Disclaimer: Adrienne and I do not own the Lord of the Rings characters.
A/N: I AM BACK! And with the help of my bestest pally Adrienne, I am posting yet another LOTR parody. Except this one is ten bajillion times better.
Gollum was falling into a black and lava ridden pit called Mt. Doom. Frodo was standing at the precipice, watching as the thing that threatened to destroy the whole of Middle Earth was about to be destroyed itself.
Frodo closed his eyes and waited for the end to come. He heard the wild shriek of Gollum as he fell to his fiery death. Surely now, Middle Earth would be saved.
Any moment now.
No, really, any moment now.
Frodo was confused, as usual. Nothing had happened! This wasn't in the script. Out of habit, he went to grab his promise ring that Sam had given him, but lo and behold! It wasn't there! It took a moment for Frodo to realize what happened to it. A very looooooooooooooooong moment.
"SNAP!" he screamed.
"What is it, hunny bunny?" Sam asked lovingly as he limped over to his lover.
"Nothing, snuggles!" Frodo said, hiding his ring finger. "It's just that…I've made a mistake.
"Did you forget your rubber undies? I've told you so many times-"
"NO! No! I threw the promise ring you gave me into the fire instead of the One Ring!" Frodo finished quickly.
"What?" Sam said, putting his hand to his heart, looking rather hurt. "Oh, so THAT'S why you didn't turn invisible when you put it on!"
"But… why did you say you could see me!"
"Because it worked with the…uh…games we played."
"Oh! So that's why you kept smacking my butt!"
"Right-o, hunny bun!" Sam grabbed the back of his lover's neck and proceeded to make out with him. Then he remembered that he irresponsibly threw the promise ring into the fire. Sam smacked Frodo hard across his face.
"WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR PROBLEM!"
As the fight outside of Mt. Doom rage on, Aragorn belched loudly. He was slacking along with Legolas and Gimli.
"Dang, I wish Reno 911 was on," Gimli said as he scratched his groin area. They were all hiding in a cave, watching t.v. rather than the battle outside.
Legolas was primping his hair involuntarily as he watched Trigger Happy T.V. "Those penny loafers are, like, SO three minutes ago."
"NOBODY CARES, LOSER!" Aragorn shouted. He was having anger problems again. "When I become king, penny loafers will be in- FOREVER."
"Touchy, touchy." Legolas muttered.
"All this shouting is horrible for my dead sexy ears," Gimli said, "And when loafers are in forever, I'll wear them on my sexy feet and the sexy shoes will make me sexy FO' EVA!"
"Okay! Shut up already!" Legolas said as he brushed his hair for the 4,657 millionth time, "How many times can you say sexy in a sentence?"
"Sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy-"
"Shut UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!" Aragorn bellowed. Suddenly, the door flew open and banged against the wall. Gandalf the White stood in the doorway, looking very put out.
"What is the meaning of this!" Gandalf shouted angrily.
"Sexy." Gimli whispered.
"We got bored." Legolas said as he flicked his hair. Again. "Besides, fighting all those orcs is HORRIBLE for my complexion."
"And my sexy legs." Aragorn threw a pillow at Gimli. It was a very hard pillow. Actually it was a rock. "Owwww…my dead sexy helmet."
"You fools! Haven't you heard!" Gandalf cried, "The fate of Middle Earth rests on our shoulders!"
"Well, whoever put it there was really DUMB." Aragorn snapped. "When I become king, that person is going to be really dead." They all stared at him. "Really!" he yelled at them.
Just then, a call came through on Gandalf's cell phone. He pulled it out of his robes and slapped it open angrily. "Hello!"
"Uh…Gandalf…" a near-sobbing voice said.
"Who is this?"
"What happened now? Did you forget your rubber undies again?"
"NO! Why does everyone think that!"
"Because you always do." Legolas said
"MEANIE!" he heard Frodo yell.
"Anyway," Gandalf said, "what happened?"
"Well…you know how you sent me on that whole 'destroy the ring' quest? Well…don't be mad…but, uh…I dropped the wrong Ring into the volcano."
"WHAT! Which ring did you drop!"
"Uh…never mind that, but, uh-"
"Wait," Gandalf said, "Where is THE ring?"
"Well…" Frodo started, "Remember that night at the Prancing Pony when Aragorn let us sleep in his bed?"
"You let hobbits sleep in your bed?" Legolas said. Aragorn messed up his hair, which sent the elf into a frenzy.
"I think I might have left it there." Frodo continued, "Maybe. We were all pretty frisky that night-"
"AHHHH! MY EARS!" Gandalf pulled the cell phone away from his ear. "Young man," He screamed into the phone, "you are getting you're butt up and walking ALL the way back and getting that ring!"
"Awww, but Gandalf…"
"I don't want to hear it! You're doing as I say!"
"But that's a really long way. Can't I just rent a helicopter? or a Ferrari?…pick up some hott hobbit chicks…or dudes…"
"What was that last thing you said?"
"Nothing!" Frodo said quickly.
"Look, helicopters don't exist now."
"Neither do cell phones." Frodo pointed out.
"Dang, foo'!" Merry cursed as he stabbed an orc, "My gold fronts is missin'!"
"What, M-Dawg?" Pippin called
"My gold fronts, P-Dizzle! They's missin'!"
"Yo, G, they under that mutha-effers feet!"
"FEETS!" Merry argued, "We ghetto, foo'!"
"Oh. Right, G-Unit!" Suddenly, they heard the battle music being cut off and Gandalf shouting over the battle cries.
"STOP!" The wizard waved his arms around wildly, "STOP THE FIGHTING! We're going to have to get a raincheck! Frodo screwed up! Again."
"Darn you, Fro-DORK!" a random orc shouted.
"I HEARD THAT!" cried a very distant voice. That sounded very gay. It was definitely Frodo.
All the orcs sighed in unison and marched back to Mount Doom. Merry and Pippin, or M-Dawg and P-Dizzle, ran over to Gandalf.
"Yo, what's the dealio-izzle?"
"Long story short," Gandalf said, "Frodo is gay."
"Dawg, we already knew that." P-Dizzle said.
"Well, also," Gandalf said, "He threw the wrong ring into the fire and lost the One Ring somewhere along the way of the journey."
"THAT'S WHACK!" M-Dawg said in a rage. He had wasted all his pimpjuice for nothing.
"Don't worry though, he rented a helicopter and it's going to pick us up and take us to Bree."
P-Dizzle saw Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas coming down out of a cave, muttering something about penny-loafers and looking very grumpy. "We have helicopters now?"
"And cell phones," Gandalf said, holding one up.
Suddenly, a helicopter landed and they all got in and set their bags down. Something rubbery fell out of Gimli's bag.
"So THAT'S where my rubber undies got to!" Frodo said.
"You told me you were still wearing them." Sam said, still sounding angry.
"Oh…" Frodo said as his cheeks blushed and his eyes darted from place to place. "I…uh…lied."
They all scooted a little further away from him.