DISCLAIMER:I shamelessly stole these characters from J.K. Rowling. The idea of the "killer Peeps" was generously lent to be my Victoria P. It started as an X-Men fic and I brought it into the world of Harry Potter. If you would like to read the original versions you can go to http://musesfool.freehosting.net/peeps.htm and laugh your ass off.
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Harry Potter and his friends Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley had just finished dinner and were heading back to Gryffindor Tower when they heard the drawling voice of one Draco Malfoy. The trio hated Malfoy with a fiery passion. Ever since they had arrived at Hogwarts School, Draco had gone out of his way to cause them pain and suffering.
"I'm glad the Sorting Hat didn't put me in Gryffindor," he said loudly to his friends. "What with the type of people they let in," Malfoy was flanked by Crabbe and Goyle, his two big, stupid friends. They chuckled dumbly then scowled menacingly and cracked their knuckles at the trio of Gryffindors. Harry rolled his eyes. Malfoy's taunts were getting old.
"Better Gryffindor than Slytherin," he shot back. "You know no one good can come out of a house with a snake as a mascot."
Draco was about to say something rude back when they were interrupted by the "ahem" of Professor Minerva McGonagall. She was the strictest Professor at Hogwarts and would surely give them detention if she knew they were fighting. She put her hands on her hips and screwed her face up tightly. Her mouth barely moved at all when she asked, "What is going on here?"
"Nothing, Professor," Malfoy announced with fake cheer. "Potter was just asking me for help with his Potions. Everyone knows how poorly he does in Potions." He smirked at Harry.
Professor McGonagall was about to say something but she closed her mouth abruptly. There was a strange noise coming from the Great Hall. It sounded like...no! It couldn't be! Professor Dumbledore had taken every precaution to make sure they couldn't get into Hogwarts.
Panicked, Minerva instantly forgot the students and threw open the doors to the Great Hall. Her eyes met the bleakest scene she had ever laid eyes on and it was all pastel. It was too late. Everyone inside the Great Hall was lost. Quickly, she closed the doors again and stood in front of them, blocking the students' view. She had to protect them.
"What is it, Professor?" Harry asked concerned.
"Bunnies," she hissed. "We have to get out of here before they--"
There was a loud explosion from inside the Great Hall. Everyone jumped out of the way. When the smoke cleared their eyes widened in shock and horror. Before them stood hundreds of brightly colored marshmallow bunnies. The bunnies shrieked at them. "Fic! Must make fic!"
"Why they look like Easter candy," Hermione whispered. She thought of the Muggle candy called Peeps that littered stores around Easter time. On closer inspection she realized they were Peeps! They were even colored in pink, yellow and purple pastel sugar! But somehow they were alive.
"No!" McGonagall cried out in fear. "They have wands!" The bunnies did indeed have wands, but how they held them was a mystery since the bunnies had no hands. She hustled the kids in the other direction and tried to get them out of there. "Move!" she yelled.
The bunnies turned their attention to the fallen Professor. They yelled something in unison and a great, pink streak of light flew out of the lead bunny's wand. The kids couldn't hear what it was. But suddenly she wasn't herding them toward the door anymore. She had straightened up and was walking in the direction.
"Excuse me, I have to go have sex with Albus," she announced happily and left.
The students looked at each other in disgust. "Oh! Mental images I didn't need!" Draco gasped.
"What should we do?" Ron asked turning his attention back to the advancing evil, Easter candy.
"I don't know! She seemed to be afraid of them. We have to get out of here," Hermione reasoned. But Crabbe and Goyle seemed to have formed their own plan. They were staring at the bunnies with hungry looks in their piggy eyes. Unaware of the danger, the advanced toward the mass of yummy sugar with mouths watering.
"Come back!" Draco yelled at his henchmen but even he couldn't control their gluttonous ways.
The massive forms of Crabbe and Goyle disappeared into the mass of marshmallow. The bunnies jumped on them and shouted things in high pitched voices that the others couldn't hear. Soon Goyle's screams resounded throughout the hallways. "No! I won't do that! I won't!"
