DEAR. LORD. I. LIVE.
IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM OF JUMP CITY, VILLAINS OF EVERY SORT ARE CIRCULATED AGAIN AND AGAIN, BUT NEVER REALLY FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES, BECAUSE IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MAKE CAMEOS AND REAPPEARANCES THROUGHOUT THE SERIES. THIS IS DUE, IN PART, TO A BUNCH OF INCOMPETENT TEENS RUNNING AROUND FIGHTING CRIME, OR SOMETHING LIKE IT, AND BOTCHING IT UP HORRIBLY. THESE ARE THEIR STORIES.
JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE
AUGUST 20, 2005
ARRAIGNMENT FOR TRIGON CASE
"…I don't care if he's only got two toes and can't walk properly; bail is set at one million. NEXT!"
The bailiff cleared his throat. "Case number 5936, in the matter of the People v. Trigon. Trigon is to face trial for lesser crimes here and then be given over to the international courts."
Judge paused. "Didn't Raven like…kill him or something?"
"He's an omniscient, inter-dimensional demon, sir. They're a bit harder to get rid of than that."
"I see." At that moment, Trigon the Terrible himself walked into the courtroom. He was wearing his finest business suit, and was whispering something to his lawyer. Judge cringed. Slade again. "Hello, Mr. Wilson."
Slade turned, feigning surprise. "Oh, Judge! I had no idea you were on this case. What a pleasant surprise."
Judge cringed again. "Let's get on with this. Where's DA?"
A woman in a suit stepped up to the DA's table. "He's out on another case. I'll be filling in. I'm the Assistant District Attorney, Ada Montgomery."
"…No, my name is actually Ada. It's just a coincidence that my first name is the same as the acronym of my job, unlike you and DA, who just have Speed Racer Syndrome."
"Oh. Well, as long as you're not named Claire, Abby, Jamie, Alex, Susan, or whatever the hell that other one's name is, we're good. What are the charges?"
The bailiff looked at a piece of paper. "Arson, assault and battery, property damage, and in light of the recently-passed bill, petrification of innocents."
"Wow, that's one convenient bill."
"Yeah, those guys up at city hall have the right idea. How does the defense plead?"
"Not guilty, your honor," Slade said in a very official tone.
"Oh please," snorted Ada. "The defendant's crimes were witnessed the world over—"
"Actually, that's not true. No one but the Teen Titans has claimed to actually seeing these crimes, and we all know how credible they are."
"They're credible enough! Your honor, I move to have the defendant remanded. He can travel between dimensions. If that's not a flight risk, I don't know what is."
"Ms. Montgomery has a point, Mr. Wilson," said Judge. "Your client has proven himself to be very wily."
"Wily though he may be, your honor, he is prepared to hand over his inter-dimensional passport," said Slade.
"Wha—what—your honor, this is utter rubbish. There is no such thing as a—why am I even—gah!" Ada threw her hands in the air. "The People request remand!"
"Granted. Trial date set for the 28th. NEXT CASE!"
JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE
AUGUST 28, 2005
BEGINNING OF TRIAL PROCEEDINGS
Ada was seated at the prosecution table with her second chair, Nondescript Man. One could see his nervousness through the stress lines on his ambiguous face.
"I'd like to thank you again for being second chair for me, Nondescript. I know that you're new to the DA's office and I'm sorry for imposing."
"No problem. We can beat 'em."
"That's the kind of attitude we're looking for. We'll definitely nail 'em."
"Character witnesses. Lots and lots of character witnesses."
"Would the People like to call their first witness?"
"Yes, we would first wish to call a few employees of the defendant…"
So the People began their case in earnest, calling the many minions of Trigon, who complained of on-the-job discrimination, poor treatment, long hours, and a lousy dental plan. Slade pointed out that this wasn't at all the point of the trial and abused the minions during cross-examination by making fun of their cavity-riddled teeth.
Judge looked up from his Gameboy that he was playing under his desk. "Oh, are we ready to go on?"
"Yes, your honor. The People call Robin to the stand."
Robin stepped up to the witness stand and took the oath. Ada got up. "Hello, Robin. Please describe the events of July 2, 2005 to the court."
"Okay," Robin said. "The Titans were just chilling and having fun and stuff, and Raven was acting all happy and weird."
"Oh, right. Then the world ended and stuff."
"Could you perhaps elaborate on the 'stuff' for us?"
