A/N: Welcome (back) to Goku's Firsts. :D For those who didn't catch it the first time, this is a compilation of my one-shots about Goku's experiences the first time they happen. First bath, first book, first drink, etc. They alternate between Goku's life on Earth and his life five hundred years ago in Heaven. I was bouncing back and forth pretty regularly for awhile, but eventually it just became whatever. (L) Currently, there are seventeen of these puppies set back.Not all of them will make it back to the re-post (possibly). I'm still editing them one by one. If you'd like to suggest a first to be written, you can find a link to the ffn author's message board and my section in my profile. Start a thread and get to talking:D

Every chapter is independent and Goku's age will vary in each. I try to give a good idea of where in the series/how old he is, but if it's not clear, feel free to ask. :D With that done, I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. I just like to play around...

EDITED: 08/19/05 for spelling mistakes. Thanks for pointing them out guys!

Chapter 1: First Bath

It had been a week now since Kanzeon "The Merciful Goddess" had so eloquently shoved Goku into Konzen's loving and capable hands and the blond God was spitting nails. Thankfully it was in a figurative way, but few who saw the deity marching down the hallway in search of his new 'pet' doubted it would take much more for that to change. Apparently, the little monkey had somehow managed to create the worlds largest mud pit; right in the middle of Konzen's floor. And just as magically as this mud had appeared in the short time the blond had left the child alone, so too had the boy magically disappeared. It wasn't like it was hard to track the little imp down, all Konzen had to do was follow the long winding trail of muddy footprints down the hall. Which is the exact thing he was doing at this moment while smoke seemed to pour from his head.

"I'm going to murder that damn monkey," he mumbled, his violet eyes scanning each way for any sign of Goku.

"Not if I get him first."

Konzen stopped and turned to an amusing sight. The easy-going General Kenren was walking towards him looking almost as furious as the blond deity himself did. Quite a feat considering the redhead was covered with a large helping of fresh mud.

Konzen raised an eyebrow. "I take it you saw the little chimp."

"You could say I saw him." Kenren said through his cigarette. "But saying he tackled me into a hug then ran off giggling about needing more mud would be more accurate."

The blond snorted. Good. Now he knew where to find the little brat. Without another word he turned and stomped his way back towards his room. Kenren followed, pissed, but amused nonetheless at Goku's antics. He whistled once his saw the muddy devastation the boy had already caused.

"Wow. Kid doesn't mess around when he plays."

A familiar chuckle echoed out just then and Kenren turned to see Field Marshal Tenpou gazing down at the mess from inside the room.

"Somehow I doubt Goku does anything second-rate." Tenpou grinned. "Especially when it's something he doesn't know he shouldn't do."

Konzen snorted again. "It doesn't really matter now, does it? I'm going to kill the little brat!"

"Now, now Konzen. You can't really blame Goku. It's not like he knows any better." Tenpou admonished.

Both men sighed as something like 'he will when I get done with him' was muttered by the blond.

A sudden clanking sound caused all three Gods to turn towards the door as a giant pile of mud with arms and legs started to wobble its way through. The arms slowly opened and the pile fell to the floor with a resounding splat sound. Even with the mud heap now on the floor, there wasn't a whole lot of difference in the look of the creature before them. The only visible part of Goku that truly defined that it was the young itan was the large pair of gold eyes looking down at the mud as if appraising his work.

"Need more…" the boy said and turned to race outside.

A sudden choking pull on his shirt brought the boy to the floor and he found himself staring up into very angry violet eyes.

Goku smiled. "Hello Konzen!"

The blond attempted to control himself, but the vein on his head only continued to grow at the innocence before him. A second later his fist connected with the monkey's head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Idiot monkey! What the hell do you mean by covering my office with this filth?"

Goku sat up, looking a bit confused. "But I need mud to plant the flowers in!"

Kenren tried to contain his laughter. "F-flowers?"

Goku nodded and grinned. "The nice lady near the lily pads said I shouldn't just pick flowers for Konzen, I should plant them for him, that way they'd last a long time! She said I'd need lots of dirt and water for them."

Tenpou was now trying feverishly to contain himself despite his blond friend's death glare. "As good of an idea as that is, Goku, you would normally plant flowers outside so the sun can shine on them."

Goku looked confused again. "But why outside when Konzen would be right here to shine on them?"

The three Gods were at a loss for words and despite himself, Konzen could feel the anger slowly ebbing away.

"Idiot. You're absolutely filthy. Time for a bath."

"Bath? What's a bath?"

The blond God rolled his eyes and sighed. "Come on, monkey. You're about to find out."

As they started to leave the two remaining Gods, unable to control themselves any longer, burst into hysterical fits of laughter.

"And you!" Konzen pointed to Tenpou as he turned around. "Are going to help me while you," he pointed to Kenren. "Clean up this mess."

Both men stopped laughing and stared for a second. The redheaded general started to open his mouth to protest, but possibly the most deadly look he'd ever seen shut him up. Tenpou grinned and left to join Konzen in his task.

Goku stood staring down the blue pool of water in wonder; he could see his reflection in the mirror-like surface and he wondered if he always looked so brown.

"Get in."

"Don't you think it would be better to take his clothes off first Konzen?"

The blond deity turned to look at Tenpou. "Be my guest."

