Authors Note: This is just a short storyI wrote a while ago, and I thought that, seeing as today is my birthday, it'd be the perfect oppportunity to post it. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: Because a big fat law suit is not whatI want for my birthday,I will say thatI do not own Fairly Odd Parents.
What Wanda Wants
Timmy was lying on his bed one Saturday morning, deciding what he could do that day, when Cosmo and Wanda poofed out of the fishbowl. Cosmo was eating a bowl of pudding, and Wanda was smiling.
What are you so happy about?" asked Timmy, noticing her grin.
"It's a special day today," she said.
"It's not your guys anniversary again, is it?" asked Timmy. Cosmo stopped eating his pudding, a panicked look crossing his face.
"No, silly," said Wanda, still smiling. Cosmo sighed with relief and went back to his dessert. "It's my birthday."
Cosmo spat out his pudding, choking on it slightly.
"Cosmo, are you okay?" asked Wanda, concerned. Cosmo nodded, smiling slightly, his eyes watering.
"So, uhmm, are you doing anything special?" asked Timmy, eyeing Cosmo warily.
"Yep, I've booked a table at the Pointy Crown for lunch time. It'll be like a small party."
"Sounds like fun," said Timmy.
Cosmo had recovered from his choking attack, and grabbed Wanda's arm. "Uhmm, go into the castle for a bit," he said quickly, steering her towards the fishbowl.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because, uhmm, I love you and it's your birthday," he supplied desperately, and poofed her away. Then he turned to Timmy, clutching at his godson's shirt.
"Timmy, you've got to help me! I forgot it was Wanda's birthday, and I don't have a present! Help!" He began to cry loudly.
"Okay, okay I'll help," said Timmy, pushing Cosmo away gently.
"Great!" said Cosmo, immediately ending his tears and raising his wand to poof them away.
"Wait!" said Timmy, stopping him. "Shouldn't we tell Wanda where we've gone?"
"Alright," said Cosmo. "Then can we go?"
"Yes," said Timmy, and Cosmo leaped with joy.
Wanda came out of the fish bowl 15 minutes later, tired of waiting. She looked around Timmy's room, and saw pretty quickly that it was empty. The only thing she could see was a note lying on the floor. She recognised Cosmo's handwriting (and spelling) as she read:
Me and Timmy haf gon out. Bee bak sooon.
Hoping that they wouldn't get into any trouble (especially today of all days), Wanda settled back to enjoy a day of solitude.
Timmy and Cosmo were out on the back lawn, deciding what to get Wanda.
"We could get her a Crash Nebula collectable," suggested Timmy. "I know I'd want that."
"But Wanda's a girl," said Cosmo. "I don't think she'd want that."
"Well I am not doing the girl thing again!" said Timmy resolutely. "But maybe, if we can't think of anything, somebody else might. We could ask other people what to get Wanda!"
"Great idea!" said Cosmo enthusiastically. "But who do we ask?"
They thought for a moment.
"I know!" said Timmy. "We can ask TV's Adam west, a.k.a. Catman. Crime fighters always have an answer for everything!"
"Good thinking Timmy!" said Cosmo, and they poofed to Stately West Manor.
Timmy rang the doorbell, and Catman answered.
"Greetings, pink hatted and floating citizen. How can I help you on this seemingly peaceful day?"
"Um, Mr West…." Timmy started to say.
"No!" interrupted Adam West. "By day, I am TV's Adam West, humble retired actor. But by night, I am Catman, heroic crime fighter."
"But Mr West," interrupted Timmy. "It is day."
"That's what they want you to think, citizen."
There was an awkward pause.
"O-kay," said Timmy. "Uhh, Mr W…I mean Catman, what would you suggest as a good birthday present?"
"For your wife, who you may have forgotten to get a present for," added Cosmo.
"Hmmm, don't remember ever having a wife… no wonder I forgot the present. But if I had one, then truth, justice and honour would be the perfect gift."
"Can I gift wrap those?" asked Cosmo.
"Probably not, citizen. How about an autograph instead?" Catman suggested, pulling out a glossy photo of himself and signing it. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find my wife to give this to."
Wanda had decided that if she was going to be left alone, she might as well make a day of it.
'With Cosmo and Timmy away, I'll finally be able to catch up on my soaps and write a sequel to my romance novel,' she thought to herself.
As she settled down with a box of tissues to start watching the TV, someone poofed into the room.
"Did I just hear a poof?" she said.
"A very sexy poof" corrected a distinctly Spanish voice.
" A distinctly sexy Spanish voice." the voice corrected again.
"Juandissimo?" said Wanda. "What are you doing here?"
" I remember that today is your birthday, and I am here to give you the only gift I can. The eternal love and devotion of my heart." He grabbed her hand and kissed it, whilst his shirt ripped off then reappeared.
"Well, that's great," said Wanda. "But can you get me some chocolate instead? I can't watch my soaps without it."
"It is a quest, worthy of your love," said Juandissimo, as he poofed away with a shirt-ripping flourish.
"Now where do we go?" Timmy asked, sitting down on Adam West's doorstep.
"We could ask Cupid," suggested Cosmo. "He's the god of love, so he should know what Wanda will love. Right?"
