Short, sweet, & simple: Bertha took back her life. Annette is upset. And still crazy. And so, here comes another chapter!

Summary: A flash of light and oodles of everyone saying things about sex that they don't mean! What's going on? Why is everyone talking as if they were in an XXX movie? Oh, the complicated implications!

Warning: SEX. Lots and lots of SEX. Not sex, but SEX. There will be teacher related incidents! Incidents which make everyone horribly uncomfortable in more ways than one! Watch out for OOC-ism, Snape, and homosexuality. Un-beta-ed. But will be beta-ed in the near future. Promise!

Rated: Machiavellism! Er, we mean M.

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Mouthing Off

Chapter Three

Hallway Encounters

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"That was the strangely alluring, siren-like bell!" shouted Hermione, jumping to her feet and arranging her robes properly.

"Yeah, we noticed, Granger," intoned Draco. "You fiendishly lovely fox." He turned and pantomimed throwing up.

"Oh grow up, Malfoy, you well-endowed uke," spat back Harry. "Uke? What the fuck is an uke?"

Hermione blinked. "I don't know, sounds like a ukulele."

"Hermione, you dangerously over-dressed female, take off your clothes! How can you not know what something is?" asked Ron, seemingly astonished.

"Ronald, you head-turning hunk, I'm smart, not all-knowing, you prat," answered Hermione, as she ran for the door. With her hand on the knob, she continued to admonish him. "Now do shut up! We only have a few minutes to get to our classes! No more talking!"

Swinging open the door, she ran down the hallway with Harry close on her heels. Draco and Ron ran down the other hallway.

"Bloody hell, Malfoy, you fuck-able ferret, couldn't you have run in the other direction?"

"Oh fuck me, Weasel-face. It would have looked pretty bad if I came down a hallway running after the most delectable Potter and the more enticing Granger." He slowed down to a quick walking pace.

"No, you fuck me, you well-dressed stud. Harry was wrong, you're totally behind all of this somehow, and you're a seme, not an uke."

"Yes Weasel, me spouting sexual gibberish is all part of my master plan to get Potter to fuck the Dark Lord. And what the bloody hell is a seme?"

"Uh, no clue, actually."

"Figures, not only is your hot ass continually wrongfully accusing me of misdemeanours, but you're using words that don't exist. You're more shag-able than you are stupid; ever thought of prostitution?"

Ron stopped walking. "Oh, you're so full of it, aren't you? I bet you wanted this to happen somehow," he said, stalking closer to Malfoy, an unreadable expression on his face. "You were going to seduce us all and somehow get Harry to chase after us or, or something like that!"

Malfoy stood his ground. "I, the great and wondrous beauty known as Draco, take back what I said about you; you're much more stupid than you are shag-able. How the bloody hell would any of this work out for me in the end?"

Ron coloured. Well, his face coloured. Er, but his face doesn't have hands, we meant that he, uh, his face changed colours. From peach to red. Well, kind of a light pink, actually.

Uh, well, Ron blushed. "I don't know."

"Right, you don't know. Pity."

Malfoy ducked Ron's punch just in time. He was about to throw one at Ron when he heard an outraged gasp. How he knew it was an outraged gasp, well, he just knew. He was special like that, ya know.

Prof. McGonagall was walking towards them, her face set in it's usual stone. "Boys!"

Draco looked at Ron and for a second, their faces were mirror images of horror. There was no way they could remain silent here… was there? Their expressions lasted only for a second before they turned to look at the professor, identical angelic faces peering up at her.

"What is going on here?"

Maybe they could just shrug and nod their way out of this.

Draco shrugged and Ron decided to keep quiet.

At least, Ron tried to keep quiet… until he felt an odd quivering feeling developing in his stomach. An odd quivering feeling which didn't go away. An odd quivering feeling which was desperately working its way up his throat.

"We were doing—" the both spat out at the same time.

"Nothing!" yelled Ron, pulling his arm up his sleeve as he felt his index finger disappear. Odd, he didn't know that anything other than his genitalia would disappear.

"Nothing at all," added Draco, more subdued. Ron wondered if he was feeling the same as he was.

"It looked like something," said the professor, crossing her arms. God almighty, she had taken up the ever-powerful female death stance. She wasn't moving until she got an answer she was satisfied with.

"I had something in my eye," sputtered Draco, instantly feeling horrendously stupid.

"You had something in your eye?" asked Prof. McGonagall.

He felt an odd quivering feeling develop in his stomach. "Yes. In my eye. My, beautiful, silver-grey eye."

The professor narrowed her eyes at him. "And you asked Ron to look at it?"

Ah… so it appeared they had to answer direct questions. Lovely.

"Well, there wasn't anyone else around," he said, through clenched teeth as he felt what was left of his left arm disappear. Yippee, missing both a penis and an arm!

"Ah, well, get to class then, you don't want to be late," she said, swishing her robes and walking off in another direction.

Draco and Ron watched her silently for a few seconds, until she disappeared from view.

