The Ultimate Bishounen

Free rent? Who wouldn't take such an offer! However, when it involves having to transform gothic Uchiha Sasuke into a sparkly, nose-bleed inducing bish, suddenly the offer seems more impossible than surviving an atomic bomb.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, the end.

A/N: plot borrowed from The Wallflower, slightly OOC Itachi.

x .CH.1: The Impossible Proposition. x

If angels lived on Earth, Uchiha Itachi would certainly be pinpointed as one of God's heavenly descendents. If the Devil existed, Itachi would instantly be suspected of dark deeds, for his appearance certainly was sinful. With large dark eyes, long, straight, shiny onyx hair, a perfect bone structure and an equally perfect body, he had looks that drove both woman and men into crazed stupors of love -or obsession, it was all really the same to him.

This was where Itachi's problem began and four girls' lives became Hell.

For a good year, Haruno Sakura, Tachibana Temari, Yamanaka Ino and Odagiri Tenten lived in a stress free boarding house run by Itachi, or as they liked to call him, "The Prince". The name was certainly not endearing, however; Itachi was a spoiled man who didn't know anything about running a boarding house or looking after his tenants. The poor girls were charged a decent amount, but most of their money went to food -Itachi had a horrible habit of thinking he could cook and ended up burning most of edible food in the pantry and fridge.

The house itself was in decent condition, although at times a piece of the ceiling would fall on an unsuspecting resident and the water became ice-cold in roughly five minutes, forcing showers to be rapid and barely thorough. Air-conditioning was non-existent and they barely survived the hot caresses of summer.

Not to mention the crazed hordes of people who waited outside for Itachi whenever he was home. Thankfully, he was gone 80 percent of the time but when he did drop by, the girls knew it would be wise to hide. When it came to Itachi, it was an 'every woman for herself' situation, which was a shame considering how close they really were.

The girls all attended the same High School, Sakura and Ino in their Sophomore years, Tenten a Junior and Temari a Senior. Although they were separated in school, they still spent every lunch together and if not participating in some extra-curricular activity, tried to go home together.

Sakura was the self-assessed brains of the group. She fluctuated from being completely quiet to being louder than a foghorn. Her pink hair made her a favorite among the boys and she certainly was the most feminine out of all the girls.

However, the role of the flirt was Ino's job, mainly due to her massive self-esteem. Certainly, she could charm some boys, although most of them were terrified of her. She was loud and rambunctious and very few people noticed that she did have a soft side.

Temari was the sporty one, although she despised the term and usually drop-kicked whoever's mouth it came out of. She was the tallest and certainly the most beautiful out of all the girls. Boys, however, may have adored her but they made sure to stay clear of her path.

Tenten, meanwhile, spent a good majority of her time playing off her cuteness or simply busying herself with her laptop. Usually she was mistaken for a Junior High student, which caused her to go on a rampage but most of the time she was cheerful.

It was on a Spring morning that Ino was sweeping the steps outside that she saw the more than familiar black car pull up and one leather clad leg step out of the door. Rightfully frightened, she dropped her broom and sped into the house, screeching, "He's here! The Prince is here!".

There were a multitude of screams throughout the house while the girls tried to collect themselves and find a decent place to hide. Temari, having emerged from the shower, decided to wrap a towel around herself and creep back into the tub, making sure to draw the curtains and turn off the lights. Sakura found that under the guest bed was most appropriate and tried not to sneeze from the multitude of dust bunnies she encountered. Tenten chose to scurry up a tree in the backyard and meanwhile, Ino found that despite her good deed of warning her fellow roommates about the Devil's arrival, she really had no place to go once the door swung open.

As usual, Itachi was wearing a bizarre and yet completely fashionable business suit, this time made of leather. His hair was tied back at the nape of his neck and he bore a tired expression on his perfect face. He blinked heavily for a moment and then looked around briefly before noticing Ino.

"Where are the rest?"

"Ah... they're ... out..." she lied, although she reasoned that in Tenten's case, it was technically truth. Itachi seemed skeptical and lumbering into the main corridor, he glanced left to right, up and down, before sighing and sweeping back an escaped tendril of his soft hair.