The others looked at each other with panic stricken faces. "Run!" Harry yelled. The four took off in the opposite direction conscious of the fluffy bunnies hopping after them.
"Is that how you get to famous? I could've said run," Draco grumbled as he followed after Harry.
They reached the stairs and climbed as fast as their little legs could carry them. Instinctively Harry was moving toward the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. Surely there was something their that could help them fight these dastardly rabbits. When the four reached the classroom, they were met with a most unexpected scene.
Professor Remus Lupin was sitting behind his desk, smiling serenely. "P-Professor Lupin?" Harry asked in shock.
"Hullo, Harry!" He said happily. "Guess what? I've returned to my position of Defense of the Dark Arts teacher."
"But...but," Hermione sputtered, "You quit! You said you didn't want to kill any of us!"
"Yeah! And Dumbledore was swimming in letters of protest. I know. I wrote most of them," Draco stared at him open mouthed.
Lupin didn't seem to hear them. He cocked his head to one side and offered them tea.
"Professor? Didn't you hear us?" Harry wondered, "How can you be here?"
Lupin sighed as if this should be obvious. "Plot hole," he explained.
"Plot?" Ron bellowed. "What plot? This isn't a story! This is real life!"
Lupin shook his head. "You're wrong, Ron. This is a fic," They all gasped. A fic? That was what the bunnies kept yelling. But what was this 'fic'? Surely it must be something evil.
"Oh, no," moaned Hermione. "They got him too!
Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron turned tail and ran in the opposite direction. They had to find someone who could help them. Or at least some place safe to hide. The plot bunnies were on the loose and they didn't know how to stop them. Heck, they didn't even know what they were.
They found themselves in the dungeons. Professor Snape was sitting behind his desk grading papers with big, red Fs and looking pleased with himself. He started when the four students entered and bolted the door behind them.
"Bunnies," Draco panted, "Big pink ones. They're everywhere. They made McGonagall and Dumbledore fall in love and we just saw Fred and George Weasley mindlessly setting off dung bombs! I don't think they can do anything else!"
Snape turned even more pale than usual. "Oh no. How did they find us?"
Just then, the dungeon door swung open revealing a sea of pastel bunnies. They all screamed. "Must make fic!" and pointed their wands at the wizards menacingly.
"There's even more of them!" Hermione shrieked. "They're multiplying like, well, rabbits!"
The bunnies cackled. "You can't stop us. We have creative license!"
A pretty, purple bunny turned toward Snape who backed away instinctively. "Snapefic!" it bellowed.
Snape was hit by a jet from the bunny's wand. He was disoriented for a moment then turned toward his students. "I'm really not as bad as I seem you know. I never felt loved as a child. Once you get through to my hard shell, you'll find and ooey gooey center just bursting to be realized. I joined Voldemort only to realize that he was a horrible, dark wizard. I mean, who knew?" He thought about it for a moment. "I think I'll go frolic."
The bunnies giggled. They were proud of their handy work.
Draco nearly vomited. "Set him right!" he demanded.
"You ain't seen nothin' yet!" The bunnies looked at each other and smiled enigmatically. "MWPP!" they yelled.
Five young people burst from the bunnies' wands and began to take form. One was tall and looked exactly like Harry. They even wore the same glasses. One had shaggy black hair and seemed wear a look that suggested he was up to no good perpetually. One, Harry recognized as a younger version of Professor Lupin. The only girl was so beautiful it was breathtaking. Her long red hair and dazzling green eyes made her so irresistible that Snape fell to his knees crying "Lily! Lily! I love you! I don't care that you're a Gryffindor! I want you to have my babies!" Harry nearly passed out.
Finally, there was a short, pudgy boy who stood off to the side of the group. He had two devil horns poking out of his head, he carried a big pitch fork and had '666' tattooed on his forehead but the others didn't seem to notice.
The girl and the first boy were fighting. "I hate you!" she yelled.
"I hate you!" he yelled back. They glared at each other.
Harry had, of course, recognized these people as his parents. "Um? If you hate each other so much how come you got married and had me?"
