Confessions of an Avenger

This Journal is Property Of:

Uchiha Sasuke (i.e.: the One Destined to KILL/MUTILATE/TORTURE/DISEMBOWEL his Bastard Brother)

Dear (Why is there a dear here? Is the company that made this useless piece of trash trying to churn out an army of wackjobs with Multiple Personality Disorder? Or are they under the impression that we all believe the journal has a soul, and can therefore read and respond to everything we write? I will not name my journal. I REFUSE)

Sakura decided she'd try (for the umpteenth time) to win my good graces by giving me a birthday gift, so she bought me this. A diary. What the hell am I going to do with a diary?

"Oh, you can put down all of your thoughts so they don't clutter up your head, Sasuke-kun! It's really helpful! I write in mine every day!" –Followed by other random chatter that isn't even worth noting here. She talks too much. I should just weld a piece of steel over her mouth so I never have to listen to her again.

Her and that damn moron.

Maybe I'll kill them too, AFTER I cut off my brother's balls and stuff 'em in his mouth. Neither of them understands me (even though they think they do); they only get in my way.

"Sasuke-kun! I love you! I want to be with you! Blah, blah, blah! I totally don't care if you want your brother to die! I understand!"

So you give me a DIARY, SAKURA?

Yes, you know, because I'm a little pansy boy and I need to 'express myself' by pouring out my heart to a bunch of blank pages with little blue flowers all over them. FLOWERS! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Lord…the shame…I could never face Itachi if he knew I had flower diary. AVENGERS DON'T WRITE IN FLOWER DIARIES!

Damn you, Itachi. I hope you choke on your little bells and die. Or that stupid smelly shark man eats you. But leave the eyeballs. I want those.

And damn you too, Sakura. Go flounce your flat chest somewhere else. AND TAKE YOUR DAMN DIARY WITH YOU!

Naruto…well…I'm gonna kill you, anyway, because I have to in order to get the Mangekyou, so I'll have to think of something creative…like…asphyxiation by ramen.

I'll work on it later.


"I believe when he said, 'stupid, smelly shark man,' he was referring to you."

A sniff. "Yeah, I gathered that much." Another wounded sniff. "I mean, I understand why he hates you, but I didn't do anything to him."

"You associate with me. Apparently, that's enough."

"Still! I'm not…smelly, am I?"

A pause. "Well…you do have a rather…distinctive odor about you, Kisame. You are part fish. Why don't you wear that cologne? What was it? Ode de…something…It had sort of a musky scent."

"Shark…" Kisame muttered. "A shark is not a fish."

"Don't start that again."

"What? It's not!"

An exasperated sigh. "Why must you be so defensive? It's irritating."

"Oh, yeah? You're irritating! I should put in a request for a new partner…"

"Go ahead. I won't miss you."

Kisame made a series of strangled sounds.

"You…you…"

"Yes?"

"Bastard."

"Ah. It seems you and my fathead of a brother share that opinion. It is entirely unfounded, however. I am quite legitimate, I assure you."

"Sod off."

"Do you have a flower diary, too, Kisame?"

"…"

Snickers. "Perhaps you and Sasuke should be friends. You can show him how to disembowel someone properly. I'm almost positive he doesn't know how, unless he taught himself in a fit of passionate rage."

"Shut up, Itachi. Just shut up."


Dear (I still won't give this thing a name).

My List of People to Kill:

1. Itachi, obviously. That dickwad's got it coming to him in spades…just wait…

2. Kakashi, because he tried telling me that I can only use the Chidori three times in one go. THREE TIMES! What's with that? I'm stronger than his sorry perverted ass…GRRR…

3. Sakura. SHE. WON'T. LEAVE. ME. ALONE. She's like a freaking gnat. It drives me CRAZY. If I hear "Sasuke-kun!" ONE MORE TIME, she's going in the bottom of a lake.

4. Naruto. Again, Mangekyou. I kind of need that, or else I won't be able to beat my brother to a bloody pulp. Moron…how he became my best friend, I'll never guess.

5. Gaara. He made me look like a moron after the Chuunin exam, the eyebrowless freak. It's not fair. Why does he get to have a demon with mad crazy bone crushing skill and not me? I'M AN UCHIHA! DOES GAARA HAVE AN UBER BLOODLINE? HELL NO!

6. Kisame…just because. He fraternizes with my brother, so he deserves it. Plus…he's a shark. That's wrong. There shouldn't be half-human, half-sharks running around carrying huge-ass swords and fraternizing with Uchiha Itachis (asshole/bastard/cocksucker).

7. All of the Hyuuga clan. They're crotchety old farts, anyway (well, most of them), and they've been around way too long, if you ask me. Besides, when I revive my clan, Uchiha is going to trump all the other Houses. May as well get rid of the competition. I suppose that means I should eliminate the Inuzuka as well (if they're all as annoying as Kiba, then good riddance).

