A/N: Okay, so I'm alive. My fics aren't in too good a condition though. I can just picture them now, all bony and skeletal with cobwebs… crumbling into dust and dieing. Hmm… at some point I will remember to work on those. Anyway, to the point. I was reading quizzes on Quizilla and a few fics on FFN when this idea jumped into my head like a kangaroo on crack. Keep in mind it's not perfect and I have no clue whatsoever where it will go but I promise I'll stick with this one through the end. Okay I take that back. I dislike making promises I probably won't keep. Now, Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize, I don't own. That doesn't mean that certain characters don't live in my bedroom. wink wink And you might recognize stuff that you have seen in other fics. I do not own any of that either and probably didn't mean to use it.

Summery: Erm… Well, this is what would happen if someone were to open a business and hunt LOTR characters. Oh, dear.

Special thanks: (Geez this is getting long) I'd like to give a special thanks to Legolover whose fic 'How To Catch An Elf' was the key inspiration of this.


Chapter One

Charlie stood at the window and looked out over the grounds of her mansion. The sun had set and everything was bathed in moonlight. Sighing, she turned from the window and moved over to her desk. Hitting a button on the intercom, she connected herself with security.

"Farber," she said into the intercom.

"Yes, Ms. Willows," came the voice of her butch head guard.

"Will you please get out of the booth at the front gate. The streaker is running through the yard again."

"Aw. Crap," called the burly man. "I'll get on it right away, ma'am."

"Thank you," Charlie said tiredly.

Plopping into her office chair, Charlie put her feet up on her desk. "What to do? What to do," she asked herself quietly. "My inner fan girl has been trying to claw her way out again and fics just won't satisfy her. Last time that happened I wound up getting smacked with a restraining order. Literally."

Charlie steepled her fingers and leaned back in the chair. Her mind raced with thoughts. "I need to prevent that from happening again. But how?"

Getting up, Charlie began to pace. She mumbled to herself. She jotted things down and then crumpled up the paper and threw it away. Charlie did everything she could to help her think of something. She even tied the noodle dance. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally, out of boredom she settled down in front of her computer and started to skim through fan fictions. Finally she came across one titled "How To Catch An Elf" by Legolover. Charlie snapped her fingers as an idea suddenly hit her like a sack of potatoes.

"I've got it!" A sly smirk spread across her face. "I'll catch the characters I want. MWHAHAHAHA!"

There was a knock on the door and Farber poked his head in, cutting Charlie's evil laugh short. "Uh… Ma'am. The streaker got away again…"

"Oh… well… That's okay… I mean, it's not so bad having a streaker run through your yard every night…" She gave a cough. "Is it Farber?"

Afraid of being fired, Farber was quick to agree. "Right. Of course, ma'am."



"You can leave now."

"Yes, Ma'am." And Farber left to return to his post at the front gate of the estate.

Then, Charlie picked up the phone on her desk and made a few calls.

The next day, Charlie woke up bright and early. "Today's the day," she sang as she jumped out of bed and quickly dressed in camo. She pulled her hair back in a ponytail and dashed down the stairs, bursting through the front doors of her mansion.

Laying on her doorstep were several large crates. On top of one, was a yellow and black book. Charlie picked it up and read the cover. 'Hunting Fictional Characters For Dummies.' After a moment of flipping through, Charlie through the book over her shoulder, accidentally hitting the streaker and knocking him out.

Gracelessly, Charlie attacked the nearest crate which was as tall as she was. Tearing it open, she peered inside. Under all the pink packing foam peanuts, she finally found a sling shot.

"Well, this is useless." Deciding she should keep it anyway, Charlie tucked it into her belt.

The next crate which was half the size of the first one, contained a sniper rifle and a suitcase full of tranquilizers. Under more of the pink packing foam, Charlie found a net, a cardboard box, and rope. Grabbing them all, she ran to her garage and after looking over her large selection of cars, she jumped into a jeep, which she conveniently had for such an occasion.

The wheels spun and Charlie took off. She was in such a hurry that she crashed through her front gate. As she was speeding down the road, a thought hit her like the bug that had just splattered on her windshield.

Charlie asked herself, "How the hell am I supposed to get into Middle Earth?"