Young Lily and James stared at him in confusion. They didn't have an answer for their son. "We haven't gotten that far yet," James admitted sheepishly.
"Harry," Ron hissed. "We have to get out of here. We're next." Harry nodded his head fervently. Normally he would have wanted to stay with his parents for as long as possible but the sheer amount of creepiness was overwhelming.
"There's a back door that I can think we can reach. Snape's distracting them," Hermione whispered.
"How do you know?" Draco demanded.
Hermione scoffed indignantly. "I know everything."
Once again the four were off running. Harry led them down the winding corridors towards the statue that lead to Dumbledore's office! "Cockroach cluster! Cockroach cluster!" he bellowed while he was still a good ways off so they wouldn't have to stop.
"Wait!" Ron called while they were ascending the stairs. "What if he and McGonagall are..." he shuddered.
"Professor!" Harry cried as he banged on the office door. "Professor! We need your help! We're being attacked by monster marshmallow bunnies!" There was no answer. He knocked again. "Professor!"
"The office ain't a'rockin'..." Draco drawled. He pushed the door open tentatively.
Hermione screamed loudly when she saw the carnage. Dumbledore was lying lifelessly in his chair. There had apparently been a struggle because there were gobs of marshmallow and sugar in his silver hair. It looked like a can of Pepto Bismol and Fluff had exploded in his office.
Our heroes ambled down the stairs again dejectedly. It was all over. Hogwarts had been taken over by killer bunnies, all the Professors and students were under their spell and Dumbledore was dead. There was no escape for them. They were truly out of options.
"Isn't there anyone who can help us!?!?" Harry screamed to no one in particular.
"We'll help you!" The foursome whirled around facing two exceptionally beautiful young women. They were just... perfect.
"Who are you?" Ron asked in awe of their unbelievable beauty and intelligence.
"I'm Mary," said the first girl a blonde who sounded like she was from America. "This is Sue," she motioned to the brunette beside her. "We can do anything. We're stronger than Voldemort and know everything about everything. But be forewarned, if we do help you, you'll fall hopelessly in love with us."
"You won't be able to resist our charms. And," Sue chuckled, "Why would you want to?"
"How'd you get here?" Draco asked skeptically. "I've never seen either of you before."
"We're transfer students," they explained. The boys seemed satisfied with that answer and started telling them all about their problems and sobbing on their shoulders. "There, there," said Mary and Sue.
"Ahem!" Hermione called loudly. The boys turned around curious as to what could possibly be wrong with these girls around. "Don't you think it's strange that they transferred here the same day the bunnies attacked?"
The boys didn't seem to think so. They just shrugged and returned their attention to Mary and Sue. Hermione screamed in frustration. "Men!"
"Need some help?" called another unfamiliar voice.
"Yes!" Hermione yelled back, unsure of where the voice was coming from.
"No!" the boys yelled at the same time.
Three forms emerged from the darkness of the hallway. Hermione gasped when she saw them. They were horribly deformed, some of them had missing limbs and one of them, a boy, had no limbs at all. He just sort of hopped toward them. "What's wrong with them?" Hermione breathed not really wanting to know the answer.
"They're incomplete characters," Mary explained as if that should have been obvious. "The authors didn't bother to give them real depth or personality. Poor dears."
Hermione felt her heart swell with compassion for these poor souls. "Who are you?" she asked.
"We're your children!" they chirped proudly.
"What?!?" The boys weren't paying Mary and Sue any attention anymore. They looked completely terrified.
"Who?... What?... How?...Why?...WHY GOD WHY?!?" Draco panicked.
"We don't have children! We're fourteen!" Ron yelped.
Mary and Sue smiled at the children pleasantly. Then turned to the boys and waggled their eyes suggestively. They screamed.
"They're in with the bunnies!" Harry pointed and accusing finger.
Nothing instills more fear in young boys than the idea of becoming fathers. They shouted again and then took off as fast as they could in the other direction. Hermione rolled her eyes. "Yes. Obviously. Where have you been?" she answered patronizingly as she ran off after them.