"I guess so," said Timmy. "It can't hurt to try."
They poofed to Cupids house, where they found him lying on a deckchair in his garden.
"Cupid, what would Wanda love for her birthday?" asked Cosmo bluntly.
"Hmmm, that's a tough one bub," said Cupid. He looked around, thinking. "How about these fabulous love arrows!" Cupid exclaimed, holding out an arrow.
"But Wanda already loves me!" said Cosmo.
"Will she love you so much if you don't get her a present?" asked Cupid.
"Ooh, good point! I'll take one! You can't put a price on love!" said Cosmo.
"You can't," said Cupid. "But I can. That'll be $50 000."
"But I can't afford that!" gasped Cosmo.
"Oh well," said Cupid, tucking the arrow away. "Hope your wife understands."
Timmy and Cosmo floated away, with Cosmo looking more upset than before.
"Timmy, I have to get Wanda a present, or else she won't love me anymore!"
"Cosmo, this may be a pointless thing to say, but don't be stupid. Wanda will love you if you get her a present or not. Wether she'll ever speak to you again is a different matter…"
Timmy and Cosmo walked (and floated) the streets of Fairy World, one thinking of what to get Wanda, and the other not thinking of much at all.
"We've heard about you're problem, Cosmo," said a dull voice behind them.
Cosmo and Timmy spun around, coming face to face with Head Pixie and Sanderson.
"We can help you Cosmo," said HP.
"Yes, let us help you," added Sanderson.
"But you're Pixies," said Timmy suspiciously. "Why should we let you help us?"
"Because through a range of marketing research strategies, we've determined what a fairy such as Wanda wants," said Head Pixie.
"Which is?" asked Timmy sceptically.
"To give us Fairy World," said HP.
"I don't think Wanda would want that," said Cosmo slowly.
"But look at all our charts," said Sanderson, holding up complicated diagrams and graphs.
"The charts never lie, Cosmo," said HP.
"Okay! Where do I sign?" said Cosmo.
"No Cosmo!" said Timmy, pulling him away.
"But Timmy, the charts never lie!" explained Cosmo.
"Just get us out of here!" said Timmy, and they both poofed away.
"It was a nice try sir," said Sanderson.
Back in Timmy's room, Wanda was putting Juandissimo to good use.
"But Wanda, these are the hands of a lover, not a secretary." complained Juandissimo.
"Less talky, more typey," Wanda ordered. "'I was in my towel when the ninjas attacked again…'"
"Cosmo, where did you take us?" asked Timmy, looking around. It looked like they were still in Fairy World.
"To Mama's house," answered Cosmo.
"To your Mama's house?" yelled Timmy. "Why? She hates Wanda!"
Cosmo didn't seem to hear him. He knocked on the door and it swung open.
"Cosmo, my little baby, what are you doing here?" Mama Cosmo squealed delightedly.
"I want your advice Mama," said Cosmo, floating inside. "What should I get Wanda for her birthday?"
"A divorce," she answered succinctly.
"Mama, I am not divorcing Wanda on her birthday!" said Cosmo angrily.
"Well then what about Christmas? Easter? Valentines Day? My birthday! Oh what a
lovely thought! I'm sure I could find Star and Twinkle again…"
"Mama, I am not divorcing Wanda on your birthday! Or any other day," he added as an afterthought. "Come on Timmy," said Cosmo, grabbing his wrist and poofing them away.
Timmy found themselves on a street on Fairy World.
"We're going about this the wrong way," he said, pacing up and down. "We need to find someone who thinks like Wanda does. Someone exactly like Wanda…"
"Or exactly unlike her," said Cosmo, a grin starting to spread over his face. Timmy saw it and knew exactly what he was thinking.
"No Cosmo, don't you dare, Cosmo, no…!" But it was to late; Cosmo raised his wand, and in a second they were inside the fairy prison.
They travelled down past the cells until they got to the one that held Anti-Wanda.
"Anti Wanda, what did you get for your birthday?" asked Cosmo nervously. It always creeped him out to see an ugly, dumb version of his wife.
"Whose birthday? What now?" she replied stupidly.
"It's no good talking to her," said a distinctly British voice behind them.
"Anti-Cosmo?" said Timmy and Cosmo, turning around.
"Yes, it is I, Anti-Cosmo, stuck in this stupid prison. But not for long if my next plan succeeds!" He indulged himself in a little evil laugh. "What are you two morons doing here, anyway?"
"We want to know what you got Anti-Wanda for her birthday," explained Timmy.
"Nothing," he replied casually.
"Nothing?" repeated Cosmo incredulously. "Wasn't she angry?"
"No. She's to stupid to remember about birthdays."
"Whose birthday? What now?" said Cosmo.
"Right, well thanks for the help," said Timmy, steering Cosmo to the exit. The sooner they got out of there the better.
Wanda stretched luxuriously. She had just finished dictating all six thousand pages of her novel to Juandissimo, who had diligently typed them out.
"That was easier than typing it out myself," said Wanda. "But still hard work." She poofed up a drink, and lay back on her couch. "Come on Juandissimo, my shoulders won't massage themselves."