Draco turned to Ron. "Well, you can go first."

Ron blushed even more than he had been before. "Uh. I… er… I want to fuck you?" He looked at his left hand. A finger popped back into view.

"Oh, very good Ronald, one whole finger," sneered Draco.

"Yeah, well, just need a few more and I'll have enough to get you ready for a night of hot raunchy sex. We can have whips and chains and if you're a good boy, I'll let you suck my cock."

Ron turned his head as his hand popped back into view. "First time my beautiful hand ever disappeared," he said, moving the fingers around.

"Yeah, well, I'm missing an entire bloody arm and my fucking penis," spat out Draco. "I wish I could take your cock and shove it into me without lube so I'd feel everything and have it rip me up inside. I want to take your shaft deep into me, really hard. And I want you to touch me everywhere, right now."

They both waited for a few seconds, expectantly looking at Draco's arm.

Nothing happened.

"Hmm," said Ron. "Well, that's never happened, now has it?"

"Shut up, Weasel," growled Draco, rubbing his right hand over his stump of an arm. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Maybe you didn't say it good enough with your sexy, enticing voice."

"Bollocks. I said it perfect. Any high-class whore would be jealous."

"Yeah, well, I've got to get to class. Lavender's in there and she's got an ass like you wouldn't believe."

"What? You're just going to leave me here?"

"Uh… Why yes, yes I am," Ron smiled at him and started to walk off.

Draco had him pinned to the wall in a second. "Now you listen to me, Ronald Weasley, you sadistically arousing fuck-head, I… hey…" he broke off as he noticed a twinge in his arm. It had grown back a bit.

He rubbed his hand against Ron's face.

"What the hell are you playing at?" asked Ron, pulling away.

"Stop moving, Weasel!" spat Draco. "Look, when I touch you, my arm comes back."

"So? Go find Crabbe and Goyle and fondle them! I'm sure they'd love it!"

"Yeah, but I wouldn't," said Draco before leaning forwards and capturing Ron's lips in a kiss.

He pulled away and instantly felt a twinge in both his penis and his arm.

"Ah, well, that's better," said Draco, flexing his arm out a few times. He looked up at Ron who seemed to be ready to vomit. "Oh come now, it wasn't that bad," he muttered before turning around. "See you after class, Weasel, you devious kisser, you."

Ron fell to his knees, and grasped at his shoulders. "Why didn't the incredibly handsome Harry Potter just Avada me? Why?"

He spat out into the hallway before staggering to his feet and running to class. He continued to spit during the entire journey and at one point managed to spit on a very ugly painting of three mice.

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Harry and Hermione ran off in a hurry. Mostly because they were in a hurry. And in their hurry, they ran blindly around a corner.

And straight into Professor Snape.

"Uh, Professor, you—" Harry stopped himself mid-sentence before he could state how good-looking the professor was this fine and lovelyafternoon.

"Mr. Potter," spat out Snape. He glanced at Hermione and said, " Ms. Granger," as though she were an afterthought and not nearly worth his time or effort. "Running in the halls is strictly forbidden."

"Oh, do forgive us sir, you," Hermione paused and discreetly pulled at her robes, so that the teacher wouldn't notice her sudden lack of boobs. "We were rushing to get to the um–"

"I wonder if you have your Potions essays done," said Snape in his careful and snotty drawl, bulldozing over anything Hermione might have just said.

He turned to Harry. "Potter? Is your essay done?"

Harry stared at Snape and opened his mouth. He quickly shut it and turned hopelessly to look at Hermione, his mind going a mile a minute.


No, Snape!


No, ick!

Sexy icon of teacher smex!

NO! SHUT UP! I will NOT BE TURNED ON! I will not! I can't! I don't have a penis right now!

I love you, Professor Snape! Have my babies!

Harry's mind suffered a heart attack.


"Potter? What the devil are you staring at?" asked Snape. "Ms. Granger, what is wrong with Mr. Potter?"

"Uh, you see," Hermione glanced at Harry who was staring at Snape's chest. The stupid guy had probably been shocked by what his mind was thinking. At the moment, she was pretty dumbfounded at her own mind, but she hadn't gone become comatose, now, had she?

Stupid boys.

So, she did the first thing that came to mind (well, more likely the fourth thing that came to mind, after snogging Snape, snogging Harry, and possibly snogging Harry and Snape at the same time). She grabbed Harry and hugged him, hard.

"We're in love," said Hermione. "He goes into withdrawal if we're separated for too long." She whispered over Harry's head, "He's a bit emotional, you know?"

Snape's right eye twitched and he snarled in disgust. Lucky for Hermione that when Snape snarled, he shut his eyes for a split second, because at that split second when Snape's eyes were shut, Harry grabbed her ass and squeezed, hard, making her own face screw up.

"AH!" said Harry, stretching his arms out and flinging them around Hermione. "I feel so much better now!" He smiled at Snape and Hermione pinched his ass and surprisingly felt her own breasts pop back out.

