A/N: some people have actually asked me what I was watching/drinking/eating last night before I went to bed before writing that chapter, well let me tell you think. The only thing I dreamed up was the fact that Professor McGonagall was my creative writing teacher Ms. Price and that my old highschool was Hogwarts.
The rest just comes from my naturally twisted imagination after getting only five hours sleep.
Harry got up and walked down to the kitchen to eat something for breakfast before having to catch the carriage to Hogwarts. He saw Ginny wandering around in what appeared to be a pair of his boxer shorts, which was interesting because he didn't recall ever losing a pair from his trunk. The shorts were red and gold tartan with a snitch down on the bottom of one leg. However, they seemed to look far better on her, as she was also only wearing a tank-top that had a red ball on it and under it said "Chasers are a better catch".
"Good morning, Ginny," Harry said, the monster inside his chest purring slightly as he gazed at her. She smiled at him, turning a bit pink. "Where on Earth did you get those?" he asked, pointing to the boxers.
She shrugged as she picked up her bowl of porridge and started to walk past him. "From your trunk," she said just as she walked up the stairs.
Harry stopped and turned, looking up at the girls' staircase and then started laughing. So the girl had raided his trunk! He wondered about the significance of that just as Ron came down and ruined his good temperament.
Holy mother of God, what would Ron do to me, if he knew I just thought about Ginny wearing my short all the time?
Probably that you're trying to pawn off your old underwear, you dolt!
Harry wondered about the conversation he was having in his brain before offering Ron an apple. "Have a good night last night, Ron?"
Ron grunted unintelligibly as the apple hit his forehead. He staggered over to the cabinet as Dobby showed up wearing an all green outfit that looked very much like he was trying to either be Robin Hood or Peter Pan.
"Ron Weasley wishes something of the magnificent Dobby?" he asked in that squeaky voice of his. He pulled out a bow and a quiver of arrows and grinned up at Ron. "Just think happy thoughts!"
It was a weird combination of both that Dobby was trying to be, only slightly less disturbing because Dobby was already strange to begin with. Ron blinked at Dobby and backed away from the little house elf as he suddenly jumped and went flying around both his and Ron's heads. "Think happy thoughts! Think happy thoughts! And soon you will fly too!" sang Dobby as he suddenly shot an arrow at the open cabinet and a black cat fell out.
Ron and Harry looked to Dobby and then to each other. "Oh ho! How about a nice big fat cat for breakfast, my merry men!" squeaked Dobby. Ron and Harry shook their heads and backed up a bit more from the deranged house elf.
Dobby shrugged and grabbed the cat before jumping and flying out of the kitchen singing, "He can fly! He can fly! He can fly! He can fly! He can FLY!"
Suddenly, however, there was a scream from the house elf as something seemed to be attacking him. "Sounds like the cat wasn't all that dead," said Ron.
Astra walked down the stairs and looked to them groggily. "Have any of you seen my cat Skywise? He's about this big, kinda thin and is stark black."
Harry pointed to where Dobby was still screaming. "Over that way," he said.
Astra blinked, ruffling her already very messy white hair and walked over, disappearing around the corner. Harry looked to Ron with raised eyebrows, waiting for the inevitable explosion. The screaming seemed to stop, thankfully, but now it was deathly quiet. Harry hazarded a walk over to see what was going on and promptly had to clamp his hands over his ears at the volume of Astra's voice screaming at Dobby. "YOU DERRANGED MIDGET! DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH MY CAT AGAIN, OR NEXT TIME IT WILL BE ME THAT KICKS YOU INTO NEXT TUESDAY!"
Then, she walked around, covered in fur, but still catless, and looking very much like a zombie as she passed them. She stuck up a thumb in the direction of where she had come from. "Better call a janitor before Hermione sees that. I don't think I'll hear the end of it and I don't fancy going to Azkaban for murder on my cat's bill."
Ron peaked around the corner and immediately looked sick to his stomach, running out of the room quickly. Astra grunted as he ran into her on the way to the toilet. "WUSS!" she called at him before walking back up the staircase.
A long and lean black cat appeared from around the corner and licked its paws which were covered in something wet that Harry didn't really want to know what it was. Then, he chirped at Harry before limping out, oblivious to the fact that he still had part of an arrow sticking out of his right hind leg.