That felt good. Maybe this journal wasn't such a bad idea, after all (but you're still going to die, Sakura).


"My, he's become quite ambitious, hasn't he?" Itachi mused dryly. "Although, that might be troublesome…I told him to hate me exclusively, idiot boy." The elder Uchiha shook his head and sighed. "He never did listen."

"Look at that," Kisame jabbed his finger at a line. "Look! That's…blatant discrimination!"

"What is?"

"The part about killing me because I'm a shark!"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Haven't we had this conversation before? You chose to be a missing-nin and join Akatsuki while you knew perfectly well that you are a non-human half-breed. That is ample ground for 'discrimination' as is." He waved a hand. "If you're going to whine, do it somewhere else."

"Just keep talking, Itachi," Kisame growled. "I'll shove Samehada so far up your—"

"Do you really want to finish that thought, Kisame?"

Silence.

"Ah…no."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

The aura of impending doom that hovered over them vanished.

"You always were an intelligent one. That must be why I…how did Sasuke put it? 'Fraternize' with you. Sasori and Deidera are a bit too…eccentric for my taste."

"No kidding. 'Oh, this is my art!' 'Don't mess with my art!' Whatever. And…it might be me, but…Sasori is one creepy guy. All those puppets…"

"The Suna nins seem to have an affinity for those, I've noticed."

"Bah," Kisame scoffed. "Give me a good sword any day. I killed off an entire clan with this baby," he patted Samehada fondly.

Itachi smiled. "How prosaic."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I killed off an entire clan using a kunai."

A pause.

"I hate you."

"So does Sasuke. Curious."

"ARGH!"

Kisame stormed off, swearing.

"Temper, temper," Itachi called after him, lips curled in a smirk.


Dear

THAT'S IT. NARUTO DIES NOW. RIGHT NOW. SON OF A BITCH!

He. Stole. My. Last. Ho-Ho. HE STOLE IT! THE LAST ONE! DAMN…STUPID…MORON!

I've been saving that Ho-Ho for ages, because none of the other times I went to eat it felt right, so I figured I'd wait, you know, for THAT feeling…that special, OH LORD, I NEED A HO-HO feeling…with the creamy vanilla filling…and the chocolaty…chocolate…

Mmmm…Ho-Ho…

AND I HAD THE FEELING, BUT NOW IT'S GONE, BECAUSE NARUTO TOOK IT AWAY!

I saw him. He had chocolate crumbs all over his mouth, and a streak of filling on his cheek.

Funny…now that I think about it…so did Sakura…

I WILL AVENGE MY HO-HO!

This is an unforgivable sin. Almost as bad as my bastard brother killing off our clan. Almost. But not quite.

I need my stuffed ducky…

………

I can't believe I wrote that. Avengers don't have stuffed duckies! (But…I love my stuffed ducky…he's so cuddly…)

GAH!

Must stop…must put on dark, brooding face…

I just checked my appearance in the mirror. The brooding face is so suave, but my hair is atrocious. I have to get different hair gel. The kind I have now sucks, and it makes my hair sticky. That's not good. Itachi doesn't have sticky hair. His is all long and shiny…

I should cut it off and strangle him with it…hee-hee.

Damn…I WANT A HO-HO!

Time for some serious avenging.


"I don't think I've ever had a Ho-Ho in my life."

"You have expended your anger, I see."

"I'll expend something, so help me…"

"Perhaps I should find you a stuffed ducky like my brother's, Kisame."

"……"

"Oh, but sharks cannot cuddle, can they, what with all those sharp edges. Forgive my impertinence. I'll buy you a nice pet rock instead."

"Itachi…"

He returned to the earlier subject. "I should like to try one of those Ho-Hos. They sound interesting."

"Good for you," Kisame grated. "And then, while you're happily chewing away, my hand'll slip accidentally and you'll have vanilla filling up your nose."

"My brother wants to strangle me with my hair, and you want to stick vanilla filling up my nose. Am I that good at being evil?"

"You're a pissant, that's what you are."

"Oh, dear. And Sasuke is convinced he is misunderstood…"

A snort. "Do I hear the world's smallest violin?"

"I do have my reasons for slaughtering our clan, you know. At least…I did. It was so long ago, I seem to have forgotten what they were…"

Kisame grinned. "That's why we're the badass villains, man. We don't need a reason, unlike all those pussies who're stuck in their oh-so-tormented pasts."


Dear Itachi,

You are a sick, twisted bastard, and I hope you die. How DARE YOU show up at my village and not come after me first? Why the hell did you bother with KAKASHI? HE'S NOT THE AVENGER, HERE, I AM, BECAUSE YOU MADE ME ONE!

