The Cutting Edge
Author: Chaos Valkyrie
First Conceptualized: April 2005
Posted One-Shot: August 8, 2005
Posted Revisions: August 1, 2006
Disclaimer: Nada, zip, zilch, I own nothing. NOTHING!
Author's Note: All right, you'd better have a gutter mind, 'cause that's where this story came from. Just a quick dirty little one shot that's been bouncing around my head for awhile.
Kaoru could never be sure later how they got on the subject, but she was quick to blame the sake for all of her dirty thoughts.
"So," Megumi started lecherously, hiccoughing lightly, "Whaddya think Kenshin's sword is really like?"
Okon immediately started to giggle, while Kaoru, Omasu, and Misao all looked at one another, puzzled. "Well," Kaoru began hesitantly, "Um, it's a reverse blade sword."
For some reason, that set Okon and Megumi laughing even harder.
"No! Not his sword," Okon gasped between giggles, "His Sword." She made an accompanying hand gesture at crotch level to elaborate her point.
"OKON!" Misao screeched, while Kaoru's hand itched for a bokken. Instead, she brought her sake bowl to her lips in hopes of cooling her fire-red cheeks.
Misao, Okon, Omasu and Aoshi had come to visit the dojo in Tokyo, and this was their final farewell celebration. Sano had already dragged Kenshin and Aoshi off to one of his favorite dives, Yahiko was staying at Dr. Genzai's, and that left the girls to celebrate on their own. And so Megumi, with sake bottles in hand, had decided to instigate this very probing line of inquiry.
"I mean, come on Kaoru, haven't you ever wondered about Kenshin's… you know?" Omasu giggled, finally in on the joke.
"You mean his penis," Megumi clarified, sipping her sake.
"MISS MEGUMI!" Now it was Kaoru's turn to screech.
"What, Kaoru? That part of the anatomy does have a proper name you know," Megumi was able to hold her usual surgical crispness for a few seconds before she started chuckling again. "You really should see the look on your face right now."
Even Misao, pink faced as she was, giggled. Kaoru was gaping, her mouth wordlessly flapping open and shut like a goldfish.
"I have a theory," Okon stated with a dramatic pose, "That every man's sword is somehow rema-… reminshint…" she stuttered.
"Reminiscent?" Megumi asked.
"Yah. Reminishcent," Okon slurred while Megumi shook her head, "of their Real Sword," Okon finished proudly, before hiccoughing herself.
The other women merely looked at her, stunned.
"So," Okon continued, "That's means that Kenshin's is on backwards!" She laughed. Kaoru shook her head, while Omasu poured them all some more sake.
Megumi chuckled. "I don't think it quite works that way…"
Misao's eyes were dancing merrily. "Does that mean he's a quick draw too?" she asked, getting into the hang of it.
All five women started laughing fit to burst.
"Do you think we should let them know that we can hear every word they are saying?" Sanosuke asked thoughtfully. The men had been back for quite some time, hanging out in the courtyard, talking and waiting for the women to go to bed. One look at Aoshi's stoic demeanor and Kenshin's tomato red face confirmed it.
"Nah, perhaps not." He smirked.
"Well, I can tell you right now, judging by Hiko-sama's skill at the Aoiya, he's strong, long, and fast. And a Master," Okon finished proudly, "That about sums him up."
The other ladies looked at each other. "Yeah, can't argue there."
"Quiet, Kenshin!" Sano smacked Kenshin on the head. Aoshi rolled his eyes, standing to leave.
"Okay, okay," Omasu grinned deviously, "What do you think about Lord Aoshi?"
Sano grinned as Aoshi sat right back down.
Misao choked, nearly snorting sake through her nose. "Omasu!" she spluttered.
"Well," Kaoru started thoughtfully while Misao stared at her in horror, "He does show quite a bit of skill with his kodachi."
Megumi snorted. "Which only proves that it's not the size that matters, but how you use it!" Everyone but Misao laughed.
"Well at least Aoshi-sama's isn't on backwards!" she snarled at Kaoru.
"Yeah, well at least Kenshin's is a normal size!" Kaoru retorted.
"Now ladies," Megumi held up her hand placatingly, "Let's not fight amongst ourselves. They're both masters with their swords," she almost lost it right there, "But although there is a size difference, Misao does come out the more fortunate of you both."
"And why is that?" Kaoru huffed while Misao beamed.
Okon answered her. "Because Aoshi has two!" she guffawed.
Misao sweatdropped while the others literally fell over laughing.
"I'm putting a stop to this," Aoshi muttered, moving towards the shoji. Sano pulled his arm back, quickly removing his hand from Aoshi's shoulder as the former Okashira glared at him.
"Now now, they're only having some harmless fun," he argued. "Besides, they haven't gotten to me yet!" Sano grinned.
Misao spluttered as she tried to change the subject. "So, what about Sano? He doesn't even have a sword!" The others paused, looked at each other, and all five started laughing at once.
"All right, maybe we should stop them," Sano muttered. Kenshin and Aoshi both held him back.
"Turn about is fair play, that it is," Kenshin mumbled.
"Wait a second," Kaoru paused, pushing herself off the floor and wiping her eyes, "Sano did have a zanbato before."
"Ooooo," Misao's eyes widened.
"So, he was once huge, but slow," Omasu pondered.
"Hey, some women like it slow," Megumi purred.
"But it doesn't matter in the slightest, because now he's a eunuch," Okon finished.