Harry finished eating and went up to get dressed, deciding on not wearing the sweater part of the uniform and just putting on the red and gold letter jacket that all the Quidditch players wore. His, however, had a snitch on the left sleeve and the word Gryffindor down the right sleeve and a large C on his left breast, a small lion outline on the inside of it. He pinned the captain badge onto the collar of his jacket before picking up his book bag and heading out quickly to catch the carriages before they left without him.
He was met up with Ginny, wearing the girls' school uniform, though also without the sweater and wearing the letter jacket that had a red ball on the left sleeve and her name on the right breast. He grinned at her as they walked together toward the carriages. "Have a good morning in my shorts?" he smirked, starting to turn red at his own audacity.
"Only if you rethink that statement," she grinned evilly.
Harry blinked for a moment before his entire face heated up completely from realizing just what he had said. Ginny, however, was laughing as she trotted over to a carriage and got in with Avalon Knight, who looked about ready to hit someone over the head with something very heavy.
Ron ran up behind him and jumped into a carriage with him, Hermione scurrying in behind them with that heavy book bag of hers. Harry felt the carriage actually sink into the ground as she got on with the book bag, and then felt like some sort of earthquake went off when she dropped it onto the floor.
What the hell do you put in that thing!" gasped Ron as he pulled himself onto the seat again.
"What do you mean? It's my homework and my books, my binders, my cat, my pens, pencils and quills, my snacks, my female things and a few moonrocks for added weight." There was a sound like a cat growling inside the bag as she smiled at them happily. Harry wondered if the insanity of the previous day had some influence on her behavior now.
Astra hopped on with her own heavy book bag, but it wasn't nearly as heavy as Hermione's, and considerably smaller at that. She sat down and sighed as the carriages started heading out, but they were still there. She blinked at Harry and then out the window. "What's wrong? Why aren't we going?"
Harry looked out the door at the Thestral straining to move the carriage. "It's Hermione's bag, she over stuffed it so now the thestral can't move the carriage."
Hermione huffed and tried to move her book bag, but it was too heavy for her to lift again. Astra opened up Hermione's book bag without looking at her and tossed out Crookshanks the cat, some rocks and what looked to be a stereo. "Just what in hell are you trying to do? Make us late?"
"No! I was going to prove you couldn't lift everything better than me!" Hermione shrieked.
Harry closed the door and the carriage started off to the castle quickly. Astra rolled her eyes as she closed Hermione's bag. "I'm half elf, damn it, I'm allowed to be stronger than a normal human," Astra grumbled as she pulled a bit of white hair behind a pointed ear.
Harry wondered why he hadn't noticed them before, since they seemed to stick out quite a bit from her head. "Elf?" he asked, not sure what to believe now.
"Yeah, my sister and I are both half elf," said Astra as she leaned back, crossing her arms in front of her as she peered over her glasses at them. "What of it?"
"Would it make me more of an ass if I said that you're bigger than the elves I've seen books?" asked Ron, a slow grin spreading across his face.
Astra laughed and elbowed him. "Damn straight it would," she grinned.
The carriages stopped in front of Hogwarts and let the students out of them before disappearing around the school to the stables where their good friend the half giant Hagrid took care of the thestrals. However, from around the corner from the stables, appeared Hagrid, hair in a large afro with a hair pick in it and wearing a red leisure suit and black platform boots, as though he wasn't tall enough already.
"Hello, baaaaby," he said to Hermione, grinning at her through his poofy beard. "I heard you lot don't have me as your teacher anymore," he said in a smooth voice, "Too bad, too, baby."
Harry and Ron both stared at Hagrid as though he'd lost his mind. Suddenly, Hagrid struck a pose as some disco music started playing and then started gyrating his hips to it before going into a Russian kick. Then, just as suddenly, the music stopped and Hagrid was looking at Hermione and Astra like they were the latest playwizard models.
"Lets swing, baby, go to my shack and I'll show you what being a half giant is about," he said to the two girls. Astra looked about ready to throw something at him while Hermione was turning bright red.
Ginny came up beside Harry and Hagrid grinned even wider at her, playing with the hair pick in his afro. "Hello there, Ginny Weasley, having a good freshman year?"