"If Anti-Wanda didn't help us, then who can?" sighed Cosmo dispiritedly.
"Come on Cosmo, don't give up. There's still another person who was born on the same day as Wanda," Timmy reminded. "Remember?"
Cosmo's blank look said he didn't.
"She was blonde…"
"Are you just listening to the elevator music again?" asked Timmy angrily.
"Huh? What'd you say?" Cosmo shook himself out of his daydream.
"I said there's another person that was born on Wandas birthday," said Timmy slowly. "She had blonde hair…"
"…works on a soap…"
"…she was the pretty one…"
The slowly turning gears in Cosmo's head clicked into place. "Ah ha! Is it Britney Britney?"
"Ahhh!" screamed Timmy in exasperation. "Just poof us to where Blonda is."
They poofed up in a corridor, outside a door with a big star and the name 'Blonda' on it.
"I guess this is it," said Timmy. He knocked twice, then opened the door. Inside was Blonda, sitting in a hot tub, eyes closed, and surrounded by flowers, chocolates and cards.
"Oh, it's you two," she said, opening her eyes and noticing Timmy and Cosmo at the door. "Come to wish me a happy birthday like my legions of adoring fans?" She waved a hand at the mountains of gifts surrounding her.
"It's your birthday too?" asked Cosmo.
"We've come to ask you what we should get Wanda for her birthday." said Timmy.
"Hmmm, well if she's getting older, which I know she is…but not to old," Blonda added quickly, "then she's going to want to look her best. Or at least try to. Just give me a second." Blonda pushed a button on a control pad next to the hot tub. Dr Rip Studwell appeared in the hot tub next to her.
"I have Dr Rip Studwell on call 24/7," Blonda explained. "He's a leading expert in plastic surgery. Tell them about it, doc."
Doctor Rip Studwell settled back, making himself comfortable. "Well, I can do just about anything. I can nip, tuck, suck, sew, lipo, boto, reduce, implant, rejuvenate and rehydrate."
"Great, you're hired!" said Cosmo.
"Cosmo, you can't get Wanda plastic surgery!" argued Timmy. "She won't want it."
"Riiight," said Cosmo, clearly not believing him.
"Trust me on this," said Timmy, pulling him away. "Thanks, but no thanks," he said to Blonda.
Cosmo poofed them ouside, where he promptly sat down in the street and began to wail.
"Cosmo, it's okay," said Timmy, trying to comfort him.
"No, it's not," he sobbed. "I still don't have a present for Wanda, and it's nearly time for the party!"
"Alright, so it's not okay," said Timmy unhelpfully. "I guess you've just got to go in there, and face the music."
" Can't I run away from the music instead?" said Cosmo helplessley
Timmy stood Cosmo up, looking him firmly in the eye. "Let's go."
Wanda was at the Pointy Crown, surrounded by guests. She had thought it would just be her, Cosmo and Timmy, but for some reason a lot of other people had known about it.
Speaking of Timmy and Cosmo, she could see them coming in, a little late. "Hey guys," she said happily, floating over to them and giving them a hug each. "Glad you could come. It looks like the party will be a bit bigger than I thought… for some reason all these other people showed up."
Cosmo and Timmy looked guiltily at each other. "Yeah, weird…"
"Happy Birthday, Wanda," called a voice through the crowd. Wanda rolled her eyes and turned to face her sister.
"Happy Birthday, Blonda," she replied, not really meaning it.
"I got you a little something," said Blonda, handing Wanda an envelope.
Wanda opened it. "Oh, plastic surgery, thankyou."
"Yeah. I thought you could do what your weird husband did that time," she said cattily, smiling condescendingly at Cosmo.
"Yeah, it's great Wanda! You should do it!" Cosmo said encouragingly.
"Cosmo, I don't want plastic surgery!"
"I'll just put it over here," said Timmy, stepping in just in time and grabbing the gift certificate "Next to the Adam West autograph, the pixies contract to give them fairy world, the love arrow, and the divorce papers."
"Just sign on the dotted line when you're ready, Wanda dear!" called Mama Cosma.
"Ditto for us." called HP from the table they were sitting at.
"Without the 'dear'," added Sanderson.
Cosmo turned to face Wanda.
"Um, Wanda I'm sorry I didn't get you a present, but…"
"What are you talking about Cosmo?" interrupted Wanda. "You got me a great present!"
"Errrr, I did?"
"Sure Cosmo! You gave me a day to myself with Juandissimo as my personal slave. We got so much done, didn't we Juandissimo. Juandissimo? Oh, he's fallen asleep. Anyway, thanks for the great birthday Cosmo." Wanda gave him a big kiss. "Especially since everyone else's gifts were so weird."
As Wanda turned away to talk to her guests, Cosmo said to his godchild, "I learnt something today, Timmy."
"That Juandissimo looks cute when he's passed out from exhaustion?"
"There's that, but I also learnt that I didn't need to buy anything fancy for Wanda on her birthday to make her happy."
"Awwww" said Timmy.
"Yeah. All I had to do was completely ignore her and let her boss her ex-boyfriend around."
"Well" said Timmy. "Who wouldn't want that?"