Complications of Life and Love
I lay on my side miserably on my bed staring out the window as I tried to think back on two nights ago.
I asked myself.
What did I do…?For two straight days I've had vague images randomly flashing in my mind. I wasn't sure whether they were dreams I had or reminiscences from what might have happened. Only one thing was for sure and it worried me. Those images included Kuki.
"I love you" That's the only phrase that kept ringing in my ears. It scared me to think that I might have told her. There was a big possibility that I might have done so. I closed my eyes and relaxed my mind for a little while. I didn't realize that I was touching my lips while I did this. All of a sudden my eyes grew wide when I had another flashback.
I kissed her. I know I did. I don't remember doing it but I know I kissed her. I can feel it.
I sat up straight and thought about it.I kissed her…I told her…she knows…
All of a sudden the door opened and my little brother came running in.
"Wally! She's here!" Joey jumped happily, "Kuki's here!"
I panicked for a moment and stood up not knowing what to do. Should I run out the door? Jump out the window? Hide under my bed? What should I do? Out of desperation, I attempted to get to another room and hide before Kuki finds out that I was there. But it was too late. I opened the door and she was there. She and I both were shocked to see each other despite the fact that we were expecting it.
"Hi…" She tried to smile. I didn't reply. I just stared at her. Before she even bothered to say another word, Joey interrupted.
"Kuki!" He hugged her.
"Hi Joey" She said sweetly.
"Let's go to the ice cream store!" He tugged my hand along with Kuki's hand. I didn't react to anything he said. I just looked down on him.
"Um…Joey" Kuki kneeled to face him, "I baked some cookies and brought some of them over. Why don't you go downstairs and ask for them from your mom?"
Joey yelled happily and tried to go downstairs. But my grip on his tiny hand was stopping him.
"Wally!" He complained as he tried to pull away. I didn't let him go. I didn't want to be left alone with Kuki. But soon enough his childish strength was able to liberate him. I listened to his footsteps as he ran down the stairs. I knew that Kuki was staring at me but I tried to stay focused on Joey's footsteps. When they were gone, I had nothing else to turn to.
"Can I come in…?" She asked me. I didn't reply to her. Nor did I look at her. After a while she silently walked in and closed the door behind her. I wanted to stop her but I didn't have the strength to tell her off. Another awkward moment passed before she took a seat on my bed and gestured for me to sit beside her. Even though I didn't want to, I did as I was told.
Without bothering to get me to look at her straight in they eye, she started to speak. "I wanna talk to you about the other night"
"No…!" I unintentionally muttered.
She stared at me for a few seconds and I still didn't look at her. "Wally, we have to talk about it"
"No we don't" I replied. My mouth had a mind of its own and it was talking to her even though I didn't want it to.
She and I allowed a few minutes of silence to pass by before she spoke again. "Do you remember what happened two nights ago?"
"Do you remember what you said to me?"
"Not all of it…"
"Which ones do you remember?"
I didn't speak. I wanted that moment to be over. I wanted her to be gone.
"Wally, I need your help here…"
"I don't wanna talk about what happened"
"You have to. You can't just turn your back on this!"
"Yes I can!" I finally looked at her, "And I will because I've done it before!"
For a minute she stared at me with an unusual shock in her eyes. I didn't know what she was thinking but it obviously startled her. As we stared at each other it was as if we belonged in two different worlds. We didn't understand each other.
"What do you mean you've done it before? She asked me, "...You turned your back on me, didn't you?"
It was then that I understood why she was shocked to hear what I said. She figured out what I have done.
"You were never going to tell me the truth about how you felt?" I heard a bit of anger in her voice and it weakened me.
"I tried…I couldn't…" I said weakly.
"Since when have you been hiding it from me?"
"Since…I met you…"
"You mean to tell me that you had at least six straight years worth of chances to tell me but you never did?"
"I was going to tell you…but then Chad came along and…"
"Wally!" She said angrily, "You should have told me!"
I couldn't reply to her. I didn't have the strength to.
"You should've said something to me before Chad came along! To think that I used to feel-" She stopped dead right between her words.
I looked at her and saw the anxiety on her face. And I was suddenly desperate to know what she meant to say. "What is it?" I asked her eagerly. As I looked into her eyes, I saw an unfamiliar discomfort in them and I wanted to know what it meant. "What were you going to say…?" I asked her in a gentler way. Her eyes started to fill with tears.
"I loved you, Wally…" She said to me.
It was impossible to explainhow I felt at that moment. I felt a bizarre amount of bliss rising within but at the same time a peculiar type of sorrow revealed itself.
"That's great…!" I found myself saying as I suddenly held on to her hands, "Now we can be together"
She didn't say anything yet I didn't bother to know why. All I did was lean towards her and kiss her. Although my lips pressed against hers, her lips didn't press back. She was sitting still with her eyes straight down and her hands showed no sign of interest in holding onto mine. When I drew myself back I looked at her and wondered why she showed no response. At that time the sorrow inside me started to dominate over the bliss until it disappeared and the agonizing pain was the only feeling left. Swallowing suddenly became a challenge to me as I started to sense that things wouldn't be going the way I hoped it would.
"What's wrong…?" I asked her nervously.
She kept her eyes staring down while she spoke. "We can't be together Wally…"
"W-what…?"My disbelief spoke out on its own.
"I can't…" She tried to continue, "I can't just get out of a serious relationship with Chad just because you and I failed to confess our feelings for each other in time…"
My eyes tried to look into hers but only saw her eyelids and eyelashes pointing down.
"I'm sorry but I can't give you what you want…" She said, "I'm with Chad now…I'm happy…"
And she left.