"Err, okay. Ya see, the way Raven's explained it to us, I figure what actually happened was something like this…"
Robin then explained the events leading up to the "Apocalypse of Four-Eyed Doom" known in 1980's comic book canon as "The Terror of Trigon." (Robin personally thought "Apocalypse of Four-Eyed Doom" sounded much cooler.) It was an explanation long and wrought with extensive character background and complicated origin stories and dealings crossed with the involvement of Slade (at which point Slade objected, reminding Judge he couldn't possibly corroborate this because he was immune through attorney-client privilege), the strange, unexplainable plot holes, and the major character development that took place resulting in fallout in the fanfiction and forums. Halfway through his explanation, Ada was beginning to wish that she had asked a less broad question and was waiting for Robin to simply STOP TALKING, just as most of the readers are at this moment wishing for the author to STOP WRITING THIS MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A JOKE.
"…And so later it was concluded that Raven being a little girl was indeed a metaphor and I still am very hot for Starfire. Then we all had cake."
Ada was barely awake. "…Defense…may…"—she yawned—"…cross-examine."
"Huh?" Slade lifted his head off the table, drool seeping from the slits in his mask. "Oh, right, cross-examunuhfluxaJerrySeinfeld…"
"Slade," sneered Robin. Slade groaned.
"Oh STOP IT, you little asshole. GOD. It's not DRAMATIC anymore."
"EVERY TIME, it's always 'Slade, what are you planning,' or 'Slade, that's so nefarious and horrible!' or 'Slade, why won't you hold me?' GOD! NO MORE!"
"…Okay," said Robin in a small voice.
"Whatever. Now Robin, SOMEWHERE in that poor excuse for a joke you said that the world's population was turned to stone."
"Uh-huh. And why didn't you and your friends turn to stone?"
Robin was peeved by this question. "I TOLD you, Raven's magic."
"Uh-huh. And when did you come into possession of said magic, again?"
"After your army of fiery monsters was overwhelming us, Raven surrendered and knocked us all out with her spiffy magic."
"And you somehow absorbed it?"
"Yep. The animators did a pretty slick job emphasizing that the magic went into us, rather than just fading away. And Raven said 'Be safe.'"
"Yes, of course. Now, how much did the animators emphasize, exactly?"
"Objection!" yelled Ada. "The Defense may not encourage witnesses to break the fourth wall!"
"He was already breaking it…"
"Next question, Counselor," Judge interrupted.
"No further questions, your honor."
"Hmph. Fine. Will the People call their next witness?"
"Yes, your honor," replied Ada.
"Your Honor," said Slade. "It has just reached my attention that the next witness on the list could not possibly be capable of testifying."
"And why is that?" asked Judge.
"Oh. Huh. Err…Ms. Montgomery, would not lack of all bodily functions be a detriment to testimony?"
"Nah, she'll be fine," assured Ada. "I've got someone to channel her spirit."
"Oh, just some mystic who owed me a favor."
"Goddamn lazy author…" muttered Slade.
"COUNSELOR! There will be no more breaking of the fourth wall!"
"Yes, your honor."
A mystic came to the witness stand dressed in mystical apparel. No, it is not going to be described. You people can use your own imaginations, gosh darn it. He chanted in a mystical tongue for a while and then stopped, his eyes glazing over. He looked around.
"Where the hell am I?" the mystic asked in a very feminine voice.
"You're in the courtroom," answered Ada. "Remember, I'm the ADA? I asked you to testify in the matter of The People v. Trigon?"
"Oh, right, right, right. Mmm. I remember you."
"Since you possess another's body, will you please state your name for the record?"
"MOM!" screamed a shocked Raven from the back of the courtroom.
"Oh hi, honey."
"What the fu—"
"WATCH your mouth, young lady!"
Judge banged his gavel. "Ladies, please settle down. This is not family court. Ms. Montgomery, please proceed."
"Thank you, your honor. Now, Arella, would you please describe your relationship with the defendant."
"Well, I was—"
"Objection!" yelled Slade.
"What the hell FOR?" Ada burst out.
"This is a humor fanfiction. Mention of anything traumatic or dark such as the sketchy events that occurred between Arella and my client would destroy the tone!"
"He does have a point, Counselor," said Judge. "Perhaps a different line of questioning…?"
"Oh FINE," muttered Ada. "Arella, would you describe the defendant as a moral...entity?"
"No, not at all. He's a horrible monster."
"Isn't it true you and he were married for a time?"
"Kind of. It was a cult thing. He was disguised as a hot red-headed guy and I was a runaway teen—with my own back-story and everything!—and we…"
"Goddamn Geoff Johns…" muttered Slade, conveniently interrupting any mention of the tragic events of Arella's life.
"…and suddenly, BOOM! Pregnant! What a rip."
"Gee, THANKS MOM," yelled Raven from the back of the courtroom.
"There will be no more outbursts!" yelled Judge, banging his gavel. Silence. "Continue, Arella."
"Well, I was freaking out, ya know? Most babies take nine months but Raven came in, like, TWO WEEKS or something. It was some screwed up stuff. But then these creepy people from another dimension came and whisked me off to Azarath. And they raised Raven and I got a lot of tanning done."