Harry tried to get in front of Ginny, but she shoved him out of the way as she smiled brightly at Hagrid. "Why yes, I am."
"Want to make it better? Come down to my shack and I'll butter your waffles," he grinned.
Ginny blinked and stared at Hagrid, completely uncertain as to how to take that. "Er, I already had breakfast in Harry's shorts."
Harry stiffened and turned bright red as Ron looked to Harry with a murderous look in his eyes. "Oh, in his shorts? How about I smother you with molasses and call it breakfast?"
Professor McGonagall walked out wearing her usual black dress and shoved at Hagrid. "BACK! BACK, I SAY! BEFORE I GET THE HOSE!"
Hagrid laughed as disco music suddenly filled the air again and Hagrid danced off. "I gots the FEVAH!" he exclaimed as he walked around the corner. The students stared at a huffing and puffing McGonagall's back before she turned around, pulled a strand back behind her ear and walked off as though nothing had happened.
They walked to their first class, charms, which had Professor Flitwick dressed in a labcoat as he played with his wand on the podium. "No one understands a mad genius! Everyone hates you and tries to throw things into your mad experiments!"
They sat down and watched as he turned around and grinned evilly at them. "Welcome my guinea pigs—oops—I mean students! I shall be beginning by teaching you advanced charms stuff and including in that my charms experiments!" He suddenly pointed at Harry, causing him to jump. "YOU! YOU SHALL BE THE FIRST TO TAKE ON MY EXPERIMENTS!"
Harry blinked at the finger pointed directly between his eyes, causing him a slight headache from his eyes crossing too long. Flitwick jumped from his podium and landed on the desk in front of Harry and pointed his wand at him. "PREPARE YOURSELF FOR YOU IMMINENT DOOM!"
Harry fell out of his seat and pulled out his wand, putting up a shield charm just in time to avoid a bunch of birds flying out at him all with tommy guns. Everyone else ducked under their desks as the insane Flitwick cackled. "FLY! FLY MY PRETTIES!"
Then, just as suddenly as the strange tirade had begun, it stopped and Professor Flitwick as standing there, twirling and putting his wand into his coat like a gun slinger. Then, he bowed at Harry. "You have much to learn, young grasshoppah!" he squeaked before hopping back over to the podium and started teaching the lesson.
Going to his locker, he saw Draco and Pansy once again with all the other Slytherins blocking the way to most of the lockers. Then, suddenly, Pansy grew a beak with a faint pop. Then, she grew yellow feathers and suddenly turned into a canary. Just as she did, Draco turned into one as well, though partially, glaring at Harry. He squawked at Harry for a bit as he hopped up and down growling and squawking at him. Then, Draco began a full canary and flitted up to Harry's head, pecking at him. "Get off me, you pidgeon!"
Then, just as suddenly, Draco landed on Harry, punching him on the nose. "YOU GAVE ME ONE OF THOSE BLASTED CANARY CREMES DIDN'T YOU!" he snarled.
"No, I did," said Astra as she closed her locker. In the ruffle of feathers and Draco acting like Donald Duck, Harry hadn't noticed she'd appeared. Draco snarled at Astra and made to punch her, but she put up her book bag in front of her and his hand hit it with a dull THUNK. "You really should look into not hitting people, you know," she said with a grin, "You never know what will be in a person's bag." She pulled out a rather dense looking book and grinned at Draco evilly.
Hermione smirked from where she was standing as Pansy popped back into existence. "Ten points from Slytherin for fighting in the hallway," she said coolly.
"Ten points from Gryffindor for using an illegal substance," said a silky voice from behind them. Professor Snape was standing there with the ever present Snape puppet on his left hand. "Isn't that right, Scrappy?"
"Yes, yes!" said the puppet in that eerie high voice that was coming out of the corner of Snape's mouth. "And I want to see them dance to the Macarena too!"
"Scrappy?" asked Ron incredulously.
Scrappy the puppet got in Ron's face threateningly. "I've got a few utensils I'd love to use on you if you don't like the name," said Scrappy.
Ron blinked and backed away, hiding behind Hermione. "And ten more points from Gryffindor for insolence!" said Scrappy.
