Hypothetical Suicides

and other stories

Summary: Assorted MWPP notepassing…basically a home for parts of stories that will never be.

Notes: Basically what the summary says: I had way too many notepassing documents, I was never going to finish them, I decided to just put them together for your perusal. There's no continuity; they're just random moments in time. You don't need to have read anything by me to understand it, but if you have there are a couple little inside jokes in there.

Usual rules apply: Sirius writes in bold, Remus in bold italics, Peter in italics, and James in plain typeface.

I am a review whore and this is my corner…and you look awfully lonely.

Ah, yes, and I stole a couple of Buffy quotes, which, of course, belong to the mind of Joss Whedon and his associates. Go ahead and spot them, I forgot where I put them and am much too lazy to go find them now.


i. Hypothetical Suicides

I have nothing to live for.

Stop being melodramatic. You're going to get over this.

No. No, I'm not. Evans has torn my heart from my chest and done the Bunny Hop on it. My heart has been Bunny Hopped on. One does not get over that.

A fair point. So, which method of suicide are we contemplating this time?

I'm thinking your standard sleeping-drought-in-the-bathtub. Might add some rose petals and candles, you know, for that aspect of romantic irony.

Sounds good. Anything I can help with?

Don't encourage him, Padfoot.

Don't patronize him, Moony. Prongs is in pain, can't you see that?

The pain is radiating off me in waves; I don't understand how anyone couldn't see it.

Sure, I see it and I'm very sorry you feel this way, Prongs. I just don't see how offering to help him kill himself is the best way to handle it.

There is nothing left for you to help with, Moony. My life is over. I just want the pain to end.

He just wants the pain to end, Moony. Who are you to disrespect his wishes?

I'm reasonable! Wormtail, surely you support me on this?

Actually, I think James should be allowed to do what he wants. It's his life.

You're a good man, Wormtail. I'll be leaving you a sizeable chunk of my estate.

Can I have your watch?

Of course you can, Wormtail.

Am I the only one who sees a problem with letting my best friend die?

Oh, come on, Moony. Don't take everything so seriously; James isn't going to kill himself. Sure, he'll go up to our room and make us bring him cake while he turns all the lights off and cries. At most he'll get a little dehydrated, vomit a bit, bruise his shin when he invariably runs into something, but he won't kill himself.

Are you saying my feelings aren't real?

Oh, I didn't say that. I said you cry, didn't I?

Fine. Fine. Mock me all you want. We'll see who's crying alone in his room when I donate all my Quidditch paraphernalia to a museum in Nova Scotia.


ii. Repeated Line

Hello, my name is James, and this is my lovely girlfriend, Lily.

I swear to God, Prongs, if you say or write that one more time I will feed you to Moony.

Moony wouldn't eat me.

Moony's tempted.


iii. Inappropriate Classroom Conduct

Will you stop feeling your girlfriend up under the desk? This essay is turning out very well and I don't want to spew cereal on it.

No. No, I will not.

You repulse me. Do you do this during Prefect meetings?

Yes, actually.


iv. Medical Aspirations and Hurt Feelings

You've yawned thirty-four times in the past two minutes.

I'm a compulsive yawner; I yawn if I sit still for more than thirty seconds.

You should probably look into that. You might have dry corneas. Or overactive tear ducts.


Well, when you yawn you're replacing moisture in your eyes. That you yawn so much suggests you've got something wrong with your eyes.

Where do you get all this from?

I read.

You read what?

Medical books.

Why? Moreover, when? I've never seen you with so much as a comic strip in your hand.

Thinking about becoming a Healer.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll be head of the hospital staff in no time, what with all your tear duck knowledge.

Tear ducts, you stupid berk.

Ah, but your bedside manner needs work.

You'd better hope you become a very healthy adult, Padfoot, or I might accidentally poison you.

Why would I have to be unhealthy for you to poison me?

What d'you mean?