"Still working?" he asked and it seemed for the first time, he was actually directly looking at her.

Ino nodded, slightly hoping that he wasn't considering increasing the rent.

"Did any of you learn how to cook?"

This time she shook her head and tried to bite back the retort that although they truly couldn't cook, they still cooked better than him. Temari had been taking over the meal-making in the household and she cooked like a goddess -something they would certainly not tell their landlord in fear that he would take advantage of her. Itachi certainly had strange fetishes, and a girl who could cook happened to be his greatest one. Therefore, the girls didn't try -at least, in front of him they didn't. Personally, Ino felt that Temari was the most venerable one out of all of them -the moment she had stepped into the house one year ago, Itachi's dull black eyes had lit up like a boy's on Christmas Day.

She found herself glaring quite blatantly at him yet this didn't seem to cause his fox-like smile to falter. If anything, it became more twisted.

"Want free rent?"

There was a loud slam, an equally loud bang and an even louder thump and in less than a minute, three heaving girls were standing next to Ino. Only Ino was collected enough to notice the smirk on Itachi's face and she blurted, "You're up to something!"

Itachi shook his head. "Tsk, Ino, you must learn to trust people. I have a proposition for you, but if you're going to continue to insult me, I may retract it..."

"Fine, I'm sorry, let's hear it!" Recently, Ino had been taking extra shifts in order to cover all of her living expenses, and if free rent meant anything, it meant more money. Sakura, Temari and Tenten must have been thinking the same thing because none of them seemed to notice that Tenten had leaves in her hair, Sakura was covered in dust and Temari was wearing nothing more than a towel (which Itachi seemed to notice quite easily).

"You're going to be getting a new roommate. If you can transform this person into an ultimate sex-icon, alongside alter their personality completely, then you'll have free rent for your entire High School stay."

"Forget it," was the first thing Temari said, her arms crossed tightly over her towel-clad bosom and her eyes glaring quite efficiently. "I'm only here for another year, anyway."

"Ah... Tem..." Tenten began but the girl was already walking away.

"He'll cook and clean."

This suddenly stopped her and without turning around, she asked, "He?"

The other three girls seemed equally confused and they looked from one to another and then braved looking at their landlord.

"Yes, 'He'. My younger brother is about the same age as Sakura and Ino, although he certainly doesn't seem like it. If anything, he's a shame to the male species." With that, he tossed his ponytail over his shoulder with flourish and batted his long eyelashes. "I can't even take him out in public!" He wiped a tear with a nail polished finger. "I... I've tried everything and unfortunately, you're my only hope-"

"Unfortunately...?" Sakura began, but was cut of abruptly by Itachi grabbing her by the shoulders and giving her a light shake. For the first time, his eyes seemed to glitter and Sakura felt faint.

"My brother needs to realize that he has a gift! I can't allow my name to be tainted just because of one foolish little kid! I'm not asking for that much of a miracle!"

Before Sakura could repeat, "that much" with an air of uncertainty, Itachi hurried to the French doors (which nicely shocked the girls considering that Itachi rarely seemed to function on enough energy to think) and opened them with a wide bang.

Outside, the sun had somehow been replaced by heavy black clouds and instead of the robins Ino and Tenten had seen earlier, crows swooped through the air and cried ominously.

And in the doorway, concealed in a shroud of darkness stood a hunched over figure.

"Hey, get in here!" Itachi cried out and the figure shuffled forward, causing all of the girls (including Temari) to take a weary step back.

He's punishing us! were the only thoughts in their heads.

In the dim glow of the hallway light, the figure was revealed to be a teenage boy -or at least, it seemed to be a boy. His bangs cascaded over his eyes, leaving them to wonder whether he really had any, and the rest of his hair was equally unruly, sticking out as if he had been electrocuted on the way here.

His body was thin and although covered by black, baggy clothing, they could tell that he was quite bony. And even though he stood at a decent height, his overall appearance made him seem shorter, somehow, and more sinister.

Sakura bit back a squeak, Ino swayed, Temari gulped and Tenten began to cry.