Soon, however, the men wished they had stayed where they were. A virtual army of peeps were advancing on their position. The bunnies were absolutely beside themselves with happiness that they had found their targets. They hopped forward wagging their evil cotton tails and twitching their little noses but in an diabolical way. The foursome clutched each other in fear. The bunnies had spotted them and there was no where left to run.
"Please," Harry stepped forward from the group bravely. "Take me. Leave them be."
The bunnies only laughed in response. "D/G fic!" they yelled ignoring his pleas.
Suddenly Ginny Weasley had appeared on Draco's arm. She was smiling up at him lovingly. "Draco..." she cooed.
Instead of being repulsed, Draco took her into his arms and stared deep into her brown eyes. "I love you, Ginny," he professed. "I don't care that my family will hate you or that you're a Gryffindor and I'm a Slytherin. Our love can overcome any obstacle. I'll deny my father and refuse my name if I have to. All I want is to be with you, then I'll be happy forever." Ginny sighed happily and kissed him.
"What the hell?" Ron sputtered. He turned on the peeps angrily. "What have you done to my sister?!?"
The bunnies laughed malevolently. "H/R fic!" Another stream of light erupted from their wands and hit Ron and Hermione in their heads. Ron was seized with an indescribable urge to take Hermione into his arms and never let go again. They kissed passionately.
Harry flinched. Well, this was awkward. "Why is everyone getting snogged but me?" he asked.
"If you really want someone to snog," Draco suggested without looking up from Ginny's eyes. "There are a bunch of bunnies over there." He waved his hand in the bunnies' general direction.
"No!" shouted one of the yellow bunnies obviously not happy with the way things were going. "H/H fic!"
Hermione was ripped from Ron's arms and landed on top of Harry. He smiled up at her dumbly and said, "I love you."
"I love you too."
"I thought you loved me?" Ron barked.
"No. That was a minute ago. Try to keep up, Ron dear."
"NO!" cried the purple bunnies. They didn't like this scenario either. "D/Hr fic!"
Hermione was once again pulled off the ground and landed in Draco's arms this time. Ginny and Harry were instantly forgotten. "I love you, Hermione," he professed. "I don't care that my family will hate you or that you're a Gryffindor and I'm a Slytherin. Our love can overcome any obstacle. I'll deny my father and refuse my name if I have to. All I want is to be with you, then I'll be happy forever." Hermione sighed happily and kissed him.
"I bet you say that to all the girls," Ron spat bitterly.
"We have to do something!" Ginny screeched.
"Like punch Malfoy in the nose?" Ron suggested.
"No!" she threw herself between Draco and Ron. "This isn't right. Hermione doesn't love Draco. I don't love Draco either."
"Well that's a relief," Harry muttered. "Hey! You two!" He shook Draco and Hermione but they paid him no heed. "Snap out of it!"
"They're making us do these things. We have to stop them!" Ginny wailed.
"How?" Ron sighed dejectedly. "They beat Dumbledore for chrissake. We're not powerful enough to stop them."
Just then, the group heard a familiar 'POP' as someone apparated between them and the peeps.
Harry gasped and clutched his scar. "VOLDEMORT!"
"That's right! Now that that Mudblood lover is gone. I am free to take Hogwarts!" he cackled then added as an aside. "Or at least what's left of it."
Hermione wretched herself out of Draco's grasp. "Wait a second. You can't apparate or disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!"
The Dark Lord turned to her and glared. "Stop being such a know-it-all. Boys don't like smart girls."
Ginny snorted. "Obviously that's not true." She looked from her brother to Harry to Draco and finally to Hermione. "Ho."
Voldemort raised his wand against the peeps. "All right. I'm the only evil overlord around this neck of the woods. I don't know where you're gonna go but you can't stay here."
The bunnies didn't budge. "Fic! Must make fic!" They bounced up and down.
"What is this fic they keep talking about?" a befuddled Ron wondered.
"Now see here!" Voldemort stamped his foot childishly. "You're all going to leave and I am going to be Master of the Universe." Harry held in a laugh. "What?" Voldemort asked. "What's wrong with Master of the Universe?"