And then, when I DID see you, all I got was a load of bullshit about me never defeating you! WHY THE HELL DID YOU LET ME LIVE, THEN, HUH?

I WILL kill you, Itachi. You've made my life a living hell, and my only goal is to repay you for the favor.

BASTARD! COCKWAD! JACKASS!

I'll whip your ass with the Mangekyou. You think I can't do it? I'm going to kill Naruto soon. He's REALLY been grating on my nerves…AND WHEN I DO, I'LL COME AND KILL YOU!

Oh, and the shark man, too. And afterward, I'll fry him up and EAT him. I've heard shark is tasty. Not as tasty as a Ho-Ho, of course, though I'll make do.

In the event that I can't procure the Mangekyou (which is not likely), Orochimaru made me a very promising offer. Yeah, the guy's a bit of a nutter (and I'm not sure I like the way he stares at me…), but I'm willing to deal with it if it means your head on a spike (I've decided I'm going to have it dipped in lacquer so it doesn't rot and put it on display outside the new clan house).

What do you think of THAT, huh? HUH?


"Have you heard anything from the boss yet?"

"I talked to him a day or so ago, however he was in one of his squirrelly moods again, so I did not get much out of him." Itachi replied, absently flipping a page.

"I hate when he's like that."

"So do I, actually. He tried using the eye on me."

Kisame shuddered. "Nobody should be allowed to have eyes like that. Sharingan and Byagukan are bad enough. I mean, you just get so dizzy when he does that."

"It wasn't pleasant, to say the least. In any case, Sasuke needs to find a new best friend to kill. The Uzumaki boy is out of the question…though I know he will not go through with it."

"Which means we'll have another of Orochimaru's pets on our tail. Why didn't you kill Sasuke when you had the chance?"

"He makes life more amusing."

"That's it?"

"Possibly."

"You're unbelievable."

"One does one's best." Itachi said, and then he frowned. "It seems like my brother has an obsession with the male anatomy, does it not? I wonder if he was born a eunuch, and I never knew…"

Kisame stared at him, and burst out laughing. "That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?"

"It would indeed." He tapped his chin. "Hmm…I'll ask him when he confronts me next."

"Wouldn't that piss him off?"

"Of course. But he is supposed to despise me, remember."


Dear

Being dead sucks. I think that was one of the worst experiences of my…er…life…yeah…(that doesn't make any sense…)

I mean, I got stuffed in a freaking BARREL (that was way too small) while my body convulsed and I was in so much pain I could barely move, and the SMELL was horrible…(dead flesh is gross).

What makes it worse was that, when I was finally let out of the barrel and had the chance to try out my new abilities, I wound up with gray hair that should have belonged to a member of one of those hair bands, black eyes, wings, LIPSTICK, and NAIL POLISH.

In other words, I looked like I should have been a spectacle of a traveling freak show.

That was NOT what Orochimaru promised me at my pre level-up consultation. I had some concerns, you know, since he has a penchant for purple eye shadow and all of his other minions wear makeup, but he assured me I'd be the best looking of them all.

LIES! ALL LIES!

And THIS is how I'm going to appear when I kill Itachi?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Lord…I even told Naruto I was special… 'I'm more special than you!' I said. I'm sure he was thinking, 'Yeah, right, in what world, man? You're wearing LIPSTICK!'

And what's with the wings? They're so ugly and bulky! I can't be an avenger like this!

AND MY HAIR!

OH, THE HORROR!

Orochimaru has now been added to my list of people to kill, once he gives me enough power.

There's gotta be a way to use lipstick to snuff someone…


"I can understand the objection to lipstick, but the nail polish isn't so bad."

Itachi examined his fingers critically. "Mine is chipped."

"Put on another coat."

"I want a darker violet. This is too light."

"Borrow Deidera's."

"I would have to be nice to him, then. That's too vexing."

"What about Venus flytrap dude? What was his name again?"

"I have no idea."

"Who decided to make purple nail polish part of the uniform, anyway?"

"The boss, I'd imagine."

"Must've been influenced by Orochimaru…"

"I wonder how he's treating Sasuke? I sincerely hope my brother isn't foaming at the mouth at our final meeting, or I will be disappointed."

Kisame snorted. "Yeah, Orochimaru has that effect on people. Oh, look, your brother wrote more. I guess we'll see, eh?"

Itachi grinned. "We will, at that."


BWAH-HA-HA!

Yeah…don't ask me how Itachi and Kisame got Sasuke's diary, because…it's top-secret information. XD I'm thinking this particular 'Confessions of' will only be two chapters long, but that may change. We'll see. Hee-hee!