Tenpou looked the boy over; mud plastered over every square inch of the child's body and shook his head. "Like Konzen said, get in Goku."

Goku looked down at the still water again, not really wanting to get wet and not understanding that he, in a way, already was. A foot connected with his butt then and Goku toppled head first into the waiting water. He came up spitting.


"I told you to get in monkey." The blond threw a bar of soap at him. "Wash up."

Goku looked at the bar of soap curiously before sniffing it and, finding it smelled pretty good, promptly stuck the bar into his mouth.

"IDIOT!" Konzen roared, smacking the boy across the back of the head.

Goku managed to spit the soap onto the floor and Tenpou, who had been stepping forward to get the bar from Goku's mouth, now found himself launched into the air and directly into the bath with the young boy. When he poked his head out of the water it was to Goku's grinning face.

"Are you going to take a bath too Tenpii?"

The brunet God took of his glasses and attempted to shake some of the water off. "I guess I am Goku." He said with an amused chuckle.

With most of the water ejected, Tenpou could only imagine as to which direction it had all gone. He got his answer when he looked up to find a sopping wet and extremely pissed off Konzen clenching his fist at his side.

"Oh dear."

The next few moments have been censored in ordered to maintain a T rating.

After climbing out of the tub and filling the bath back up, Tenpou tried to explain to Goku the purpose of soap. Konzen, afraid the monkey would only try to eat it again, decided the best thing to do, would simply be for the two Gods to wash Goku themselves. After discarding the boy's now mostly mud free clothes, they immediately set about the task of scrubbing and rinsing away every last speck of mud. Goku, innocent thing that he is, was extremely embarrassed at his now naked form and was desperately trying to keep himself hidden.

"Damn it, I said stand up!"

"But Konzen…"

"No buts monkey, stand up so we can get this over with!"

"But Konzen I'm naked!"

Tenpou covered his mouth with his hand and Konzen tried to fight the blush rinsing to his face at this statement. The blond God handed Goku the bar of soap and a washcloth.

"Then finish up yourself. And don't eat it!"

Goku took the bar and cloth then sat staring at the two deities before him.

"What's the matter Goku?"

The boy stared at Tenpou as if the problem was obvious.

"You're still looking!"

Tenpou grinned. "My apologies." He turned his back and looked to Konzen.

The blond rolled his eyes and did likewise. After a few minutes of splashing and scrubbing they finally heard Goku's okay to turn around.

"Oh my…."

"Holy shit."

Having discovered the wonderful world of suds caused by the soap, Goku had taken the opportunity to decorate his body with the foamy suds. A large pile was currently threatening to slide down his head and some of it had already dripped onto the boy's face, creating a unique looking mustache under his nose. Most of the suds, however, were not on Goku, but rather, everywhere else in the room. There seemed to be a mass amount slowly sliding down the walls and hanging from the ceiling.

Tenpou looked over at his friend who was still staring at the mess created.

"How does he do that?" he asked, pointing to the carnage that was the bathhouse.

Konzen shook his head. "I have no idea."

After dousing the boy off with clean water, and despite his protest of a burning in his eyes, Konzen grabbed a towel and forced the child out of the tub. It was then he heard a snicker and turned to see Tenpou turning red from keeping his laughter at bay.

"What now?" he snarled out.

"Y-your back…." That was all the brunet managed to choke out before succumbing to his fits.

Konzen managed to turn his head around enough to see a large white pile of suds clinging to his shoulder blade. It didn't take much imagination to envision what the rest of his back looked like. He snorted though as Tenpou turned to reveal his own back, equally lathered down with suds.

"You're one to talk, Tenpii."

Realizing his own decoration only made the Field Marshal laugh harder, and it was all Konzen could do not to start laughing himself. A sudden sniffling caught his attention though and he turned to see a towel draped Goku rubbing his eyes furiously.

"Konzen…" the boy sniffled out. "My eyes still hurt…"

The blond sighed and, grabbing a handful of clean water, proceeded to wipe the liquid across Goku's red eyes. After a few moments he gently dabbed them with a dry cloth and watched the boy blink a few times.


Goku's face beamed with a large smile. "Much. Thank you Konzen!"

The child wrapped his arms affectionately around his keeper and gave him a large wet hug before happily skipping off back to their room. Konzen sat there for a second until Tenpou, having finally recovered, came up and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"As first baths go, it could have been worse."

Konzen glanced around at the bathhouse. Masses of suds still clung stubbornly to the wall and ceiling except for what hadn't already plopped down to the floor. Water was literally everywhere and the tub itself was now a large pool of liquid mud. Both men were exhausted, wet, covered in suds, and Konzen imagined Tenpou was hurting from his slip and fall into the tub.

He smirked. "I guess so. Besides, Kenren will have to clean this up, too, in order to take a bath of his own."

Meanwhile, a very tired Kenren, who had just finished removing the last trace of mud from Konzen's office, sneezed.

(-end First Bath-)

A/N: So there's Goku's First first. :D I use a very loose writing style, as I do for all my humor pieces. But I do hope I managed to get rid of all the annoying little grammar and spelling mistakes. I hope you enjoyed, but even if you didn't please review. I don't balk at constructive criticism so long as you are at least somewhat polite. Open flames - well I have fun with those. ;)

Please let me know what you think! Until next time, Ja!