Well, you could poison me right now if you wanted to. Put it in a drink or something.

And I could do that right now and you would take it?

Well, actually, now that we've had this conversation, no. However, if you were a Healer and I was sick, you could just neglect me until my injuries/illness became so serious that I died from complications or I starved to death.

Would it be morbid to say that I am greatly cheered up by this?

What's morbid is that you and Sirius are planning his death.

You take things much too literally, Moony. This is all purely hypothetical.

Oh, is it?

…I hope you're trying to be funny.

Don't you always say that I'm not very good at being funny? In fact, didn't you just say that yesterday?

Actually, his exact words were 'compared to me, you are a painfully dull little boy with prematurely thinning hair'.

That is no reason to kill me!

Severe emotional distress.

I think I speak for all of us when I say 'huh'?

I think you're speaking for yourself. I know what he's talking about.

It's a defense for murder.

What is?

Severe emotional distress, you tosser. I could argue that your constant teasing has caused the warption of my mind and, as such, I am not responsible for my actions towards you, in this case, killing you.

A capital defense, Peter, except for the fact that 'warption' isn't a word.

What the hell have you been reading? I am seriously worried about you.


Please, I couldn't control your reading material if I tried. You'd unleash some of that preternatural werewolf strength on me if I laid a hand on one of your precious books. Besides, I'm past caring about your corruption.

And for a second there I thought you were showing compassion.

You're just bitter because I'm taking more of an interest in Peter than you at this moment.

No, I'm quite used to it.

What does that mean?

Motion for a change of subject.


I vote 'nay'. What does that mean, Moony?

Nothing. Ignore it.

Um, hello, it's me you're talking to. I don't ignore things. I keep at them until they explode. Come on, Moony. Explode.

I hope you don't mean that literally, because I'm sure it would be very unpleasant. Especially for you, seeing as how you're in such close proximity to me. Not to mention the fact that I'm not quite sure I could spontaneously combust just because you told me to.

Well, you couldn't.

I said I wasn't 'quite sure'. I didn't say it was definite. There's a possibility I could, if I tried.

It's a physical impossibility. You couldn't 'spontaneously combust just because I told you to'. Well, okay, maybe 'physical impossibility' was too strong. Oxymoron, then.

Mind cluing us lowly peons in on your mindless babbling?

Certainly: your phrase, Remus, 'spontaneously combust just because I told you to' is an oxymoron because the fact that I told you to do it negates the spontaneity of your combust…ing. Combusting? No, combustion. Negates the spontaneity of your combustion.

Moony, are you okay? You're kinda red in the face.

Oh, he's just upset because he realized that I was right and he was wrong. It's a traumatizing experience for him. He was so used to holding his bookishness over me that when I turned the tables on him he couldn't handle it.

I am still here, you know.

Oh, I wasn't sure. I thought maybe you were going into shock. Well, now that we're finished arguing about…whatever that was, maybe we could talk about that thing where you think I'm ignoring you or something?

It's nothing, leave it alone.

He means that you and James have always been best friends and you guys tend to leave us out of stuff.

Wormtail, does the phrase, 'I'm telling you this in confidence' mean absolutely nothing to you?

We don't leave you out of stuff.

Yes, you do.

Not on purpose, I'm sure, but you do.

No, we don't! Prongs and I always include you in everything! Don't we, Prongs?

Lily's hair is v. shiny. I wonder what it smells like?

You aren't going to help me with this at all, are you?

I read in one of my mother's magazines that soaking in a bath of equal parts rose petals, honey, and milk makes your skin luminous, sweet smelling, and soft to the touch. Do you think I should do that?

James, I am not helping you get honey and rose petals out of your arse again.

Again? You mean to say this happened before?

Well, not always with honey, milk, and rose petals, but yeah. More times than I would like to admit, actually.

See, you didn't include us in that.

