A Chance Not Taken
CATEGORY: SJ Romance; Angst - Character Death
SPOILERS/SEASON INFO: None
ARCHIVE: SJ Relationship Archive and Heliopolis; all others yes but please
contact me first
SUMMARY: Sam grieves after SG-1 loses an important team member during a dangerous mission.
DISCLAIMER: All characters on Stargate SG-1 that appear in this story are
owned soley and exclusively by MGM, Double Secret Productions and World
Gekko Corp. The author is in no way appropriating these characters for
monetary gains, and any infringement on the rights of the aforementioned
companies is wholly unintended. References to place names and plot lines
that appeared on Stargate SG-1 are likewise the property of the above
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Warning: Character Death. Just a little angsty piece that popped up in my head during a particularly ardous Intellectual Property class.
A chance not taken ... and a love never realised.
How I wished now I could have done things differently.
* * * * * *
"Get up soldier! You get up you hear me?" I scream at the prostrate form in front of me, blood and sweat mingling with my tears as it streams openly down my face. The form is silent, still, unresponsive. There's no movement that indicates life. Just stillness, and more silence, punctuated by my irrational and almost incoherent screams at the prone form that lay so still and so pale down amidst the muddy ground.
"Dammit Jack, get up!"
"You can't leave me here like this!"
I drop everything and sink down to my knees, my legs inching deep into the mud. That's all I can see and feel. Mud and blood everywhere. This wasn't how it should be. God ... we were supposed to wait for each other, wait for each other to do what we had to do, to save the planet, to fight the Gao'uld, and then ...
"... God, Jack ... please ... please ..." I latch both my hands onto his BDUs, pulling him forcibly up. Why isn't he moving? Why aren't you getting off your ass and helping me with this you idiot?
"... Please Jack, please don't leave me now ..." I lose all sense of self and sob uncontrollably, my tears creating a waterfall of grief down on his battered body.
"Sam." I can hear Daniel's voice in the distance, but I don't fight within myself to get up. I don't want to get up ... ever. There's no world for me without him.
"Sam ... " He sees the broken body of his friend, and he too sinks down to his knees. "Oh God ... Jack ..."
He jerks his head up as if realising I was there. "Oh Sam ..." he says, and I know he's thinking about me this time, thinking and feeling what I must be feeling. Is this how Daniel felt when he lay beside Sha're for one last time, gently tracing the contours of her face as he said his last good bye? I had ached for him then, but I don't ache now. My insides scream with an intangible, ungraspable pain and it sears my every senses. No ... not Jack ... not my Jack ...
"Major Carter." Teal'c comes up to us, the perfect soldier. He takes it all in with a single glance and realises he must take charge. "We have to go. We are under heavy fire and are outnumbered. It will be prudent to retreat at this time."
"C'mon Sam, we have to leave." Daniel chimes in. God, Daniel ... don't you know I can't leave him here? I can't leave Jack ... like this ... I can't leave Jack *ever*.
I can't leave Jack here to die by himself.
"I'm not going." I say stubbornly, aware of my irrationality but not caring. I'm past caring. I brush aside the staunch military discipline that had held my innate irrationality in line all these years and realise that the feeling is liberating. Why hadn't I done this before? Long ago, when Jack and I had realised we had feelings for each other. Why had we brushed it aside so easily, all in the name of our military ranks and our careers? What had we gained, here and now, by that?
This was the ending we had never thought of, never wanted to think of. What were court martials and reprimands when we had given up all that time, time to be together? All those years ... We could've been together, happy. And now? ...
Oh God ... we didn't know what we were giving up. We didn't know.
"Come on Sam." Daniel's cry again penetrates my haze of insane grief. "We have to get out of here." I note with a kind of detached surprise that there are tears trickling down his face. Is he really crying for Jack? For me? For SG-1?
"No." I'm quite serious this time, shedding my insanity and irrationality like a discarded garment. "Go back to the DHD Daniel, I'm not leaving him."
He stares at me, incredulity spreading over his features before an expression of granite-like decisiveness settles in his expression. "I won't let you do that Sam, I can't let you waste your life like that."
"Daniel, just go!"
"Sam!" He roars at me, briefly stunning me with his passion before quieting down. "You can't waste your life like this. Not now. *He* wouldn't want you to do this."
His blunt reference to Jack sears my senses and my torrent of grief begins anew, this time with more passion. Suddenly a kind of intense, hate-filled anger at life pervades my being, and before I realise it I've knocked Daniel down, flat. My fists are tightly clenched as I look down on Daniel, blood pouring freely from his nose. He's angry, but not offended. I don't know why that makes me feel slightly better.
He puts his hands to his nose, feeling for damage. My anger is starting to subside; almost as if that one act of violent emotion has momentarily calmed the seething rage of torment within me. He looks at me for a second; then without warning he launches himself at me, bodily knocking us both over onto the wet, muddy ground.
The impact knocks the breath out of me, and before I have time to recover Daniel drags me up, his grip surprisingly firm and unshakeable as I realise that he's dragging me back to the Stargate, to Earth. Dragging me away from Jack.
I lose whatever ounce of control I have left and struggle like a madwoman in his grasp. "Let me go Daniel! That's an order dammit! Let me go!" I scream, over and over.
He's resolutely silent as he strains to over power me, saying between clenched teeth, "I will not let two friends die in one day."
As if to accentuate his sentiment, staff weapon blasts seem to burst forth anew, narrowly missing us as we half-run, half-struggle across the open plain.
And suddenly Teal'c is there, his breathing heavy and his mobility slowed by the heavy burden he's endeavouring to carry back to Earth. It's Jack, slung over the Teal'c's shoulder in a rough fireman's hold. Whatever anger I have within me dissipates, as I realise that Jack and I won't be parted after all.
* * * * * *
I'm lying on his bed tonight, insanely drinking in his scent, his smell, drawing out the essence of him from his surroundings. It strikes me as a slightly irrational thing to do, but I don't really care. All I care about is this ring I discovered, found nestled amongst his belongings on base. A diamond ring, inscribed with unmistakable frankness, 'I Love You.'
Oh Jack ...
You shouldn't have ...
The bed side clock ticks inexorably, marking the passage of time that I would have to spend without Jack. It's melodramatic and overly emotional, but I feel that the ticking somehow marks every moment, every second that I'll have to be alone for the rest of my life. Every moment, every second, taking me further and further away from the reality that was me and Jack.
I wrap my hand tightly around the ring, and blink stubborn tears away.
We shouldn't have waited so long.
(c) Vivian Ngan April 2001