"Sasuke, there are your new roommates.." Itachi was saying but drifted off when he realized that his younger (and much different) brother wasn't listening to him. Instead, he made a beeline to the basement doors and quickly entered, slamming the door without much care, either.

Instantly, the room became brighter and the girls returned to normal (although Tenten was still sniffling).

"You want us to make that into a human being!" Temari was the first to shout. Itachi turned his cold eyes to her and poisoned her with such a glare that she backed into Ino.

"When I come back, he'd better be a bish, OR ELSE YOUR RENT IS TRIPLED!"

The girls all squealed about the injustice, but Itachi merely gave them a sinister smile (at least one thing was the same about the brothers -they were both pure evil) and left the home, saying something about Bermuda and beer.

The girls stood in shock for a moment, trying to register exactly what had happened. Her mind working quickly, Sakura was the first to come to a more than definite conclusion.

"He's pawned his brother off to us!" she cried out, her green eyes beginning to blaze with resentment. "He didn't want to take care of him and shoved him onto us!"

"Why'd he want to do that?" Ino asked, frowning. "I mean, he could have easily dumped him into some boarding school."

"Ah, but-" Sakura raised a finger and smiled to herself. "-then he'd have to pay the expenses. Think about it, he gave us an impossible task and if we don't accomplish it -which is most likely -our rent is tripled. Who wins here?"

"I REFUSE!" Temari cried out, stomping hard on the floor. "I want him out! Now!"

"...And how are you going to do that?" Tenten asked, the slightest bit of hope in her voice. "I mean, all his stuff is here and Itachi-"

"DAMN THAT WEASEL!" Temari screamed and rushed to the basement. Yet before she could descend, Ino and Sakura grabbed her by the arms.

"You're in a towel," Sakura pointed out. "I don't think that's the best thing to wear when trying to kick someone out of the house."

"Fine, I'll go change!"

"No, wait, wait!" Ino cried out, her eyes twinkling mischievously. "Temari, you should go seduce him! He won't be able to resist you! I mean, it's simple! By tomorrow, after having fallen in love with you, he'll have turned into the perfect bishounen!"

"No way."


"Get the hell off of me, Ino!"

A struggle followed as Ino grabbed onto Temari's waist and begged her to go after the boy while Temari struggled to get her off. None of the girls realized the danger of this fight until Temari's step back faltered and she fell backward down the basement steps.

And her towel happened to be in Ino's hands.

"MY EYES!" Tenten cried out and began to sob even harder.

"Oh no..." Sakura voiced after there was a loud thump and an even louder curse from the fallen girl.

"What a figure..." Ino remarked and the other two girls glared at her.

"You gave her to that beast like a sacrificial lamb!" Sakura cried out, beginning to go down the stairs. Ino merely shrugged while Tenten was hesitant about following the pink haired girl down the stairs.

Temari, meanwhile, was scrambling up before she noticed she had fallen on something soft. Getting up, she loomed over what the object was and the object, now revealed as a person, promptly screamed. She began screaming as well and the rest of the girls hurried down the stairs.

"Hide me!" Temari cried out, latching herself onto Sakura. Tenten took off her sweater and wrapped it around Temari's back while Ino glared at Sasuke, who was currently nursing what seemed like a bleeding nose.

"See? He's like every other guy -a complete pervert!" she shouted, pointing at him.

"She's the one who fell in naked on me!" he said. "And did you have to open the door so wide? The light is seeping in... it's burning me!"

"He's positively insane!" Sakura cried out and she hurried Temari up the stairs. Tenten followed but Ino remained behind.

"So, you're planning to stay here with us...?"

"It's not like I want to!" he shouted. "Ugly women..."

"Ugly!" she shrieked, her hands balling into fists of fury. "Talk about who's the ugly one here!"

"I like the way I am... it's better to embrace the darkness..."

"How about embracing the light, huh?"

"I did once... once..." Sasuke's face instantly twisted (although it was somewhat difficult to tell with his long bangs covering the top half of his face) and he began to laugh madly. Frightened by the obvious display of insanity, Ino scrambled up the stairs and slammed the door shut.

This was one guy she wasn't even going to try to seduce...!

