Jiraiya witnesses Naruto's terrible luck with women, and lo and behold! He takes it upon himself to give Naruto a work-in-progress manual to have his student learn the ways to woo the kunoichi of his dreams!
Comedy ensues as just about every other female shinobi is enamored with Naruto except the one he dedicated himself to.
COPYRIGHT: In Soviet Russia, you own Naruto. Over here, Naruto owns you.
Kunoichi means female ninja.
Shinobi is an interchangeable term for ninja.
Apologies for their use. Since ninja is a japanese word, I employed similar words to not over use it.
A blond, orange-clad boy picked himself off the ground and gave himself a quick pat down. Each soft clap of an open hand on fabric let off a puff of dust -only stopping once he felt satisfied enough of his relative cleanliness. However, his impromptu clean up and the remaining dirt that clung to him was proof enough of another rejection from his dear Sakura-chan.
"Damn it!" Uzumaki Naruto swore, kicking at a (absolute) defenseless pebble and sending it to the curb. "Why won't Sakura-chan like me!-? Atleast I treat her better than that jerk, Sasuke!" He ranted to himself.
Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and a man had seemingly appeared next to Naruto (-in truth, he'd merely snuck in whilst the smoke afforded him the luxury of 'appearing'). The man's aged appearance and worn, stale-white clothing gave him the outward appearance of a Sage. However, everyone that knew of this man also knew a more appropriate name for him...
"Ero-sennin!" Naruto exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at said man.
The man; Jiraiya, one of the renowned Three Legendary Ninjas, had grit his teeth upon hearing the name his student had adopted for him. However, instead of promptly reprimanding the boy, he ignored it in favour of the more important news that he was about to impart.
"Naruto..." Jiraiya started solemnly, making sure said boy would pick up on the serious tone.
The aforementioned Naruto quickly took note of the attitude in their conversation and so forced himself to focus in taking great care to hear his teacher's next worldly advice. Jiraiya may have been one to spout nonsense -especially when concerning matters of the flesh, but he was still a pretty darn good teacher (when it counted) and an even better ninja.
"I had seen your dismal performance just now." Jiraiya continued.
Naruto wracked his brains. He had conjured Kakashi-sensei's latest training exercise that was inconjunction with a mission, but he didn't think he did that bad. It was D-rank after all and most D-rank missions didn't even require brain activity.
"Training wasn't that bad, Ero-sennin." Naruto defended himself with a shrug.
"I didn't mean your training, Naruto!" With a closed fist, Jiraiya bopped the young boy on the head, who flinched and rubbed the sore spot. "I meant your technique." The white-haired man pointed out, striking out a pose of one pointing towards the sky and beyond.
"My technique...?" Naruto wondered what in the world the old man was talking about. Had he gone senile? Correction: more senile?
"Yes. In fact, I've more-or-less written a manual to help you out." Jiraiya reached into his robes and retrieved a worn book. "Though it's unfinished, I'm sure it ought to cover a hopeless cause like you. You'll definitely find a use for it." The frog sage stated, handing the book over to Naruto.
Naruto accepted it with open arms, completely excited at the premise. The book clearly looked like a sort of proto-type. Weathered-looking, leather-bound, scratchy pages, no title... Who knows what kind of impressionable wonders this book could hold...?
Then Naruto opened the book.
Single Ninja on the Town.
"The Single Male Shinobi Guide to Woo the Kunoichi of Their Dreams."
Naruto read the title aloud.
It was the end of the day when one dead-tired Uzumaki Naruto burst through his own apartment door. He'd been rejected by his teammate and love-interest Haruno Sakura no less than 8 times today. A new daily record if he ever bothered counting tabs. Taking a seat at the kitchen table, he sighed audibly, lamenting if he only knew what he was doing wrong...
Then he'd happened to eye his paperweight for the pile of open scrolls he'd left there earlier. In fact, a handful of days earlier.
The paperweight had been Jiraiya's 'training' manual.
Thinking back to when he'd received it and read the cover, the blond-haired ninja recalled the pervert-hermit had gone on to claim that this guide would help shinobi men everywhere with their love lives. However, when the elderly ninja was on his way to have the book edited, he had witnessed his own student's poor and lacking ability in these matters, and thus he being the (self-proclaimed) generous and venerable master, took it upon himself to give his student the beta copy, so as to benefit from the experience before other shinobi males take their chances.Obviously Naruto didn't take well to the idea of a manual being written by a pervert and thus the book had received its appointed paperweight status.
"Heh. I found a use for your book alright." Naruto snickered, enjoying the private joke to himself.
Then he tore his eyes away and had his head propped up by an arm focusing on more pressing recent matters at hand -like say: what's for dinner. However, his imagination had decided to interfere...