"Indeed, such insolence shouldn't come from children," said Snape as he grinned eerily at Harry. "Especially ones like Potter," he said.
"You tell Malfoy and the rest of his lot that blocking people's lockers is wrong, and then I'll stop tormenting the idiot," said Astra, a look of anger starting to spread on her pale face.
"Detention!" growled Snape. "I want to see you in my office after your last class!" Then, he snapped around and started walking off.
Once again, Scrappy looked over Snape's shoulder and had a pencil in his hand and was stabbing it at them. "Die! Die! Die! I'll turn you all into flies!" it cackled.
Herbology that day seemed to be the only time that a teacher wasn't acting like they'd completely lost their marbles. Professor Sprout, dressed in coveralls and dirt, was bouncing around from one pot to another as she told each student exactly what to do. When Herbology was over, Harry dreaded setting foot outside of the greenhouse. It may have been covered in monstrous plants that would likely stun you and then eat you without a second thought, but at least they weren't poking their heads around the corner with a puppet named Scrappy or jumping around calling people their guinea pigs.
Harry went to lunch only to end up running into Professor McGonagall as she bustled into the Great Hall. "Oh, good afternoon, Harry," she said in her usual tone as she cast a worried look around. Then, she stopped and looked behind Harry at something he didn't dare turn around to look.
"I am the secret SQUIRREL!" squealed Professor Flitwick as he flew over their heads. It was just as bad as Harry feared; Flitwick was dressed in a cape and tights. "HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!"
"He's mighty mouse, all right," said Astra as she looked up at Flitwick landing at the teachers' table and sitting down as though nothing had happened, though Hagrid was still dressed in a leisure suit and an afro.
Harry made it into great hall and sat down at the Gryffindor table just in time to see Astra and Draco run into each other. He didn't see what happened, he just caught what looked to be Draco saying something to Astra and then she slapped him, turning bright red. She stalked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down, having her own eating competition with Ron once again.
"What did he say to you?" asked Ginny.
"Ask yourself this question, Ginny," she said with a completely straight face, "If Draco said something that made you want to slap him, would you want anyone else to ask you what he said?"
Ginny clamped her mouth shut and shuddered. "Why is he even saying anything like that to YOU? You're a Gryffindor and, no offense, but you're a lot bigger than the other girls."
"So are you," grunted Astra, turning pink as she glared at Ginny.
"I am not fat!" grunted Ginny.
"So you WERE calling me fat!" growled Astra as she stood up and slammed a fist into the table. A large chunk of the old English Oak table splintered where her hand met the table. That seemed to end the fight right there, especially since everyone seemed to be looking to the wood and imagining that their face was there instead.
Harry grunted and looked to Ginny and then to Astra, both ignoring each other very adamantly. "Would you two quit it? We're in the same house; you'll both have to apologize at some point! So you're both bigger than the other girls, doesn't mean anything!"
"Are you calling us fat!" snarled both girls at once.
Harry immediately stood up and glared at them. "No! I am not calling you fat! Ginny, you're…. y-you're…" He suddenly turned red as he looked to her, seeing the curves of her body quite clearly. Her hips were a bit wide, but they were round and were connected to shapely legs and her top half was just as nicely shaped. Astra was broad shouldered and busty with a slight curve to her waist and rounded hips, but didn't have the same shape as Ginny.
Harry coughed and got a hold of himself, mentally bitch slapping himself as he looked back at Ginny. Then, he had to bitch slap himself once again before throwing his brain into a blender. He was done for, all right. "You're both very pretty. Ginny, you're curvy and you wouldn't keep getting boyfriends if you weren't pretty. Astra… you're…. a bit scary looking," he said, unable to find a way to compliment her without sounding like a lecher.
Thankfully, she seemed to take that as a bit of a compliment. She laughed and rubbed her nose before pushing her glasses up her nose. "Yeah, I am, aren't I. I was compared to an Amazon once," she laughed. Harry didn't have any trouble imagining that, somehow the image was perfect for what he'd seen of the half elf.
With the matter settled, they all sat down and relaxed, Ginny going back to the conversation before. "As I said, it's a bit weird, what with him hitting on you already and it being only your second day."
"He's probably trying to get a rise out of me, most people seem to enjoy doing that to me; mostly because I don't disappoint them," said Astra, glaring slightly at the green clad table.
