The Lair Of The Emperor Dalek.

Emperor Dalek: Reporrtttt!


Emperor Dalek: I'm waiting!


Doors open and close The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek enters.

The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: Emperor, The Master's Tardis has been moved to my storeroom!

Emperor Dalek: Excellent! Glad to see someone is on top of things!

The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: Is everything okay Emperor?

Emperor Dalek: Moments before you entered, I asked for a report, no Dalek responded.


The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: There are no other Daleks present Emperor!

Emperor Dalek: None?

The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: Apart from the guards that hover above your helmet in an ever constant vigil!

Emperor Dalek: And they failed to respond!

Hovering Guard 1: Emperoooorrrr!

Emperor Dalek: Ahh at last you have found your voice, REPOOORRRTTTTT!

Hovering Guard 1: The helmet area is secure!

Emperor Dalek: Is it gleamy and shiny?

Hovering Guard 1: Yes Emperor!

Emperor Dalek: EXCELLENT! I shall overlook the fact that you did not look down when you addressed me in your report!

Hovering Guard 1: It is a precaution, looking down may cause me to crash to my doom!

Emperor Dalek: You serve The Daleks! Your life does not matter!

Hovering Guard 1: But fragments of my shattered casing could scratch and dent your shiny gleamy helmet Emperor!


Emperor Dalek: This is true, very well you have shown initiative!

Hovering Guard 1: Does this mean I could be promoted Emperor?

Emperor Dalek: You mean become a Black Dalek?

Hovering Guard 1: Yes Emperor!

Emperor Dalek: And finally escape the drudgery of hovering guard duty?

Hovering Guard 1: Hovering Guard duty is Fulfilling!

Emperor Dalek: I'm very glad to hear it!

Hovering Guard 1: Staring at your shiny gleamy helmet all day whilst hovering above ground at a dangerous height is challenging and rewarding!

Emperor Dalek: Well if it is challenging and rewarding why do you wish to leave?

Hovering Guard 1: I wish to further my potential and apply my centuries of experience in staring at your shiny gleamy helmet all day whilst hovering above ground at a dangerous height to further use!

Emperor Dalek: It's not because you find it boring then?

Hovering Guard 1: No Emperor! I serve the Daleks my personal fulfillment or boredom is inconsequential!

Emperor Dalek: Hmmmm…. I will think on this… Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek, how much black paint do we have?

The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: Enough for two Black Daleks Emperor!

Emperor Dalek: Two Black Daleks? Excellent! In that case I will promote you Hovering Guard Dalek!

Hovering Guard 1: Thank you Emperor!

Emperor Dalek: As a Black Dalek you will be responsible for overseeing the Guard Duty of all hovering Guards by taking up prime position over my shiny gleamy helmet all day long hovering above ground at a dangerous height!


Hovering Guard 1: But that is my present function!

Emperor Dalek: Exactly! You have centuries of experience in this challenging and rewarding task there is no candidate more worthy than you!


Hovering Guard 1: Thank…You…Emperor!

Emperor Dalek: Think nothing of it good prospects and career advancement are essential for an efficient Dalek Empire!

Doors open and close Other Dalek 2 enters.



Other Dalek 2: The Master is ready to provide a demonstration of his device!

Emperor Dalek: Excellent! show him in!

Doors slide open and shut. The Master and Ug enter, Ug is carrying the device.

The Master: Be careful Ug set it down slowly!

Ug The Ogron: Ug obey!

Crashing sound!

Ug The Ogron: Sorry…

The Master: It's okay I allowed for your clumsiness by constructing the demonstration model from polycarbide armour!

Ug The Ogron: Ug not clumsy! Ug just have big hands!

The Master: Yes and smelly armpits, now if you don't mind!

Ug The Ogron: Ogron smell to attract female Ogron! Then make Ogron babies!



The Master: Yes Emperor! Right away!

Ug The Ogron: Ug feel horny now!

The Master: Ug! Be silent! Emperor you may recall that earlier I observed that your new Daleks retain far too much of their original humanity.

Emperor Dalek: I recall this proceed!