A brief day-dream of eyebrows reading the book and suddenly having Sakura by his side had Naruto gasp aloud. In fact, the idea had been so disturbing that when the blond member of Team 7 woke from his lapse, allowing his eyes to focus on the item solely in his field of vision. Somehow, whilst his mind wandered, his gaze unconsciously retraced itself back to the weary book.
On seeing it, Sakura-chan's smiling face briefly flitted his thoughts.
But Naruto looked away.
Ero-sennin was not to be trusted with matters of the heart! Look where it got him! A lonely perverted old man! And to think he wrote a book on love! Utterly ridiculous!
It was only after the 9th unconscious staring, did Naruto reach over to satisfy his curiousity.
Though Jiraiya did write a book on love, therein lay a piece of logic the Uzumaki male couldn't counter. Considering the older man's terrible luck with women in the first place, in theory, it would work well to do the opposite of what the pervert did...
So Naruto opened the book. Turning to the page after the title, he found an Index.
(an unreadable hastily crossed out sentence)
Surprised that his teacher went through the trouble of even including a list of contents, Naruto had to ponder if his teacher really does think his material to be good enough to publish AND possibly aid others in (Jiraiya's words) 'their as-of-yet unsuccessful love-lives'.
"Oh well, I don't think I got trouble with the rest this stuff. I'll just skip right to dating..." Naruto said aloud to himself. Thinking that he knew more than enough to do for Sakura, the whiskered male figured he warranted the right to the chapter he'd likely need help in.
Flipping volumes of pages aside, he'd just missed the 'Dating' chapter and started back tracking when he halted in mid-turn.
Biting his lower-lip, Naruto's shaky hand closed the book.
Ermm... There were additional chapters that his teacher didn't list (or rather did, but was in a hurry to cover up). Stuff that comes after dating... Stuff that comes when he's older...
Naruto quickly shook his head to clear it of the weird things he'd seen. "Okaaaaay..." Naruto held the book at arms length, like he'd done to that Madam Shijimi's darlingly insanely rabid pet cat. Then he opened it to a random page that wasn't past the dating chapter.
A sigh of relief.
There weren't any out of place fan-service images. In fact, the other pages were illustrated appropriately for their chapters.
"Let's start from the start then." Naruto resolutely decided. "If the start isn't good, then I can give the book back and tell him to make it less like himself."
In this day and age, the regular male shinobi is considered to be a heartless tool.
But this is a falsehood! The regular male shinobi must hold close their glass-heart lest they will be overwhelmed! It is because of this reason, that they need an equally strong female shinobi to keep them strong and be able to keep up with them!
And so, comes this guide...
Though aimed at the male ninja audience, this is a solemn reminder that male and female shinobi should know that life is precious and that everything shouldn't be taken lightly. Only through trial and error, hardship and experience, will shinobi eventually learn the three unsaid laws. But since love is fleeting and most reverently desired in youth, thus the rules shall be repeated here so that others may not realise it too late.
Live to Learn. Learn to Love. Love to Live.
Hold close to these three ideals, for this does not only apply to male shinobi, but also kunoichi. All ninja have the same needs, hopes, realities and dreams and will need these three rules to catch a kunoichi to never let go.
"Imagine that." Naruto scratched at his chin. "The old pervert sounds like he knows what he's talking about."
He paused on the page and ran a single finger down the opening paragraph, stopping at a certain point.
"Live to Learn, Learn to Love and Love to Live." Naruto murmured.
He turned the page.
All ninja have the same needs, hopes, realities and dreams and will need these three rules to catch a koi to never let go.
Did you catch the change? This was really a pun, but most people wouldn't understand it and I didn't want to put in unnecessary japanese either. (Koi means either carp or love depending on how it's used.) Atleast, I hope I spelt it correctly.
I wanted to use 'Live to Learn, Learn to Love and Love to Live' as a derivative for the title... But I realised that it sounded more romance-y and not humorous.
Well, well. I had this idea a short while back. It certainly requires less effort than Fox Identity, that's for sure. If you're wondering about the table of contents in Jiraiya's manual is going to be parallel to the contents of this fic, then yes. This fic will be a total of 7 parts: this prologue, 5 chapters (one for each girl) and an epilogue.
Oh, just to be sure, this is going to hint at:
Naru x Hina/Ino/Ten/Tema/Saku
I'll just make it clear that this isn't really a harem fic. Harem fic implies alot of things which this fic will go through, but I assure you you'll notice the difference at the end.
Feedback, constructive criticism and flames welcomed.
Uploaded: August 9th, 2005.
First Revision: October 19th, 2005.
Second Revision: January 19th, 2006.
Third Revision: August 3rd, 2006.