Even Megumi laughed.
"Um, I think that's my line, that it is," Kenshin mumbled, staring at the dazed Sanosuke. Aoshi remained silent, a small smirk on his face.
"Why did Sano stop using his zanbato?" Omasu asked.
"Oh, Kenshin cut it in half," Kaoru answered unthinkingly. There was silence, then…
"Oh, so Kenshin swings that way," Omasu mused. "Sorry, Kaoru."
"WHAT!" Kaoru turned red-faced yet again, eyeing the bokkens hanging on the wall hungrily.
""Well," Okon explained, "Kenshin used his sword to cut another man's sword in half. Has he ever used his sword against a woman?"
"Um…" Kaoru thought about it.
"Well, clearly that means he's light in his sandals, if you get my drift," Okon finished.
"He could be bi," Misao added chirpily.
Kaoru fell over. "Now wait a second!" she protested feebly from the floor.
Megumi grinned. "Of course, when have we ever seen Aoshi or Sano use their swords against a woman?" she chortled.
"Now it's your turn to hush again, Kenshin," Sano replied, smacking Kenshin upside the head and knocking him backwards into the dust. Aoshi again remained silent, but even a fool could see the vein pulsing in his forehead.
The women were silent for a long time.
"Then that means… Not Hiko-sama too!" Okon finally burst out, grabbing Megumi by the shoulders and shaking her. "Tell me it isn't so!"
Misao stared at the pair thoughtfully. "Who can tell what went on all those years he was training Kenshin in the woods? Maybe that's where Himura gets it from." She grinned wickedly at the horror on Okon's face.
Omasu giggled. "Maybe that's why he turned to sake… he missed his baka pupil far too much."
Okon let go of Megumi, who slumped back to the tatami in relief. "Perhaps that's why Ken-san's sword is now reversed," Megumi giggled, looking to Kaoru. Kaoru stopped giggling, her eyes glinting as she glared at Megumi.
"He's not on backwards!"
Omasu glanced at the dazed Okon before shaking her head. "And how would you know, Kaoru?" she asked mischievously.
There was dead silence yet again.
"Smack!" went Kenshin's own hand right into Kenshin's own forehead.
"Um… I… um…" Kaoru stuttered while the women – minus a confused Okon – laughed.
"That takes care of those two," Omasu chuckled. "Now, back to Aoshi and Sano," she said, glancing at Misao and Megumi. Misao opened her mouth to protest until…
"Slap!" went the shoji into the wall. Misao choked as the other three coherent women turned towards the darkened doorway.
"L-L-L-Lord A-Aoshi," Misao stuttered as Omasu paled. Okon remained oblivious, mumbling to herself.
"Misao, come." Aoshi crooked his finger at her. Misao gulped, then stood up and allowed her idol to pull her out into the darkness.
Sanosuke appeared next, wolf-whistling as he stared into the shadows where Aoshi and Misao had retreated to. He narrowly dodged the kunai thrown at him. "I never thought old ice-block had that in him," he muttered appreciatively. He looked over at Megumi. "Fox, walk you home?" he offered suavely, and Megumi smiled at him.
"If you like, Rooster-head," she said, rising to her feet, surprisingly graceful for someone with so much sake in her system. She took his hand and disappeared into the night.
Omasu and Kaoru looked at one another. "Um, Kaoru, if Sano is here, and Aoshi is here, then that means…"
Kaoru nodded, her eyes wide as she stood shakily. She stumbled over to the doorway, peeking out into the darkness. All she saw was an empty courtyard, and something moving in the shadows. She smiled hesitantly.
"Well, I guess Misao's going to find out whether Aoshi has two swords or not," she whispered back to Omasu, who was instantly beside her in the doorway.
Omasu grinned before nudging Kaoru. "Good for her. Now go find out whether Kenshin really is a backwards quick-draw," she teased.
Kaoru stumbled out into the night, glaring as Omasu slapped the shoji shut behind her.
"Well, it's just us," Omasu said, looking over at Okon.
"It just can't be so…" Okon muttered to herself, lost to the world. Omasu sighed.
"Oh well, might as well go hit the futon," she sighed, then grinned. "Hm… I wonder about Shiro…" she giggled, blushing as she headed for her bedroll.
"Um, Kenshin," Kaoru whispered. She had finally found him next to the bathhouse, staring deeply into the washtub they used for laundry. He didn't move as she called his name.
"Heh heh," Kaoru laughed nervously. "Um, you didn't hear what we were talking about in there, did you?" she asked hesitantly. Kenshin slowly turned his head to look at her. She gulped.
"So um, you did then?" she asked, slowly backing away from the shadowed look in his eyes. Then she paused, gulped, and muttered to herself something about "Taking one for the team." Kaoru marched forward and grabbed Kenshin by the front of his gi. He merely stared at her.
"So, are you on backwards!" she asked, waiting for an 'oro'. None came.
"Is that what you think?" he asked softly.
He silenced her by placing his lips to hers. When they finally broke for air, she asked softly, "Does this mean that I'm going to find out?"
She giggled as he muttered "Oro" under his breath.
End Notes: I had wanted to add Tokio and some digs on Saito, but I don't know enough about Tokio, and somehow by the time I remembered Saito I couldn't quite get it to fit in… so maybe we'll see a second part to this story, perhaps, at some later date? But first I must update some of my other fics, and get my chaptered Kenshin fic online… sigh. I hate my plot bunnies, they're too over-productive.