"Carry on," said a horribly disgusted Snape who had, in fact, seen both ass-grabbing's. "I expect you in class in five minutes." And with that, he turned and rushed down the hall.

Harry and Hermione shot identical looks of hatred at each other.

"Emotional?" spat out Harry.

"You bloody groped my ass!" screamed Hermione.

"I suppose we're even then," said Harry. "We'd better get to class!" he shouted over his shoulder as he ran down the hall after Snape.

"Wait up, you blasted ninny!" screamed Hermione as she ran after them.

Neither of them noticed the fact that they hadn't felt compelled to scream vague obscenities at each other. Nor did anyone notice that crazy, rabid-looking squirrel sitting on a windowsill, watching them quietly with its beady little eyes. Well, nobody but Mrs. Norris who promptly came up and beat the shit out of the squirrel before eating it.

Mm, thought Mrs. Norris. Squirrel. Meow.

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Review Responses.

Warning, reviews may be c/rude in nature. And offensive. And more than slightly perverted.

If you are offended, the white light apologizes and feels deep sorrow for you…because you're a pussy, a baby, and really immature. And some of you might even be really ugly, too. But the white light wouldn't know.

caz-jket: Annette's muse was bored. And drunk. And horny. And so, it threw a fit until Annette wrote out the first chapter.

Fantastical Queen Ebony Black a.k.a. Ebony: Annette misspelled (messed up) your name in the last review response and she blames the white light. It was flashing on and off in a most unattractive way. (But don't tell it that she said that.) Interesting side effects are the best kind of side effects. Everyone loves crack. Except for the pussies.

BookWork1990: Our style is more than great, it's… super great. And yes, Annette thought (thinks?) Draco's penis disappearance was the highlight of the chapter.

FollowerOfGreyback: Way ahead of you, darling. Check out the May issue of 2005. Annette's shooting for a Santa thing for the December issue, but who knows how that will come out?

girltraveler: It was awesomely erotic, wasn't it? And thanks for the e-vibrators, even though it was the white light that made you give them to us. We'll give them to the poor kids in the orphanages, the ones who can't afford them.

Vanessa Masterson: Alas, we were too lazy to check if you were on Google anyway. Glad you lurf the story. Your love feeds the white light. That sexy, white light…

Abyme: Not an anagram? We're upset. Well, not really. Out of great disrespect for your parents, why the hell would they call you nothingness? Gees, they must not have had many plans for you. (Be thankful they didn't name you eighteen, as Annette's Dragon Ball Z loving parents did.) And humids? What is this humids you speak of?

aTrueBlueKUNUCK: It hurts to breathe? Alas, perhaps you have asthma, you wimp. Either that or you're laughing too hard. Or it could be both. Probably both. And what's this foul misspelling of Canuck? Quick, which Canucks team are you speaking about? Surely not them crazy Canadians!

girlinterrupted89: Your review was so thrilling and heart-warming. The amount of fluid grace and prose you managed to place into that one line was breath-taking. Here's a review from us to you: give a longer review next time… or we'll sic the white light on you.

SpiffyMoogle: Tehe, your name is horribly amusing. Moogle. Ha! Moogle. Spiffy. That's just so darn spiffy, soldier. Tehe, soldier. Er, uh, back to the topic at hand. Yes, this is truly brilliant, and if anyone else decides to disagree… well, then it can be fake-ly brilliant as well. We don't mind. Brilliant is as … something, something.

crzyangelchic: The lack of an "a" in your name is amusing. And confusing. What did that "a" do to you which caused you to leave it out? Abuse you? Anger you? Aggravate you? Alas, perhaps we will never know why you prefer the "a" in angel. No one will take this down! As long as everyone keeps their mouths shut. Oh, and the whole leaving two reviews, one for each chapter, that was amazing. We commend you for it. Love you for it. Adore you for it. No, wait, we don't adore you. We don't want you to start taking away our a's. We like our a's; especially Annette. And Bertha just wouldn't be Bertha if she didn't have an "a".

Markos IV: Whoa, you mean there was a first and second and third Markos before you? That's amazing. We're betting they were killed because they couldn't use grammar properly. Oops, was that insulting? Sorry, we do it all the time, but we're hypocrites, so we don't count when it comes to grammar. Your (you're, yor, yore, yo'r) review was greatly appreciated however. Greatly. It amused us… much-ly.

Ghoul: Yes, they're going to classes, and no, it won't be good. YAY!

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For the first half of this chapter, Annette blames Dir en grey and the holiness of their half-nekkid bodies gyrating on stage and across her computer screen at the same time. Oh, and also, the groovy tracks of Malice Mizer. And that Pocahontas song about colouring the wind… or something.

The second half is solely the responsibility of both Dir en grey and Miyavi. Really. It's all their fault. Them and their smexy, sexy, hot, lovely bodies. Woo! Bodies!

The white light apologizes to the grammar Nazis for all grammatical/spelling errors. Don't hurt us b/c we're stupid. Hurt us 'cause you're sadistic and we're masochistic. (We match like that, ya know.)