Will! Mmhmm. HE DIDN'T! OK, Mayor, we're on our way!"
He turned back to Warren. "Big trouble downtown! We have to – Warren?"
"Not now, dude. I'm learning how to fold banknotes." Groaning, Will dragged him out of the house and downtown.
At the scene, they were briefed by the fire marshal on the situation.
"It seems we have giant, mutated fruit running around the stores downtown. They're wreaking havoc!"
"No worries, sir! We're on our way!" They posed dramatically for the cameras for a moment, then dove into the nearest store: A local Gander Mountain! Inside, a rather large grapefruit was chasing customers around the fishing poles and tents.
"Get it, Warren!" Will shouted as he flew around the creature's head, throwing punches. Warren fired a massive bolt and the grapefruit fell to the ground. Unfortunately, the merchandise was on fire as well.
"Warren!" Will squealed from the back of the store, "This heat is in-tents!"
They ran back out of the store and looked up the street, which was slanted steeply. Will looked over.
"Ready to make the grade?" (A/N: Boooo!)
"Dude. You suck."
"That was a good one! That's at least an 8!"
"That's like a 0."
A local fruit vendor rushed by in a panic. Will grabbed him and demanded, "How do we stop these things!"
The fruit vendor's bulbous eyes roved back and forth like a weird toad's. "No speak Eeeenglish. Ohnleee Francais!" He ran past them and out of sight.
A smashed-up car landed millimeters away from the two heroes.
"Who could be causing this?" Will gasped. A loud cackle from behind them answered his question. They turned as one and Will groaned in disbelief.
"YOU! It can't be!"
The fruit seller cackled maniacally. "Hello! My name is Joe Schmoe! You killed my pineapple – "
"– didn't – "
"– Prepare to die!"
"I thought you only spoke French," Will grumbled.
"AHA! I fooled you! Baht, et es troo! Ah sphent mah-ny years in Paris, honing my villainous villainy!"
"But," Will wondered aloud, "Why France? What's the point if your enemies are here in America?"
Warren snickered. "He had nothing Toulouse."
"BOO!" shouted the readers and the crowd.
Warren put up his hands and said soothingly, "Let's not make this harder than it needs to be. Just kumquat-ly."
Will snuck around behind the fruit vendor and yelled:
"NOW, Warren! Peel his potatoes!"
Warren dashed to the vendor's stall and began to flambé the fruits as Will held onto poor Joe Schmoe. Suddenly, all of the giant fruits rampaging around town fell over where they were standing. Warren and Will grabbed two music stands from the store next door and proceeded to de-juice them to make sure they were dead.
The fire marshal came and took the fruit vendor away. The two heroes stood in the middle of the road impressively and looked at their handiwork.
Will suddenly poked Warren in the side with his music stand. "Wanna swordfight? I heard your martial arts career is ON FIRE lately!"
Warren stared at him in disbelief.
"AHA!" Will exclaimed, taking advantage of his friend's incredulity to disarm him. "The pun really IS mightier than the sword!"
"Why do you two tell these bad jokes all the time?" asked a bemused reporter.
"Jest for the pun of it." They insisted as one.
The police chief rolled his eyes in despair. "Now, if you two will just go to the station to be de-briefed…"
"But I don't wear briefs!" Will exclaimed in horror.
Mercifully, Warren hit him with a trash can lid and the story ended.
A/N: So very, very sorry. Many thanks to May the Farce be with you! Ah, and a kumquat is a very small, citrus-y fruit, and Toulouse is a town in France.