"Did the defendant ever trouble you again?" asked Ada.
"Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. He called every week, wanting to know if we'd ever get a custody agreement arranged. 'I just want one day out of the week with her,' he would say. 'Or just give her to me for a couple months and I can complete her corruption all in one go.' He was totally psycho. And when Raven left for Earth, just when I thought, 'Hey, the kid's moved out, I can settle into early retirement,' the bastard comes back and sets Azarath alight with the fires of the Apocalypse. Jackass."
"SCREW YOU, YOU WHORE!" Trigon suddenly shouted, standing up.
"The defendant will seat himself!" Judge yelled.
"OH WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLE!" Arella screeched. "YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING YOUR COMEUPPANCE AND NATURALLY YOU ACT LIKE A TODDLER! TYPICAL!"
"ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT! THE WITNESS AND DEFENDANT WILL CEASE THIS SHOUTING MATCH!"
But Trigon didn't listen. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME CRAZY, WOMAN! IT WAS ALWAYS NAG, NAG, NAG! FIX YOUR HAIR, IRON YOUR LOINCLOTH, SHINE YOUR GAUNTLETS! I WAS TIRED OF IT, DAMMIT!"
"STOP IT! SEAT YOURSELVES OR YOU BOTH WILL BE IN CONTEMPT!"
"OH, STUFF IT!" Arella screamed, drop-kicking Judge in the face.
"AND YOU SAY I'M IMMATURE!" yelled Trigon.
"COME ON! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Arella jumped onto the witness stand and pulled out a gun. "CAN YA DODGE BULLETS, BITCH!"
"…I'm an omniscient demon. HELL YES I CAN!"
"STOP IT, STOP IT!" screamed Raven. "YOU'RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!"
Beast Boy, huddled under one of the benches with his teammates, scooted over next to Cyborg. "Dude, are you taping this?"
"Pssh. How could I not? Opportunities for Raven panty shots galore!" He pulled out a microwave and plugged it into his chest. "Popcorn?"
"I would like the popped kernels of corn, please."
"Shut up, Starfire."
"You may 'go to the Hell,' friend Cyborg." The alien giggled. "And, if I may spoil your fun, Raven does not wear panties."
"STARFIRE, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!" yelled Raven from above.
"I will meet that challenge!" said Starfire, abandoning cover to do battle with Raven.
"Well, at least SHE wears panties…and a skirt!" muttered Beast Boy. "Pass the popcorn."
JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE
AUGUST 29, 2005
RESUMING TRIAL PROCEEDINGS
"Well, I have to say that I was appalled by the conduct in here yesterday," said Judge. "Arella and Starfire are in contempt, and Trigon and Raven WOULD BE, but the defendant threatened to…to…"
"'Rip out your soul through your eyes,' your honor," the court clerk clarified.
"Yes, that was it, thank you. Anyway, let us proceed with—and I say this for the last time—no more outbursts."
"The People would like to call Raven to the stand," said Nondescript Man. He had taken over the prosecution as Ada had been injured in the battle between Starfire and Raven. The former at that point took the stand and was sworn in. "Now Raven, tell us about your father."
"He is an inter-dimensional demon. He is the prince of pain, the master of suffering, the source of all evil, the—"
"We get it, we get it," Nondescript interrupted. "Now, please describe the events of July 2 for us."
"Well, first I…then I…well, I had sensed for a while that…eh?" Raven scratched her head. "I…I don't remember."
Nondescript gaped at her. "You DON'T REMEMBER?"
"Err…no. Weird. It's like that day was just like any other day."
"But it WASN'T, WAS IT?" Nondescript was incensed. "I mean—how—CLERK!"
"You rang?" said the court clerk.
"Recant Robin's testimony from yesterday to jog the witness's memory."
"Yes, yes…oh my. Well, that is very odd."
"Said testimony is missing from the record."
"There is a large blank space where the testimony should be. It's as if I never typed it in the first place."
"BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IT WAS YESTERDAY! HE SAID…he said…oh Lord. I can't remember…"
"Okay," Judge cut in. "Something is obviously very wrong here. Therefore, I can only conclude this is Mr. Wilson's fault."
"OH COME ON!" yelled Slade. "Why do you always blame me?"
"…Because you're always to blame?"
"That is quite beside the point, your honor. I cannot remember the events either, and I was THERE."
"This is indeed very strange. I wonder if—"
But no one ever got to hear Judge's ponderings, for at that very moment, an armor-clad, gun-toting, SWAT team burst through the courtroom doors. They spread very quickly and began screaming orders among the panicked civilians.