Week One.x

"Hey, Useless!" Ino cried out, banging on the basement door. "Make us some breakfast, will ya?"

"Ino, don't provoke him..." Tenten said quietly but was hushed up with a heavy glare from Ino.

"Because of him, Temari is in bed with a cold! I don't want to starve!"

"Forget it, I'll make breakfast," Sakura piped and before the two girls could stop her, she was already cracking some eggs open. Ten minutes later, a scrumptious looking breakfast was spread out before them and Sakura agreed to take Sasuke's share down to him (although Ino protested that he should starve to death).

When she turned on the basement light, there was a bloodcurdling scream and she nearly dropped the plate. Trying to steady her heart, she turned off the light and tried to find her way down from the dim morning light pushing through the garbage-bag covered windows.

She only went in the basement to do laundry, but she could tell that Sasuke had certainly changed it to meet his morbid tastes. There were posters of famous movie killers like Jason and Freddy and he happened to have vials of bizarre things she would rather not place. Screams were coming from the television set, which happened to be playing a gruesome slasher flick.

Overall, she decided she would never come down and do the laundry again.

"H-here's your food..." she stuttered, putting the plate down. Sasuke was glued to the television set but when he turned around, the light from the TV gave an eerie glow to his already pale face. His eyes were still not visible thanks to his bangs and overall he looked frightening.

Goodbye free rent... was the only thing on Sakura's mind.

Sasuke grabbed the food she brought him and brought a forkful of omelette to his black lips (whereupon she noticed he had a silver lip-ring). He chewed and then spit it out onto the plate.

"You can't cook..." he said and she caught the white of his eyes through his bangs as he glared at her.

He's like the girl from The Ring! she thought, flinching.

Leaning over, he rummaged through a pile of indistinguishable items and retrieved a large butcher knife. He then got up and slowly began walking toward her. Quickly she curled into a ball and prayed that being stabbed to death wasn't too painful (although judging from the screams coming from the television, that seemed unlikely).

However, a few minutes later when she was still in one piece and without blood flowing like river out of her, she realized that Sasuke was no longer in the basement. In fact, he was leaving it for what seemed like the first time.

Curious and somewhat afraid, she hastily climbed up the stairs and rushed to where she had last seen her friends.

"Ooh, I'm going to die...!"

"It hurts, it hurts!"

He's killing them!

Looking around, the only suitable weapon she could find was weed-killer. Deciding it would have to suffice, she held it tightly and slowly entered the kitchen.

Ino and Tenten were scraping the remains of their breakfast into the garbage bin, looking quite ill at it. Sasuke, meanwhile, was busy at the stove, cooking what seemed like omelettes and crepes.

"A-are you guys okay?" she asked, still holding the weed-killer.

"No thanks to you," Ino voiced, covering her mouth as if she were prepared to puke.

"Sakura, what did you put in the food?" Tenten asked, moaning slightly.

"Nothing! I just added some stuff... like Rosemary and Basil and Thyme and...chocolate..."

"Ooh, I'm going to puke..." Ino pushed past the two girls and hurried to the bathroom.

There was a clattering of plates behind them and they turned to see a messy looking breakfast before them. Sakura hadn't had the chance to try her (apparently) bad cooking so she reluctantly sat down and nibbled at the contents of her plate. Instantly her face lit up and she turned with astonishment to Sasuke, who seemed somewhat indifferent.

"I haven't eaten food this good since I left home!" Tenten cried out.

"Where did you learn to cook like that?" Sakura asked and he merely shrugged.

"My eyes are burning..." he said and stuffing his face with an omelette, he prepared to leave. However, there seemed to be an obstruction in his way for he re-entered the kitchen and scurried under the table.

Temari, in a robe and seeming quite sick, lumbered into the kitchen and it seemed she was going to sit at the table. However, instead she grabbed under it and pulled a kicking Sasuke out by the collar of his black sweatshirt.

"I've decided -you're not going to live here and cause us trouble. If anything, we're getting that free rent!"

Sasuke didn't seem to be listening to her, his hands covering his face. Like Itachi, he had nail polish on but instead of his older brother's favorite bright colors, Sasuke opted for black, making his hands seem undead.

