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Chapter 1 - Enter the High Council o' Much Evilness
Out of most of the people in the world who work and all of the ones who don't, villains have the hardest job. Nobody likes them, but the Hero would be nothing without them. It pays great, but the hours stink like week-old sashimi left to marinate under a Texas sun, and sooner or later they end up either dead or turned cloak. (Erm, coat.) No matter how strong they are, they have to lose, because they are the Bad Guys.
And so, in a burst of inspiration spawned from a combination of standardized tests, Jolly Ranchers, and Coulomb's Law, the LAOAFVFTDOEIE—the Loose Alliance of Assorted Fantasy Villains for the Domination of Everything in Existence—came to be. Yep. That's how it happened. Just ask anyone.
The LAOAFVFTDOEIE headquarters was a typical gothic castle, complete with gargoyle statues and bats, located in the heart of a fiery volcano, smack-dab in the middle of a noxious wasteland, on a distant, remote planet, immediately to the left of a black hole. It boasted a grand total of six-hundred and sixty-six guardian dragons, fifty torture chambers, the largest armory known to sentient beings both dead, alive, and neither, an assortment of the rarest spell components, and a twenty-four hour IHOP.
Blue-burning torches—donated courtesy of the Zaibach Empire—cast a pale light over the room. A red and black banner crested with the symbol of the LAOAFVFTDOEIE—a large scribble—hung from the wall. (Being villains, they could not agree upon a sign—Raistlin wanted an hourglass, Sauron an eye, and Dilandau just wanted to burn everything—and so they ended up with a scrawl.) Beneath the banner sat a large, black, stone table; behind the table sat ten heavy chairs of ornately carved, dark wood. Each place held a crystal goblet of red wine, a raven-quill pen, parchment, and a bowl of assorted nuts.
The large, wooden door creaked ominously as it opened, and Raistlin Majere—President of the LAOAFVFTDOEIE due to the inability of the other members to assassinate him thus far—entered, his black robes swishing softly, the cowl pulled low over his face. In filed the other officers silently behind him—Dalamar Argent: Vice-President, Blachloch: Secretary, Sesshoumaru: Treasurer, Queen Mab: Historian, Melkor: Parliamentarian, Sauron: Head of Security, Sang-Drax: Chief Monitor of Good Guy Activity, Dilandau Albatou: Head of Torture, and Pirotess: Reporter and editor of the LAOAFVFTDOEIE's weekly newspaper. In unison they sat, and first spake Raistlin of the hourglass eyes. "Bring in the first candidate."