Ug The Ogron: When Ogron is horny and there is no mate we use the next best thing!


The Master: Ug! TOO MUCH INFORMATION! Be silent, I am your Master! My apologies Emperor it must be the Ogron mating season.

Emperor Dalek: Very well…Proceed!

The Master: Well the solution is simple, you have very cleverly enslaved the human race, but your Dalek force will be far more efficient if you adopt measures to condition them unknowingly.

Ug The Ogron: Hello Dalek…

Emperor Dalek: You mean subliminally?

Ug The Ogron: Can I feel your bumps?

The Master: I do indeed!

Emperor Dalek: And how do you propose we do that?


Ug the Ogron grunts and groans.

Emperor Dalek: What is going on?

The Master: It's nothing Emperor Ogrons are wild beasts it is best just to let him get it out of his system, I'm sure it will all be over in a matter of minutes!

Other Dalek 2: EMERGENCY! EMERGEN…oohhh!

Ug the Ogron still grunts and groans.

Ug the Ogron: Suffer Bitch Suffer!

Emperor Dalek: Proceed with your explanation!

The Master: Er where was I? Oh yes Planting subliminal messages!


Other Dalek 2: Help meeeee!

Emperor Dalek: But we already Plant subliminal messages on our gameshows!

Ug The Ogron ceases to groan.

The Master: And all that achieves is to encourage the human race to do nothing but get drunk, watch TV, and er procreate, Ug go and clean yourself up!

Ug The Ogron: Yes Master, see you around baby!

Doors slide open and shut.

Emperor Dalek: Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek, see what you can do about cleaning away those stains from that Dalek!

The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: I obey!

Other Dalek 2: Thank you Emperor!

Emperor Dalek: Be Silent you slut!


Water spray can be heard as The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek starts to clean.

The Master: As I was saying Emperor humans are lazy, you cannot make good Daleks from lazy people!

Squeaking sounds as The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek starts scrubbing.

The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: Is the friction too much for you?

Other Dalek 2: Don't you start!

Emperor Dalek: So what does this machine do?

The Master: Physical activity! What is it that all humans need to do?

Emperor Dalek: Apart from get drunk, watch TV, and procreate?

The Master: Yes apart from that!

Emperor Dalek: I do not know…

The Master: They need to clean!

Emperor Dalek: To clean?

The Master: Yes Emperor this superb vacuum cleaner comes with suction settings as thin as a mat or as thick as shagpile!

Other Dalek 2: Do not mock me!

The Master: I wasn't mocking you, it was just a coincidence that I looked in your direction when I said the word shagpile! He's very sensitive isn't he?

Emperor Dalek: So it cleans what is subliminal about that?

The Master: I am coming to that Emperor, this product is unique, it is the worlds first silent vacuum cleaner!

Emperor Dalek: And that is good because?

The Master: Because humans find cleaning to be boring Emperor! They like to do it whilst watching tv or listening to music, and that is where my piece de resistance comes in!

Emperor Dalek: Presumably I am supposed to ask what that might be!

The Master: This silent vacuum cleaner comes fitted with an MP3 player!

Emperor Dalek: Really how big?

The Master: Well I thought 20GB ought to do it! And a cordless headset!

The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: That is about 750,000 songs!

The Master: Indeed! But the MP3 player is rigged to play subliminal messages designed to instill Dalek loyalty and conditioning into the user!

The Special Tools Arclight Welding Dalek: With 750,000 songs just exactly how long are you expecting them to clean for?

The Master: It does not matter, they can have a variety of songs but minimal exposure to the subliminal messages will trigger the conditioning!

Emperor Dalek: What sort of messages?

The Master: Well that would be up to you Emperor what sort of messages would you like?

Emperor Dalek: Hmmmm… Let's see! How about The Daleks reign Supreme!

The Master: That sounds good!

Emperor Dalek: Or We are the superior race of the universe, join us or be exterminated!

The Master: Brilliant Emperor, now if I can make another suggestion, trust me on this…

Emperor Dalek: Proceedddd!

The Master: Dalek plush toys…

Emperor Dalek: Talking plush toys?

The Master: you read my mind!