"Fic! More fic!" The bunnies continued to hop and shout.
"Avada Kedavra!" he shouted at them. But nothing happened. They continued to hop and shout for fic.
"They're inanimate candy, bunnies. You can't kill them." Hermione gulped.
Voldemort rolled up the sleeves on his robes. "Well then. I didn't want to come to this, but I'm just going to have to eat you all." The young wizards gasped. Eat them? He grabbed a little pink bunny, which wriggled in his grasp, and shoved it into his mouth.
Harry stepped back expecting something terrible to happen. He couldn't believe Voldemort had just dared to put one of those things in his mouth. Sure enough, just as Riddle was reaching for his second peep he fell to the ground clutching his chest in pain.
"It's all that sugar! His body can't take it!" Ginny wailed.
"I can almost see his arteries hardening!" Draco screamed.
"He's gonna blow!" Ron grabbed Ginny and Hermione and pulled them back from the writhing Voldemort.
The fivesome took cover. Seconds later, a loud explosion engulfed the hallway. The kids were splattered with bits of bunny and 'Master of the Universe.'
"Eww," Harry shuddered. "That's gonna leave a mark."
"Gross. That stain is not going to come out," Draco grumbled.
"Oooh. NO!" Ron groaned. "They're still there." The bunnies were, in fact, still bouncing around the hallway demanding more fic as though no one had just exploded there. "They're like cockroaches. You can't get rid of them."
"Yeah," Hermione assented. "You should see Muggle stores before Easter."
"Now what? They're coming this way!" Ginny queried.
"Maybe if we ignore them, they'll go away?" Ron suggested. They all shot him annoyed looks.
"Fic! Fic!" the Peeps yelled.
"We have to get out of here," Harry announced. He looked around for an exit but there wasn't one. "We could--" he stared only to be cut off by the most dreaded shout of all.
Draco grabbed Harry abruptly and kissed him fiercely.
"Argh!!! My eyes!" Ron screamed.
"I'm blind," Ginny waved her hands in front of her face. "I'm blind."
The bunnies were pleased with what they had done and hopped happily. Ron saw the window of opportunity and took it. He seized Ginny and Hermione's hands and took off; head down and running hard.
"Wait! What about Harry and Draco!" Ginny protested.
"We can't help them where they've gone!" Ron answered and kept running.
They reached the highest tower sweating and out of breath. The Peeps would find them. They had to think of a way to get out of there. "What now?" Hermione asked.
"We could--" Ron began but then shook his head. No that wouldn't work.
"Or we--" Hermione realized that idea was stupid too.
"There's no way out!" Ginny sobbed. She sunk defeated to the cold floor. "We're doomed."
Ron hung his head. "Then there's only one thing left to do."
"No!" Hermione protest with fear written across her face. "Anything but that!"
"Hermione... we have to." He whispered. She began to cry. He was right. It was the only thing left to do.
They could hear the Peeps outside the door now. There were muffled sounds of bouncing as they tried to break it down. Ron walked over to the door willing them to magically go away but he knew it wasn't possible. Resigned to the fact that they had lost, he slowly opened the doors.
"All right. We'll do whatever you want. We'll take part in your 'fic.' Just don't hurt us," he begged.
The bunnies let out whoops of joy. They cheered and bounced up against each other in celebration. They still had another horrible, embarrassing plot up their sleeves. "Sillyfic!" they shouted in unison.
There was a crack like a whip and Ron, Ginny and Hermione found themselves fighting mutant candy and snogging each other. The bunnies voices still ringing in their ears.
"LONG LIVE THE FIC!"
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A/N:All right. I realize that was weird. Of course, I had to make the plot bunnies triumph in the end. I love them just as much as everyone else does. (Why else would I write fan fiction?) But I will leave you with this final thought taken from the Just Born website, that's the company that makes the evil Peeps. "This Easter, more than 600 million Marshmallow Peeps and Bunnies will be consumed by men, women, and children throughout the United States."