A/N: this isn't at all my usual thing. Much too fluffy. But I thought I'd branch out a little. My first non L/J Harry Potter fanfic! Applaud me, guys. I've seen a lot of POV stories, but I've never seen one that seemed to me to capture what was said and done at the end of HBP. Here's my best go. Chapter 5 for "I'll Take it Shaken; Not Stirred" is on it's way!
HBP spoiler alert!
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking other to live as one wishes to live."
My cue to follow him, kiss him, and say "I'm brave enough to handle it."
I miss my cue.
Alright, I challenged him a little at first, but only once, to test his resolution, and because I'm so selfish that I had to try once. But not any more, because if I went over there and further tested him, I would be unworthy of him.. I would be unworthy to even hope or wait for him. I wont deny that I'm selfish enough to want to follow him and change his mind, but I know that my personality and conscience wouldn't let me. And anyway, I'm smarter than that.
He did it because he didn't want me to die or suffer or anything. Very heroic. Rather unselfish. Completely Harry Potter.
When he told me, he knew I wouldn't cry. I'm no Cho Chang. He knew I wouldn't plead or argue. He knew I would do exactly what I did, because he's smart, and he understands that I'm better than instant gratification and utter self-interest. Yet, as smart as he is, I wonder if he fully comprehends why he did the right thing.
He ended it for my safety; I let him end it for his.
I don't know everything and don't pretend to, because I'm smarter than that. But I know that- no matter how melodramatic it sounds, and no matter how stupid the Daily Prophet is for making such a random and bold statement- he really and honestly is the "Chosen One." That is to say, if anyone can get rid of Riddle, he can. He's the one who can do it in the end, though I don't know why or how. And I'm not going to stop him. I'm smarter than that.
I could stop him, I think. Oh, it may just be human egotism telling me that I've got that sort of power, but I don't think so somehow. Somehow I think I really could stop him, if I took that cue now and made sure he didn't leave me behind. I wont though, and he knows it and I know it. I'm smarter than that.
He sees the risk I would take, but I see the risk he would take. Riddle uses people. I've been used before, and if I spoke now, or shed tears, or stopped him and broke his resolution, I would be used again. I might even be Harry's downfall. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe even my self-image isn't so great as to believe that someone so insignificant as I could be the undoing of Harry Potter. Or maybe it is, and I'm smart enough to know that if I break his will to suit me, than I would be the most wretched and selfish girl on the Earth, unworthy of him in every way. Anything that would come to me after that would only be things that I deserve. But he wouldn't deserve them. So I wont say anything.
Funny, how a little thing like walking a few yards to where he wanders away, and shedding a few tears, and saying a few things to make him fall for me again, could completely destroy the Wizarding world's last hope. It's all about the chain reaction, you see. He takes me back, Riddle finds out, Riddle uses me to get to him, he falls for it, he dies, all is lost. I wont walk those few yards, shed any tears, say anything to make him fall for me again, because I'm smarter than that.
But what if he didn't fall for Riddle's trap? What if I warned him right away not to ever do anything to rescue me, not to let Riddle trap him, if he would only let me be "his girl" for a little while longer?
Ridiculous. I know it. I'm smarter than that.
Harry loves too much. Not me necessarily, just in general. Perhaps his sense would overcome his feelings if I were used as bate, but I doubt it. Harry loves too much. Wait... too much? Maybe not. I don't know. I can't make sense of anything.
He loved Dumbledore- that I know. Not in the same way he loves me, and not in the same way he loves Ron, or Hermione, or Remus, or the way he loved Sirius. But he loved him, because that sudden loss is what made him realize. That loss is why he's walking farther and farther away on the grassy bank, and the reason I wont say anything to stop him.
Dumbledore wouldn't want me to. Harry doesn't want me to. I don't want me to. I'd rather die right now- a long and painful death-, than follow Harry and make him suffer later. I wont be the reason the world ends tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that, or whenever it will. I refuse to be. If the world does end- that is, if Riddle has his way- than I want to be fighting it until the last moments, and after too.
Once upon a time, a silly eleven-year-old girl was used by Tom Riddle, but I'll make sure that that silly girl, who has grown so much since then, wont let that happen again. I wont follow Harry today. I'll let him go. He'll let me go. I'll wait. I won't argue, and I won't shed tears, and I wont be selfish. He would never have chosen me if I was the type of person who would be manipulative like that. When you really feel for someone, and you know they feel for you, you don't use that feeling between you for self-gain. It's not possible. It's a paradox, because love knows no selfishness. So I won't be selfish, and I won't cry.
He knew I wouldn't cry. I'm smarter than that. Selfishness urges me to cry, but of course I won't. I don't want to cry; I don't even want to persuade him. Fate rests in our words and actions now, so I'll speak none and do nothing. He knew I wouldn't go hard on him. He's smarter than that.
I hate myself for causing the struggle inside of him, and yet I love myself because he cared enough for me to break up with me. That took more courage than anything else really, because my hexes are infamous.
And now I'll let him go for a while. The Minister of Magic won't, but I will, because I'm smarter than that. The Minister may follow Harry, but I won't. I wont be selfish any longer. I'll help Harry in my own quiet way. I don't deserve him at the moment, but maybe someday I will.
Slowly I turn away from Harry, and begin to walk away from where my brother and Hermione sit crying. I walk towards the white tomb. Dumbledore would be proud of me. Not because I'm smart. In the end, I know that all this has nothing to do with whether I'm smart or not. It's really whether or not I'm good.
Glancing over my shoulder, and seeing the Minister rejected, and Ron and Hermione approaching Harry, I know that I'm good. Maybe not very good, but good. Good in my own way: void of manipulation, self-gratification, and hardness of heart. Full of unshed tears, unspoken words, and (hopefully) selflessness. I'll try to be good. I'll try to be smart. I'll miss my cue today, and tomorrow, and every day until this war is over. It's the good thing to do, and really, I think it's smart.OoOoOoOoO
Reviews are lovely.