She pulled out her wand and grinned nastily as she waved it. A bunch of chickens appeared and flew right onto the tables, though they all congregated to Draco, his green and grey letter jacket clearly visible. Astra grunted. "I hate wand work; I never seem to be able to pull it off quite right."
Draco blinked at the chickens and started to poke at them with his wand. They clucked and some would start giving off a screech every now and then when he started zapping them. He laughed and the rest of the Slytherins started laughing from their table, pointing at the chickens and then at the Gryffindor table.
Draco continued to zap them, making them jump as the girls around him giggled. Suddenly, the chickens stopped jumping. They looked up at Draco, all with angry glares and started attacking him, pecking him mercilessly. "ARGH! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!" he shrieked as he ran around with his arms flailing about.
Harry's eyes widened in shock and then he started laughing. "You should keep doing that! That's perfect!" he said to Astra.
Astra laughed. "I remember what I did wrong, too! I think I like that one!"
Professor McGonagall ran down the steps from the teachers' table and went after Draco and the attacking chickens. Snape, however, stood up and glared at Astra. "Make that TWO detentions, Miss Knight!" he snarled as the puppet waved about on his hand, probably saying something obscene, but was too far away to be heard.
Somewhere, not too far away, on the same island really, the creator of the puppet sneezed and knew that one of his creations was being infringed upon, but he was infringing on someone else's idea, so he couldn't really complain. So he went back to making fake puppet shows about one of his favorite series and whined about not getting Voldemort to look evil enough.
Back in Hogwarts High, however, Harry discovered why he stayed as far away from the music and art section of the school as often as possible. A cacophony of sound could be heard along with paint and sequins on the floor everywhere you stepped. He looked up the corridor to see a purple clad figure running at him, looking much like a bat with his cloak flapping. "GET OUT OF HERE, CHARLIE!"
Then, Harry realized he'd appeared in someone else's story and the creator of the series promptly fainted from shock.
Once the hallucination was gone, Harry went on to go look for his next class, the numbers having switched around on him once again. He suddenly heard a whistle and the sound of cattle mooing as the hallways suddenly filled with children being herded through. "Back! Back I say! Move on out!" called a familiar voice.
Nymphadora Tonks was looking as lank as she had been pretty prone to for a while. She was blowing the whistle and using her wand to swipe at the students like a cattleprod. In fact, that was exactly how it looked like she was using her wand.
Harry slammed himself up against a wall and let the kids pass by him with the metamorphagus herding the mass of kids up the hallway, sounds of cattle mooing dying away. He sighed and found his next class, seeing Ron already in it.
After Astronomy, which turned out to be fairly normal as well, Harry walked on back to Hogsmeade with Ron. Astra, however, got to stay over at the school. She walked to Snape's office and found him talking to his puppet. "Yes, I know they think they know everything, that's why I hate them! Stupid Gryffindors, always hating me!" he whined.
Scrappy, the puppet, spoke in that eerie high voice that came out of the corner of Snape's mouth. "We should burn them! Burn them all and watch them suffer!"
"No no no! I can NOT even THINK of doing such a thing! Just think! I'll be looked down on as such a—aw screw this, let's just kill them all and be done with this," he growled and stood up.
"Good good, then we can make them all into appetizers for the beasties in Hagrid's pen!" squealed Scrappy with joy as he stabbed the air with a pencil.
"Sir, I'm here for my detention," said Astra as she walked in.
Snape turned on her and grinned. "STARTING WITH YOU!"
Astra blinked and stared at Snape. "Sir?"
Scrappy was in her face, stabbing at her with the pencil. "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Astra instinctively grabbed Snape's arm and twisted it around until she had thrown him completely over her shoulder. Snape landed hard and skidded to a halt somewhere in the hallway. He groaned as he stood up and dusted himself off. "Thank you very much," he said with a cough. He grunted and walked back into the room and waved his wand about. "Now, clean this place before I get back and MAYBE I'll decide to make your second detention obsolete." Then, he walked out leaving Astra with a broom, bucket and scrub brush on the floor.
Astra smirked. "At least he didn't say without magic."
Scrappy appeared through the door. "Without magic!"