Jade: I'm starting high school tomorrow, so I don't know how frequent updates will be... random-idiotv2 doesn't start for another week, so hopefully she'll keep writing.
I wrote all this chapter except the first line, not randomidiot, so I hope it's funny!
-xXx- THE TALE OF DARTH VADER -xXx-
Darth Vader was stalking around at random, feeling pretty kick-butt, when he came upon a huge...three-headed...slimy...Hutt!
But then again, if one were to look at the branch above the middle Hutt's head, one would notice the stunning beauty inherent in the Ameritainian swallow. Or one could watch Darth Vader against the Hutt. Your choice.
Darth Vader stopped and stared in revulsion at the three heads arguing with each other.
"You smell!" the head on the left complained.
"Do not!" answered the head on the right.
"Yeah, well you're not next to him!" the middle head told the left head.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Right demanded.
"You snore!" Middle answered.
Vader's breathing echoed from the trees around him.
"Eh, wot do you want?" Left demanded. The other two heads watched curiously.
"I am Darth Vader."
"He sounds like James Earl Jones. Shall we eat him?" Right requested quite politely.
"No, I say let's be nice to him." Left answered.
"Well, I'm hungry."
"How about, we eat him first," Middle suggested. "Then go find some slimy things to eat."
"That's a good idea. Who gets to kill him?"
"I want to kill him!"
"Well, if you get to kill him, I get first bite."
Lord Vader was beginning to get quite furious with the Hutt debating on how to kill him. "Prepare to feel my wrath," he hissed. He prepared to use the Force to choke all three heads, but- "AH! GAAK-AHH!"
"Hmm. Fascinating." A Force-ghost of a red Twi'lek/Nietzschean female appeared. "The Force seems to be bouncing off the Hutt's fat!"
"And it appears to be choking random-idiot. Amazing. I suppose that I, Jade Rhade must begin to narrate this fanfiction again until the random-idiot recovers. Never fear, she shall recover." The Force-ghost disappeared.
Darth Vader realized that the Force was not working the way it was intended to and stopped. He turned around and began to stalk back the way he had come, black cape swirling behind him.
The Force-ghost of an old man with a white beard appeared. "Hello, Anakin."
"Obi-Wan. I killed you."
"I wrote a song about you just now. Would you like to hear it?"
Obi-Wan ignored him and began to sing. "Brave, brave Darth Vader/ was not at all afraid/ He bravely gave up/ killing the Hutt/ and bravely ran away."
"I did not."
"... bravely ran away/ bravely ran away/ O Great Lord Vader/ bravely ran away/ HEY!
"He was not at all afraid to die in nasty ways/ He was not at all afraid/ O Brave Darth Vader! He couldn't choke the Hutt/ and bravely ran away!
"Quiet, old man."
"... bravely ran away/ bravely ran away/ O Great Lord Vader/ bravely ran away/ HEY!"
-xXx- THE TALE OF BOBA FETT–xXx-
"Take your shrubbery," Boba ordered, plopping down the plant in front of the Jedi.
"The Jedi Knights who say 'Ni!' are pleased," the leader said.
"Do you have a Jedi known as Mace Windu among you?" Boba asked, cradling his blaster. I shall avenge my father.
"We do," the leader answered.
A tall, dark-skinned man with a shaved head and a purple lightsaber stepped forward. "I am Mace Windu."
Boba shot him.
Windu tumbled back, robes smoking, and died.
"Ni!" "Ni!" "Peng!" came a dozen cries. "Nee-WOM!"
The leader looked at Boba. "For that, the Jedi Knights who say 'Ni!' have... a challenge!"
Boba stood with his arms crossed.
The leader waved his hand, and two Jedi pulled forth on a rickety wooden cart, a giant, obsidian statue of a Jedi. "You must cut this statue to pieces using only... A LIGHTSABER!"
"But that's easy."
"Not when the statue is made of lightsaber-resistant... CORTOSIS ORE!"
Boba growled. To comply with the Knights' request, he could be here forever. He didn't know how they were able to build a statue out of the stuff when it was so weak. It was next to impossible to build with it; its only use was against lightsabers. Weak. Boba grinned inside his helmet. "Very well. I agree to your challenge."