"Let me see your face!" Temari demanded but Sasuke was already slipping out of his sweatshirt in an effort to escape. Furious, Temari tackled him when he slipped out and they struggled. In the end, she was straddling him in nothing more than a robe and her underwear while he was trying to push her off of him without having to touch her breasts.

Sakura, acting fast, rushed over to them and while Sasuke was distracted, pulled the bangs away from his face and gasped. As far as they knew, Sasuke was many things (a good cook, a scary person, fashion brain-dead), but ugly was not one of them. Sure he had bags under his dark and sinister eyes, and his eyebrows could've used a good plucking and removal of the rings in them, but he still possessed the attractive bone-structure of his brother and although his skin was sickeningly pasty, it was flawless.

Instantly, the three girls began dreaming about the ultimate makeover they could give him while he squirmed under Temari's weight. Their dreams were broken, however, when Ino walked into the kitchen and noticed the bizarre sight.

"He... he's hideous!" she cried out, distracting the girls long enough for Sasuke to push Temari off of him and bolt down to the basement, covering his nose to ease what seemed to be yet another nosebleed.

"Look what you did!" Sakura said, pointing in the general direction he had ran. "We were so close to giving him a makeover!"

"You'd need plastic surgery for that!" Ino said and then turned to Temari. "And what were you doing so close to him?"

"I wanted to see his face, see what we're up against," she said, getting up. "I don't think it'll be that hard."

"I'll go get my makeup kit!" Tenten offered, preparing to scurry up to their rooms. The rest of the girls finished their breakfast and prepared to bombard Sasuke's room.

Armed with every beauty product imaginable, a rope, flashlights, lavender scented candles, perfume and white paint, they descended the stairs to the ominous basement where screams were coming from.

"What... what's going on?" Tenten asked, having never seen the entirety of Sasuke's room before.

"Horror movies," Sakura explained and Ino shuddered.

When they arrived, Sasuke was sitting with his face practically glued to the screen, a look of utter pleasure on his face as the killer hacked a victim apart. Turning around, he gave them a sinister grin and Tenten immediately dropped her share of products and ran back up the stairs.

"Never mind her, get him!" Temari shouted and soon, they had Sasuke tied to a chair. Ino pinned back his bangs and began to work on his eyebrows, but every time she plucked one, he would curse and attempt to kick her. Fed up, she allowed Sakura to try to even his skin tone but he would swivel his head from side to side until she also gave up and allowed Temari to approach him with her scissors. Meanwhile, the other girls began to work on his room, painting the walls and removing everything despicable inside of it.

"He needs a poster of Kasumi in here!" Sakura was saying while Ino furiously disagreed.

"Gackt! Gackt!"

"LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE!"he shouted but neither girl seemed to care. He tried moving in his chair but Temari firmly planted a foot in the space between his legs.

"One more move and it goes higher," she threatened and he glowered. Lifting a strand of his hair, she prepared to cut it but he spoke.


"I need to."


Ignoring him, she leaned down and moved to snip a piece when she felt something wet, soft, and something else metallic caress the side of her face. Shrieking, she dropped the scissors and kicked Sasuke's chair down before rubbing the side of her face violently.

"Tem, what happened?" Ino asked but didn't wait for an answer as Temari lunged at Sasuke. Unfortunately, she was grabbed by Sakura and Ino, who struggled to keep her from killing the boy.

"I told you not to cut my hair," he said, wiggling out of the ropes. Once out, he grabbed them and began to snap them against one another threateningly. "Let's see how much you girls like being cut."

It was now Ino and Sakura's turn to shriek and they bolted up the stairs in an instant. Temari, however, managed to grab the bucket of paint and splash Sasuke with it before running off herself.

They barred the basement doors with a bookcase and then hurried upstairs where they all huddled underneath a blanket in Tenten's bed.

"He... he had a tongue ring..." Temari moaned and then shuddered.

Uchiha Sasuke would be the death of them.

x. CH. 1

A/N: I'm not sure what to say... uhm... they seem OOC right now, but they'll fall into their right characters soon enough. Chapter Two introduces their school life and a few other characters (Naruto included). Err... yay for Miyavi!