Er, I don't want to be included in that.


v. Lemurs and Linguistics

Hey, does anyone know the difference between 'spells' and 'charms'?

There's a difference?

Well, obviously, yes, because if there wasn't they would all be called 'spells'. Or 'charms'. The fact that they aren't suggests there's a difference.

I think it's probably whatever sounds better with the name of the spell.

Or charm.

Right, or charm. Like, 'Summoning Spell' doesn't sound nearly as good as 'Summoning Charm', does it? Or—or 'Patronus Spell'?

I am sure there's more to it than that.

Do not knock my theory, Moony. You don't know the difference between the two, either, you pretentious swot.

I am not a pretentious swot!

Yes, you are. If someone asked me to describe you in three words or less the first two would be 'pretentious' and 'swotty'.

If someone asked you to describe me in three words or less, I'm sure they'd want three words recognized by the English language.

It's my description. I can call you a non word if I want to; that's my prerogative. I could call you…a lemur if I wanted to.

No, you couldn't. 'Lemur' is a noun. You're talking about describing me so you'd need adjectives, like 'charming' and 'attractive' and 'witty'.

However, you are none of those things so I shall stick with 'pretentious', 'swotty', and 'lemury'.

'Lemury'? What does that mean?

It is defined as 'possessing lemur-like qualities'. Like Moony. He possesses lemur-like qualities; thus, he is lemury.

You just made that up.

No, I didn't.

You did. You're taking liberties with the English language.

And if I am?

And people who take liberties with the English language die slow, fiery deaths at the hands of the writers of the Oxford dictionary. You remember this speech; I gave it to you at least ten times last year.

Ah, yes, the great "Adding the Suffix 'y' to a Word Does Not Make the Resulting Jumble of Letters a Word" debacle. I remember it fondly.

Moony, if it weren't for people taking liberties with the English language we would still be talking like we were in the Middle Ages. Languages wouldn't exist if people didn't take liberties with them. Look at Latin—most languages are Latin based, yeah?

I am not talking about taking liberties with the Latin language.

But you're scolding me for something that could, in all likelihood, make me just as revered as Shakespeare—who, if you recall, took liberties with the English language and is widely regarded as a genius. A genius, Moony.

I don't think the fact that you added a 'y' to the word 'lemur' puts you up there with Shakespeare.

Oh, I beg to differ.


vi. The Jan Syndrome

I can't believe I did that.

Prongs, I swear on my Silver Arrow—you mention your faux pas a gain and I will…I will do something drastic.

I don't know about you, Prongs, but those sound like fighting words to me.

Hey—a vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.

I just…I love her so much, you know?

Yes, Prongs. I do know. Would you like to know how I know? Because you talk about her constantly.

You mean, it's not because you're omniscient?

I know I'm shocked.

"Oh, Lily is sooooooo beautiful. Oh, Lily has such an amazing smile. Oh, Lily says the most insightful things. Oh, Lily has an incredible chest. Oh, Lily is basically the best shag I've ever had in my entire life, never mind the fact that I've only slept with one other person. Oh, Lily has such a cute nose. Oh, Lily makes the greatest jokes. Oh, Lily eats like cranberry scones are about to be banned. Lily, Lily, Lily!"

….Is someone jealous?


Oh, my eyes.

Padfoot, you know better than to use multiple exclamation points in front of the w-e-r-e-w-o-l-f.

Padfoot, I'm sorry I've been talking about Lily so much lately, it's just that, after what happened on Sunday—

LATELY, PRONGS? LATELY! Try three years. Three years you've been going on about her, three years I've been listening patiently, offering you advice, hoping you'll get over her eventually, and now I'm beginning to see that it will never ever end and, I'm sorry, but that is distressing. Oh, and I'm sorry, Moony.



You are a spectacular prat.

Yes, I think that's fair.

And I think that's why we work so well together.

Also fair.


Notes: Enjoyable? Worthless drivel? I'd love any kind of feedback.