The leader handed him a lightsaber, and Boba approached the statue. He ignited the saber and tried to stab deep into it. As predicted, the ore caused the blade to short out, flicker, and die without leaving so much as a gouge.
The bounty hunter dropped the lightsaber to the ground, causing the Jedi to gasp. He wiggled his fingers, drew his gloved hand back and formed it into a fist.
WHAM! He delivered one strong, solid punch to the torso of the statue, and it crumbled to the ground.
"Peng!" "Ni!" "Nee-wom!"
"You cheated!" the leader protested.
"I don't know what kind of self-respecting Jedi would do such stupid test," Boba said. "I mean, the Sith would do-"
The Jedi gasped. "Don't say the word!"
Boba groaned. "Holy Sith, I'm surrounded by idiots!"
Boba smirked with understanding. "Sith."
"No! Never! Ni!"
Darth Vader, still being followed by the Force-ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi, entered the clearing. "Bounty hunter. We thought you were dead."
"Be quiet! I am Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith!" Vader shouted at the Jedi.
"They don't like the word 'Sith', sir," Boba told him respectfully.
"Let's get out of here, Fett," Vader told the bounty hunter.
"No, Father! There's still good in you!"
"Luke?" Vader looked more closely at the leader, pulling off the hood.
Yes, it was Luke Skywalker, with sandy blonde hair and blue eyes.
"Lucas Indiana Skywalker, what are you doing among such filth?"
"My middle name is Indiana?" Luke looked awed.
"Yes, your middle name is Indiana!"
"My middle name is Benjamin," Obi-Wan offered, oblivious to the fact no one was listening.
"This is your mother's fault, sending you to be in some Jedi-cult!" Lord Vader was furious. He grabbed Luke by the ear and started dragging him along.
"Ow! Ni! Let go!"
"You are not to say any of those Jedi words in my presence, son," Vader said sharply. "Or I'll have Fett here stun you."
Boba, respectfully walking a stride behind the Dark Lord, looked at young Skywalker dispassionately.
And so Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker joined the quest for the Holy Grail.
-xXx- THE TALE OF THE FBI –xXx-
"I'm telling you, it was a man in armor! He killed her in a burst of light!" A woman gestured wildly as a policeman pulled her towards the car.
"The victim appears to be female, middle-aged, hairless," a red-haired woman crouched on the ground next to the body of former narrator Jade Rhade. "There are three sharp, bony protrusions on both forearms, and two fleshly tails extending from the back of the head. The only witness seems to be a young woman who gave her name only as 'KC'."
"Hey, Scully, what do you think about the skin color?" a dark-haired man asked.
"I don't know, Mulder." Special Agent Dana Scully scraped her thumbnail down one red arm. "It's not paint. Perhaps she ingested something to cause her skin to be this color?"
"Hey, dude," Agent Fox Mulder stopped one of the policemen walking by. "Do you have a camera phone?"
"Let me borrow it."
The cop shrugged. "Sure, whatever."
"Mulder, what are you doing?" Scully stood up, stripping off the rubber gloves she wore.
"Just work with me here." Mulder used the cell phone to take a picture of Jade Rhade's body, then dialed a number. "Hey, Frohike? Is Langly there? Yeah, I'm sending you guys a picture, can you identify it? Thanks, bye."
"Mulder, what was that all about?"
"Star Wars, Scully. I have a feeling that a high-powered blaster killed our victim."
"Oh please," Scully rolled her eyes.
Mulder's cell phone rang. "Mulder."
"Mulder, it's Langly. Is this some kind of hoax?"
"The picture you sent me, it's of a Twi'lek."
"A Twi'lek. It's a Star Wars alien."
Mulder gave Scully an 'I-told-you-so' look.
Scully took the phone. "Langly, that's not possible. Star Wars is a made-up universe."
"Oh, I agree, but I bet if you run tests on that woman, you're going to find out that she's not human. And the bone blades?"
"The what?" Scully frowned.
"The bones sticking out from the arms. They're bone blades, definitely Nietzschean."
Scully hung up. "You've got to be kidding me."
And so the FBI issued a warrant for an armored man's arrest, sending Mulder and Scully investigating the murder of Jade Rhade, the half-Nietzschean, half-Twi'lek woman.