"EVERYONE PLEASE REMAIN CALM! THIS IS STANDARD PROCEDURE! PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING—KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE DESK, DEMON, OR YOU'LL HAVE THEM BLASTED OFF!"
Trigon snorted, bored, and complied.
"What is the meaning of this?" asked Judge.
"We are the Retcon Police, sir," said the leader. "We have come to contain a very serious retcon that has just taken place."
"Dude!" yelled Beast Boy. "What the hell are you talking about? What's a retcon?"
"Well, son, it's when a writer decides, for a variety of possible reasons, that he or she must rewrite a part of a character's history. It's quite simple, really."
"Oh? I don't recall that ever happening to us."
"Well, you're a TV show, and retcons are usually restrained to comics, so this is an odd situation."
"Well, give me an example of a retcon."
"Okay. The Beast Boy miniseries. You had to be 21 or so, maybe even a little older. But then, in the Geoff Johns Titans series that is ongoing, he has clearly put you at 19."
"...I had a miniseries? AND NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT?"
"Uh, excuse me," Judge interrupted. "Aren't we seriously damaging the fourth wall here?"
"Pssh, like I care," said the squad leader. "No one's gonna get this joke anyway. But ANYWAY…it seems as if someone has retconned 'The End.'"
DUN, DUN, DUUUNNNNNNN!
Everyone looked around, wondering at the source of this sudden sound effect.
"Aaaalllrighty then. Now, we just need to contain the source of this retcon…"
"Superboy Prime?" suggested Robin. Probably about four of you get this, and you're most likely snickering right now.
"No…for I have my HANDY-DANDY RETCON DETECTOR! And it says that (for once) Superboy Prime is NOT the cause of a modern-day retcon!"
DUN, DUN, DUUUNNNNNNN!
"Okay, could someone, like…turn that off or something?" asked Cyborg. "It's givin' me the heebie-jeebies."
"Hmm," mumbled the squad leader. "It seems as if the source is over here…in this wall…we'll need to break it open!"
"That would be the fourth wall," said Slade. "We can't break that. It would destroy the fabric of reality as we know it."
"Actually, no," the squad leader corrected him. "The only way to truly destroy the fabric of reality is to acknowledge the existence of other universes outside amalgam and syndication."
"It doesn't matter. We've got to stop that source before this retcon destroys Raven's back-story!"
"Thus destroying one of the coolest and most unique characters to ever come out of the eighties!" added Raven.
"True!" agreed Beast Boy.
"Unlike the sixties," snorted Slade. "Only one really good hero every came out of that."
"Pfft, no. You were at your best in the eighties. I'm talking about Spider-Man—oh shit."
And thus, the fabric of reality is destroyed. All that is left now is an endless white void. A girl peeks her head in from the side of the screen. She starts to unpeel a banana.
"Oy. I tell ya, this is what happens when you come back to try to write fanfiction after too long away." Chomp. "Mmm. Dishashter. Goo' bahaha."
A chimp walks up. "That's disgusting. Swallow and respond to your reviews like a responsible author."
"Yeah, yeah, keep yer pansh oh." Gulp. "Okay…let's see here…Apple of Discord. Thanks, I love Law and Order too. Always nice to meet a fellow fan. Cool name too. I'm a huge Greek mythology fan. Hmm, next…OOH, it's sky.davis! Love your stuff, sky! Glad you liked all the stuff, I crammed as much in as possible. Ah, TGS…it's good to see you again, bud! Hmm, I had never considered that pun. I actually never did catch the entire Mother Mae-Eye ep, but I did read the script on TGN, so I knew what went on.
"Moonshine Ryu, thank you for the compliments, they are much appreciated. Jimmy the Gothic Egg. You are right my friend, Raven is…well-liked. If I recall, in the comics thus far she has: had a short stint with Nighwing, a relationship with Kid Flash, shared mutual crushes with Jericho, dated some creepy soul-sucking dude Eric Forrester, some flirtation with Obsidian (eh, he was gay anyway), a stalker-stalkee relationship with Brother Blood (Jr.), turned into a crazy lesbian and made out with Starfire, and a relationship, which currently may or may not be still going, with Beast Boy…not necessarily in that order.
"CrystalFlower, it is a visual gag in anime when a character is thinking dirty thoughts for their noses to bleed. Phantom Moon, you obviously got your wish. TTHPFan…I know the feeling. Thank you also, Valda. Brenda O, I am a huge SVU fan, but I would feel strange writing about TT sex crimes."
"Well, it feels good to be back," says Chimpy.
"It sure does," says Blowfish. "Strange, though. I'm so out of the loop. But now I shall write more fanfiction in an effort to get back in the loop! I swear it!"
"Wanna go get some boardwalk fries first?"
RAWR, BLUE BUTTON!